Ways to tackle problems of a long-distance marriage/relationship

 

Life is still happening even though you are apart from the one you want to share life with. You can live your life normally and still enjoy your marriage. It’s a choice.

Though being in a long-distance relationship often means operating within a set of limitations. Like being married and living single without the freedom of singleness. 

But there are things you can do to counteract the downsides. And that is constantly working to improve your intimate relationship and leave no room for strife. 

There are many ways in which you can make your partner happy and strengthen the overall relationship. The ways in which individuals act and react to situations have a major effect on the satisfaction and the durability of the relationship. 

Conflict management

There is no hiding it, every relationship experiences conflicts once in a while. Whether you live on another side of the world or you live together. You will face challenges in your marriage/relationship, all it requires is for you to work together to overcome them. Couples in a long-distance relationship face almost the same challenges as couples who live near each other, 

We all go through tough times which are normal, couples who are together can resolve conflict quickly than long-distance couples because distance can mask the effects of some significant relational issues and as such prolong them.

If you’re in a long-distance relationship, it’s important you’re aware of the causes and solutions of these conflicting issues, so you can catch them earlier and deal with them.

Openness in sharing feelings & activities

When you are apart most of the time, you don’t get to have the advantage of non-verbal communication to gather information on how your partner is feeling without being told. This means that you and your spouse need to be more open about sharing your feelings and activities. You will also have to listen more carefully to each other and show empathy more overtly to build your intimacy. Romance is not only a physical thing. It incorporates the emotional side of a couple.

Try conveying your feelings openly and do not assume your partner will know, always be explicit to avoid miscommunication. When you learn to openly share your feelings and activities with your partner, then your long-distance relationship will be healthy and stronger.

 A woman told me her twenty-five years of marriage so far has been long distance, she and her husband are not good in sharing their feelings, I love you or I miss you is never in their communication repertoire. But they are transparent when they talk about their daily activities, the family and the children. Initially, her husband did the visiting, now her children are all grown and schooling in the East where her husband works and lives, they stay with him during the holidays and she visits.

When she moved to a new neighbourhood, she made sure all her new friends and neighbours knew she has a husband she loves and respects, who is constantly a part of her life. Though he rarely visits.  If you did give her something no matter how insignificant the gift was, her husband must hear of it and will call the person to express appreciation. Also, if she has issues or is in dispute with anybody, she will report to her husband and he will call the person involved to resolve it. In the event of anything before she takes action she must let her husband know.

Despite the distance, she said she felt closer to her husband more than most of her friends that are living together with their husbands. It wasn’t easy initially, especially when she was still giving birth to the children, staying awake most of the night to nurse a child. Waking up early to prepare the ones going to school, doing school runs and still running her business because the husband’s salary couldn’t carry the family responsibilities.

Regular visits are important.  

I wrote earlier that absence makes the heart grow fonder. But prolonged absence can make the heart grow sour and apart. To avoid this from happening, try to visit as often as possible. If you can’t physically visit, then try to communicate daily. But don’t assume daily communication will provide enough connect to hold the relationship together. Some will claim I used to call always. Bah! That’s not enough. Spending physical time with each other is still important, your relationship may thrive on communication, but it’s not the same as actually being with one another.

When you visit, try to share house tasks with your partner, let your presence be felt within and around the house. Some men when they visit their families, they don’t help with house chores and child care. They claim they’re home to rest and so should not be disturbed. As if the woman is a workhorse who doesn’t deserve rest too.

While growing up I have a friend who had a visiting dad, whenever the man was around they walk on eggshells around the house to avoid disturbing the man and getting punished, they only breathe with ease when he leaves. They dreaded their father’s visits.

Spend quality time together  

When you visit, make the moment count. Don’t use your precious moments to quarrel or engage in petite power tussles. Instead, focus on creating memorable moments with your partner and fun time with your children. Do activities together as a family that will strengthen the family connection and enable your children to get to know their parents better. It will also make them look forward and eagerly to your next visit.

You can raise a happy and healthy family even when geographically separated from your family. All it requires is commitment and a great deal of effort from both parties. 

Have positive interactions with each other 

Let your interactions with your better half be positive, supportive and appreciative. One emotional need of every individual is the need to be supported and appreciated for all their efforts whether small or big. Such actions will prompt them to do more.

In particular, couples living physically apart from each other need lots of appreciation, assurances to love and commitment either in words and gestures, from each other to live the life of singles happily

When you are away from your partner, struggling to meet life's demands, the least you can do for each other is to appreciate one another’s efforts towards keeping the relationship afloat..

Set A Timeline

There must be a timeline that points to the possibility of living together as a couple in the future. Hope is the lifeline of a long-distance relationship. Long-distance relationships are easier to endure if there is a plan to be together. If possible, have a plan on how long the separation will last, set goals and work towards an agenda that will make spending time apart as short as possible.

 But this hope and anticipation are for couples who have a healthy and happy relationship, not for those who see the separation as a blessing because of insurmountable relational issues that had made it impossible for them to co-exist peacefully under the same roof.

Trust Each Other  

A long-distance relationship cannot survive without trust.

The key to fostering and maintaining trust in a relationship is for both partners to be completely transparent and vulnerable: remember, both of you are miles away physically, it’s likely you will go through problems of trust when such happens, react in the right manner, resolve it with wisdom and understanding.

Pray for each other

It will take humility, self-discipline, love, and commitment to each other and prayer, to tackle long-distance issues. Having the fear of God and committing your relationship into His hand; praying for one another constantly is necessary. Often, it takes the grace of God for couples to survive the temptations inherent in living apart.

Use social communication methods 

Couples are taking advantage of technology to help them bridge the gap of separation. Writing letters is how couples exchange meaningful information long distances in the olden days. Today, communication is easier and faster with the popularity of the internet, cell phone and  social networks such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and the rest

Using mobile devices, and internet service, have altered long-distance relationships and make it less challenging to sustain.  Many long-distance couples today can stay in constant touch wherever they are, and the communication technologies available to them allow them to share even the most mundane details. This gives couples more opportunities to talk about things that can create closeness and make separation less stressful and more enduring.

Don’t give up hope 

Problems in a long-distance relationship can be manoeuvred with the right levels of maturity.

 Maturity is a key to maintaining a long-distance relationship 

If you are not mature enough to handle issues in a calm and collected manner, you will hurt each other adversely,

If you’re experiencing some long-distance relationship problems, don’t give up hope. While serious issues are unavoidable, know that every problem has a solution. Your relationship will survive if both of you really work hard to make it a success. Once you're married you share something precious, something eternal, don’t lose it or allow the distance to rob you of its joy. If you love each other genuinely, no distance can separate you.

It is all in your hands. Even if you are miles apart or close to each other, only YOU can make your marriage a happy and healthy one.

Challenges Of Long-Distance Marriage/Relationship

 

When you got married, you looked forward to building a home together with your spouse, taking care of your family and watching your children grow up together. But along the way life happened, and you got separated. It might happen if one spouse is posted to another city or country and the other chooses or is forced to remain behind due to financial constraints or for the sake of their children to continue schooling in a familiar environment.

Or one partner decides to move to another city or country in search of better opportunities, in this case, circumstances in life have forced the couple to make hard decisions which they never expected from the onset.

Probably, both of you are working in different cities and met, fall in love and braced the odds by getting married. After the wedding you remained apart until one was finally able to join the other, this may take months or years to achieve.

It may be that one partner is still in school in another city while the other is either working or doing business in a different city which made it impossible for them to live together as a couple for a duration of time. They are compelled to live apart for a purpose.

In some cases, you married an abroad husband or wife and it has not been easy to get a visa for your partner to join you and so you're forced to live in different countries.

All these different scenarios are what is referred to as long-distance marriages/relationships. A long-distance marriage/relationship is an intimate relationship between partners who are geographically separated from one another and so does not relate face-to-face  

It is also a situation whereby both partners in a marriage are living in different geographical locations and see little of each other. In some cases, the decision to live apart is by choice and in some cases, the couples are forced to make that choice by circumstances of life.. They may agree to make such a sacrifice as a family in order to meet the family’s needs adequately.

Education and the search for a better income are mostly the reason for couples to live apart. It is a known fact that many couples today experience marriages in which to keep their employment means they spend most of their time apart. Such couples have a hard time balancing their relationships and their work apart from each other. The pressure to cope with the emotional strain of separation can be hard especially on newly married/younger couples who are still establishing their family. 

However, whichever way the separation came about, it is not always an easy pill to swallow and it always leaves a bitter residue in the mouth. In addition to the normal difficulties of being in a relationship. Long-distance marriage takes an extra emotional and physical toll on couples, 

Some challenges of long-distance marriage/relationship

Lack of physical intimacy

It is the most common challenge couples in long-distance marriage endure. Aside from the loneliness, lack of physical intimacy includes No touching. No cuddling and, No sex. All the things that fan the flames of a romantic relationship are made impossible by the distance.

Also, when you are apart, you miss out on all the non-verbal communication that tells you the mood and feelings of your spouse with just a glance. 

When you’re together. You share tidbits of information about your day, about happenings in your workplace or business environment. This daily exchange gives you an inkling into how your spouse is feeling even when they don’t tell you all the details. Couples in long-distance marriages don’t enjoy such privilege in their relationships.

Lack of real-time intimacy

When you and your partner stay together and go through the daily routine and demands of sharing your personal space with each other, rifts between you both are invertible and there will be arguments and small fights now and then. Such daily interactions are sometimes obnoxious and sometimes unpleasant. But they create moments of bonding as the couple strive to learn and accommodate each other's differences. 

With time they will understand each other and develop a certain nonpassionate intimacy towards each other. This will lead to a situation where one partner will start a sentence and the other completes it, they think and speak like synchronised apps, this only happens when two people have spent too much quality time around each other to build real-time intimacy.

You don’t get a sense of this type of real-time intimacy in a relationship until you’re in it, in person and have a good number of years of togetherness. Couples in long-distance relationships never have this bonding or real-time intimacy with each other. Distance prevents this type of intimacy bonding from forming  between them

When two people are apart, it’s easy to idealize and overlook the mundane, and little gestures that build up their relationship. And when they eventually come together, staying together might require adjustment.

 The Effect On Family Dynamism

Long-distance marriage negates the meaning of coupling in a relationship, it creates an imbalance in the home. Instead of the couple to strive together side by side to build their family, they strive individually in separate locations. In some cases, the burden of responsibility tends to tilt more towards one partner which might cause discord over time.

Long-distance relationships affect the dynamics of the family setting. Having an absentee partner is difficult for the family especially when children are involved.  The left-at-home spouse takes responsibility for all the family’s needs. In some cases, the partner had to juggle family responsibilities and work/business.

In addition to being left behind with the children. The partner also has to play a double role to cushion the imbalance the absence of the other partner might cause in the family. The transition from having both parents together to now having one around can be traumatic. Children tend to experience emotional problems when such changes occur in the family.

In some instances, some women had to go through childbirth and rearing alone, having visiting husbands who contributed little or nothing in the practical upbringing of the children and so share no physical or emotional bonding with their children.

Growing apart

Couples in a long-distance marriage develop two separate lives. When they’re away from each other, they grow individually; instead of being part of a team, they’re each solo player. People change and grow and sometimes one partner may not be compatible with the others' change and growth. This is because they did not make the changes together like couples living together. Doing things alone all the time can start to feel normal and natural. 

When they eventually come to live together, ten or twenty years later they each discover they have to relearn what it’s like to live alongside each other. Absence, they say makes the heart grow fonder. Sure! But prolonged absence can make the heart grow sour and apart.  Out Of Sight Can Still Be Out Of Mind.

Trust 

Trust is another problem in a long-distance/ relationship that pulls couples mentally and emotionally apart causing rift more than the physical distance.

Long-distance relationships thrive upon trust. If you both live apart from each other, you must have a very clear understanding of where you stand in each other's life.

Insecurity 

Another downside of long-distance relationships is uncertainty, especially where trust is an issue. Most especially for those still in the courtship stage of their relationship.

Because you have not yet taken the vow, it’s likely that you will experience uncertainty towards each other, being far away. From time to time questions will arise in your heart, “Is this all worth it?” “Does she/he still feel the same way about me as she/he did before?” “Is he/she secretly meeting another woman/man without me knowing?” “Am I fooling myself waiting for the person?” “Will it really work out between us?.”

The longer you stay apart, the more these uncertainties grow and it can snowball into a crisis that can undermine your relationship, 

Married couples are not exempted from uncertainties. Infidelity is a big issue for couples living together, how much more when they live apart from each other. “Body no be firewood”, is a slogan used by people living apart to justify their act of infidelity.

Yes, we cannot deny the fact that long-distance relationships are hard. Some couples suffer problems those living together might not encounter... 

Every relationship requires hard work to survive though, but couples in a long-distance relationship have to work smarter to keep their marriage going. When you're with the right person and you truly love and care about each other, you will definitely find ways to make your relationship work and survive the distance. If your love is genuine, nothing, not even distance can separate you.

Salute! Mother Africa (Poetry)

 

 Africa, God’s Golden Fleece

A Continent carved out of Glory

Enriched with fertile soil on which the world grow

Decked with bronze, embedded with gold, crowned with ivory

The land with green pastures, flowing with milk and honey

 

Africa, old as the Dinosaurs

The land of lands, mother of the lands

Where culture, heritage , tradition are overflowing ripples

A relief of hospitality, sanctuary for harmony and peace

 

Africa, the cradle of civilization

A land of abundance, where the rain wet ,

And the sunshine nurtures what we sow

Africa, the jewel cherished by people of great favor and dreams

A land where great heroes were first raised

A land of hope, where smiles and opportunity reflects it’s dimple

 

I am an African

Not because I was born there ,

Nor my skin is black

Or I live in it’s soil

But because,

My heart beats with Africa

My mind is merged by Africa

And my soul at home in Africa

 

In her agony,

My cheeks are stained with tears

In her triumph,

My feet are alive with dancing

In her weariness,

My hands are joined in prayer

When she honors her elders

My heads are bowed in respect

 

I am an African

She is the cradle of my birth

Nurturer of ancient wisdom

Her blue skies take my breath away

And my hope for the future is bright

The land of my tomorrow

I recognize her gift as sacred

And I’m proud to be an African

This is  a poem written by  chinenye chukwujekwe, A guest writer

 

Is love enough to sustain a relationship?

Is love really enough in a relationship? This is the question I have asked couples and intending couples. The answer I always receive is NO and a resounding one. I will ask further. Why is love not enough in a relationship? And the answer is; other things like trust, respect, honesty, commitment and reliability, are also needed to hold a relationship together.

The next question is, what is love? 

I believe one’s concept of love imparts a greater understanding of what love is.

Love has been distorted and its genuinity replaced with an idealized concept that has lured people into harbouring a false perspective of what love is.

Back in the olden days, people didn’t marry because of their feelings for one another. Feelings didn’t count, love was not a prerequisite for marriage. Marriages were purely economic and political arrangements designed to promote the survival and prosperity of families or communities.

In those days, romantic love was not acceptable, it was seen as an inconvenience to society. They were afraid of its power for the abnormal behaviours it encouraged among people. and weary of its ability to make people do ridiculous things. Also, they were of the conviction that romantic love was for pleasure or emotional fulfilment and served no social purpose. 

 What we regard as love and the weight we place on romance is a modern invention, promoted for commercial purposes by some group of businessmen They tout out so many fallacies about love, people now have unreasonable expectations of love.

The new ideal is that if you marry for love you will live on in bliss for “happily ever after”. .

The portrayal of love in the modern culture only highlights the periphery, the icing and not the nuance and complexities of living with a person daily.

Be it romantic love or real love both are complicated and not as exquisitely exciting in the long run as all the ‘filmwood’ industries and romance writers portray it. 

The genuine test of a relationship begins after the romance ends and you come face to face with the boring, dreary, unromantic and unsavoury part of your partner. Probably, you cry foul and blamed love for your woes. In actual sense was love the bedrock of your relationship?

That every emotion is labelled love made it impossible to differentiate love from every other emotion.. Most relationships are based on passion, romance, sex, social fringes and benefits.  Often, we mistake the excitement and drama of romance and the gaudy high of passion for love. When we’re caught up in the throes of romantic love, we overlook faults and dysfunctional attitudes of our partner, all we see is “happily ever after” and we can’t imagine anything going wrong. This is not love. This is a delusion. And like most delusional things it rarely lasts or ends well.

Love is love,  but people think the love you display in your intimate relationship is a different kind of love. It is the same love. However, what tints love in a relationship is the romance, the passion and the sex. It makes it more deeply felt, so it should be more deeply appreciated and reciprocated.

Trust, respect, affection, commitment, patience, understanding, all are inseparable components of love but we tend to itemised them in relationships. Relationships ought not to be built on the warm fuzzies of romantic emotion but on a love that requires self-discipline and a certain amount of sustained effort over the course of time.

Romantic love has brought exciting life experiences into relationships but it should not be the foundation of your relationship but its fruit. It should not define your life but rather be a by-product of your relationship. 

It is necessary for us to have a realistic, honest approach to that kind of  love, the type that is enduring, sustainable and accommodates the realities of spending a life together with someone else

The best definition of love is the one i found in the Bible

According to St. Paul in 1corinthians 13:4-8 

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable. It does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

This is genuine love, and what love is all about. Now with this description and explanation, can you confidently say that love is not enough in a relationship?

If you think so, write to us and let us know your opinion.

Fool's Paradise

 Synopsis

Joy, desperately in search of a man meets David; single, rich and available and sees him as the fulfilment of a dream – and so falls in love.

A blissful “fall”, she assumes when she walks down the aisle with him. However, instead of a “happily ever after”, she realises to her chagrin that beneath David’s charming veneer lies a conscienceless pervert.

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Chapter 1

I watched as Latasha, looking chic and poised went round welcoming her guests and customers with hugs and handshakes. It was the opening day of her boutique Shanabella.

I came to assist her usher in customers, as well as take them round the different sections of the huge boutique, the least I could do in the spirit of friendship.

Nevertheless, in as much as I was happy for her success, envy tinted my happiness. I mean, I’m only human, it’s natural I would be envious of her million Naira state-of-the-art boutique.

I watched some group of women milling around inspecting and ogling at the collection of different designer’s clothes and jewelries on display at the racks and show glasses, while they tried to make up their minds on what to purchase.  By their elegant appearances, you would know these women were top notches in their various fields, the types that wear designers’ labels only.

Of course, a few among them came on the strength of the wallets of their rich male lovers or husbands. Like Stacy; a close friend of Latasha’s; she came with her lover, Boy George, who would most certainly pick up the bills for whatever purchases she made.

Another close friend of Latasha’s among the crowd was Annette Elle-Williams, who came with one important looking Alhaji, her man of the moment. She had them by the dozen, according to her; a woman ought to have several men in her life to fulfill her different desires and needs.

Then, there was Folashade Adekunle, another friend; she came with a man, but definitely not her husband; I reliably heard; her husband, who works with a multi-national company, was presently out of the country.

Then I looked at myself; who was I? An ordinary company accountant, I handled money; huge sums on daily basis, however, it only passed through my hands, never mine, my salary was just a paltry sum, barely enough to cover my basic needs, not to talk of buying the type of clothes on display here. The price tags on most of them made me shudder.

Amid all Latasha’s friends present, I considered myself an oddity because I did not measure up to their standards. They all had cars, jet in and out of the country as if it was just an ordinary trip from Abuja to the next State, when the farthest I ever ventured to was Lagos, for my brother’s wedding two years ago.

Yes, I envy them, especially Latasha – who we fondly call Sha-Sha. We were formerly neighbours and best friends struggling to survive in Abuja, until Annette introduced her to Senator Goke Garuba, who transformed her life overnight, and she metamorphosed, from the girl next door to a sophisticated and a successful businesswoman.

At the inception of that relationship, she received a brand new car and a Blackberry smart phone as birthday gifts from the Senator. Then within a space of four months, she moved out of our locality into a bigger and better apartment in another side of the neighbourhood. Today’s opening of her boutique was the icing on her fortune’s cake.

For me, life was still the same; dull and drab, nothing exciting, no landmark achievements, and no prince charming to sweep me off my feet, and take care of my emotional and financial well being. I still hop around in buses to work and back every day. I just managed to buy a Nokia torch phone in replacement of the one I lost two months ago.

But for Latasha, life was rosy; the shop for the boutique belongs to her; she bought it, with financial aid from the Senator. She had moved up the ladder of success, and with her clique of highly connected friends she had become a socialite and an influential woman within the Abuja business community.

Her exploits made me feel jealous and envious, not that she was more beautiful or more intelligent; though, there was no denying the fact she was smarter and more worldly-wise. Nevertheless, knowing these did not stop me from being envious, though a healthy one I tried to convince myself.

After the day’s event, Annette, Folashade, Stacy and her boyfriend Boy George, all drove to Latasha’s house for another round of celebratory drink.

Hmmm ... her house? Let’s not go there, because I was still trying so hard to slay that green-eyed monster called envy towards her acquisition of the property; a three-bedroom bungalow, fenced, with a spacious back yard she converted into a garden. A huge step-up from her former one room abode in my neighbourhood.

Since she moved into the house I have done nothing more than gawk at it with a tweak in my heart each time I visited her. She furnished it so exquisitely it spelt comfort and luxury with a capital letter. It wasn’t a day’s job though; there were signs and evidences of her numerous foreign trips, every time she traveled outside the country, she brought back beautiful tidbits, artifacts, ornaments and household items, which she had used to create enviable rooms in her house.

It was almost unbelievable she achieved all these within the space of four years; it felt like only yesterday that we slouched on a mattress in her small room to rub minds on how to get better jobs and improve our statuses in life. Today, she had certainly improved hers.

When all her other friends left two hours later, Latasha and I settled down to gist. It was a Saturday and most weekends I stay over in her house, though my house was not far from hers.

We were both resident in Lugbe area of Abuja, but she lives in Lugbe Housing Estate, a beautiful and well-planned suburb, with good road networks. While I live on the other side of it across the road, the side considered more or less a shantytown, where people build their houses haphazardly, without plan or approval, and where the roads are narrow and rough, and without even a splash of asphalt.

Moreover, for years now, we lived in constant fear of Government bulldozer, which the Federal Capital Territory Minister, has threatened to send to pull down every structure there. But, despite the threat, people buy land and build houses daily, while praying that dooms day would never come.

Since I would sleep over, when others left, I relaxed back with Sha-Sha; to share another bottle of wine and engaged in friendly gossip, I poured more wine into my glass, took a sip and exclaimed, “What a day!”

“Yes, what a good day,” Latasha concurred. “I thank God for the successful opening event. After months of planning, it’s over and now I can rest,” she lifted her wine glass, took a sip and sighed happily. “It wasn’t really easy.”

“I envy you oh,” I said, voicing out my feeling of the day. “You have finally arrived; you’re now one of Abuja big babes, with a classy boutique, a well-furnished house and a car to cruise around town. What else can a woman ask for?” I said with a smile that successfully edited out the envy from my voice. I did not want her to know how deeply envious I was.

Latasha laughed contentedly, “My dear this is just the beginning o, hmm; by the time my relationship with the Senator ends, I want to be a highly successful woman with a fat bank account and my own private property. In fact, buying a land in a choice location is my next target,” she finished in a conspiratorially low tone, as if suspecting somebody might be listening.

“Well, I wouldn’t say the Senator is not trying, when I look at what he has done for you over four years.”

“Yes he is; there is no contesting that. Within four years, my status has risen, even beyond my own imagination. However, that’s enough about me, how about you? If you’re ready to drop this ‘holier-than -thou’ attitude of yours, we can hook you up with one of those that matters in Abuja here.”

“No thanks.” I quickly answered.

“Come on Joy, get wise, with your Beyoncé figure and smashing looks, you can get any man you want; what you need is to move in the right circles, and with the right attitude. Be part of our clique and reap the benefits we’re all enjoying.”

“Thanks Sha-Sha, but let’s not argue over this again. I have told you severally, I don’t want to be the other woman in any man’s life.”

“Play Miss good manner and be frustrated in life. Look at you,” she paused, looked me up and down slowly. “For how long will you continue to struggle to live a decent life and buy yourself quality clothes?”

“Look, life isn’t all about wearing designer labels and moving in affluent circles,” I retorted.

“Oh, tell me what life is all about then?” She chuckled, fold her hands across her breast and looked at me expectantly.

I sighed and shook my head. When will she give up? I thought to myself.

It was an argument we always have each time we are together. But today, I was not in the mood to pursue it, so I simply told her, “If you really want to help me as a friend; tell the Senator to at least fix me up with a good paying Federal job, like in the DPR or NNPC. All it will cost him is a phone call. That’s how people get things done here in Abuja.”

“Hook a big fish and let him take care of your financial worries,” she told me instead.

I released a wearied sigh “Sha-Sha, we can’t all be as lucky as you; you’ve always had a way around men, which works for you.”

“Make an effort at least. You’re beautiful and intelligent, yet you choose to hide behind balance sheets and account reports. Life is not all about balancing accounts and writing financial statements.”

“O yah, life is about attending highbrow parties, wearing expensive clothes and jewelries.” I said with resignation.

“Yes baby, and about getting men, to grease the road, smooth the rough edges and then pamper you without the shackles of marriage.” She purred, looking at me with smiles.

“Good for you; for me, I want to fall in love and get married to a man of my dream and have a family of my own. I don’t want to share another woman’s husband,” I said firmly

“Love?” she laughed. “Okay, you can fall in love with an honourable or a D.G, or even a minister; governor, name it.”

“Yeah, I will just pluck them off the streets.”

“No, all you have to do is position yourself at the right places, move with the right people and it will happen.”

“That is another woman’s husband you’re talking about.” I pointed out.

“Your relationship with the man doesn’t affect the wife at home, so what’s your qualm?” She asked flippantly.

“I wish I could throw morals to the wind like that. I was brought up to eschew adultery.”

“Forget that moral bullshit and embrace real life. See, me, I can’t live in Abuja here; center of unity, and just be an onlooker; no way. I have to get my own share of the national or is it natural cake, whichever they choose to call it.”

“Which cake? Baked by whom?”

“Leave nomenclature and pun aside, let’s face facts; the fat salaries and humongous allowances our ‘honourables’ take home just for sitting down, making noise and fighting in the house, and then globetrotting, where does it come from?”

I looked blankly at her.

“From the nation’s purse of course, to which they made little or no contribution whatsoever. Then you and I, we work for 9 hours every day; multiply that by thirty days or one year; you’re the one with a head for figures; factor in the stress and the hard conditions. What do we get paid at the end? Peanuts!  No girl! I’m not taking it any more. I have had enough of white-collar slavery called work. Senator Goke Garuba is my ticket to economic emancipation, and I’m holding onto him with both hands tightly; no moralizing on that.” She said with steam.

Her outburst stunned me into silence for a moment. I didn’t blame her though; the manner in which our elite classes spent money was so offensive, they spend it as if it were being minted in their bedrooms.

I remembered being in a supermarket one evening after work, cracking my brain on how to stretch the two thousand naira I had on me to buy what would see me through the weekend, when this little girl of about twenty years got down from a chauffeur-driven car, entered the supermarket and splurged 20k over inconsequential things.

I looked at her and thought to myself, that’s somebody’s take home pay for a month she just spent without batting an eyelid.  She was a big man’s daughter; they said. That’s Naija for you; where monkey works and baboon rolls around in idle enjoyment.

Links

Amazon.com/author/ngozi

Okadabooks.com/user/Ladyzizi

 

 

How Will I Know the Right Mate.

 

We all have the freedom to choose our own friends, lovers, and spouses. Unfortunately, a lot of people misuse this freedom by pursuing relationships without figuring out who they are, what they want, or need in a mate.

They allow "impulsive connections" and "happenstances" to dictate their relationship choices. That's the equivalent of going shopping without a list! You're likely to throw anything into your shopping cart including a toxic partner.

In fact, in today’s society, we are groomed to believe love should be the result of a "chance meeting" or stroke of luck that somehow crossed our path. It is this kind of philosophy that often leads to people ignoring red flags and experiencing unnecessary heartaches from a toxic relationship. 

Some people even frown upon those who proactively seek out only those potential mates who possess the traits they desire. They see them as being selective. It is better to take your time to make the right choice than rush into a relationship and live unhappily ever after. 

NINE WAYS TO DETERMINE IF A PERSON IS RIGHT FOR YOU

1. TRUST YOUR FEELING.

Yes, that’s the first rule, trust your feelings, your intuition, your gut instinct, it is a place deep inside of you, where you have ‘a feeling or a knowing’, that something is right or not right. 

In the words of Eva Gizowska, "Trust your feelings when you meet someone new. They might seem perfectly charming and friendly, but if your sixth sense makes you feel uncomfortable – even if you can’t explain this logically, go with your intuition.”

Trusting your feelings might be the first step towards knowing if the person you’re in a relationship with now is actually the right mate for you. However, never separate your head from your heart when making relationship decisions. Intuition is a heartfelt sensation, so you still have to pay attention to your head. The purpose of the head is to protect the heart.

If there is no accord between your heart and your head, if the two are not mutually in agreement then there is a problem somewhere, you need to look closely into it.

2. IS THERE MUTUAL RESPECT.

Respect determines a lot in a relationship. Mutual respect in a relationship is important. Don’t sacrifice your self- respect in a relationship, if not you will lose your value and end up in a toxic relationship.

A mate who respects you will value your opinion and be willing to compromise on certain issues and not always act abusively. The person should be able to listen to your concerns and feelings non-judgmentally. The person should also appreciate you, share your successes and achievements sincerely with you. 

3. IS THERE SIMILARITIES OF VALUES?

Values are the core essence of your life, what you believe in, what shapes your perceptions about life, what makes up who you are. So does your potential partner share the same values with you? 

The person should be flexible enough to accommodate your values and respect them. A partner who wants you to compromise your values or change them, might not be the right person. Or if you try to change your values to please your partner to be in a relationship, it is a sign the person is not right for you. Don’t change your standard to fit into someone else’s life. Shared values are very important in a relationship.

4. DOES THE PERSON HAVE THE RIGHT QUALITIES

If you have an idea of what qualities you are looking for in a mate, it’s a big help. Qualities as in the right ones, there might be excellent qualities that may not be right for you; the qualities you desire should be intrinsic and realistic and not based on whimsical or peripheral ideas.

In as much you should look out for your desired qualities, don’t make an unrealistic shopping list of what you want and don’t go in search of perfectness or perfection, no one is perfect. But then you just don’t have to settle for anyone simply because he/she is available. Availability  is not compatibility, your choice has to conform to some basic inert qualities of who you want in your life

Don’t set high expectations and scrutinize your intended partners through it, I tell you, they will always fall short of your expectations, you cannot get all you desired in one person, choose one you can tolerate his/her flaws and one that shares the same core values with you.

5. ARE YOU YOURSELF IN THE RELATIONSHIP

Your partner should appreciate and value your personality intoto; should tolerate your flaws and all. You should be able to feel comfortable around your partner and not be in a continual struggle to hide some aspect of your character. You should feel at ease, relaxed and free to be yourself in the relationship.

That is, you should not be afraid to act, or speak. You should be free to air your opinion without the fear of ridicule or intimidation.

You should not live in pretence or in fear of exposing who or what you are. Your mate has to accept your good part, your weakness and your faults without trying to change you to his/her taste. 

6. EASY COMMUNICATION

Good and easy communication is the hallmark of any good relationship. Your partner should be someone you can really talk to and talk with, someone you can absolutely feel confident enough to open up to and tell everything about you, your hope, your fear and the intentions of your heart, I mean you can discuss everything under the sun with that person.

You should be able to argue or hold debt with your partner without fear of incurring the person’s ire. Your partner should be able to patiently correct you when you’re wrong and not insult your ignorance. And shouldn’t always want an argument to end in his/her favour.

7. DOES YOUR MATE STIMULATE YOUR MIND

Your mate should be able to stimulate your mind and have a positive influence on your life. The person should give you ample support to work on your dream in the relationship, you don’t have to postpone, forsake or restructure your dream because you are in a relationship. 

8. DOES YOUR MATE MAKES YOU HAPPY

Does your partner make you happy, make you smile, laugh and feel good generally? And, do you actually feel loved in the relationship. Are you glad and grateful that the person will be part of your life? In addition, has life and living becomes better and more meaningful because the person is there. 

9. IS YOUR MATE TRULY COMMITTED

Are you in the relationship alone? Are you planning and thinking about your future alone? Is your partner committed to everything about you, your life, your career, your aspirations, your hopes and your dreams? The person should be part of them for that will give you the confidence the person truly cares about you.

And so, to determine if someone is the right person for you takes time, and it goes beyond the initial attraction. It is very important that you give yourself time to study the person and situation before reaching that final decision. Never go into a relationship with anyone who treats you like you're ordinary or sees you as an option.

Toxic relationship

 

The lockdown because of COVID-19 pandemic also had a devastating effect on relationships. The sudden inactivities and depression brought out the beast in some people and many found themselves in a toxic relationship.

Probably, the union wasn't warm and cosy any more. There had been cracks and rumbles which the couple had tried to hide from family and friends' view.

Every relationship experiences difficulties, But when things start to fall apart when your partner stops giving you your due respect when trust is no longer there, or you feel entrapped or suffocated, then the relationship may have turned into a toxic one.

Toxic relationships, also called abusive relationships, is about an abuser and the one abused. Also, toxic relationships give rise to domestic violence which has led to the death of so many.

However, not all toxic relationships are physically violent, there is verbal and psychological abuse as well. No matter the form of the abuse, it erodes the victim’s self-esteem and makes the victim feel a sense of worthlessness in the relationship. While women are more commonly subjected to physical abuse, men suffer more of verbal and emotional abuse from their partners.

What is a toxic relationship?

 A toxic relationship is a relationship in which one partner exhibits dysfunctional or abusive behaviours that are emotionally, physically or mentally harmful to the other partner.

These abusive behaviours arise out of a feeling of insecurity or character traits such as self-centeredness, selfishness, irresponsibility, domineering attitudes. Being hot-tempered or ill-tempered and being excessively jealous and possessive.

A toxic person is capable of physical violence such as punching, yelling, slapping, beating, kicking, biting and even strangling when the person is out of control.

The person is equally prone to sexual violence where the partner is forced into a frequent sex act that is not pleasurable but a brutal claiming of marital rights. And in some cases, forced to perform degrading sexual acts.

The signs of a toxic relationship

• Your partner has an unpredictable temper, gets annoyed or angry easily. This makes you fearful and dreadful of your partner much of the time that you walk on eggshells around the person.
• Your partner humiliates, criticises, puts you down and embarrasses you before friends or family members.
• Your partner sees you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person of value and deserving of respect.
• Your partner is a complete control freak who wants to control where you go, what you do or who you talk to.
• Your partner nit-picks or finds fault in anything you do or say most of the time.
• Your partner turns every situation or mistake, no matter how trivial, into a fight.
• Your partner is always sarcastic and disrespectful towards you.

Toxic relationship often starts from threats and verbal abuses and escalates to physical violence and even murder sometimes. While physical injury may be the most obvious signs, the emotional and psychological consequences can lead to serious debilitating health issues. The uses of demeaning statements, innuendos, and sarcastic words are psychologically unhealthy,

A toxic partner will belittle you in public, in front of your friends or family. They use fear, control, manipulation and intimidation to wear you down to leave if they want you out of the relationship or they use it to keep you under their thumb.

People endure toxic relationships for many reasons— low self-esteem, for the sake of the children, or because of what people will say. The fear of starting afresh. Some tolerate it with the false hope that there will be a miraculous change in the partner’s behaviour. And so, they remain in a psychologically unhealthy and toxic relationship. 

A toxic relationship is not a safe and secure relationship. To say a toxic relationship is damaging is an understatement. Besides, no one deserves to be abused, humiliated or bullied by another human being.

Stop living in denial and see the relationship for what it really is. Decide to walk away from a partner’s relentless toxicity, bully and a vicious circle of suffering. It’s best to get out of a toxic relationship and give your life a fresh start.

It is better to walk out than be carried out of that relationship. You deserve better, a good life and the freedom to be you.

Strategies to Improve Self-Management skills

 

To improve your self-management skills, you have to actively focus on ways you can direct, test, and enhance your daily activities. How to work smarter and not harder.

 Here are a few ways you can improve your self-management skills:

Self-Evaluation/Self-reflection- 

Assess your strengths to determine what you’re best at, and focus on ways to use your abilities in these areas. Understanding your strengths helps you manage your career and steer your life path in a way that is most beneficial.

Evaluate the progress you’ve made toward your goals by tracking your accomplishments to see if you’ve met them. Don’t be too hard on yourself and always acknowledge your successes, reward and praise yourself for your efforts and achievements.

Ask someone closest to you for help to assess your behaviour, and to get a well-rounded appraisal. you may not like what you hear, the truth hurts. So when you seek others' opinions, try to be calm and neutral, don’t go all defensive about what they say of your character rather use the feedback to improve and build your self-awareness. 

While self-evaluation is about appraising yourself, your strength, your experience and your performance to better improve your life.  Self-reflection is used to gain insight into your action, behaviour and values.

Self-reflection is key to self-awareness. It enables you to be aware of yourself and to look objectively at your thoughts, emotions, actions, and feelings. It can be a time to reflect on your mistakes and areas of improvement. 

It can also be time to acknowledge personal accomplishments and celebrate progress. Remember, if you don’t reflect on your past, you will have a harder time understanding where you are going.

Self-reflection will give you the time to step back and try to view things with an impartial eye. Avoid bottling up or repressing your feelings, but look for healthy ways to deal with what you are feeling, it will help you respond more effectively to your emotions. Things don’t always work out as planned, but with self-reflection, we can seek feedback, ask for help and get things back on track.

Self-motivation/Initiative

Self-motivation is the ability to start and finish a task or activity without external inducement. When you’re self-motivated, you plan for potential tasks because you’re driven by a desire to succeed and not by outside factors. 

Self-motivation is the side of self-management that pushes you forward to take initiative and succeed with your projects and activities. Self-motivation is one of the most powerful forces that drive people to do things and to achieve success in business and personal life. 

Initiative is the ability to plan, take action and make decisions without being told what to do. You can show initiative by thinking for yourself, planning and taking action when needed. It means using your head and having the drive to achieve something. Initiative requires self-belief because you need resilience and motivation to solve problems or do things without being reminded or asked.

Self-confidence/Self-Control  

To be self-confident means to like and respect yourself and believe in your own abilities and strengths. People that are self-confident have a positive mindset and can face their fears head-on.

Self-confident people are some of the most successful people in life and business, they trust and believe in their skills and abilities and have a sense of control

Self-control is the ability to remain stable when in difficult situations. When you lose self-control, you delegate control of your emotions to others. Self-control allows you to take charge of your thoughts, behaviour and impulses. Your ability to manage and control your needs, desires, actions, and emotions is vital to achieving success in life and business. Self-control is also about discipline and restraint, if you are disciplined you will control the controllable's in life. Being disciplined goes a long way to enhancing every aspect of your life, including your health and wellness.

Take care of your health and wellness. 

When your health falls apart, every other aspect of your life follows suit. It’s important to keep both the mind and the body healthy. Engage in physical activity like exercise. Regular exercise keeps you physically fit and is also great for the mind. It relaxes the mind and helps your brain to recharge and improves your ability to focus. You also have to observe personal hygiene and eat nutritious meals that will nourish your body,   

You should have adequate sleep, at least seven to nine hours of sleep every night. Getting better sleep will help your mind become more alert, focused, and balanced.  

You should learn to relax and take your mind off your stress, Have fun, laugh as often as your can and rest as regularly as possible, Take holidays and go on vacations, engage in a hobby and take time to do things you love the most. All these will help to improve your physical and mental health.

Your physical health. The essence of good sleep and regular exercise is to bring stress under control. If you’re unable to manage your emotions, you are likely not in control of your stress level. Uncontrolled stress can lead to serious health problems like weight loss and high blood pressure, which can suppress the immune system and increase the risk of heart attacks and strokes. Uncontrolled stress can speed up the ageing process. 

When you exercise and do activities, your brain releases endorphins known as serotonin, which helps you feel good and fight negative emotions.

 Living a healthy lifestyle and eating a balanced diet is crucial to your overall health and will give you mental power and body energy 

Your mental health. Uncontrolled emotions and stress also affect your mental health and render you vulnerable to anxiety and depression. If you cannot understand, take control or manage your emotions, it will affect your self-confidence and your ability to form strong relationships. You become isolated and filled with negative thoughts that will eventually affect your mental health. Your emotional and social well-being also how you handle stress and relate to others, affect how you think, act and feel.

To stay mentally healthy, think positively, learn how to cope with stresses if life, connect with others, believe in yourself, be physically active, and get enough sleep. Above all, learn and put into practice all the self-management skills.

Learning it's a continuous process, it goes beyond formal education. If learning should end with the completion of a degree, you could not cope with today’s fast-changing and evolving world.

Keep learning to keep up with new ideas that will enable you to take proactive actions. Challenge yourself, move out of your comfort zones, and learn how to improve yourself to get the best out of life.

The importance of Self-Management

Logically self-awareness comes before self-management. When you are aware of your thoughts and emotions, you will probably act consciously and make informed decisions.
Self-management builds upon self-awareness, you can only act on your emotion if you are aware of its existence. Being aware and in charge of your emotions during difficult situations, it will help you be calm under pressure and act positively and proactively rather than buckle under challenges.
Self-awareness is important, but I choose to write more on the concept of self-management because it is what you do with your emotional awareness that makes the difference in life. The awareness of your emotions aids you to consciously choose what you will or will not do.

To achieve your goals, be responsible and successful in life, you need to cultivate the art of self-management skills.

Self-management skills will help you manage your activities, enables you to hold yourself accountable for your work and words. Without self-management, many of us may lose sight of our goals or cannot prioritize our activities. self-management skills are a crucial and necessary set of skills to build a productive and efficient lifestyle in professional and personal relationships.

 What Are Self-Management Skills?

Self-management skills are those abilities that help you to control your feelings, emotions, and actions. They play a major role in your personal and work life because those abilities aid you to become more productive and proactive in decision making. With Self-management skills, you can improve on how your communication with others, plan your time more effectively, handle responsibility efficiently and make better choices that will improve both your personal and professional life.

Self-management skills

Accountability/Responsibility skill

Accountability is the act of being responsible for your thoughts and actions. When you say yes, you should mean it and work in a committed way to deliver what you have accepted to do.

Accountability and responsibility are similar but they don’t mean the same thing. If you say to yourself that you are accountable, it means you’re answerable to your actions and decisions.
Being responsible means doing what is expected of you and accepting whatever mistakes that come from your action. There is nothing wrong with making a mistake, it is meant to teach you a valuable lesson, accept it, learn from it and moved forward. When you take responsibility for a task, it means you’re in charge and have to determine the best way to proceed.
Taking responsibility for your actions is a bold step towards true self-management.

Goal setting skill

Goal setting is the ability to determine what you want to achieve in a clear and well-defined manner. Goal setting helps you to decide on what’s important and how to create action plans that will align your goals with your values. This skill is necessary because it enables you to manage your time, actions. physical space, energy and mental capabilities towards achieving success in the future.

Self-management will only go as far as your personal goals allow it. Set long-term and short-term goals and plan your day-to-day to revolve around activities that can help you achieve these goals.

Time management skill

Time is a finite resource that can never be recovered once used. It’s important you learn how to use it wisely. Because time is valuable you have to learn how to distinguish between Urgent and Important things in your life..

Effective time management skills allow you to prioritize tasks, avoid distractions and maintain focus. Managing your time is an essential part of managing yourself. Find effective methods that help you manage your time, streamline your daily activities and effort efficiently. Learn to say no to unreasonable request or activities.

Focus your time, energy and abilities on a single activity. Don’t clutter your life with so many tasks at the same time. Complete each task fully before moving on to another.

Proper planning and time management are the keys to getting the most out of your day.

Good time management helps you to set and prioritize your goals, it also enables you to balance your work and leisure time.

Organizational Skill

Organisational skill means planning your time and the things you have to do. Creating a schedule of what is most important and what is not. It’s also about being prepared and having ready the things you need when you need them to implement a plan or complete a task.

To become an organized person, you have to pay attention to details, be an active listener, set a goal and work consistently towards the achievement of your goal.

Organizational skills are valuable and important for success, especially in the business world.

Stress management skill

At times stress can overwhelm you and override your best intentions, it is hard to think clearly or make a rational decision. When you are overstressed, your ability to think clearly and accurately becomes compromised.

With stress management skill you can stay emotionally calm, to control impulsive feelings and behaviours, manage your emotions in healthy ways, take initiative, follow through on commitments, and focus on your goals and make choices that allow you progress forward in the workplace and in your relationships. you need to learn how to overcome stress in order to remain emotionally balanced.

Managing stress helps you self-manage your emotions and maintain a healthy lifestyle. To relieve stress, use humour and laughter, they are natural antidotes to stress. They lessen your burdens and help you keep things in perspective. Laughter brings your nervous system into balance and calms you down. Stress can make you lose control of your emotions and rob you of the ability to act thoughtfully and reasonably.

Stress management skills are among the most important in self-management skills. It is impossible to find a completely stress-free work and life environment, stress situations are everywhere. Learn to manage pressures and to cope with problems when they pop up in life and not allow them to overwhelm you,

Unmanaged stress can increase your blood pressure and affect your health and wellness. To improve your emotional intelligence you must learn how to manage stress.

Communication skill and conflict management skill

No man is an island. Your ability to exist, to grow and to live harmoniously with others depends on your capability to communicate effectively with them. This means being able to articulate what you have in mind concisely. People are not mind readers, nor can they guess what’s in your mind based on your behaviour. Tell them exactly what you need or expected of them. Good communication foster a stronger relationship. Effective communication will save you a lot of misunderstanding that can lead to conflict.

Disagreements are certain to arise in every human relationship from time to time. People don’t have the same values, needs, opinions, and expectations at all times. Conflict management skill helps you resolve such disagreements in healthy and constructive ways that will build trust and strengthen your relationship. When conflict is resolved amicably, it creates stronger bonds in relationships. Learn to see conflict as an opportunity to get closer to others.

When conflicts arise try to maintain a sense of calm so you can think clearly and objectively. Do not give people, places or situations the power to knock you off your emotional footing.

 

Self-management skills will help set your heart, thought and action in the right direction and other things in your life will follow suit.