Why do people tolerate abuse in relationships?

I visited my sister in Lugbe, Abuja and met a crowd of women in front of her house shaking their heads and muttering. A man just beat his wife to death and ran away abandoning her corpse and four children in the house. I listened to her neighbours narrating a litany of abuses she suffered all through the ten years of the marriage.

And I asked, why did she remain in such an abusive marriage until it claimed her life?

One of the reasons they told me, was the children. Then another said it was an Abuja marriage, meaning the man didn’t pay her bride price, they met in Abuja, cohabited and had children. Another woman said the dead woman was ashamed of going back to her people with children born out of wedlock. 

There was this case of a very pretty young girl, age 22 whose marriage was just a year, with a five-month-old baby when she came to me. We talked, and she pulled off her cloth and showed me her body so that I will understand her story better. There were belt marks and teeth marks all over her back inflicted by her husband. It was a gore story of ill-treatment and abuse by a beast in a man’s clothing.

Why was she still in the marriage?

“Aunt, what will people say,” she asked me. According to her, she wants to give the marriage a chance to know if the man will change.

Was her family aware? Yes, they said it would be a disgrace to them if she leaves the marriage so soon. They advised her to endure and try to be good and avoid anything that would provoke the man to hit her. 

Did she report to her pastor? The pastor told her not to break her home, she should go on fasting and praying. 

She was physically, emotionally and sexually abused in the marriage. I told her to run for her life. She did but after another year of enduring physical and emotional trauma.

There are stories everywhere of women who remained in abusive marriages and relationships until they are either killed or maimed for life. I remembered the man who poured hot oil on his wife’s face. Today the woman looked like a scarecrow, her family refused her to come back home, and they insisted she would remain with the man as his wife.

Abuse is not gender-specific, some men are also victims of domestic abuse. There is the case of Police officer Dan Shishia whose wife poured concentrated sulphuric acid on his face during an argument. Not only was his face distorted, but he also lost his sight completely too.

Also, recently in Bayelsa state, a 40-year-old civil servant smashed and killed his wife with a hammer and thereafter committed suicide leaving behind six children.  Probably, after a prolonged marital crisis, he got fed up with managing, and enduring an unhappy marriage and decided to end it for both of them. If they had separated, it couldn’t have ended tragically.

I always ask why the victims endure or tolerate abuses from their abusive partners, and why they remain and do not run for their lives?  People tolerate abuses in relationships for many reasons— low self-esteem, for the sake of the children, or because of what people will say. The fear of starting afresh. Some tolerate it with the false hope there will be a miraculous change in the partner’s behaviour. And so, they remain in a psychologically and pathologically abusive relationship.

1. Erroneous Thoughts. 

Some victims erroneously believe they are responsible for making their marriage work or keeping the family together. So they stayed because they believe that is the proper thing to do. Some practising religious people, given their religious or cultural background, believe divorce is bad and avoid it to the detriment of their happiness and even health. They put up with a lot of spousal abuse because they don’t want to go against the teachings of their faith.

 2. Low Self-Esteem. 

Some victims stayed back due to low self-esteem. Most women don’t have the capacity to be on their own, they believe they will be alone forever if they leave so that keeps them grounded in toxic relationships. Some are damaged psychologically and believe most men are the same. To them the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know. They would rather manage the one they have for it’s better to stay with the person they are used to.

Some may believe they don't deserve any better than the beating they get on a semi-regular basis from their partner and accept the abuse as a normal way of life. This belief keeps them paralysed in the relationship.

3. Fear. 

The fear of starting over, the fear of being alone, and the fear of criticism from friends and family, combined make most women remain in abusive relationships. Also, the shame of what people will say keep them glued to the relationship. Most often people are quick to blame the woman and cast inauspicious remarks on her for leaving her matrimonial home.

4. Playing the martyr. 

At times people stayed in the hope of playing saviour to a dementia abusive partner. There is that belief that if they show their partner more love, and more understanding, they could change or fix them. Some tried to play the martyr by bringing up excuses to explain the abuse. They see themselves as being strong or on a God-sent mission to turn the abuser’s life for good.

Others use pity as an excuse to put their partner’s needs above their own and so hang onto the relationship. 

5. Children. 

Some women sacrifice their safety for the sake of their children.  Their concerns include: Who gains custody of the children? How will they support the children without their partner’s financial help? Some because they want their children to have two parents and not suffer the trauma of a broken home. They believe their children will be better off coming from an intact home than from a divorced one.

6. Family Expectations. 

There are family and religious pressures too. In some cultures, leaving your marriage is seen as a disgraceful and reprehensible action. Some parents will tell their daughters to endure that leaving will tarnish the family’s name and image.

7. Financial Constraints. 

Some abused people feel they cannot leave their relationships because they are economically dependent on their partners. For instance, an abused stay-at-home mother may feel she cannot leave her abusive relationship because she would have no way of providing for her children if she did. Also, the Lack of resources to start afresh on her own is another drawn back.

8. Hope for a Change: 

Many people stay in abusive relationships with the hope the abuser will change over time. This hope for change gives rise to a cycle of violence or a vicious cycle.  Many abusive partners become remorseful after inflicting violence, promise they will change and the abused accepted the apology and forgive the abuser. With time, it becomes a recurring act. This cycle makes breaking free from an abusive partner difficult. The abuse continues until the victim finds the courage to leave or is abused to death. 

9. Clergymen and pastors. 

This group of people usually focused on how to save the marriage at all costs, rather than on how to save the abused person in the relationship. They tell the person to pray more or fast more for the abuser for God to touch his/her heart and effect a change. They conclude it with a verse of scripture that says God hates divorce. Some organise counselling sessions for the abused but leaving the relationship is not always their first option.

People tolerate abuse in relationships due to illusions or hallucinations. An adult can only change if the person so desires, not necessarily because of prayers or the other partner’s tolerance level or love. It is better to leave than to stay for whatever stupid reasons you feed yourself. Your life matters.

How to Avoid Abusive Relationship

 

A reader inbox me and asked me to do a detailed article on how to avoid abusive relationships. Though single, she is getting scared of the rising tide of abuses in marriages. She didn’t want to be a victim and wanted to know how to avoid toxic people in her relationship.

I agree with her. To be forewarned is to be forearmed. Before getting into a relationship, it is wise to know how to tell if you are getting involved with someone who will abuse you.

Abuses in relationships come in many ways: physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, economic, and psychological. 

Why are some people abusive in their relationships? The answer is power, control, dominance, and submission.

One partner wants to influence or control the other partner and when they couldn't achieve that, they get resentful, and being abusive is the only way to unleash these emotions. They use coercion, manipulation, or force to get what they want. Though it is more common for women to be the victims of relationship abuse, men also experience abuse in relationships too.

Below are hints on how to dictate and avoid abusive people. 

Take your time: 

If you meet someone you are interested in, take your time. Allow yourself to get to know the person before you decide the direction of the relationship.

 

Before you jump in, figure out if this is what you want, and figure out if this is leading where you think it’s leading. If it is, then take time out to study and understand the person. Is he/she what you want in a partner?

Don’t allow yourself to be pushed too fast or coerced into a hasty decision. Take things slowly, take time to think and assess the person. 

You don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is going to be pushy, jealous, or possessive. You want someone who will respect your boundaries, value you the way you are and loves you for real.

Most women, when they fall in love, become blind and will put up with anything. Especially those that need to get married desperately for one reason or the other. They succumb to a whirlwind romance, become engaged, live together with the man and then end up in regret afterwards.

If you walk carefully and take your time to get to know the person and are honest with yourself, you will not fall into the hand of an abuser. 

Avoid quick physical involvement.

Don’t sleep together, don’t move in, and start being a couple. Don’t get emotionally attached before you have time to figure out the person. 

I ran into an old friend recently; we got talking, she just fled from her marriage due to domestic abuse from her husband. 

I asked if she didn’t see the red flag while courting the man? She did, but pregnancy happened and she married him hoping marriage would change him, but he got worse after they were married. After five years of insult, embarrassment, and brutality, she left with three kids. The trauma left her emotionally and mentally damaged. She is in therapy now.

That is the danger of getting physical so early in a relationship. Only get physical when you’re sure the man is the real deal. Getting physical at the beginning of a relationship muddles a woman’s thinking. When you fall in love, make sure you land into the relationship with both feet. Don’t tumble into it, heart first.

Listen to Your Intuition

Listen to your intuition, not to your friends or relations, but to the message that comes from within you. Neither your parents nor your friends or relatives know the person better than you do.  You are in a better position to decide what's best for you than those around you. 

What does your intuition tell you about the person you are dating or living with? If your gut feeling is telling you, something is not right about the man or the relationship. Have a rethink.

 

Let your intuition be your guide. If you have nagging feelings about any aspects of the person or the relationship, understand your hunches or get out. Listen to that still, small voice inside you. When you put that voice first, above any voice in your head, you can’t go wrong.

If you have doubts, anxiety, persistent nagging thoughts, suspicion, apprehension or hesitation about going into the relationship or continuing with the person, listen to your intuition and act on it. 

Pay attention to his/her words or remarks

Don’t play blind and deaf. Observe the person’s actions and words. Pay attention to remarks and comments and how the person speaks to you. If their words are subtly insulting, belittling, humiliating, disrespectful, or intimidating, then beware, that’s verbal abuse. When your partner makes insulting remarks about you in public and embarrasses you in front of your family or friends, that is verbal abuse.

Verbal abuse is any kind of demeaning, degrading, insulting comments or remarks from your partner that hurts you. If your partner calls you lazy, stupid or senseless, probably under the guise of a joke and laughs it off and you feel hurt about it, that is abuse.

If the person can accept the same comments from you without getting offended, then fine. But if the person cannot take the same joke from you, then it’s a red flag. Beware.

Mr Nice and Charming is not always Mr Good

Meeting a charming and handsome man doesn’t mean you have met a good man. The man may be gentle, kind, and probably attentive, but behind all these good attributes, may lie a baser side hard to detect in the beginning. Be cautious and observant. Do not allow his gentle attitude to disarm you. 

Often we meet a guy or a gal and get carried away with their external fineness, and surface appeal and forget to take cognizant notice of other aspects of them. This mentality makes us ignore all the warnings and glaring signs that will help us avoid a toxic relationship. 

Do not jump to conclusions about if he is the one. But take one step at a time. This way, you will be far less likely to get into an abusive relationship.

Though the man is kind towards you in the beginning, don’t let down your guard. Watch how he interacts with those around him. That will give you an inkling of the person he is.

Watch how the person treats others. Abusive people are often very self-absorbed, unkind, or disrespectful to others, especially those they consider to be beneath them. How they treat others is a warning sign that they will eventually treat you the same.

Jealousy 

Jealousy can be flattering at the beginning of a relationship because it will appear like the other person cares so much about you and can’t bear to let anyone else be interested in you. However, jealousy, when in excess, differs from caring and has nothing to do with love. It is a sign of insecurity, possessiveness, and a lack of trust.

Excessive jealousy is a common character trait of an abusive person. If you’re in a relationship and your partner is jealous, it is a warning sign he/she is possessive, which is not healthy in the long run. If you are serious about a person who is excessively jealous, you better set boundaries from the beginning of the relationship.

If your partner resents the time you spend with your family or friends or questions you about the people you talk with or accuses you of flirting when he sees you with other men, watch out because that is a sign of possessiveness.

If your partner frequently calls to check on you, to find out where you are, who is with you and what you are doing? Don’t see this as a sign of love or care, but as a sign of jealousy.

Low self-esteem 

People with low self-esteem are always hypersensitive. They are quick to lose their tempers and react aggressively to normal criticism or commentary. A lot of abusers have low self-esteem and see any kind of critique as a threat. But they are quick to criticise and insult others.

If you feel sad, hurt, humiliated, or frustrated with your partner’s words or actions, this is a sign you are not in a healthy relationship. 

Also, if your partner uses outdated gender roles to keep you subservient, he or she may be an abusive person.

When a man uses an implied gender role to make you obey his orders, or subjugate you to a certain treatment, he is an abuser. Many male abusers see women as being inferior to men and use this philosophy as an excuse to batter or abuse them.

Some, because of their low self-esteem, try to keep their partners under them because they feel threatened by the lifestyles of their partners. A person with low self-esteem has feelings of inadequacy about him/herself and feelings of insecurity about their partners. 

 

Authoritative Behaviour

Authoritativeness and controlling character traits are other signs of an abusive person. 

If your partner becomes angry when you do not take his or her advice. If he attempts to control your movement, your life or your finances, or make personal decisions for you. You may be in an abusive relationship. 

A partner who is controlling undermines your integrity and shows a lack of respect for you. Men who are controlling are more likely to become physically abusive.

In one group I belonged to on Facebook, a lady wrote her sister died giving birth without revealing the father of the child. The responsibility of taking care of the child, a baby girl, fell on her. For eight years she took care of the girl as a daughter, sent her to the best private school in her area and made sure she dresses well and nicely. Then a man came into her life and proposed to marry her, but with conditions. He complained she buys expensive clothes for the girl. To please him, she went for cheaper clothes for the girl. Next, he asked her to withdraw the girl from the private school she attends and put her in a public school. She did. Last, the guy said he would not allow the girl into his home when he marries her. He told the lady to give up the girl for adoption or send her to someone who would take her in as a housemaid. She is frantically looking for who will take the girl off her hand. 

At the end of her post, she said no one should blame her or advise her otherwise. She is 37 years old and desperately needs to get married and the guy is the only one who is serious about marrying her.

This has the stamp of a toxic relationship, but she is too blind to see it. Probably, she is seeing the man’s behaviour as an act of concern for her. He has not yet married her but is controlling her life and she is allowing it. It will get to a point where the man controls what she wears, where she goes, and who she spends time with.

Isolating Behaviour

If your partner isolates you from your friends and family, forbids you to see other people or expresses anger when you spend time with friends on your own. It’s a sure sign of an abusive partner. Isolation is often the first step an abusive person uses to segregate their partners from social interaction with others.

A jealous and controlling person may often try to undermine family or friends with veiled concern for you. An abuser sees a close-knit family or friends as potential enemies and threats to his or her way of life. 

Some abusers even stop their partners from attending school or work, isolating them further from others and increasing their dependence on them for companionship and social acceptance.

Mood swing

Explosive anger and constant irritability are both warning signs of an emotionally unhealthy person. Mood swing is a form of emotional instability often caused by mental or behavioural disorders that trigger abusive tendencies in a person. Most abusers experience frequent mood changes, that’s why they have multiple personalities. Abusers are prone to explosions of rage when least expected, some days they will react differently to the same situation, it all depends on their mood at the time. Someone with such frequent mood changes and explosive character traits is unpredictable and so very hard to trust.

If you walk on eggshells around your partner, or constantly watch your words or actions around the person to avoid mood triggers, then you are in an unhealthy relationship.

Shifting blame.

Abusive people don’t accept responsibility for their actions. They rather blame others for their feelings and actions they commit. They shift the blame for the consequences of their action to others. “You made me angry. That's why I beat you.” Some will say, “You refuse to take my instruction, that’s why I’m mad at you.” It becomes the fault of the person they have abused. They make the person feel guilty and responsible for their words or actions.

If your partner refuses to accept responsibility for the mistakes they make in their lives and constantly blames others for his or her problems, the person has an abusive trait.

Abusers typically blame others, especially their partners, for almost anything that goes wrong in their lives.

Someone is always doing them wrong or out to get them, his/her wicked uncle, his/her village people, not the bad choices or mistakes they made. They will never accept it was their fault and will always insist they were right.

Unhealthy perfectionism. 

People with unrealistic expectations from others. People who want things to be done in a certain way or who want their partners to conform to their particular standards. Such people are toxic, you will never please them. They are always unreasonably angry over minor difficulties or challenges in their life and are not open to changes.

They are not flexible and when their partners do not meet their unrealistic expectations, they may become explosive, resentful, angry, and abusive. Though not everyone with perfectionist tendencies is an abuser, however, when it becomes extreme, it becomes toxic.  

A friend of mine on his Facebook wall posted this advice for ladies. I find it succinctly.

"Single girls, read these statements carefully and very well." 

1. Change your number after marriage.

2. Quit your job after marriage to take care of the kids.

3.  Stop keeping friends, no visitors, including family members after marriage.

You see these three statements, once you hear any of them or what loosely sounds like any of them from a man you are dating, no matter what stage the relationship is, even if you are getting married tomorrow, END IT!!!

These are the biggest red flags you can ever get in a relationship in Nigeria today. And it will not end well. They are a typical example of what you expect from a textbook narcissist. Like I said before, it will definitely end in tears. 

I’m just revealing this secret to you. 80% of single ladies that will read this will still go ahead to make the same mistake thinking, “he loves me,” while forgetting that me that is telling you this is also a man that knows how men reason more than you know.” 

Toxic relationship

 

The lockdown because of COVID-19 pandemic also had a devastating effect on relationships. The sudden inactivities and depression brought out the beast in some people and many found themselves in a toxic relationship.

Probably, the union wasn't warm and cosy any more. There had been cracks and rumbles which the couple had tried to hide from family and friends' view.

Every relationship experiences difficulties, But when things start to fall apart when your partner stops giving you your due respect when trust is no longer there, or you feel entrapped or suffocated, then the relationship may have turned into a toxic one.

Toxic relationships, also called abusive relationships, is about an abuser and the one abused. Also, toxic relationships give rise to domestic violence which has led to the death of so many.

However, not all toxic relationships are physically violent, there is verbal and psychological abuse as well. No matter the form of the abuse, it erodes the victim’s self-esteem and makes the victim feel a sense of worthlessness in the relationship. While women are more commonly subjected to physical abuse, men suffer more of verbal and emotional abuse from their partners.

What is a toxic relationship?

 A toxic relationship is a relationship in which one partner exhibits dysfunctional or abusive behaviours that are emotionally, physically or mentally harmful to the other partner.

These abusive behaviours arise out of a feeling of insecurity or character traits such as self-centeredness, selfishness, irresponsibility, domineering attitudes. Being hot-tempered or ill-tempered and being excessively jealous and possessive.

A toxic person is capable of physical violence such as punching, yelling, slapping, beating, kicking, biting and even strangling when the person is out of control.

The person is equally prone to sexual violence where the partner is forced into a frequent sex act that is not pleasurable but a brutal claiming of marital rights. And in some cases, forced to perform degrading sexual acts.

The signs of a toxic relationship

• Your partner has an unpredictable temper, gets annoyed or angry easily. This makes you fearful and dreadful of your partner much of the time that you walk on eggshells around the person.
• Your partner humiliates, criticises, puts you down and embarrasses you before friends or family members.
• Your partner sees you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person of value and deserving of respect.
• Your partner is a complete control freak who wants to control where you go, what you do or who you talk to.
• Your partner nit-picks or finds fault in anything you do or say most of the time.
• Your partner turns every situation or mistake, no matter how trivial, into a fight.
• Your partner is always sarcastic and disrespectful towards you.

Toxic relationship often starts from threats and verbal abuses and escalates to physical violence and even murder sometimes. While physical injury may be the most obvious signs, the emotional and psychological consequences can lead to serious debilitating health issues. The uses of demeaning statements, innuendos, and sarcastic words are psychologically unhealthy,

A toxic partner will belittle you in public, in front of your friends or family. They use fear, control, manipulation and intimidation to wear you down to leave if they want you out of the relationship or they use it to keep you under their thumb.

People endure toxic relationships for many reasons— low self-esteem, for the sake of the children, or because of what people will say. The fear of starting afresh. Some tolerate it with the false hope that there will be a miraculous change in the partner’s behaviour. And so, they remain in a psychologically unhealthy and toxic relationship. 

A toxic relationship is not a safe and secure relationship. To say a toxic relationship is damaging is an understatement. Besides, no one deserves to be abused, humiliated or bullied by another human being.

Stop living in denial and see the relationship for what it really is. Decide to walk away from a partner’s relentless toxicity, bully and a vicious circle of suffering. It’s best to get out of a toxic relationship and give your life a fresh start.

It is better to walk out than be carried out of that relationship. You deserve better, a good life and the freedom to be you.