Resentment in Relationship

 

Prolonged victimisation of a person and their inability to express their feelings lead to suppressed emotions that fester grudge, frustration, and disappointment. These harboured negative emotions lead to anger against the person who wronged or hurt them. Resentment is an emotional reaction to accumulated negative feelings, mistreatment, or maltreatment by another person.

We can also define it as the eruption of bottled up emotions, like fear, anger and disappointment, for your partner. When such underlying feelings become overwhelming, they spilt into bitterness, hatred and disgust.

Because we harbour these feelings, they would build and are likely to explode with a trigger, probably an argument over something insignificant or a careless utterance. As it is said when you push a person to the wall, the only option is to fight back. So, resentment is a “fight-back” action, a defence against negative treatment.

 

According to Wikipedia, resentment is a complex, multilayered emotion that has been described as a mixture of disappointment, disgust, anger, and fear. Inherent in resentment is a perception of unfairness (i.e. from trivial to very serious) and is a generalized defence against unfair situations (e.g. relationships or unfavourable circumstances).

Effects of resentment on your relationship

Resentment is cancerous. It eats away the core of a relationship. It is also corrosive; over time, resentment erodes trust, reliability, affection, commitment and replaces them with negative emotions like disappointment, bitterness, and hard feelings.

Resentment is poisonous and toxic. It affects how you think about your partner and even how you interact with them.

Resentment eats through all the good parts of your relationship. When this happens, trust and love in a relationship are broken and can be irreparable or irreversible over time.

Resentment breaks the emotional connection between partners and increases misunderstanding and dissatisfaction. Instead of a mutual compromise, the couple flings insults and accusations at each other. Emotional pain, mental trauma, discontentment, and deeper resentment will follow. 

Resentment kills trust and commitment. With resentment, the level of trust between you and your partner is affected drastically. You don’t believe in your partner or rely on them. When you lack trust, your commitment to your relationship slacks. When you are getting less from your partner, you start giving less and less to the relationship.

Resentment is like a two-edged sword. It cuts both ways. It does not hurt just your partner, it also hurts you. Resentment makes you grumpy and so creates a distance between you and your spouse. Nobody enjoys being around an angry person. The anger that comes with resentment makes you lash out at people around you. When you feel resentful towards your partner, you often bark at them or make sarcastic remarks to display your anger.

Resentment can grow to be retaliatory. It could possibly lead to violence or a strong desire for revenge when it becomes hard to let go of your anger. Holding on to such negativity inflicts pain on you. Over time, it takes a toll on your mental health.

Unresolved resentment leads to higher levels of discontentment that can lead to a loss of physical intimacy between couples. You don’t feel attracted to each other anymore. If there is no more intimacy left in a marriage, the relationship is as good as dead.

The first step towards solving any problem is to accept there is a problem. Resentment in a relationship has several red flags, which you can identify if you are observant.

Here are some of the signs and symptoms to watch out for:

Anger

Frustration

Hostility 

Bitterness

Hard feelings

Uneasiness 

When these feelings become unbearable, they give rise  to some negative emotions actions such as

Constant quarrelling over issues

Feeling of neglect 

Withholding intimacy or affection.

Finding faults with each other.

Feeling of detachment from the relationship.

Withholding of sex.

What causes resentment in a relationship? 

Bitterness, indignation, irritation, pique, dissatisfaction, disgruntlement, discontentment, bad feelings, hard feelings, ill will, acrimony, rancour, animosity towards your partner for having been treating you unfairly. 

These are the things that bring about these feelings.

1. Adjustment problem

A relationship is the coming together of two individuals with different ideologies and perspectives. For them to coexist, they will need adjustments and an understanding of each other’s requirements and needs.  However, with a lack of adjustment, the tendency to hurt each other’s feelings is high. Then, there will be complaints and, over time, resentment will probably creep into the relationship.

Make sure your values, goals, and view are aligned as a couple. Make mutual compromises when necessary. Differences in core values should be addressed and discussed honestly. When you cannot do that, they become hidden sources of resentment later.

2. One-Sided Feelings

Partners are supposed to pool their efforts together to make their relationship work. In cases where one person makes all the effort, makes all the sacrifices and the other partner is lackadaisical, it can frustrate and, with time, your partner will become resentful. If you take care of your partner’s needs, and they don’t express gratitude or return the favour, you may feel you’re in a one-sided relationship, and it may cause the person to harbour resentment over time. 

Relationships can get sour when duties, responsibilities and chores are not equally shared. And if one partner is keeping a mental list of contributions, it builds resentment over time. The person will feel disappointed, frustrated or hurt at their partner’s lack of care or thoughtfulness, and over time, this can turn into anger and resentment.

3. Bearing Grudges

Nothing breeds resentment in a relationship like grudges. When a partner keeps records of ill-treatment, abusive words, or recurring mistakes. These will fester the feelings of grudges towards the other.

Thoughtless remarks and taunts hurt. Embarrassment, rudeness, and unfair treatment leave marks on the heart. No one likes to be taken for granted, unappreciated, or devalued. If your partner causes you to feel that way,  you may harbour resentment towards them. 

When your partner steps on your boundaries without apology. When your partner manipulates or forces you into doing things that go against your will. You’re likely to hold grudges against the person. 

4. Lack of appreciation.

Partners taking each other for granted in a relationship brings ill-feeling. As humans, we want to be noticed and appreciated by our partners for our efforts and kind gestures. But some do not notice the efforts their partner puts in every day to make the relationship work.

Some men don’t appreciate their wives for taking care of the children, the home and putting meals on the table for them. They felt it was the woman’s responsibility and as such sees no reason to appreciate her. This makes the woman feel disappointed and gives room for negative emotions to take up space in her heart.

Also, some women fail to appreciate their husbands for the family upkeep and instead complain about what the man had not done or try to compare their husband to their friend's husband. It makes a man feel bad and unappreciated and, over time, the accumulation of all these emotions and feelings leads to resentment. 

5. Unfulfilled Expectations and Desires

People enter a relationship with reasonable or unreasonable expectations from each other. Sometimes, these expectations and desires were never fulfilled. Promises made at the beginning of the relationship are not kept. 

Unfulfilled desires, expectations, and unkept promises cause disgruntled feelings. You may feel your partner has failed in fulfilling your desires and resent them for that.

A relationship based on lies breeds resentment with time. Disappointment over little things can add up to resentment over time. Honour your commitments: Keep the promises you made to your partner and be truthful. 

6. An uncompromising partner

If you are in a relationship with someone who seldom listens or agrees with your perspective or opinion and feels whatever he or she does or says is always correct. It can end up making the other person feel bitter or disappointed. It can eventually turn you into a resentful spouse. When someone insists that they’re right all the time, it comes across as arrogant. 

 

And when a partner tries to impose his/her views of the world onto another and excepted them to accept it without complaint, it’s a sure way to build resentment in the relationship.

How To Deal With Resentment

1. Forgive: Forgiving someone for their mistakes and letting go of the past is easier said than done. Right? But it’s natural for humans to make mistakes, so we should learn to forgive. Forgiveness is a good cure for resentment. Instead of poisoning your relationship by holding grudges, a healthy dose of forgiveness can stop the poison from spreading and can even mend some damages.

2. Apologise when necessary: when you’re in the wrong, learn to apologise. Resentment builds up because most people rarely admit their mistakes and so fail to tender apologies.

3. Articulate your feelings:

Instead of letting your problem fester in your heart, say it out, be expressive, and let your partner know where he/she has gone wrong. Communication is important in solving resentment issues.  

Resentment builds up because of misunderstandings rather than actual mistakes. It is critical to discuss your grievances with your partner before they create a major issue between the two of you. The most effective method to stop resentment is to be aware of what causes it, discuss the issue with your partner, and work to resolve it.

4. Be honest: In expressing your feelings, be honest and tell your partner how you feel. Maybe the person might feel hurt initially, but it’s better to air it out than to bottle it up. In doing that, don’t be rude or condescending. Be polite but frank. 

5. Empathise with your partner: Considering your partner’s nature and habits with understanding can spare you emotional stress. Trying to understand the person’s intent can head off resentment before it takes root.

6. Set realistic expectations and boundaries: Resentment often crops up when you put unnecessary expectations on your partners. Discuss your expectations with each other and arrive at sensible compromises. Also, setting strong health boundaries helps to stop abuses and maltreatments.

7. Keep the physical intimacy intact: physical intimacy can dissolve resentment. Sex, physical touches and affection can act as a balm to your relationship and bring you closer. The period after sexual activity when you’re both mellow can be the right moment to discuss your problems and get things resolved. 

Resentment can creep into the best of relationships. It is better nipped in the bud before it twists and kills your love. When couples learn to speak out and address issues, it will not give room for resentment to build to a devastating level of hurt, pain, and anger. Your relationship can survive when you recognize what causes resentment and work on them.  

Resolving resentment in relationships takes a lot of time, effort, and patience on the path of both partners. Remember, forgiveness, empathy, effective communication and understanding help keep resentment out of your relationship.

A SONG FOR WOMANHOOD

I stand on the stage of life, poised to sing a song for womanhood, the crest of creation, for God created her last, not as an afterthought, but as one to be cherished, like the last born of a family.

Like a painter, I see a blank canvas and the portrait yearning to burst into existence, as I sing this melody, a fitting tribute to the female gender. And I dare to ask, ‘From which angle shall the song begin?’

Shall I serenade the one who learns at the start of her life to crawl on the sandy soils of the land where she dwells, decked in her baby attires, while she gazes at maturity and learns the recipes of her local dishes, which she puts to good use?

I see her, this woman of worth, through the eyes of my creative mind. She cultivates at her grandfather’s feet, the customs of the land, on her mother’s knee the secret of winning her husband’s love and from Dad’s wisdom bank comes the courage to rule her world. She shuns illiteracy, discovering and basking in the highest form of knowledge.

She is the godly woman, fitted with a life of purpose, power and purity, armed with a reluctance to hide under the benevolence of others. This woman is not fit for use as an artifact to beautify the walls of a home, with no visible impact; not just a baby machine, programmed to procreate till her glands yell in dissatisfaction. Oh yes, she awaits the arrival of the valiant knight on a white horse, yet she does not sit still in his palace of plenty surrounded by luxury, awaiting the grey hairs and bowing meekly, waiting for death. No! She shuns such a dreary existence. Womanhood is celebrated in places where the godly woman resides. One who is a symbol of virtue; a woman active in mind, alert in comprehension and resourceful in homely duties. This woman is a fountain of intelligence, reflecting good judgment and sound thought, energetic and full of fruitful activity.

Through the artist’s canvas, I see a regal woman with the gait of a queen, perfect of stature, for divinity gave her exquisite finish. An innovative woman, filled with ideas of intellectual strength and a knack for turning old to new. Articulate of speech is this woman, communicating with boldness, releasing the products of a sound mind, drenched in wisdom and exulting in the law of kindness, original and natural.

I think of motherhood as synonymous with this woman of grace and beauty. Like a fruitful vine by the sides of her marital home, she brings to life godly seeds, nurtured to conquer kingdoms. To God whom she owes reverence, she gives accountability, then to her husband, head, lover and friend, to whom she has a responsibility to tend, respect and submit and who adorns her with praises, love and honour unlimited. And to other authority, she is subject to, giving full obedience. Nurturing the potentials she calls from her storehouse of creative treasures, she produces excellent fruits and makes a mark on mankind.

As the footprints of my song fade, I stand fulfilled, examining the perfect portrait that now graces the artist’s canvas. I pray to see her, this great woman, parade portals of distinction in this present world. She is the woman worthy of emulation, for the creator formed the man, said, ‘I can do better,’ and created her, lovely woman of grace. I see her stand tall and confident, proudly human, proudly woman.

© Ify Omeni - The Tale Weaver

How to Avoid Abusive Relationship

 

A reader inbox me and asked me to do a detailed article on how to avoid abusive relationships. Though single, she is getting scared of the rising tide of abuses in marriages. She didn’t want to be a victim and wanted to know how to avoid toxic people in her relationship.

I agree with her. To be forewarned is to be forearmed. Before getting into a relationship, it is wise to know how to tell if you are getting involved with someone who will abuse you.

Abuses in relationships come in many ways: physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, economic, and psychological. 

Why are some people abusive in their relationships? The answer is power, control, dominance, and submission.

One partner wants to influence or control the other partner and when they couldn't achieve that, they get resentful, and being abusive is the only way to unleash these emotions. They use coercion, manipulation, or force to get what they want. Though it is more common for women to be the victims of relationship abuse, men also experience abuse in relationships too.

Below are hints on how to dictate and avoid abusive people. 

Take your time: 

If you meet someone you are interested in, take your time. Allow yourself to get to know the person before you decide the direction of the relationship.

 

Before you jump in, figure out if this is what you want, and figure out if this is leading where you think it’s leading. If it is, then take time out to study and understand the person. Is he/she what you want in a partner?

Don’t allow yourself to be pushed too fast or coerced into a hasty decision. Take things slowly, take time to think and assess the person. 

You don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is going to be pushy, jealous, or possessive. You want someone who will respect your boundaries, value you the way you are and loves you for real.

Most women, when they fall in love, become blind and will put up with anything. Especially those that need to get married desperately for one reason or the other. They succumb to a whirlwind romance, become engaged, live together with the man and then end up in regret afterwards.

If you walk carefully and take your time to get to know the person and are honest with yourself, you will not fall into the hand of an abuser. 

Avoid quick physical involvement.

Don’t sleep together, don’t move in, and start being a couple. Don’t get emotionally attached before you have time to figure out the person. 

I ran into an old friend recently; we got talking, she just fled from her marriage due to domestic abuse from her husband. 

I asked if she didn’t see the red flag while courting the man? She did, but pregnancy happened and she married him hoping marriage would change him, but he got worse after they were married. After five years of insult, embarrassment, and brutality, she left with three kids. The trauma left her emotionally and mentally damaged. She is in therapy now.

That is the danger of getting physical so early in a relationship. Only get physical when you’re sure the man is the real deal. Getting physical at the beginning of a relationship muddles a woman’s thinking. When you fall in love, make sure you land into the relationship with both feet. Don’t tumble into it, heart first.

Listen to Your Intuition

Listen to your intuition, not to your friends or relations, but to the message that comes from within you. Neither your parents nor your friends or relatives know the person better than you do.  You are in a better position to decide what's best for you than those around you. 

What does your intuition tell you about the person you are dating or living with? If your gut feeling is telling you, something is not right about the man or the relationship. Have a rethink.

 

Let your intuition be your guide. If you have nagging feelings about any aspects of the person or the relationship, understand your hunches or get out. Listen to that still, small voice inside you. When you put that voice first, above any voice in your head, you can’t go wrong.

If you have doubts, anxiety, persistent nagging thoughts, suspicion, apprehension or hesitation about going into the relationship or continuing with the person, listen to your intuition and act on it. 

Pay attention to his/her words or remarks

Don’t play blind and deaf. Observe the person’s actions and words. Pay attention to remarks and comments and how the person speaks to you. If their words are subtly insulting, belittling, humiliating, disrespectful, or intimidating, then beware, that’s verbal abuse. When your partner makes insulting remarks about you in public and embarrasses you in front of your family or friends, that is verbal abuse.

Verbal abuse is any kind of demeaning, degrading, insulting comments or remarks from your partner that hurts you. If your partner calls you lazy, stupid or senseless, probably under the guise of a joke and laughs it off and you feel hurt about it, that is abuse.

If the person can accept the same comments from you without getting offended, then fine. But if the person cannot take the same joke from you, then it’s a red flag. Beware.

Mr Nice and Charming is not always Mr Good

Meeting a charming and handsome man doesn’t mean you have met a good man. The man may be gentle, kind, and probably attentive, but behind all these good attributes, may lie a baser side hard to detect in the beginning. Be cautious and observant. Do not allow his gentle attitude to disarm you. 

Often we meet a guy or a gal and get carried away with their external fineness, and surface appeal and forget to take cognizant notice of other aspects of them. This mentality makes us ignore all the warnings and glaring signs that will help us avoid a toxic relationship. 

Do not jump to conclusions about if he is the one. But take one step at a time. This way, you will be far less likely to get into an abusive relationship.

Though the man is kind towards you in the beginning, don’t let down your guard. Watch how he interacts with those around him. That will give you an inkling of the person he is.

Watch how the person treats others. Abusive people are often very self-absorbed, unkind, or disrespectful to others, especially those they consider to be beneath them. How they treat others is a warning sign that they will eventually treat you the same.

Jealousy 

Jealousy can be flattering at the beginning of a relationship because it will appear like the other person cares so much about you and can’t bear to let anyone else be interested in you. However, jealousy, when in excess, differs from caring and has nothing to do with love. It is a sign of insecurity, possessiveness, and a lack of trust.

Excessive jealousy is a common character trait of an abusive person. If you’re in a relationship and your partner is jealous, it is a warning sign he/she is possessive, which is not healthy in the long run. If you are serious about a person who is excessively jealous, you better set boundaries from the beginning of the relationship.

If your partner resents the time you spend with your family or friends or questions you about the people you talk with or accuses you of flirting when he sees you with other men, watch out because that is a sign of possessiveness.

If your partner frequently calls to check on you, to find out where you are, who is with you and what you are doing? Don’t see this as a sign of love or care, but as a sign of jealousy.

Low self-esteem 

People with low self-esteem are always hypersensitive. They are quick to lose their tempers and react aggressively to normal criticism or commentary. A lot of abusers have low self-esteem and see any kind of critique as a threat. But they are quick to criticise and insult others.

If you feel sad, hurt, humiliated, or frustrated with your partner’s words or actions, this is a sign you are not in a healthy relationship. 

Also, if your partner uses outdated gender roles to keep you subservient, he or she may be an abusive person.

When a man uses an implied gender role to make you obey his orders, or subjugate you to a certain treatment, he is an abuser. Many male abusers see women as being inferior to men and use this philosophy as an excuse to batter or abuse them.

Some, because of their low self-esteem, try to keep their partners under them because they feel threatened by the lifestyles of their partners. A person with low self-esteem has feelings of inadequacy about him/herself and feelings of insecurity about their partners. 

 

Authoritative Behaviour

Authoritativeness and controlling character traits are other signs of an abusive person. 

If your partner becomes angry when you do not take his or her advice. If he attempts to control your movement, your life or your finances, or make personal decisions for you. You may be in an abusive relationship. 

A partner who is controlling undermines your integrity and shows a lack of respect for you. Men who are controlling are more likely to become physically abusive.

In one group I belonged to on Facebook, a lady wrote her sister died giving birth without revealing the father of the child. The responsibility of taking care of the child, a baby girl, fell on her. For eight years she took care of the girl as a daughter, sent her to the best private school in her area and made sure she dresses well and nicely. Then a man came into her life and proposed to marry her, but with conditions. He complained she buys expensive clothes for the girl. To please him, she went for cheaper clothes for the girl. Next, he asked her to withdraw the girl from the private school she attends and put her in a public school. She did. Last, the guy said he would not allow the girl into his home when he marries her. He told the lady to give up the girl for adoption or send her to someone who would take her in as a housemaid. She is frantically looking for who will take the girl off her hand. 

At the end of her post, she said no one should blame her or advise her otherwise. She is 37 years old and desperately needs to get married and the guy is the only one who is serious about marrying her.

This has the stamp of a toxic relationship, but she is too blind to see it. Probably, she is seeing the man’s behaviour as an act of concern for her. He has not yet married her but is controlling her life and she is allowing it. It will get to a point where the man controls what she wears, where she goes, and who she spends time with.

Isolating Behaviour

If your partner isolates you from your friends and family, forbids you to see other people or expresses anger when you spend time with friends on your own. It’s a sure sign of an abusive partner. Isolation is often the first step an abusive person uses to segregate their partners from social interaction with others.

A jealous and controlling person may often try to undermine family or friends with veiled concern for you. An abuser sees a close-knit family or friends as potential enemies and threats to his or her way of life. 

Some abusers even stop their partners from attending school or work, isolating them further from others and increasing their dependence on them for companionship and social acceptance.

Mood swing

Explosive anger and constant irritability are both warning signs of an emotionally unhealthy person. Mood swing is a form of emotional instability often caused by mental or behavioural disorders that trigger abusive tendencies in a person. Most abusers experience frequent mood changes, that’s why they have multiple personalities. Abusers are prone to explosions of rage when least expected, some days they will react differently to the same situation, it all depends on their mood at the time. Someone with such frequent mood changes and explosive character traits is unpredictable and so very hard to trust.

If you walk on eggshells around your partner, or constantly watch your words or actions around the person to avoid mood triggers, then you are in an unhealthy relationship.

Shifting blame.

Abusive people don’t accept responsibility for their actions. They rather blame others for their feelings and actions they commit. They shift the blame for the consequences of their action to others. “You made me angry. That's why I beat you.” Some will say, “You refuse to take my instruction, that’s why I’m mad at you.” It becomes the fault of the person they have abused. They make the person feel guilty and responsible for their words or actions.

If your partner refuses to accept responsibility for the mistakes they make in their lives and constantly blames others for his or her problems, the person has an abusive trait.

Abusers typically blame others, especially their partners, for almost anything that goes wrong in their lives.

Someone is always doing them wrong or out to get them, his/her wicked uncle, his/her village people, not the bad choices or mistakes they made. They will never accept it was their fault and will always insist they were right.

Unhealthy perfectionism. 

People with unrealistic expectations from others. People who want things to be done in a certain way or who want their partners to conform to their particular standards. Such people are toxic, you will never please them. They are always unreasonably angry over minor difficulties or challenges in their life and are not open to changes.

They are not flexible and when their partners do not meet their unrealistic expectations, they may become explosive, resentful, angry, and abusive. Though not everyone with perfectionist tendencies is an abuser, however, when it becomes extreme, it becomes toxic.  

A friend of mine on his Facebook wall posted this advice for ladies. I find it succinctly.

"Single girls, read these statements carefully and very well." 

1. Change your number after marriage.

2. Quit your job after marriage to take care of the kids.

3.  Stop keeping friends, no visitors, including family members after marriage.

You see these three statements, once you hear any of them or what loosely sounds like any of them from a man you are dating, no matter what stage the relationship is, even if you are getting married tomorrow, END IT!!!

These are the biggest red flags you can ever get in a relationship in Nigeria today. And it will not end well. They are a typical example of what you expect from a textbook narcissist. Like I said before, it will definitely end in tears. 

I’m just revealing this secret to you. 80% of single ladies that will read this will still go ahead to make the same mistake thinking, “he loves me,” while forgetting that me that is telling you this is also a man that knows how men reason more than you know.”