Essential Emotional Needs In Marriage

One of the most important things you can do to improve your family relationship is to understand and meet each other’s vital emotional needs. Emotional needs are feelings that tell us we are loved, valued, and essential to our spouse.

Couples build great marriages based on teamwork, mutual respect, a healthy dose of admiration and a never-ending portion of love and gratitude.

Relationships work well only when partners try to understand each other well. Emotional needs in a relationship are the deepest desires of spouses. Satisfying your partner’s essential needs will benefit your significant relationship immensely. It fuels romantic love and reduces discontentment. Emotional needs vary from person to person, and often influenced by cultural colouration. 

Communication and Understanding:

Couples need open and honest communication. Understanding each other's thoughts, feelings, and perspectives is crucial for a strong emotional connection.

Respect and Appreciation:

Mutual respect is fundamental in marriages. Couples need to feel valued and appreciated for their contributions to the relationship and the family.

Trust and Security:

Trust is a cornerstone of any successful marriage in many cultures, feeling secure in a relationship and trusting your partner is essential for emotional well-being.

Affection and Intimacy:

Physical affection and intimacy are important emotional needs for many married couples. This includes expressions of love, such as hugs, kisses, and other forms of physical closeness.

Support in Challenges:

Facing life's challenges together is a key aspect of marriage. Emotional support during difficult times, be it financial struggles or personal crises, is vital for the well-being of the couple.

Shared Values and Goals:

Couples often find emotional fulfillment when they share common values and goals. This sense of alignment creates a deeper connection and a shared sense of purpose.

Quality Time Together:

Spending quality time together is crucial for emotional bonding.  Dedicating time to shared activities strengthens the emotional connection between spouses.

Autonomy and Independence:

While togetherness is important, individuals in a marriage also need their independence. Respecting each other's autonomy fosters a healthy emotional balance.

Cultural and Religious Harmony:

Due to diverse cultures and religions. Couples often find emotional fulfillment when there's harmony and understanding regarding cultural and religious practices.

Celebrate Milestones:

Recognizing and celebrating personal and shared achievements is essential. Whether it's a professional success or a family milestone, acknowledging these accomplishments contributes to emotional well-being.

Remember, these emotional needs can vary from person to person, and effective communication within the marriage is key to understanding and meeting each other's unique emotional needs.

Intimate conversation:

Talking often is one of the best ways to make time for friendship in your busy marriage.

It’s important to remember that everyone’s emotional needs are different. What might be a need for one person might not be a need for another. That’s why it’s essential to communicate with your spouse about what they need from you.

Transparency:

Trust, accountability and mutual respect are essential in a healthy relationship, so be transparent and work together on projects that will build your fmily connection.

Family commitment and companionship

Spend time together weekly to build a strong relationship. Be willing to learn from one another and be open to discussing fundamental topics.

Establish daily habits to help you stay connected, including prayer and shared interests. Play and Laugh often, and appreciate each other’s differences. Celebrate your spouse’s successes and not failures.

Sexual fulfilment:

Sexual fulfilment is an essential physical need in marriages. It is the most profound need of men. Beacuse of their higher testosterone, men have a higher sex drive than women.

There are different motivations for sexual fulfilment in both sexes. For example, men take part in sex to please their cravings. But, women mostly engage in sex for intimacy and emotional bonding.

Focusing your sexual energy on your marriage reduces the dangers of extramarital affairs and relational breakdown. 

Attentiveness:

Be attentive to your partner’s physical and emotional needs.

Make your marriage your priority. Not your work or your friends. Workaholism and over-ambitiousness are the banes of marital harmony.

A wife needs  her husband’s physical and emotional presence to feel protected and loved. 

Emotional needs play a critical role in determining a healthy marriage. When emotional needs are met, patners are likely to feel safe, happy, and secure in the marriage. On the other hand, when these relationship needs go unmet, conflict is sure to arise.

Review of Building Intimacy By John Chinaka Onyeche

Romantic love has a hidden desire and is possessive. With time, feelings such as jealousy, impatience, misunderstanding, lust, discord, and strife rock the relationship. Because physical qualities and desires are the foundation, it topples. When the chemistry and attraction dry up, love shrinks, and we notice and point out negative things and hold grudges." - Ngozi Ebubedike. Building Intimacy. 

Picking up this book written for Love, I have often asked myself a thousand and one questions as to know if I should read the book or just let it be because it is for love/lovers which I can only see myself out of the entire story of love/loving to an extent. 

Ngozi's insights on love and intimacy expanded my understanding of what love should be. Each chapter prompts introspection and provides answers that come like a powerful gust of wind.

How else should a work of art hold you bound, I leave such a question from this wonderful book for you to answer after reading it. 

Starting from the first chapter to the last, Ngozi held her readers with care and helped them walk through the lanes and lens of a retrospective moment to know from where they have fallen from this emotion called love/loving. 

I - intentionally

N - nurture 

T - traits 

I - inclined to 

M - motivate 

A - affectionate 

C - comradeship 

Y - your partner 

This is her definition of intimacy and if you truly go through it, you will believe me that many of us are nowhere to be found in this thing called love/loving. 

I think I should be using "Loving", instead of love. 

From its forward, there was this scenario that was created to depict what most of us call intimacy or love in short. 

'The sales girl gave us a different taste of each with disposable plastic mini cups to help us choose. We sipped, trashed the cup, and waited to sample the next one. That is how modern-day relationships have reduced the integrity of love.' 

Pictures upon pictures of what deplorable condition our human world has left love to and the aftermath of this negative impact of everyone tasting and not for the sake of maintenance but 'since it is plenty in the market, let me see the next one' mindset is wracking havocs already. 

"in today's world, genuine love is in short supply, and intimacy is a lesser travelled route. People no longer have long-term plans for relationships. They are after the here-and-now thrills."  

For me, this is a must-come-back-to-read book of all time and I will be glad to recommend it to you if you have anything to do with finding and maintaining an intimate relationship with anyone. Add this book to your shelf and thank me later. 

Finally, in her exact words, "We put much stock in finding a partner for a relationship. But after a short while, we forget why we are in a relationship and discard all the show of care and affection exhibited at the beginning." 

Go get your copy of this book today and find out more than I can write here. 

https://selar.co/16i3w0

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CD125J4L

One-sided relationship

What Is a One-Sided Relationship?

Are you putting more effort into your relationship than your partner? Are you investing more energy and time into making the relationship work? Are you always the one reaching out, doing all the texting, calling, and planning of dates? If the answer is yes, you're probably in a one-sided relationship. 

A one-sided relationship is a situation where one partner is carrying most of the responsibilities; financially, physically, emotionally, and mentally. It is also a situation where one partner has strong feelings or affection for someone who does not share those feelings with them. 

An imbalance in action, emotional investment, and mutuality of feelings between partners characterised a one-sided relationship. 

It is emotionally challenging and potentially toxic for one partner in a romantic relationship to shoulder most of the shared activities, or take care of most of the duties the couple should share equally. For a relationship to be healthy and balanced it requires effort from both partners. 

Because of this imbalance, the person doing all the work often feels resentful, which can be emotionally and physically draining. 

A mutual, and satisfying relationship provides stability and security. But a one-sided relationship lacks the healthy balance required for stability. 

When one partner works harder than the other to keep the relationship afloat, with time the connection, the amount of effort, energy, communication, emotional, or financially input will dissolve because the imbalance is only sustainable for a while. Loneliness, frustration, resentment, anger, insecurity and other emotions will surface with time.

Twelve signs that show you're in a one-sided relationship:

Unequal Effort: One partner always puts in more effort, starts contact, plans activities, or shows more affection, while the other partner shows little emotion and put no effort to make the relationship vibrate. When the other person doesn’t seem to care or doesn't put in much effort, you feel you're forcing a connection. It leaves you doubting their intentions, commitment, and investment in the relationship. 

Lopsided Communication: One partner dominates conversations, and always dismisses or ignores the other's opinions, feelings, and interests. Or one partner is constantly initiating activities and communication because the other partner expects you to start interactions, and make plans for what you do together. Though some people are better at communicating and planning than others it doesn’t mean you should be the only one putting effort to keep the relationship alive. Your partner should at least put in some effort and show commitment.

Lack of Reciprocity: One partner consistently seeks emotional or practical support, but rarely provides the same level of support when the other partner needs such. Also, when affection, care, or support is mostly or entirely one-sided, with little or no reciprocation from the other partner. When you constantly crave their attention and care and never get it. 

In a balanced relationship, you don’t need to work for time and attention from your partner. Instead, both should want to connect physically and emotionally if the interest is mutual. 

One-Way Sacrifices: One partner consistently makes sacrifices or compromises to accommodate the other's needs or desires, while the other is indifferent. You sacrifice everything to make your partner happy; you ignored your wants and needs just to hold up the relationship and you make excuses all the time to exonerate your partner’s behaviour. That's a sign you are compromising and sacrificing too much for someone who doesn't value you or the relationship as much as you do. 

Emotional Unavailability: One partner is emotionally distant, avoids sharing feelings, or minimises the importance of the relationship, leaving the other partner feeling unsupported. Or where your partner uses your emotions or feelings to manipulate you to their advantage, without genuine care or commitment. They are never emotionally available.

Self-Centeredness: One partner primarily focuses on their own needs, goals, and interests, while disregarding or undermining the other partner's aspirations. They rarely initiate anything that would be to your benefit. If the other partner is insecure, they try to control the other by limiting their contact with family and friends and dictating how they should live their life.

Limited Time and Attention: Your partner consistently prioritises other activities, hobbies, or friendships over spending quality time with you, making you feel unimportant and unwanted in the relationship. They never have time enough for you or pay attention to your feelings and moods.

Lack of Appreciation: Your partner rarely acknowledges or expresses gratitude for the efforts and contributions you made in the relationship. They show a lack of interest, disinterest, or indifference toward your feelings or well-being.

Decision-Making Disparities: Your partner consistently makes important decisions without consulting or considering your opinions, leading to feelings of exclusion. This often leads to emotional distress, insecurity, and frequent fluctuations between hope and disappointment. Or maybe you are the one to make most major relationship decisions while your partner doesn’t care either way or shrug off the responsibility of making important decisions altogether. So you carry the weight of almost all the important decisions on your shoulder with little or no input from your partner.

Weaponised Incompetence: Your partner intentionally put up actions designed to burden you with responsibilities they don’t want to deal with. It is a situation where your partner feigns an inability to perform basic tasks and so shifts the burden of responsibility to you and conveniently gets out of contributing or investing their time and effort in the relationship.

Making Excuses: You are the one to apologise, whether or not you are at fault, after a conflict or argument, in other to keep the relationship going without your partner taking responsibility for their actions. If your partner is always twisting your words or making you feel guilty for expressing your feelings or resentment, you're most likely in a toxic, one-sided relationship. 

You should never have to apologise or feel ashamed for seeking support, especially from your partner.

Lack of Intimacy. How do you connect intimately with your partner? Does your partner shower you with physical affection like cuddling or holding hands? Do you share an intellectual connection over books or movies? Intimacy is not just sexual. If your partner is not interested in sharing intimate moments with you, it means the relationship is probably a one-sided one.

Causes Of One-Sided Relationships

Sometimes relationships are one-sided because one partner is manipulative or toxic. In other cases, however, a variety of factors can contribute to a relationship becoming one-sided.

Poor Communication Skills

One or both partners struggle with sharing their feelings, needs, and preferences. Practising and improving communication skills can help increase clarity, and proffer solutions, responses, and opportunities to repair and rebuild the relationship if that is the desire of both partners.

Insecurity

One partner is afraid of losing the relationship if they don't take care of everything themselves. This leads to them taking on an imbalanced share of responsibility in the relationship.

Conflicting Expectations

Each partner has a set of ideas about what a relationship means and what they hope to get out of it. If you are more committed and dedicated to the relationship than your partner is, it is bound to feel one-sided. Sometimes one-sided relationships occur because of a lack of communication and clarity about expectations, hopes, and feelings.

Personal Problems

If one partner is dealing with stress or battling symptoms of a mental health condition, it can play a role in how they act in a relationship. They may not give their partners the attention they need because they are grappling with personal issues.

Attachment Syndrome

Attachment syndrome can play a role in how people behave in romantic relationships. Someone with a serious attachment problem may worry that the other person does not feel as strongly as they do.

This can lead to one partner becoming clingy and enmeshed in the relationship while the other tries to get away from it as best as possible. In romantic relationships, this type of behaviour often leads one partner to become emotionally dependent on the other.

Impact of One-Sided Relationship

One-sided relationships are toxic, especially when one partner is intentionally taking advantage of the other. Some of the damaging effects of this type of relationship include:

Increased stress: The stress of being in this type of relationship takes a toll on both your physical and mental health. While healthy relationships act as protective buffers against stress, research has found that some relationships create stress that is harmful to your health. Issues like insomnia, anxiety, depression, and decreased immunity are a few of the potentially detrimental effects of excessive stress. 

Feelings of loneliness: Besides the stress of doing most of the work in the relationship, the lack of mutual effort can leave one partner feeling isolated. They might not be able to talk to the other partner about their feelings or the problem they are dealing with.

Low self-esteem: The disappointment one partner experiences in a one-sided relationship leaves them feeling rejected, unsupported, and unloved. This can make it hard for them to feel confident and secure in the relationship. Constantly pursuing someone who does not reciprocate your feelings can take a toll on your self-esteem, leading to feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness.

Unhealthy Obsession: Disproportionate preoccupation, and investing a significant amount of time and energy into someone who does not feel the same can be detrimental to your well-being. You may unintentionally neglect other relationships or essential aspects of your life while obsessing over unrequited love.

Frequently worrying about the relationship, and craving more connection but accepting the crumbs of affection your partner offers, diminishes your worth in the relationship.

Inability to Move On: Finding it hard to let move on from the person, even when it is clear they do not share the same feelings, shows a toxic attachment.

Emotional Dependency: Relying heavily on your partner for happiness or emotional fulfilment, rather than finding it within yourself contributes to a one-sided relationship. If you find yourself in a toxic one-sided love situation, prioritise your well-being by distancing yourself from the person and focusing on your growth and happiness.

How your relationship makes you feel is the most important red flag. In one-sided relationships, you’re likely to feel anxious, empty, lonely, misunderstood, insecure, or resentful. If you feel you are more committed to your relationship or investing more time, energy, or effort, do an honest assessment of the situation, look at your options, and decide if the relationship is worth saving or moving on with your life. A one-sided relationship isn't healthy for either partner. 

Relationships require give and take and compromise to achieve balance and function correctly. 

Everything mustn't be shared equally to create a balance in the relationship, but if you are striving harder to make your relationship work, you need to address the issues with open communication or seek professional guidance to determine the best course of action. A lack of communication and clarity about expectations hopes, and feelings sometimes foster one-sided relationships. Open communication also allows you to work through barriers or conflicts to grow stronger as a team. A loving relationship with shared values and commitment makes you feel safe, loved, confident, connected, understood, and secure. 

How To Handle Betrayal In A Relationship

 

Betrayal in a relationship is the breaking of trust through dishonesty, infidelity, or a breach of commitment. It is a painful and challenging experience that causes hurt, anger, and disappointment. Betrayal is a bitter experience that shakes the foundation of relationships and kills the ability to trust and without trust, relationships cannot function.

A relationship is a bond created out of mutual trust. We engage in some forms of relationships. It can be with friends, partners, family or intimate relationships. All these relationships are based on trust; when one breaks that trust, the other person gets shattered. Some relationships are never forever, however, when the reason for severance is betrayal, it causes emotional distress and trauma. 

Romantic relationships are one part of social acceptability which everyone craves, they give a sense of belonging. As a result, when betrayal occurs, there is a sense of loss and emotional shock that make one vulnerable to heartbreak, depression, mental disorder, and even suicide. 

Causes of Betrayal

A variety of factors, both internal and external causes betrayal in a relationship. Here are some common causes of betrayal:

High Expectations: 

High expectations and unmet needs can lead to frustration. When one or both partners feel unheard or neglected, and when their expectations or needs are not realised in the relationship, they may seek connection or fulfilment outside, resulting in betrayal.

Infidelity: 

One of the most prominent forms of betrayal is infidelity. When one partner cheats by engaging in a romantic or sexual relationship with someone else, it shatters trust. Cheating in a relationship is caused by dissatisfaction, a desire to try something/someone new, a lack of contentment or personal issues like excessive ambition, greed, lust or passion.

Emotional dissatisfaction: 

When a person feels emotionally unfulfilled in a relationship, they may seek emotional support or intimacy with someone else. Sharing deep emotional connections with someone other than your partner can lead to a breach of trust and a sense of betrayal.

Unresolved conflicts: 

Unaddressed conflicts and unresolved issues can create resentment, frustration, and emotional distance between partners. If these conflicts are not effectively addressed, one or both partners may become more vulnerable to seeking validation or emotional satisfaction elsewhere, resulting in betrayal.

Individual factors: 

Personal issues such as low self-esteem, greed, lust, unresolved past trauma, or a tendency towards impulsivity can contribute to the likelihood of betrayal. These factors can lead individuals to seek excitement or escape from their current relationship, often without considering the consequences.

External influences: 

External factors, such as peer pressure, societal expectations, or the influence of friends or family, can play a role in betrayals. Sometimes, people succumb to external temptations, and social or family pressures which encourage them to act against the values and commitments they made with their partners. 

It's important to note that while these factors can contribute to betrayal, every situation is unique, and the causes of betrayal can vary significantly from one relationship to another. Understanding and addressing these underlying causes can be crucial in rebuilding trust and healing a relationship after betrayal occurs.

How to Handle Betrayal in Relationships: 

Acknowledge what has happened: 

Do not avoid the situation. Accepting difficult conditions and the emotions that come with them will help you calm down your internal turmoil. You may feel anxiety, stress, sickness, grief and other emotions.  Air them out and do not feel ashamed. You must work out ways to help you recover from the trauma faster and get your life back on track.

Take time for self-care: 

Betrayal will make you feel hurt or angry. Allow yourself to experience and process your emotions without judgment. 

Focus on self-care and self-healing. Engage in activities that give you joy, reduce stress, and promote well-being. It can include exercise, hobbies, spending time with friends and family. Turn to others for support. Many people just shut their doors of trust and thus do not tell anyone. This attitude can cause depression and emotional stress. Talking with your family or friends is always a good option.

Open Communication: 

When ready, have an open and honest conversation with your partner about the betrayal. Share your feelings and concerns, and allow them to explain their actions. Effective communication is crucial for understanding each other's perspectives and working towards a resolution if the possibility exists.

Seek support: 

Going through betrayal is a distressing experience. Seeking support from trusted friends, family members, or even a therapist is necessary. They can provide a listening ear, offer guidance, and help you navigate the healing process.

Set boundaries: 

Rebuilding trust after betrayal requires establishing clear boundaries. Determine what is acceptable and what is not in the relationship. It may involve discussing expectations, commitments, and behaviour that both partners will abide by.

Counselling or therapy: 

Seeking professional help can be beneficial if the betrayal deeply affects your emotional well-being and the relationship. A therapist can guide you through the healing process, provide tools for communication, and facilitate the rebuilding of trust.

Rebuilding trust: 

Rebuilding trust takes time and effort from both partners. It requires consistent honesty, open communication, and a willingness to work through the pain together. Setting goals and making mutual commitments to rebuilding trust while remaining patient with the process may be helpful.

Evaluate the relationship: 

While healing from betrayal, it's essential to reflect on the relationship, assess whether it’s healthy, and if both partners are genuinely committed to making it work. Sometimes, rebuilding trust may not be possible or in the best interest of both individuals.

Handling betrayal in a relationship is a personal journey. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to it. The important thing is to prioritise your well-being, take care of yourself and make decisions that align with your values and needs.

Betrayal is a painful experience that causes the person betrayed to lose their ability to trust again. It destroys self-confidence and causes the betrayed to question their judgment in the relationship. 

Let us not lose our confidence or our ability to trust others because of some people’s behaviour. When betrayal occurs, do not feel pressured. Take time and allow yourself to think and heal, then move on. Focus on your goals, what you need and the process to achieve your goals.

Choose to battle your conflicts wisely.

 

Whenever two people are in a relationship there will be conflicts, no two people think alike. No matter how much you have in common, no matter your similarity, from time to time you will encounter differences that will lead to an argument.

Quarrelling with your partner is inevitable, when you have two different individuals sharing a life together, they will bring their different values and perspectives into the relationship. This makes them have different viewpoints on some things and clash over them. 

The necessity or inevitability of having conflicts in your relationship is not in doubt. However, the way you handle conflicts in your relationship will hinge or unhinge your emotional as well as physical connectedness with your partner. So be conscious and choose to battle conflicts wisely.

Choosing how to battle your conflict wisely means being selective of the problems, arguments, and confrontations that you get involved in with your partner. 

Don’t quarrel over every insignificant issue, save your time for the things that matter; things that are of the most important to the well-being of your relationship in the long run.

A pastor said he had a couple’s night with couples in his church that had been married for over twenty years. During a discussion on conflicts in marriage, most of them confessed that what they fought over at the beginning of their marriages now appeared stupid and inconsequential.

Not everything is worth fretting over. Some things simply don’t matter in the long run. 

We should instead focus on the big important things. Every conflict takes up time. Every problem you engage yourself in, takes up time, energy and emotional toll on you and your partner.

Useless arguments, jealousy, ego,  unforgiving, discontentment, a fight for dominance, pride. These are negative attitudes, and starting fights over them is a ridiculous waste of time and energy.

How to battle your conflicts wisely.

1. Don’t argue over the little things.

Instead of making every little molehill a mountain, agree not to make something a battle unless it’s truly important. It is not every disagreement that should turn into a fight. 

There are things that matter, and there are some that are not worth getting angry about. If you argue over every little thing, you will find yourself arguing endlessly; it takes a toll on your relationship over time. Save your energy for the real things that matter.

This doesn’t mean you bow to your partner’s demands when it’s something you feel strongly about. However,  take time, question the level of importance of the matter at hand and how an argument over it will affect your relationship. This will help you determine whether a fight over it is worth your time.

2. Practice understanding.

If there is a disagreement between you and your partner, don’t always fly off the handle, try to remember that the other person came into the relationship with a different background and set of experiences. 

Because of this, both of you will not reason alike, and you should not force your partner to accept your viewpoint readily.

You may not like their opinion and actions, but you should at least, try to understand them. 

This ability to understand develops emotional intimacy between the two of you. 

To clearly understand your partner and the situations they are in shows empathy on your side. Empathy makes the argument more

constructive than destructive. Empathy means having a basic understanding of what your partner is thinking and feeling.

3. Patience pays.

It pays to be cautious and patient when issues arise, if possible before the issue escalates into major friction, take deep breaths and let go and probably revisit the issue when tensions are down. Certain issues are best dealt with, with a rational mind and understanding.

But when you are in the heat of a conflict, it may not be easy to back down, walk away if you can and allow your partner to calm down. 

4. Don’t assume anything.

You should keep in mind that you and your partner came into the relationship with different expectations. Don’t automatically assume you know what your partner wants or what’s best for them. Don’t second guess your partners’ reactions to certain issues. Always ask and clarify with one another.

Clarify what the person meant by their action instead of what you perceived their action to mean. Most of the time, your partner is not intentionally trying to hurt you, and getting hurt happened to be a by-product of the action.

5. No lock is without a key.

Every problem comes with a solution. If we keep shying away from an issue without tackling it, you may fail to see the solution within it.

Without resorting to fighting, you both can get back on track and have a peaceful resolution of whatever problem is ailing your relationship. 

There is no lock in this world that comes without a key. To find the key to your problem, talk frequently and openly about everything, even if it hurts.

Don’t let inconsequential issues deprive you of the feeling of connectedness you want to share with your partner. Maturely solve all your problems and enjoy your relationship.

6. Everyone has defects by design.

Focus on the problem or the cause of the argument, don’t add more logs to the simmering fire by saying words that will ridicule your partner’s weakness or character defects.

Your partner is not the cause of your anger. Emotions such as anger are reactions to actions or words by your partner. When you’re angry with what your partner said or did, don’t vent your anger by attacking their personality. Such attacks are more damaging and have a long-lasting effect. 

7. There should be no scoreboard.

When there is an issue your aim should be on how to solve the problem and not on how to turn it into a  battle to score points.

Don’t stretch the issue because you want to prove you are right. It is better to be happy than to be right. 

Remember, in a relationship, there’s no such thing as winning an argument. There should be no scoreboard. When you end up being right about an issue, don’t wave it like a sword over your partner’s head. Don’t gloat and rub it in, it’s like rubbing salt into an injury, the burst of pain from a hurt ego might leave a long-lasting scar on your relationship.

8 Learn to communicate your feelings.

Shared feelings resolve misunderstandings and give you an inkling of understanding your partner’s words or actions. If they tell you the intended meaning of their action was not as you perceived it, believe them.

Share your side of the argument mutually and pay attention to what your partner is saying. Let your discussion over issues end in a mutually satisfactory way and not in a brawl. If you’re not satisfied with the outcome of your talk, then choose to revisit it later when tensions are not high. 

9. Don’t add new wine to an old wineskin.

When an argument is over, consider it over. When you argue, it doesn’t matter who was right and who was wrong, or who was mean and who was nice, once the argument is over, leave it there, and do not bring it up every time a new issue comes up.

The Bible says, don’t add new wine into an old wineskin, or it will burst. And so, rehashing old issues, old hurts or past anger will add resentment and frustration to your relationship.

10. Don’t fight dirty.

One of the most common ways fights can be awful is by throwing out insults and saying things you don't mean in the heat of the moment. Choose your words carefully, and be mindful of your partner’s feelings. 

Don’t use words that wound feelings and escalate friction, and don’t insult your partner or his/her family.  Don’t throw their past in their face, don’t use sarcastic words or make harsh, critical comments, no pointing of fingers or engaging in blame wars. When emotions are high, you may say rash things you don't mean, but that doesn't mean your partner won't take it to heart.

When conflict is healthy and productive in a relationship, it gives a couple an opportunity to learn about each other and how their partner sees and experiences the world. It can also generate creative solutions to problems and help the couple bond.

Don’t settle for a relationship

If you want a happy, healthy relationship, then don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t meet your needs, otherwise, in the long run, you will have regrets.

You know what you want and the standard you want from a potential mate. The best thing you can do for yourself is not to lower your standard or settle for just anyone because you want to be in a relationship. Don’t put up with anyone that does not align with your values. Have a strong sense of self. No settling into a relationship with just anybody.

Until you are confident the man admires and cares for you as a person not just your body, don’t give your heart to him. And also, until you feel the man is what you want and he fits into the type of person you desire for a relationship. He is a compatible partner.

It is heart-wrenching to note that most women don’t even know what they want in a partner and so they settle for whoever comes around with a friendship proposal, only to realise too late they have made a mistake.

Any woman with a vision should know the kind of man who aligns with her vision and value in life. Without a vision, a woman can blindly settle for any man because she doesn’t know what she wants. If a woman doesn’t know where she is heading in life, she will likely end up in the wrong place with the wrong man.

Why am I being particular about women? Because it takes a woman’s consent for a relationship/marriage to commence. Without a woman saying yes to a man’s proposal or friendship overture, nothing happens between them.

So, sis, before you jump into that relationship before you say yes to his proposal, shine your eyes and search your heart well and make sure he is who you want. And not someone you just want to settle down with because of pressure from your family, friends and society.

This is what my friend, Christine Vidal-Nwachuku of Courtship Academy wrote on this issue:

“A few years back, my husband accompanied me to a departmental store to help select clothes for myself.

After picking up a few dresses on display, I entered the fitting room. 

As I wore each, I stepped out and did some catwalks and turnarounds for my husband.

Thumbs up for some, thumbs down for others.

I ended up not picking some that he gave the thumbs up. Why?

They were lovely on display, and when I wore them, but they were not my type.

I knew I would be flushing our hard-earned Dolapo down the drain by picking them because I wouldn’t wear them. 

They were not me. 

It’s for this same reason I tell singles, no one can select a spouse for them.

The person may look nice but may not gel with who you are.

Marriage is great when you’re with the right person that suits you.

Consider these scenarios.

Gbenga works in an oil company and has a child outside wedlock. Your family approves of him but deep down you know you don't want to care for a child that's not yours. 

Sis, just waka instead of putting this child at risk of improper care and yourself at loggerhead with potential hubby, Gbenga.

Bros, you are with this girl whose father has all the right connections that can turn your life around at the snap of the fingers. 

She will look good on your CV of life.

But you're a traditionalist who believes a woman's place is in the kitchen, and this babe doesn't know where to turn on the stove.

Bros, she no bi ya type, just waka. No use ya hand pluck kata-kata come enta ya house.

Leave her for the man who doesn’t care about who cooks and when.

Sis, you want to pursue your career and you're determined there's nothing that will stop you from pursuing a doctorate. 

At 35, you feel you are getting on in years and should settle down. 

Luckily, Duza has come to your rescue.

But he always has negative views whenever discussions or TV programs involving successful women who are excelling in their careers or businesses come up. 

Yes, it's important to acquire MRS. title but more so to embark on this life journey with someone who will not smother your career plans. 

He is not your type, put him back on the ‘rack’ for the lady who is ready not to pursue books and career upandan.

Just take a walk. Don't settle for him.

Joseph is a correct guy, except that he has trust and anger issues. 

Any ding from message dropping in your phone, he reaches for it. 

If you no gree na serious Mohammed Ali style you go receive. See ehn, no just think dis one, comot shoe, run for ya life. 

Except you are the type that likes to receive such packaged gifts, then he will be a perfect fit. 

Of course, he is such a handsome guy. Some abusers are not ugly, dey fine d.i.e.

You think say Peter planned for Osinachi to dye? 

Mba! 

Na wrong action for wrong place dey cause am and sorry no fit correct dis own o.

Sis, Anyida is ready to slide the ring on your finger but you must prove your fertility by getting pregnant first.

You want to abstain till marriage but there is pressure for you to get married. Your family sees nothing wrong with pregnancy before marriage.

Ahn ah! That means he's not your type naa.

If you don't know yourself, it will be hard to choose a spouse that brings that bliss you desire in marriage.

That's how you will take your hand scoop sand and pour on your face.

Anyone that's not your type, return to 'rack.'

This is why we created Module 4 at our Online Courtship Academy to show you How Knowing Yourself Guides You During Courtship.

Even if you have entered courtship, which is like the fitting room in my story, if you discover the person is not your type, return to ‘rack.’

 In this case, serve hot breakfast. 

If not, be ready to change your name to ‘Endurance’ after marriage.”

Your No-Nonsense Coach.

#onlinecourtship Academy.

 

Are you a placeholder in your relationship?

One of my father’s workers, Friday, once brought a woman to the house and introduced her to Chief, as his wife. Chief was sceptical and asked the woman twice if Friday was her husband, which she affirmed. Chief prayed and blessed them. Some weekends, Friday would take off to Port Harcourt to visit his wife.

This happened years back. On the first day of this year, my phone rang, and I picked it up. It was Friday after we exchanged pleasantries and a happy new year. He told me he is now in Port Harcourt and has been there for a year now.

Thinking he has finally joined his wife there, I asked about her.

“Aunty, who?”

“Your wife that stays in Port Harcourt. The one you brought home and presented to chief?”

“Oh, aunty, that woman. Na the woman wey I take hold body and enjoy myself. My wife and grown-up children dey my village.”

I was speechless.

I was in a saloon one day with two ladies. One was seeking advice. A man she had lived with for three years asked her to pack out of his house that he wouldn’t marry. His reason: she is three years older than him. According to her, the guy was aware of the difference in their ages before the commencement of the relationship. They have made plans for the future and contributed money to rent a flat since they both work and earn good salaries.

It appeared the guy wants to settle down but not with her. Probably, he has seen someone he wants to marry and wants her out of his life. Invariably, for the three years she lived with him, she was just a place-holder, someone he used to “hold body” until he meets the woman he wants to marry.

Last year, one of my friends came gushing about a guy she met. In her words, “the guy is loaded and knows how to spend money.” I was happy for her. Four months later we met, and I asked about her rich boyfriend. 

“The guy wants to take the relationship to the next level,” she told me

“When is the wedding bell going to toll?” I asked.

“I don’t want to marry him.”

“Why?” I was confused.

She sighed. “See, the bobo is good. He has a heart of gold, but…”

I waited.

“The guy ugly no be small.”

“Excuse me?”

“He is not somebody I can proudly introduce to my friends as my husband.”

“So, what have you been doing with him?”

She shrugged. “He is just my man for the moment and not a forever thing.”

That means the man is a placeholder in her life. She just wanted to catch a cruise, and enjoy the man and his money until someone she feels is better comes along.

Who is a place-holder in a relationship?

A place-holder is someone who temporarily fills or occupies a place in someone’s life.

Urbandictionary.com described a placeholder as “the person one dates, makes out with, or sleeps with while waiting or actively searching for the love of one’s life.”

Often you’re in a relationship with someone and for all intents and purposes, you believe you are partners, but unknown to you, you're just holding the place for someone because your partner plans to end things when he or she meets their true love, whether they are consciously aware of that fact or not.

You are in a relationship and it didn’t work out, probably because of certain circumstances and you ended it. This is a normal occurrence, it is not all relationships that end up in marriage. Being used as a placeholder is different. It is when you know a person is not who you wanted, but you still hold on to the relationship pending when you get someone you consider worthy to be in a relationship with. It’s painful to realise your partner doesn’t think you’re the real deal but sees you as a stand-in or a placeholder in the relationship. 

At the beginning of the relationship, your partner’s intention may not be to use you as a placeholder, but the “see finish syndrome,” may creep into the relationship and the person discovers you’re not what he/she wanted for a long-term and so you become a placeholder. This can happen to anyone. When you feel your partner is no longer relevant to you, it’s better to end the relationship rather than put the person on ‘hold’ or make him/her a bed warmer until someone “better” comes along.

Signs that you're a placeholder in your relationship. 

When the relationship is not defined.

The beginning of a relationship is always the best time to define your feelings and set boundaries. But If your partner keeps you in the dark for a long time about their feelings. If they can’t express their feelings to you, it means you’re in the relationship alone. If your role in the relationship is not clearly defined, it becomes ambiguous.

You’ve been in a relationship with a guy for a long time and he has not defined what you are to him or make it official, he tells you he loves you but asked you not to be in a big rush to announce the relationship to friends or family members. It is a sign the guy is using you as a placeholder. It means you are keeping the spot warm while he waits for the next best thing. 

Your relationship is in a closet.

Your relationship is in a closet if your partner cannot introduce you to people that are important in their life, like friends and family, even though you have been together for some time. This is so because your partner sees you as someone temporarily in their life. 

They don’t consider you as an important part of their life and wouldn’t go through the trouble of letting you into their life when they don’t think you’ll be around for long. 

 Also, if they are concealing the relationship and you have not met his close family and friends. It’s a sign the person is not serious about you or committed to you.

 In a serious and committed relationship, you should know the important people in each other's lives. But if he/she wants to appear single, they are just using you as a placeholder while they hunt for someone else. 

Inability To Make Plans With You

Some people who see their partners as placeholders can be wary of any serious discussion about the future. Someone who doesn’t consider you as the real deal wouldn’t want to make a long-term plan with you. They will always use words like, “let’s watch and see,” or “let’s take each day as it comes,” to stop you from talking about any plan with them. Don't trust such false words. It shows you’re not a priority, but a placeholder.

Even when some make plans with you and it ended up all talk and no action. It's a sign they didn’t consider you worthy to remain with them in the future. If there is no evidence they are thinking about a long term with you, this could be a sign you’re not seen as the “real deal” or the “idle person.”

You're A Rebound

When someone dates you right after they got out of a relationship, chances are they are using you as a rebound and a placeholder. However, it depends on the way your partner sees you. Some rebound relationships work out, eventually.  

However, some people feel sad or lonely when they ended a relationship, and might likely go into a new relationship right away to lessen the pain and trauma of the breakup. In such cases, if your partner sees you as a consolation package, then you’re a placeholder.

Your partner never takes the time to know the real you. 

You’re dating someone who doesn’t seem to get along with your friends, who never feel comfortable going out in public with you. It’s an indicator the person never sees the relationship as something lasting. 

A partner who cares about you and wants to have something real with you would want to know everything about you and would be interested in what makes you, you. Interested in knowing your friends and even some family members. If not, you're being used as a placeholder. Since they don’t consider you as their main choice, they wouldn’t want to get deeply involved with you. 

You are never present on their social media accounts.

As social beings, we often want to know how our partners perceive us, what we mean to them and our stand or position with them in the relationship. 

Typically, you see people write “in a relationship,” on their social media profile pages. Some go further to post the pictures of the love of their life so all their Instagram, FB, etc, friends know they are in a relationship with the person.

There are still some who wouldn’t do that. They don’t want people to know about their private life. It’s acceptable if everyone that matters to them already knows about your relationship with your partner. But if one reason your partner is not giving you an internet presence is that they still want to present themselves as available to others, then you’re a placeholder in the relationship.

Your partner doesn’t have time for you.

When a partner feels you are unnecessary or unimportant in their life, they will accord you little or no time in their daily schedule. 

If your partner is not putting energy or time into the relationship, or your role in their life is being downplayed. They only call when they need you for something, probably sex, or fill-in- dates for parties and social events. Then you’re a placeholder in the relationship.

Your partner calls you or seeks your attention when it’s convenient for them, and when they feel like it, without consideration for your needs and time, it’s a sign you’re being used as a placeholder.

If you are in a relationship and feel uncertain about whether your partner sees a future with you or you’re not feeling as connected as you’d like to be. If you are not treated as a significant part of your partner, you don’t feel you’re an essential part of their life. You don’t feel valued in your relationship. You’re a placeholder.

Your partner shies away from commitment.

If you’ve been dating your partner for a long time and each time you talk about commitment and they tell you they are not yet ready to settle down, it probably means you are not what they want or who they want to settle down with.

You’re a “tag-along” date for occasions like birthday parties, weddings, or office parties, which end in his bed. But a discussion never happens nor did he give you a concrete answer on what your relationship is or where it’s going. You are just a flavour of the moment. A placeholder and a bed warmer. Just friends with benefits. He provides the dates and you supply the sex.

However, if both of you have discussed having a long-term commitment, and it seems like they are not showing up or investing in moving the relationship to the next level, your efforts to talk about it are being ignored or swept aside. You need to re-assess the relationship. Probably you have become a placeholder and they are using you to “hold body.” 

Your partner is not paying any attention to you.

A partner who wants a serious relationship with you will want to know everything about you, will want to know how you spend your day, will listen to you and pay attention to both your said and unsaid words.

But if they rarely ask about your day, never listen to you, never remember what you tell them and aren't paying any attention to your needs. Then, you need to think twice about the relationship, for these are all signs of a partner who doesn’t care about you. When the person doesn’t show care and attention, then you’re a placeholder in the relationship.

Your partner doesn’t respect or trust you.

If your partner isn't treating you with respect, if they don’t trust you and they are not honest with you, then you're a placeholder. Respect is an important component of a committed relationship, then trust and honesty are part of love. 

A partner who loves you and wants a genuine relationship with you will respect you as a person, respect your views, your needs, and your boundaries. Respect in a relationship is important because it shows you are valued. 

The person will also trust you and be honest with you about their needs, their feelings and expectations from you and the relationship. 

When you see these flags, pay attention to them. You are not meant to be a placeholder. You are to be loved, cherished, respected, and valued in your relationship. So, it is crucial to know where you stand with your partner in your relationship. 

People who use others as placeholders are selfish and have a self-serving attitude about their partner in the relationship. They’re aware you have feelings for them and they take advantage of that to get what they want from you. Like my friend who was dating a man, she didn’t want to commit because he was ugly.

Right and wrong motives for a relationship

 At the heart of every human being is the need for companionship, partnership, care, attention, affection, and love. No one really wants to be alone. Ideally, the essence of a relationship is finding that special someone to share your needs, desires and the burdens of everyday life. 

Relationships are a NEED meeting mechanism. That’s for real. We all have needs to satisfy and meet which alone we can not satisfy or meet. The only way to get them fulfilled is through interaction with others when we relate with them.

Relationships provide avenues for solving different human needs. There are as many kinds of relationships as there are different human needs to meet. 

When circumstances connect two people, there is always a motive behind the union, defined or undefined. Each is bringing into the relationship a Need, they hope to be fulfilled. It is only when people openly and clearly put out their needs and there is an understanding of what each partner needs that the relationship moves on without many games or tricks. 

However, games and tricks arise when people hide their motives or rather their needs behind a facade of affection and love. When the purpose of a thing is not well defined or known, resentment and abuse are inevitable. When the needs or desires of partners in a relationship are not well defined, it would be steeped in games, tricks and emotional exploitation. 

In every relationship, the motive behind the show of affection determines the direction the relationship would go, and this propels every action and decision people make or take in the relationship. People come together to form intimacy for different motives, which might be for love, fun, pleasure, companionship, social benefits, comfort, as a placeholder, “take hold body”, situationship and so many other reasons.

But relationships for pleasure, for the benefit, for comfort, or based on the emotions of true love and affection are the four basic ones. Others are anchored on these.

Whatever be the motive for the relationship, love is always a word used to cover a variety of feelings, needs and emotions, but believe me, love in its truest sense is far from the core of most relationships. 

Relationships based on pleasure. 

Passion and sexual gratification spur this type of relationship. One partner is only interested in the sexual thrills, fun, and the idea of being in a relationship. No real deep emotional attachment and the personal attributes of the other person are of very little importance. Such relationships have no deep roots. Any slight wind of discord disintegrates them. Some are usually short-lived.

Sometimes, one partner regards the other as a placeholder unknown to them. What the other desires is someone around for sexual satisfaction. They call when they require your service and compensate you with cash gains and gifts.

For sure, this type of affair is manipulative and demanding. Here, people give to get something in return even if they don’t admit it. 

When a young girl becomes a side chic to a married man, often, love isn’t the main course, probably a side dish to sweeten the affair. The woman needs social benefits, or comfort financially. And the man wants pleasure and sexual satisfaction out of the bargain. When both of them maintain their lane and play their roles adequately, the relationship lingers for a time.

Relationships based on benefit 

These types of relationships depend on the usefulness of one partner to the other and what they stand to gain from each other. This type of relationship is based on personality and possession.

The inner personal constitution of the other person is of little or no importance. The outer personality is more important and valuable.

This is because the primary concern is the benefits to be derived from the liaison based on the person’s outward clout. 

Materialism and social benefits are the bedrock on which this type of relationship is built. What runs through the mind of people in such a relationship is what personal satisfaction, business ties, social benefits, connection, or financial increase they stand to gain?

The guy has money and social clout and you went into the relationship for the tapping that comes from dating him.

The lady is beautiful, from a very influential and affluent family, and dating her adds some financial and social values to your status.

Fine girl, he uses you for ego-stroking. when he sees a girl more beautiful or more valuable to him, he dumps you. The guy is loaded, a cash cow or the goose that lays golden eggs for her. When she meets another guy with more money than you, she follows the money. Some people go after higher winds and status elevation.

A guy once told me he would not marry a girl he would struggle with or be responsible for her family's needs. He wanted a girl who has made it or from a wealthy family. To him, love is overrated, wealth and comfort first before love. For years, he searched and found his ideal wife. When he thought his wife’s family would take care of his needs, he discovered that once married; he had to fend for himself and his wife. All the promises made to him never came through. With time, resentment set in because the union did not meet his expectations and needs. The marriage collapsed after a few years.

A relationship based on benefit or pleasure has money, sex and connection as key factors for the union. Many people confess love to have access to sex, while some confess love for money and other trappings of wealth. The word, “I love You”, has no weight and value in such relationships.

The fact the word “love” is thrown around doesn’t make it a genuine love relationship. Love is not the binding cord, nor is it the motive for the relationship. Feelings based on personal pleasures and gains of the moment and never true love and affection regulate these relationships. 

They are transitory and have no depth and no future because when the motives for forming them are no longer realised; they crumble. When one’s desire is fulfilled and the other is unfulfilled, then there is no fair play. The one with unfulfilled desires would feel cheated and would want out of the relationship.

Relationships based on comfort

Here, what brought the partners together are the little niceties of life that bring material comfort at the moment.

Women are attracted to men who have what it takes to make them comfortable. Most women love to live in luxury and have all expenses paid by a wealthy partner.

And so are some men these days. They are after women that are capable of providing them with material comfort. Like a young man of twenty-five years telling me to connect him with a woman of my age grade who has money, so she would take care of him financially.

In relationships, people settle for many average things because they’re conveniently comfortable at the moment, forgetting that the wind of change might blow such conveniences off the shelves tomorrow. When the need for comfort is no longer foreseeable, which is the bedrock of the relationship, what then happens?

Comfort is not just about material things alone. It can be an emotional release from stress and stressors. Emotional comfort is one reason most men keep side chicks according to a man. He said he has a troublesome wife at home, so he has a girlfriend by the side who makes him happy. The emotional comfort he drives from staying with her helps keep his sanity intact. In return, he keeps her financially comfortable.

In this type of arrangement, things could only go topsy-turvy when each party’s different expectations for the relationship are not met.

Relationships based on the emotion of love.

 Here, love and affection pour forth from one to the other, irrespective of personality or possession. When two people love each other greatly that it does not matter who the other is or what he/she possesses, then they are in a state of love.

A psychoanalyst, Harry stack Sullivan defines the state of love as: “When the satisfaction or the security of another person becomes as significant to one as one’s own satisfaction or security, then the state of love exists.”

A relationship based on the state of love, similarities of emotion and affection for each other are the best and most lasting motive for a relationship. When some couldn’t get this level of connection, they settle for what is available. This is because believing in the illusion of love is better than not being loved at all. 

In a true love-based relationship, to love is more important than being loved. If the other person truly loves you as well, they will reflect the same feelings towards you. It becomes a union of love, where love is given for love. However, any time each party feels he/she is not getting enough of that love, the relationship is in jeopardy of disintegration, too.

When the need is love and affection and is being given in an equal exchange, where both are givers and receivers, the relationship flourishes and both partners are happy.

Intimate relationships based on love have no bounds, no restrictions and are not limited by conditions. In a true love-based relationship, everything should be given and done unconditionally, without the expectation of reward or manipulation of feelings. Genuine love asks for nothing but the reciprocation of love. 

Your partner gives you love and attention; does things for you without asking for anything in exchange. The person gives from the abundance of love in his/her heart. The person doesn’t want to use you to secure some of their desires. By giving and doing, the person is also meeting his/her needs. It is an overflowing sharing of their heart with their partners.

Loving another person is a selfless act. When you love someone, you put them first and work towards understanding their wants and needs and how to help the person get them. Very imperative if you want the relationship to work with less stress.

Honestly ask yourself what is the motive behind the relationship you are into presently? The answer you get is the binding cord of your relationship.

Foundations for a healthy marriage.

Every weekend and some weekdays people celebrate marriages. Every day, marriages are collapsing around us. As more people are rushing in, more people are rushing out. Marriage is going extinct, so some say and one wonders, is it the dead or dread of marriage that brings about the disintegration of the institution of marriage?

Marriage is instituted for a happily-ever-after, that is the concept, that is what every couple has in mind as they take the vows. However, the dreamy eye brides soon discover that the bed of roses they envisioned has thorns in it and the prickle soon shocks them to wakefulness. What they see and the experience becomes different from their expectation and perception. All because people go into marriage with the wrong impression.

Some people enter the “marriageship”, for unhealthy reasons. This is where the problem lies because before they finish saying I do, the marriage is already heading toward an iceberg that will shatter and sink it. It’s just a matter of time.

Before you propose or say yes, first ask yourself some relevant questions like:  

Am I ready for marriage?

Is he/she who I want to spend the rest of my life with? 

What are my beliefs about love? 

Not many people marry for happily-ever-after or marry for true love. Marriage is meant to be a lifelong partnership.

There are those who enjoy their partners- and by extension their marriage and those who endure their partners and by extension their marriage,

Whether you enjoy or endure your partner depends on the foundation on which your marriage was planted. As the saying goes. “What you sow is what you will reap.”

Did you accept the marriage proposal for the right reason or for the wrong reason?

Accepting a proposal for the wrong reasons included:

Pressure from friends and family.

Don’t ever be with someone because you’re pressured to accept the person. The only reason you should ever consider marrying the person is simply that you love being with the person. 

Often friends and family pressure you to get married because you have reached the age of getting married. Everyone is on your neck, to please them and ease the pressure you succumb to it and marry the first person that comes your way or the one recommended for you.

To live happily-ever-after, marry because you have found the right person to settle down with. Someone you feel you can share your life and personal space with.

Single and desperate.

Because you’re single and feel the time is no longer on your side, and you see yourself as a soon-to-be expired commodity, you settle for the first person that comes along. All you want is to be married, to who is of no great consequence to you. 

But the consequences of your hasty action will come eventually and make you regret the marriage. In the end, you feel your partner is not good enough, which leads to resentment and insecurity.

 As the saying goes, marry in haste and regret at leisure.

 Marrying for image or family name. 

The marriage will look good on paper, will bring business dividends, will unite the family, and the roll call of the attendees is the cream of the society. It’s everything considered good, but not because the two people involved actually love and admire each other.

Remember, it’s all in the photo, pictures that will become memorabilia, guests that will go home to their lives. 

You end up with the butt of a family scheme as a partner. This isn’t a script for a happily-ever-after but a one-way ticket to a toxic relationship in marriage. You will wake up every day to ask yourself how you ended up in such a marriage. 

Being naïve and hopelessly in love.

A marriage based on love, at first sight, has a greater risk of ending in disappointment than a marriage built on mutual respect and understanding. 

Some believe that once you’re in love it solves everything. That’s not true at all.

Being in love is a process that takes time and patience to build sensual and emotional connections. Most people never reach this deep connection in love. They get addicted to the ups and downs of romantic love, where feelings rule their life. And when the feelings run out, so do they.

Feelings end on your wedding day, the morning after, you will understand the difference between a wedding and a marriage because you’re about to get into the nitty-gritty of what marriage is all about. 

And those who get into it for the feelings alone get disappointed. The feelings generally last for a few years at most, and then you’re down from the dizzying high of romantic love. 

Once you’re married, and with time, romance goes out of love, you’re left with a human being with faults and imperfections whom you have to genuinely love and respect to enjoy living with. Otherwise, things are going to get rough.

Someone to complete you.

 

Some people get into marriage as a way to compensate for something lacking in their life. Some feel without marriage they’re incomplete. You marry and expect the person to fulfil your expectation of love and happiness. Love and happiness come from you; nobody gives you that.

Invariably, you will love your partner only as long as they help you feel better about yourself. You will give to them only as long as they give you what you want. You will make them happy only as long as they make you feel happy. This is a recipe for a bad marriage and a breeding ground for domestic abuse.

Do you want a vibrant, healthy, and happy marriage?

A healthy and happy marriage requires two healthy and happy individuals. The keyword here is “individuals.” That means two people with their own identities, their own interests and perspectives, and things they do by themselves, and on their own time and mutually acceptable to them.

“Happily Ever After” is not a piece of cake, all icing and sweetness. No! It’s work and a walk in endurance, patience, compromise, and intentionality.  You have to constantly remind yourself every day you wake up to love your partner – the good, the bad and the ugly part of them. And then, to love your life, for both go together. Remaining steadfast in your marriage is an intentional decision you make every day.

Some days, you feel like the world is at your feet. And some days it’s a struggle to keep to that vow, on such bad days, remind yourself why you love your spouse and why you’re in the marriage.

A love that’s alive and healthy is constantly evolving. It expands and contracts mellows and deepen. Just as life never remains static, so is your love for each other. It’s not going to remain the way it used to be in the beginning. 

The key to happiness in marriage is when you marry a partner whose values align with yours, whom you respect, love and accept, and vice versa. Another is sustaining a genuine connection by working through the everyday struggles and challenges to make your marriage work. 

Everything that makes a marriage “work” not just on the surface but a real deep connection between partners requires a genuine, deep and mutual affection for each other. Without that mutual affection, everything will be a walk in endurance.

Another writer puts it that, “relationships exist as waves–people need to learn how to ride them.”  

According to Jon Kabat-Zinn, “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf them.” 

There are constant waves of emotion going on in a marriage. Some waves last for hours or days, and some last for months or even years. Understand that the key to successfully surfing these waves lies the foundation of a healthy marriage. 

The only thing constant in life is change. People lose jobs, lose family members to death, couples relocate, switch careers, some make money, and some lose money. All these have both emotional and physical effects on people and how they handle them affects the dynamism of their marriage and their relationship with their spouses.

You can work and walk through any issue in your marriage, be it emotionally, physically, financially, or spiritually, as long as there is understanding and healthy communication between you and your partner. You can surf the waves together and come out stronger.

Marriages are imperfect relationships, sometimes messy and complicated. Simple because they are made up of imperfect, messy, and complicated humans. People want different things at different times in different ways, at times in ways you can’t even comprehend. Always remember you’re sharing a life with someone else, so you need to plan on how to accommodate each other’s needs and wants. 

When you have a finger on the pulse of each other’s needs, you will probably grow together in the marriage rather than grow apart.