Whenever two people are in a relationship there will be conflicts, no two people think alike. No matter how much you have in common, no matter your similarity, from time to time you will encounter differences that will lead to an argument.
Quarrelling with your partner is inevitable, when you have two different individuals sharing a life together, they will bring their different values and perspectives into the relationship. This makes them have different viewpoints on some things and clash over them.
The necessity or inevitability of having conflicts in your relationship is not in doubt. However, the way you handle conflicts in your relationship will hinge or unhinge your emotional as well as physical connectedness with your partner. So be conscious and choose to battle conflicts wisely.
Choosing how to battle your conflict wisely means being selective of the problems, arguments, and confrontations that you get involved in with your partner.
Don’t quarrel over every insignificant issue, save your time for the things that matter; things that are of the most important to the well-being of your relationship in the long run.
A pastor said he had a couple’s night with couples in his church that had been married for over twenty years. During a discussion on conflicts in marriage, most of them confessed that what they fought over at the beginning of their marriages now appeared stupid and inconsequential.
Not everything is worth fretting over. Some things simply don’t matter in the long run.
We should instead focus on the big important things. Every conflict takes up time. Every problem you engage yourself in, takes up time, energy and emotional toll on you and your partner.
Useless arguments, jealousy, ego, unforgiving, discontentment, a fight for dominance, pride. These are negative attitudes, and starting fights over them is a ridiculous waste of time and energy.
How to battle your conflicts wisely.
1. Don’t argue over the little things.
Instead of making every little molehill a mountain, agree not to make something a battle unless it’s truly important. It is not every disagreement that should turn into a fight.
There are things that matter, and there are some that are not worth getting angry about. If you argue over every little thing, you will find yourself arguing endlessly; it takes a toll on your relationship over time. Save your energy for the real things that matter.
This doesn’t mean you bow to your partner’s demands when it’s something you feel strongly about. However, take time, question the level of importance of the matter at hand and how an argument over it will affect your relationship. This will help you determine whether a fight over it is worth your time.
2. Practice understanding.
If there is a disagreement between you and your partner, don’t always fly off the handle, try to remember that the other person came into the relationship with a different background and set of experiences.
Because of this, both of you will not reason alike, and you should not force your partner to accept your viewpoint readily.
You may not like their opinion and actions, but you should at least, try to understand them.
This ability to understand develops emotional intimacy between the two of you.
To clearly understand your partner and the situations they are in shows empathy on your side. Empathy makes the argument more
constructive than destructive. Empathy means having a basic understanding of what your partner is thinking and feeling.
3. Patience pays.
It pays to be cautious and patient when issues arise, if possible before the issue escalates into major friction, take deep breaths and let go and probably revisit the issue when tensions are down. Certain issues are best dealt with, with a rational mind and understanding.
But when you are in the heat of a conflict, it may not be easy to back down, walk away if you can and allow your partner to calm down.
4. Don’t assume anything.
You should keep in mind that you and your partner came into the relationship with different expectations. Don’t automatically assume you know what your partner wants or what’s best for them. Don’t second guess your partners’ reactions to certain issues. Always ask and clarify with one another.
Clarify what the person meant by their action instead of what you perceived their action to mean. Most of the time, your partner is not intentionally trying to hurt you, and getting hurt happened to be a by-product of the action.
5. No lock is without a key.
Every problem comes with a solution. If we keep shying away from an issue without tackling it, you may fail to see the solution within it.
Without resorting to fighting, you both can get back on track and have a peaceful resolution of whatever problem is ailing your relationship.
There is no lock in this world that comes without a key. To find the key to your problem, talk frequently and openly about everything, even if it hurts.
Don’t let inconsequential issues deprive you of the feeling of connectedness you want to share with your partner. Maturely solve all your problems and enjoy your relationship.
6. Everyone has defects by design.
Focus on the problem or the cause of the argument, don’t add more logs to the simmering fire by saying words that will ridicule your partner’s weakness or character defects.
Your partner is not the cause of your anger. Emotions such as anger are reactions to actions or words by your partner. When you’re angry with what your partner said or did, don’t vent your anger by attacking their personality. Such attacks are more damaging and have a long-lasting effect.
7. There should be no scoreboard.
When there is an issue your aim should be on how to solve the problem and not on how to turn it into a battle to score points.
Don’t stretch the issue because you want to prove you are right. It is better to be happy than to be right.
Remember, in a relationship, there’s no such thing as winning an argument. There should be no scoreboard. When you end up being right about an issue, don’t wave it like a sword over your partner’s head. Don’t gloat and rub it in, it’s like rubbing salt into an injury, the burst of pain from a hurt ego might leave a long-lasting scar on your relationship.
8 Learn to communicate your feelings.
Shared feelings resolve misunderstandings and give you an inkling of understanding your partner’s words or actions. If they tell you the intended meaning of their action was not as you perceived it, believe them.
Share your side of the argument mutually and pay attention to what your partner is saying. Let your discussion over issues end in a mutually satisfactory way and not in a brawl. If you’re not satisfied with the outcome of your talk, then choose to revisit it later when tensions are not high.
9. Don’t add new wine to an old wineskin.
When an argument is over, consider it over. When you argue, it doesn’t matter who was right and who was wrong, or who was mean and who was nice, once the argument is over, leave it there, and do not bring it up every time a new issue comes up.
The Bible says, don’t add new wine into an old wineskin, or it will burst. And so, rehashing old issues, old hurts or past anger will add resentment and frustration to your relationship.
10. Don’t fight dirty.
One of the most common ways fights can be awful is by throwing out insults and saying things you don't mean in the heat of the moment. Choose your words carefully, and be mindful of your partner’s feelings.
Don’t use words that wound feelings and escalate friction, and don’t insult your partner or his/her family. Don’t throw their past in their face, don’t use sarcastic words or make harsh, critical comments, no pointing of fingers or engaging in blame wars. When emotions are high, you may say rash things you don't mean, but that doesn't mean your partner won't take it to heart.
When conflict is healthy and productive in a relationship, it gives a couple an opportunity to learn about each other and how their partner sees and experiences the world. It can also generate creative solutions to problems and help the couple bond.
