Real Love Versus Romantic Love

 It is difficult to define love because people’s perception of love differs. Often people mistake lust, attraction, and companionship for real love. But these are in the domain of romantic love. And also, that every feeling or emotion is labelled love makes it difficult to differentiate between the two.

I wrote a book on relationship titled, Concepts of Love, before I started writing, I went out to sample opinions on what love is. I discovered the definition of love is as varied as the number of individuals I asked. People defined love based on their feelings, beliefs, experiences and even intellectual perspectives.

One definition of love I gave in the book is: Love is an emotive expression of our humanity, our inner self, and our heart desires. To love and be loved is unavoidably a human phenomenon. We all need love, we want to love. The feeling to love, to give love has been there since creation.

Before my mother’s generation, people didn’t marry because of their feelings for one another. Feelings didn’t matter in the olden days. Families arranged marriages, it was an economic or political arrangement designed to promote the survival and prosperity of clans and families. 

It was a duty, not something you engage in for personal fulfilment or emotional pleasure. Sex was a biological function, engaged in for procreation. However, along the line, you’re expected to develop trust, understanding, and intimacy, with each other to make the marriage work.  

It wasn’t until the industrial age that things changed. When romance was added as a prerequisite for a relationship/marriage, it changes the dynamism of love and also our perception and reception of love. That is when the term Real love and Romantic love came into existence. 

In one of my earlier articles titled, Is love enough to sustain a relationship, I talked of real love and romantic love and some people asked me to differentiate between the two, hence this month’s topic.

Characteristics of Real love

Real love is a constant commitment to a person regardless of present circumstances. It’s a constant commitment to a person no matter their quirks, character traits, emotional baggage and flaws. A person who will rely on you, just as you will rely on them. 

A person who will not always please you or make you feel good. It’s dealing with another person’s insecurities and fears even when your own issues are just beside you.

Real love is not temporary, it is deep, abiding, a love impervious to emotional whims or caprices. It is a fusion of two hearts to share a life of togetherness.

Real love is beyond conditions, cons and pros. It’s all-encompassing.

Real love is making your partner’s happiness your priority. It is not about finding your happiness in them, rather, it’s sharing your happiness with them. 

Real love is an exotic flower that requires hard work to keep it from withering and dying off. It requires work to keep it in bloom and fresh. 

Work hard every day, to shape yourself, appear attractive, and become a better you.

Work hard to improve your feelings, and be affectionate, this will draw you closer to your partner. 

Work hard to become wiser, for sound judgement and stronger to bear the unbearable sacrifices that come with truly loving a person. 

Real love is learning to adjust yourself and be in sync with your partner. She or he does the same. Real love will not require obligatory sacrifices, cajoled or forced changes. All the changes should be out of affection and real love for your partner.

Real love incorporates other similar feelings such as sincerity, trust, understanding, intimacy, the desire to help each other, mutual feelings, and mutual sympathy. It is the ability and willingness to go into a relationship with someone with no fear of being rejected, ridiculed, or judged.

Love is natural and involuntary because it is a feeling that one cannot stop. Real love is when you don’t know the reason you love a person, there is no reason for loving someone. Real love is unconditional. Real love is beyond jealousy, hatred and insecurities.

Real love is without expectation, it is not tied to time, seasons or moments. It is something that grows over time, not a fleeting feeling to be thrown around, handed out or tossed aside when it no longer suits.

When you truly love someone, you expect nothing from him/her besides loving you back. 

Real love is a bond with another that goes deeper than affection, attraction, lust, or friendship. It's a mutual expression of respect, trust, honesty, integrity, intimacy, connection, and togetherness. Real love is not a gesture, but something best experienced through commitment, devotion, loyalty, and faith,

Real love is a connection between two souls; it connects the souls to a deeper level. Real love is in your subconscious, in your soul. Real love can not be restricted, it flows from the inside between two souls, not between two bodies.

Real love is getting used to someone knowing their shortcomings, their knacks, idiosyncrasies and flaws and still wanting to be there for them, caring for their wellbeing, their success, grieving with them when they're sad, celebrating with them when they're happy. Real love is respecting your partner after knowing their not-so-glamorous past life.

Real love is consistent, grounded, unwavering and has more to do with a deep sense of conviction than mere feelings. Real love won’t waver or wither because your partner made a mistake or commit what you considered a social faux pas. It forgives wrongs and mistakes. It’s generous and has genuine intentions. 

Real love is a complete acceptance of a person including flaws and loving them for what they are. You love the person as they are without changing them. You love the person for what they are and not for any single quality.

Real love does not need a reason(s) to end a relationship. Whenever hurdles or problems arise it finds reason(s) to continue and make it last forever. That’s real love. It is not an emotion or feeling; it is an act of will. Real love is beyond material and physical boundaries. It doesn’t need any external force to make it work. 

Real love is like pure water, (not our sachet water) it is not sensational, it is not sentimental; it is not intoxicating; you don’t get high from drinking pure water. Real love is simple, pure, transparent, and life-giving like pure water. 

Love is not always simple or exciting, but it's beautiful, satisfying and meaningful. It brings true happiness, not just a series of highs as in romantic love.

Characteristics of Romantic Love

Romantic love is when romance is added to love. What is romance? According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary.

Romance: to try to influence or curry favour especially by lavishing personal attention, gift, or flattery.

Romanticise: to glamorise, glorify, idealise

• Having no basis in fact: Imaginary.

• Impractical in conception or plan: Visionary.

• Marked by the imaginative or emotional appeal of what is heroic. Adventurous, remote, mysterious, or idealised.

It shows that we use the word romantic for something that is unrealistic. That’s why romantic love is most times unpractical and unrealistic. People are not so realistic when they’re in the throes of romantic love, they idealise love and their partner. An apotheosis no one can live up to. When the glittery, the appeal and the vision wear off and the reality check sets in, the relationship goes up in smoke.

Romantic love is an instant attraction that craves physical affection. It is a fall for the body, not the soul, as in real love. Attraction is about admiring the person, being struck by someone's physical appearance, some feature or superficial quality. Loving the person for his/her beauty and how he/she makes you feel. Once that romanticised quality or feeling is gone, the love goes too. 

In the beginning, romantic love is intense and makes one act irrationally, or ‘crazy.’ like someone high on drugs or alcohol. It is always associated with thrill, pleasure, excitement, and exhilaration. But these intoxicating feelings are ephemeral. Romantic love is a deciduous relationship.

Romantic love has a hidden desire and is possessive. With time, such feelings as jealousy, impatience, misunderstanding, lust, discord and strife take over the affair. This is because romantic love is all about physical qualities and desires that fade with time. 

Romantic love holds grudges, simple mistakes or misunderstandings can break the relationship. Negative things are easily seen and pointed out. In romantic love, a person’s flaws will make you rethink your decision about the relationship.

Romantic love comes with huge baggage of expectations, the reason it requires an outward expression and gestures like an exchange of gifts, flowers, or dinner at intimate places. That’s why Valentine’s Day is important to romantic lovers. 

In romantic love, “I love you” is a common phrase with no deep meaning. Romantic love is like a fairy tale, we all crave the ‘happily-ever-after fantasy.

Once the excitement and exhilaration wear off, and we’re back to reality, we want out.

These are clear discrepancies between real love and romantic love, some people mistake one for the other. Many people prefer romantic love to the reality of real love; it’s more glamorous to appear connected to someone than to actually feel connected to them.

Adeola Adejokun(Banker & Author)

 

Adeola Adejokun, a banker and an author, is a young man full of vigour and ideas, a bundle of talents, a great sense of humour which reflects in his writings. Artistic, with a good and insightful imagination that makes his books rich in creativity and humour. He has this unique way of writing where he treats issues in a Tête-à-tête style. Do you want to enjoy his articles, then click on the page, Tête-à-tête?

 

 

1. Tell us a little about yourself?

 My name is Adeola, I was born into a small Catholic family in the heart of Ibadan. I attended Saint Williams Catholic Primary School, Eyinni High School, Offa Polytechnic and The Polytechnic Ibadan where I got HND in Electrical Engineering. I am happily married with children.

 2. When did you write and when did you finish your first book?

I wrote my first book in 1989 and my first self-published book titled VISION in 1999. It was an e-book published by Fairgo Books, Australia.

3. How did you choose the genre you write in?

 I just think about stories and write; it is difficult to classify the genre few of my books fall under. Most of my books revolve around romance.

4. Where do you get your ideas?

From discussions. I am an excellent conversationalist, so; it is always easy for me to get ideas from people consciously and unconsciously. These days I am in many Whatsapp groups, I am active in a few and dormant in many I always take time after work to read messages on all Whatsapp group. They are usually very enlightening.

5. Do you experience writer’s block?

Yes. It is natural, it is part of life.

6. Is there any author or book that influenced you either growing up or as an adult?

 Yes, Philosophical Essays by Prof. Tam David West really shaped my view about life. I read the book several times with ‘Question Young People Ask’, a Jehovah Witness publication.

 7. Tell us about your challenges in getting your first book published?

 I had a serious challenge with getting a good editor and when I eventually got one; it was very expensive, but she made it easier just to encourage me to write more and recommended the book DIRTY HOUSE to her students. After crossing that hurdle, the printer that published the book did not do a good job, the layout was terrible and almost over 400 copies were wasted. I paid for new plates and we started printing again because I don’t want to disappoint the school and lecturer that recommended the book to the students.

There was a time a lecturer needed about 300 copies of UNBORN CHILDREN, He recommended it to the students and this put me in a tight corner. I was happy to have 300 students but the remaining 700 copies will be a waste or kept in the house. I brainstormed for days and eventually discovered an alternative way of printing my books without going through conventional printers.  

8. How do you market your work? What avenues have you found to work best for your genre?

 By convincing lecturers first, confirm the number of students and publish.

 9. Tell us about your upcoming book?

 My upcoming book is a work I abandoned for over four years now. The title is Sango; it is about the life of Sangowanwa, an adherent of Sango who left Oyo for Europe after praying to Eledumare to give a sense of mission and impact in life.

 10. Is anything in your books based on real-life experiences or purely all imagination?

 They are all fictions, though shaped by reading and experiences in life.

11. What do you consider your best accomplishment as a writer?

 From my experiences, once you are a writer, especially when people can feel hard copies of your work in their hands. It is easy for people to conclude you are a responsible person. When I noticed this, I meticulously blend my banking career with writing, and it has helped me in a lot of ways. I have won no award as a writer and author I have met many influential people because I am a writer.

12. How did you come up with your titles?

From the contents. The titles can change, especially when the story changed direction during writing.

 13. You have a day job as well? How do you combine working and writing?

I am a Customer Experience Management Personnel in the bank. I attend to customers from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. and use two hours to round up. That is 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. besides ATM duties on the weekend. With my work, it is difficult to write but when there is a will, there will always be a way. In 2020, I wrote ten books, under what I called: HIGH SCHOOL STORIES SERIES. Each book is between 50 and 60 pages. With the determination to wake up between 1 a.m. and 3 a.m. at least four times a week, I could achieve this. It is all about determination.

 

14. How many books have you written? Any favourite and why?

Nineteen books. Stupid Affairs. Because it is a product of real-life experience, a huge crush on an older sister and my imagination on what could happen in the relationship.

 

 15. What are the challenges of being a writer in Nigeria?

 No publishers to publish books and people are not reading because attention has shifted to films and social media effects. Because of this, writers are gradually changing from novels to scriptwriting. The patience to read is no more there among the youth.

16. What measures are you taking to promote your books and are they yielding fruits?

I don’t have any measure for now. I will look into that this year

17. Do you hear from your readers much? What kinds of things do they say about your writing?

When I first published DIRTY HOUSE, I had a BBM group where I interacted with students; they asked questions and expressed their views. I also formed a WhatsApp group in other to interact with students. Apart from that, other readers were people around me.

 

Responses to DIRTY HOUSE and UNBORN CHILDREN were fantastic, both of them are unusual concepts, especially UNBORN CHILDREN. A student was scared, she said she was seeing unborn children in her dreams; she went to the HOD and she (HOD) took time to educate her. She told her it was just the writer’s imagination, there was nothing like that.

 18. Where is the best way to reach you and learn more about your books?

 The best way to reach me is via adejokson@gmail.com

 My books are on lulu books, Amazon and Okada Books.

                   https://adejokson.wixsite.com/adeola

                   www.amazon.com/author/adeola