LOVE IS NOT SO IMPORTANT:

... YOU DON'T NEED TO LOVE A PERSON TO MARRY HIM OR HER!

Image from pexels.com

How would you know the right person for marriage?

Simple.

The person who values you the most is the right person for marriage.
The person who respects you more; accepts you for who you are, irrespective of your age, tribe, location or religion, or even disability, is the right person for you.

That one that does all he can to make you happy, even though he isn't perfect, is the right man for you.
That one that goes out of her way to put you first, even when you don't already treat her right, is the right woman for you.
That person who feels like home, that makes you feel at peace, is the one you should marry.

It can be hard sometimes. I know.
If it were so easy, you probably won't need to buy and read this book.
If it was very easy, I won't be a Relationship and Marriage Counselor.
There is a common dilemma that envelopes us and threatens to suffocate us.

THE ONES WE LOVE USUALLY DON'T LOVE US THAT MUCH.
AND THE ONES WE DON'T LOVE ARE THE ONES THAT PURSUE US ALL DAY LONG.

Life can be so funny!

This dilemma paralyses us. It makes it difficult to choose or even know whom to choose for marriage.
We pursue love. We want love. We want to give love and we become obsessed with finding people that will love us in return.
Within the context of preparing for marriage, love is good, but it is not so important, especially at the beginning.
In fact, love can cause you to make a bad or wrong decision for marriage.

Love characteristically makes us believe the best in people, stick with them for long as we expect them to change, even when they don't treat us well.

Love makes us see rainbows in everything.
This is good, but it can also be terrible.
In trying to choose whom to marry, love should sometimes be the last thing to consider.

If it is to be considered at all, it should come last.
Check thoroughly if the person on your marriage radar is good for you emotionally and mentally.
It has to be more than their good looks and bank statement!
Do they treat you well?
Do they create time for you, even when they get very busy?
Do they still give something to you, even from the little they have sometimes?

Maybe you don't love this person, but at least, he or she loves you.
This should be enough at the start.
You can marry someone that loves you even if you don't love them yet.

As long as they value and respect you and want to be with you, your love for them will come later.
It always does, as long as your heart stays open to them.
Love is wonderful. It is important, but it is not everything.

I wrote more about this in one of my Hot Best-Selling Books titled BLESSED BUT BLIND.
Get this book. You'll thank me later.

The secret to knowing the right person for marriage is in looking out for what will not kill you tomorrow or cause you stress and unhappiness later in a marriage.

The marriage game for a single man differs from what it is for a single woman.

A man is everything that a woman is not.
What a man needs, differs from what would sustain a woman.
Men and women, historically and emotionally, rarely want the same things.

To be fair, it is really hard to know what women want.
I feel that a lot of times, women are very unstable creatures.
What they pursued yesterday with vigour suddenly doesn't seem to interest them anymore today.

What they want now will become entirely different from what they will want tomorrow.

I usually have a hard time understanding them!
In fact, most women don't even understand themselves.
Men don't usually behave that way. Men are quite basic.
Give a man constant sex, a steady supply of good food and make him feel like a don and he will stay sweet on you forever.
I believe you can get and keep any man with these three things:

1. Sex.
2. Food.
3. Respect (The strategic massaging of his ego).

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Apart from these three important things, the rest is not so important for men.
Men are so simple. They understand themselves well.
A woman that will get and keep the right man needs to understand this too.

A lot of women don't know this secret.
Men all over the world have always known this secret.
It is a surprise that it has remained a secret for a very long time.
Whenever a single woman is finding it hard to get or keep a man, she is probably failing in one or more of those three secrets I shared with you.

To get a man, a woman needs to understand a man and what he wants.
Like I wrote earlier, men are simple beings.

Check very well. I didn't add love to the list.
I wouldn't dare try that if I made a list of what women want.
As unpredictable as women can be, every woman (pardon the generalisation) would always add love to what she wants from a man.
Men need love, but most men are not so hung up on love as women.
This means that a man can easily marry a woman that gives him those three things I mentioned earlier, even if he doesn't love her.
For example, when I married my wife years ago, I didn't do so for love.

I married her because she fucked me well, cooked like a chef, and treated me respectfully like a king.
The loving kind of "grew up on me," so to say.

And the truth is, you can grow to love anyone if you open your heart to them, even if you didn't love them at the beginning.
So, dear single man, even if you don't love her or feel anything special for her now, as long as she is good in those three areas I listed, MARRY HER!
The love will grow on you later if you open up your heart to her.




~BRIGHT U. NKWOCHA
(Relationship & Marriage Counselor)
08164137531

Bright Nkwocha, a Relationship/Marriage Counsellor and an Author

Author's hangout with Zizi

Months back, Bright Nkwocha was just a Facebook friend, of whom I love reading his posts. As a relationship coach too, I love reading the writings of others in the same field as me.

However, our relationship changed when I stumbled on the price slash of his books, which he did to mark his wedding anniversary. I bought the books, first to read more about his works and secondary to show solidarity towards his wedding anniversary celebration.

When I called him for the books; that was the first time we spoke with each other; his enthusiasm and response was heartwarming. I paid for the e-books and received them. 

His titles and covers were captivating, though some of his ideas were radical. But I love the simplicity of his writing style and the fact he used his life and marriage experiences as a rich source to educate single and married people on relationship matters. 

Who is Bright Nkwocha?

Bright U. Nkwocha is a happy man. He is a father, son and husband. He wants to enjoy more of what life has to offer.

What inspired you to become a relationship counsellor?

Problems inspired me to be a Relationship and Marriage Counsellor. I never planned to be one. I always say that it found me. I was more interested in teaching personal and organisational leadership, but people kept asking more questions related to relationships and marriage. I had to rise up to the challenge. It's been fun so far.

Which came first, the writing or the counselling?

The writing came first while the Counselling came very much later. I discovered my love for writing in secondary school.

What is your mission and vision as a marriage/relationship counsellor?

To help couples and singles in Africa solve tough relationship and marriage issues.

You have captivating titles. How did you come up with them?

I learned that from the great thought leader, Emeka Nobis. He advocates that in a field where there are over a million voices, you must find a way to be heard. Catchy titles fulfil that. I had to hone the craft over time.

 Where and how do you get inspiration for your literary works?

Life inspires me a lot. I draw greatly from my daily interactions with singles and couples in counselling sessions, too. I read a lot but the greatest source of inspiration for me is my life. I write about my life a lot.

What was one of the most surprising things you learned as a marriage/relationship counsellor?

I learned that most of what people say about relationships and marriage isn't true at all, especially in church. For example, you can do all the right things and still have a failed marriage.

What author or book influenced you either growing up or as an adult?

A lot ooo! It would be difficult to pick one or even three. John C. Maxwell, Steven Covey, Bishop T.D. Jakes and Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie would top the list with their books. I read them a lot. I still do.

What do you consider your best accomplishment as a writer and relationship/marriage counsellor?

 Making Counselling accessible to people online on the go.

How many books have you written? What are the challenges you faced in writing and publishing them?

I've written eleven books so far. The major challenge is having more ideas to write about than I have time for.

How do you market your work? What avenues have you found to work best for you?

I market them online via social media marketing. I discovered that those that participate in counselling almost always buy one or more of my books, so I market my counselling services more than I market the books themselves. In fact, I now write books only for counselling purposes.

How do you coordinate all the different parts of your life?

This is one area I still have not been able to handle well. Balance is never easy. I'm still learning. Creating art requires time and concentration and travelling. I'm just glad that I have a very understanding wife. They get to bear the full brunt of the burdens of my dreams.

 How do you promote your books and are they yielding fruits?

Social media marketing and, for now, it works. I'm working on better ways to get my books into the hands of more people.

What kind of feedback do you get from your readers and those you mentor?

As a rule, I don't mentor people. I have a different understanding of mentoring. Feedback from my work usually comes during or after counselling.

Give us an interesting, fun fact about the writing of any of your books.

 I wrote INFIDELITY after I cheated on my wife years ago.

 

What do you consider as the essential role of a relationship/ marriage counsellor?

 A Counsellor is essentially a guide. He or she will not make your decisions for you but will make your options known to you and guide you to what suits you best per time.

What is your view on religion and how much of that influenced your writing?

Well, I was a pastor for years. Ministry took me to seven countries, but in 2018, I closed down a church I was pastoring and left ministry work. I go to church once in a while. I do not consider myself a Christian Counsellor even though most of my clients are Christians. Religion is good, but it takes more from you than it gives to you. I write for Christians, but I don't imbibe most of its principles.

In one of your books, you stated that polygamy is not wrong. What informed your perception of this? 

History, especially the Bible, informed my decision about this.

What is your perception of pre-marital and extra-marital sex in relationships?

I believe and teach that sex is a healthy part of a relationship for mature singles and couples. Sex outside a committed relationship with a person, whether you're single or married, is wrong. I also know that this doesn't stop people, anyway. It's not so simple sometimes.

 What is the best advice for intending couples?

Adjust your expectations. Marriage is a crazy journey. One person cannot give you everything you need. A lot of problems in marriage cannot be solved. They can only be managed.

The rate of divorce in Nigeria is on the increase. What do you think could be the cause?

I personally don't think that the high rate of divorce is necessarily a bad thing. I know many people that got divorced and became happier. More people, especially women, are beginning to realize that they can walk away, that they can get better. Historically, in Africa, people were expected to stay and suffer through a terrible marriage. A lot is changing and I'm happy about this. It would get worse, then it would get better. The high divorce rate is the beginning effect of a huge cultural shift in Africa.

Domestic violence is rampant these days. How do you think people would avoid it?

Domestic violence doesn't just happen. It leaves a lot of clues at the start and usually for a while. If people took these clues more seriously, domestic violence would reduce drastically. Typically, people see the signs but use love as an excuse or tell themselves that they can fix the person. It almost always never ends well.

As a marriage/relationship counsellor, what would you consider the best advice to the youths on marriage and relationships?

 You won't survive it alone. Have a counsellor on speed dial!

What has been the best compliment you have ever received about your work?

 I have been told that I have keen insight into human nature. I understand people a lot without judging them.

What do you consider your best accomplishment as a writer/counsellor?

Staying married till now. I didn't know I'll last this long. My Marriage is the foundation of my writing and Counselling.

Where is the best way to reach you and learn more about your books?

 Facebook via @Bright U. Nkwocha
 And WhatsApp via 08164137531

What makes a Good Wife?

Yes, who is a good wife? And what qualities make a woman a good wife?

Before going into this, let me ask if a man is a good husband, will that make the woman be a good wife?

Some will argue it to the moon and back. Whatever be your opinion, there is a grain of truth there.

A wife responds to her husband the way he treats her. If you treat your wife as worthless, she becomes worthless to you. If you treat her as royalty, she becomes a jewel in your crown, a pleasure and a blessing to you. 

As far as human relationship is concerned, what you give is what you get in return.

According to the Bible, Luke 6:38 (NKJV)

“For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.”

Here are qualities that make a woman a good wife.

Be pleasant. 

As a wife, be warm, kind, pleasant, understanding, and friendly to your husband, his family, and friends. Never be rude to him or his family members.

Welcome your husband home with a smile.

A good wife honours her husband with her pleasant manners and tone. A happy smile on her face, and a neat and clean appearance, go a long way to make her husband appreciate her. 

Be respectful. 

As a wife expects respect from a husband, so does a husband expect respect from a wife? "Respect is reciprocal," is a common saying.

Respect can be reflected in the way she talks and behaves. A good wife talks to her husband respectfully and lovingly, no matter his conditions or status in life.

A good wife does not belittle, criticize, humiliate, or talk down to her husband in private or in public. Doing so will hurt his ego. The quickest way to build resentment in your husband is to criticize or belittle him, especially in front of others. If you don’t agree with him, respectfully let him know you don’t agree with him.

If you treat your husband with disrespect before others, people around you will never respect him. Also, never embarrass him in public, particularly in front of your family or his friends or yours, especially in front of the children.

Be able to communicate. 

Communication plays a very vital role in marriage. In fact, it is the key to a good and solid relationship. Not just communication, but open communication is an integral part of every marriage. It involves your ability to be open, articulate, and free to share your inner thoughts. 

Open communication in marriage means you tell your husband what you think, how you feel and what you expect of him. A good wife does not hide things or keep secrets from her husband. 

If you are the type who bottles up your emotions, especially after a disagreement, then your marriage is in trouble. Your husband is not a mind reader. He acts based on what you say out loud.

Listening is critical for effective communication and as important as talking too. A good wife listens and not only talks; probably, you have lots of important things to tell him, also allow him to talk as well, and you listen. 

Both of you want to be heard. Give him the chance to hear you, and for you to listen to him. Find time to sit and gist with your husband. Listen to him talk about his day, talk to you about his problems, or interest.

Listening is not enough, make a conscious effort to hear, understand and make meaningful contributions. Pay attention during a conversation with your husband. Put away your phone and turn off anything that could be distracting and him your full attention when he is speaking.

Open communication is also the ability to resolve conflict amicably. When issues arise, talk through them with calm words and a calm mind. Talk to your husband – ask, say, and discuss. Not shout at him. Avoid the silent treatment, it will worsen the situation. Don’t leave your husband guessing about your feelings. 

Be supportive. 

A  good wife is always supportive of her husband in good times and in troubled times. A good wife loves her husband not only when he is successful. She should reassure and understand when her husband is feeling down or going through hard times. This is the period to be more thoughtful, supportive and loving as a good wife.

As a good wife, you should be your husband’s number one cheerleader. No matter how difficult the journey or situation, do not discourage your husband from pursuing his dream. Believe in him, assure him and help him in any way you can.

Do not nag. 

No man likes a nagging wife. Ask him nicely, and talk to him respectfully. Some wives think nagging is the only way to get their husbands to do things. The truth is, that nagging can create unwanted tension in the house.

A woman said she wouldn’t get her husband to do things for her if she didn’t nag.

A good husband knows the right thing to do for his wife. 

Don't greet him with complaints and problems early in the morning or the moment he comes back home. Instead of pestering him, talk to him sensibly about issues or your needs.

Constant complaining and murmuring will only push your husband out of the house, and to avoid you, he spends time in bars or at times in the arms of another woman. 

Give him his space.

 As a good wife, it's important to understand your husband has a life outside you and the home. He has family, friends, and colleagues who are also part of his life. He may have hobbies and passions he is involved in. 

Also, a married man needs space at times, even from his wife. Respect that and give him some space, and allow him to pursue his hobbies and interests. Don’t expect his undivided attention at all times. 

Don’t stop him if he wants to hang out with his friends or engage in a hobby or sport or if he wants to go to a viewing centre to watch a football match. An interfering wife is an irritating woman.

Restricting your husband’s freedom and intruding on his space can be suffocating and will negatively affect your marriage.

Keep him happy in bed. 

Sexual intimacy is one of the most essential things in marriage. When you please your man, he will be obliged to please you in return. If you cannot keep your man happy in bed, he may go where he can get it, in the hand of a side chick. 

Also, don’t let the man do all the work on the bed, be an active partner, be adventurous and be outspoken. Most husbands want to hear their wives tell them how to please them during sex.

A man once told me that for 10 years of his marriage, he had been the one initiating sex between him and his wife. One day, he decided to stop and see what his wife would do. One month they didn’t make love, and the wife accused him of having an extramarital affair. He asked her, have you even requested sex from me, and I denied you of it?

Taking the first step in lovemaking does not mean you’re lewd, and neither will it diminish your husband’s respect for you. So if you’re in the mood for sex, go ahead and take the initiative. Get flirtatious, tease him, touch him, kiss him, tell him how you want it. He is your husband. 

Be affectionate.

Express your love and appreciation to your husband as often as possible. Men like praises and appreciation, and they like to hear the words "I love you" too. 

They also want to hear their wives tell them how good they are in bed. It boosts their confidence and makes them strive to satisfy their wives often as well. 

A good wife gives her husband thoughtful gifts once in a while. She never forgets the special days in his life. Men love surprises too. So surprise him on his birthday, a party, cook his favourite meal or a special night of passion will go a long way to show your husband you love him. 

Do not shift your affection for your husband to your children, it is wrong. It alienates the man from the children and in some cases, made the children lose respect for their father.

Be loyal and dedicated. 

A good wife is honest, loyal, and dedicated. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and the vows you took, in the beginning, should be kept up at all times.

Be loyal to your husband, and stand by him in all stages of his career and life, in health and sickness. Be proud of his accomplishments, and compliment and appreciate him. 

You and your husband are a team, so you should plan together and act in unison. A good wife does not make major decisions about the family without consulting with her husband. 

Good maintenance.

Some women overlook their appearances once married. They will tell you, after all, that they are not looking for another husband. Wives should care more about their appearances because getting a good husband is a battle, and keeping the man and keeping your marriage is a fiercer battle. 

Also, know that a good appearance makes for a cheerful disposition. Taking good care of your appearance makes you feel good and bold as well as makes your husband happy and proud. Men like their wives to look good and smell good. And take care of your health too.

Make yourself look good and healthy, not just for him, but for yourself. 

Be hygienic. Maintain a clean and neat house your husband will feel happy to come home to every day. 

Be a good housekeeper. The family spending expenses need to be handled with thriftiness by the wife. A good wife must be financially intelligent, in order not to waste her husband’s finances. She is a good homemaker and a builder, not a squanderer.

Caring and compassionate.

A good wife is caring and compassionate. She is sensitive to her husband’s needs and understands his moods and knows how to make him happy.

Her care and compassion should not be for the husband alone.  It includes loving and caring for his family and friends. A good wife should care for, and love her husband’s immediate family, show kindness to them, and visit or call them from time to time, especially his parents, if they are still alive. 

A good wife should also know her husband’s friends and treat them as her friends, too. Try as much as possible to join him in activities he's interested in, or invariably allow him to indulge in them. 

Pamper your husband often, men are just overgrown boys who are constantly in the care of a woman. A good wife makes her husband dependent on her by doing things no one else will do for him. This makes him miss you and have you in his thoughts when you are not around him. Your gestures, actions and words will inspire him to do something wonderful for you. 

Be Prayerful.

As a good wife, prayer should be one of your key weapons. Praying for your husband and family daily is the best thing you can do for them. Prayer should be your banner over your family.

A praying wife is a pride to her husband. A man once asked a friend his secret for business success. He told him he has a praying wife. A wife who takes her spiritual life seriously is a blessing to her husband and home. 

Be Honest.  

Honesty builds trust in a relationship. Marriages that are based on honesty are devoid of strives that come with lies and untruthfulness. A good wife does not cheat or lie to her husband. If your husband is honest with you, then he deserves the same honesty and truthfulness from you.

Being truthful should be intentional. At times, honesty hurts and may result in resentment or fights. It’s better, to be honest than to be dishonest. Dishonesty destroys trust in a relationship. But honesty helps to build trust and to strengthen your marriage. 

Develop self-sustaining habits.

Being a good wife is not limited to taking care of your husband and family. As a woman, groom yourself, grow, be industrious, and be an asset to your husband and not a beautiful,  clueless trophy wife.

In your quest to be a good wife, it is also important to develop positive attributes and self-sustaining habits. These qualities will help you to play your role as a good wife and also maintain a healthy and balanced relationship with your husband.

You have to be at peace with yourself, love yourself, be proud of yourself and above all, have a personal identity. When you have these attributes, exhibiting them towards your husband, family and friends comes naturally to you.

Be submissive and obedient

A good wife is submissive and obedient, but not to the level of servitude. Marriage is not a master/servant relationship. NO. Marriage is a mutual partnership of individuals who complement each other and contribute equally to the marriage.

A wife is an equal partner in the marriage. If you want a submissive and obedient wife, then be a loving and respectful husband. A man will have to love his wife to the point of earning her obedience and submissiveness.

Wives are the nucleus, the dots that connect every member of the household. It is a wife that sets the tone and mood in the house. Men are merely glorified over-lords. A happy wife makes a happy home.  A wife who knows her worth and nurtures her home with wisdom, love, and care is a good wife indeed.

A good wife makes a good husband. If a woman is a good wife to her husband and treats him right, he will cherish her, love her, and be a good husband to her in return.

Remember, there are two people in this relationship, and each has to play their roles to make their marriage an ideal one.