Sexual unresponsiveness in women.

One complaint I hear often is wives denying husbands conjugal rights.

A man told me, “Madam, the way my wife complains that I’m close-fisted with money is the same way she closes her thighs against sexual advances from me. Can you imagine I beg my wife for sex most nights?”

Another complained. “After my wife gave birth to twins, it took a year before I touched her again, albeit by force.”

Yet another. “I don’t disturb my wife so much for sex, but I have pleaded with her to give it to me when I need it, at least three times a mouth, but she only allows me to touch once in three or four months after many quarrels.”

It looks like some men are living with sexual frustrations in their matrimony homes. The question is, why do some wives dread sexual intercourse with their husbands? What could be the reasons for their action? Do we blame them or blame the husbands?

These are some of the complaints husbands said their wives give as reasons for avoiding sex. 

She is tired. 

She is stressed. 

She is not in the mood for sex. 

She complained I only touched her when I wanted sex.

She doesn’t initiate sex.

She is unresponsive in bed.

Causes of sexual unresponsiveness in a woman.

Stress

Some of the wives I spoke with have almost the same answer for their actions. One is a mother of two hyperactive kids. Her husband works with a bank while she is into business, selling foodstuff and provisions. She wakes around 5 am daily, makes breakfast, and prepares the children for school. She goes to the market thrice a week to buy goods for her shop. 

Meanwhile, her husband comes home from the bank, has his bath, eats and relaxes in the sitting room, watching television or pressing his phone. She closes her shop around 10 pm, and because she has no house help, she does all the house chores without help from her husband. When she eventually lies down for a much-needed rest, her husband will turn to her for sex and expect her to comply. “No way,” she said emphatically. 

When she goes to bed, sex is the last thing on her mind. She needs a rest after the many responsibilities and stress from her daily activities.

Most women are juggling different roles and responsibilities in their daily lives, as mothers, and home managers, if she is working, then career demands. Add family commitments and religious service to her to-do list. These responsibilities leave her with little time to relax and rest, so at the end of the day, sex feels like another duty she has to perform or something to endure instead of something to enjoy. Stress kills libido, and that is just the truth. 

Some wives will submit their bodies to their husbands to satisfy their sexual demands after a stressful day, out of marital obligation or wifely duty. Sex is about mutual desire and pleasure; when a woman is stressed, sexual desire does not come easily to her. If you want a rewarding sexual response from your wife, help reduce her stress levels.

Depression

Depression is another cause of lack of sexual desire in wives. When a woman is depressed or under pressure, she is not in the best frame of mind to have sex. Depression hurts a woman’s libido. The same neurotransmitters that control mood also stimulate blood flow to her genitals. If the neurotransmitters are busy elsewhere, the man has a slim chance of eliciting sexual desire from her. Pressure and menstrual circle can also cause hormonal imbalances and affect her sexual responses.

Marital disharmony

Marital disharmony can block desire. Women withhold sex as an act of resentment and bitterness against their husband's uncaring attitudes. When care and affection are no longer in the relationship and resentment has taken over, it inhibits a woman’s sexual desire and responses. Maybe the man hasn’t been supporting her emotionally. Maybe the man is not living up to his responsibilities at home. Maybe the man has been grumpy, and she has emotionally withdrawn from him.

While a man’s response to sexual desire is spontaneous, a woman’s desire is responsive to emotional stimulation that involves care and affection.

The brain is the most powerful sexual organ, and for women, the dynamism of their relationships with their husbands affects their sexuality. If she feels disrespected and uncared for or has negative emotions about her husband, she will find it difficult to exhibit a sexual desire for the man.

Unsatisfied sex

A lot of wives are battling sexual frustration too. A woman told me I should not mind her husband's complaints. He doesn’t last more than five minutes, and she is tired of having unsatisfied sex. If a woman’s sexual appetite is not adequately satisfied, it will cause a drop in her libido over time. When a woman continuously fails to experience orgasm, a natural relief of sexual tension,  it leaves a lasting psychological effect that might cause her to recoil at the thought of intercourse. 

Cultural norms 

She never initiates sex. A man told me that in his ten years of marriage, his wife has never taken the initiative on sex. And he decided not to request sex from her to see if she would take the lead, she didn’t, and after two months, she accused him of doing it outside with another woman.

Many women imbibe the cultural norms that it is shameful and wrong for a woman to ask for sex from her husband. Years of conditioning wouldn’t just go away overnight. Some of these internalised sexual beliefs lead to unhealthy sexual attitudes and inhibited sexuality. 

For another man, when his wife consents to have sex with him, she is not responsive. She just lay on the bed without contributing to the sexual act. She is more of a spectator than a participant.

When a woman sees sex as a duty. Some women believe that a married woman should submit to her husband sexually even if she doesn’t want it. She believes if she doesn’t give it to him, he will turn to another woman to get his satisfaction. She gives in to sex out of fear and obligation instead of desire and connection with her husband.

To some women, sex is just for making babies. They only accept having sex with their husbands when they want to get pregnant. This mental programming has an enormous effect on a woman’s sexuality. 

She isn’t enjoying sex.

If your wife dreads sex, she might be suffering from sexual dysfunction. In my book, Concepts of Love, I wrote, “Sexual dysfunction is the inability to respond, enjoy, or perform the sex act satisfactorily. It is also when someone cannot respond fully to sexual excitement or find sex very painful or lack the zeal and enthusiasm for a conjugal relationship.” 

I further stated in Concepts of Love, “Often, sexual dysfunction is not a problem of malfunctioning organs but with the organ's control button, which is the brain.” 

After having painful sexual experiences, a woman’s brain connects sex with pain, and she develops an aversion towards having sex. Often, some women who experience pain during sexual intercourse feel embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it with their husbands. 

Also, her sexual dysfunction might be due to earlier experiences in life, probably rape, unfulfilled sexual experience or unresolved emotional trauma in the past. You have to find out why she is experiencing pain.

And maybe you are not stimulating her enough to make sex pleasurable. According to Georg Hirth, “It is the task of the man to summon his whole power of self-command, to employ all his skill, to take all the care in his power that the woman may be ready.” 

The emphasis on making the woman ready to enjoy the sex act lies with the man.  Men get aroused easily and faster, but women need a lot more time for foreplay for their brain and body to connect and become adequately stimulated to enjoy sex.

As a man, do you take the time to get your wife ready to enjoy the sex act with you, or do you get erect and attack her gentile, ejaculate, turn and doze off without consideration for her emotional state? Don’t think only of your satisfaction alone. You have to put your woman’s satisfaction into consideration too. 

Do you know your wife’s erogenous zones? How do you stimulate them, and for how long? Some women require a longer time for stimulation, and some need elaborate procedures to be ready. A man should know how to touch his wife to build up her sexual desire. When a man lacks performance techniques to stimulate a woman, her responses would be affected the next time he demands sex from her.

Again Georg Hirth warms that. “The man who thinks of his gratification and who leaves his partner ungratified is a brutal being or, if not brutal, then he is simply ignorant of the harm he is doing.”

Steps men should take.

I have listed a lot of factories that make a wife avoid sex, and here are the measures men should take to ignite their wives' desire and keep it burning.

Communication. 

Have you tried to talk with her to find out her reasons for dreading sex and discuss how to resolve it? Communication is a key element of a healthy marriage. With communication, you can resolve sexual tension.

Be a responsible man around the house.

Help in taking care of some of the household's chores. Don’t leave all the domestic work for your wife to handle. The more you help, the less burned out she’ll be. Offer to take care of the kids at times so she can have some time to rest. 

Be attentive.

Be interested in what is going on in her life. Ask about her day and listen when she talks. It shows care and attention. When a woman feels cherished and fulfilled in the relationship, both emotionally and physically, she will be much more in the mood for sex with you.

Tender loving care.

Treat her with respect and appreciate her contribution to the family in your daily interactions. Once in a while, pamper your wife a little and let her feel she is loved and not a glorified house girl.

Be sensitive to your wife’s experiences and her cultural internalisation about sex. Let issues about sex not be a taboo topic of discussion between you and your wife. It takes two committed people who value their marriage to work towards harmonious sexual intimacy.

Whereby it is beyond what the man can handle, then talking to a Certified Sex Therapist can be very helpful and will provide him with insights and a better understanding of how to tackle the issue.

What makes a Good Wife?

Yes, who is a good wife? And what qualities make a woman a good wife?

Before going into this, let me ask if a man is a good husband, will that make the woman be a good wife?

Some will argue it to the moon and back. Whatever be your opinion, there is a grain of truth there.

A wife responds to her husband the way he treats her. If you treat your wife as worthless, she becomes worthless to you. If you treat her as royalty, she becomes a jewel in your crown, a pleasure and a blessing to you. 

As far as human relationship is concerned, what you give is what you get in return.

According to the Bible, Luke 6:38 (NKJV)

“For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.”

Here are qualities that make a woman a good wife.

Be pleasant. 

As a wife, be warm, kind, pleasant, understanding, and friendly to your husband, his family, and friends. Never be rude to him or his family members.

Welcome your husband home with a smile.

A good wife honours her husband with her pleasant manners and tone. A happy smile on her face, and a neat and clean appearance, go a long way to make her husband appreciate her. 

Be respectful. 

As a wife expects respect from a husband, so does a husband expect respect from a wife? "Respect is reciprocal," is a common saying.

Respect can be reflected in the way she talks and behaves. A good wife talks to her husband respectfully and lovingly, no matter his conditions or status in life.

A good wife does not belittle, criticize, humiliate, or talk down to her husband in private or in public. Doing so will hurt his ego. The quickest way to build resentment in your husband is to criticize or belittle him, especially in front of others. If you don’t agree with him, respectfully let him know you don’t agree with him.

If you treat your husband with disrespect before others, people around you will never respect him. Also, never embarrass him in public, particularly in front of your family or his friends or yours, especially in front of the children.

Be able to communicate. 

Communication plays a very vital role in marriage. In fact, it is the key to a good and solid relationship. Not just communication, but open communication is an integral part of every marriage. It involves your ability to be open, articulate, and free to share your inner thoughts. 

Open communication in marriage means you tell your husband what you think, how you feel and what you expect of him. A good wife does not hide things or keep secrets from her husband. 

If you are the type who bottles up your emotions, especially after a disagreement, then your marriage is in trouble. Your husband is not a mind reader. He acts based on what you say out loud.

Listening is critical for effective communication and as important as talking too. A good wife listens and not only talks; probably, you have lots of important things to tell him, also allow him to talk as well, and you listen. 

Both of you want to be heard. Give him the chance to hear you, and for you to listen to him. Find time to sit and gist with your husband. Listen to him talk about his day, talk to you about his problems, or interest.

Listening is not enough, make a conscious effort to hear, understand and make meaningful contributions. Pay attention during a conversation with your husband. Put away your phone and turn off anything that could be distracting and him your full attention when he is speaking.

Open communication is also the ability to resolve conflict amicably. When issues arise, talk through them with calm words and a calm mind. Talk to your husband – ask, say, and discuss. Not shout at him. Avoid the silent treatment, it will worsen the situation. Don’t leave your husband guessing about your feelings. 

Be supportive. 

A  good wife is always supportive of her husband in good times and in troubled times. A good wife loves her husband not only when he is successful. She should reassure and understand when her husband is feeling down or going through hard times. This is the period to be more thoughtful, supportive and loving as a good wife.

As a good wife, you should be your husband’s number one cheerleader. No matter how difficult the journey or situation, do not discourage your husband from pursuing his dream. Believe in him, assure him and help him in any way you can.

Do not nag. 

No man likes a nagging wife. Ask him nicely, and talk to him respectfully. Some wives think nagging is the only way to get their husbands to do things. The truth is, that nagging can create unwanted tension in the house.

A woman said she wouldn’t get her husband to do things for her if she didn’t nag.

A good husband knows the right thing to do for his wife. 

Don't greet him with complaints and problems early in the morning or the moment he comes back home. Instead of pestering him, talk to him sensibly about issues or your needs.

Constant complaining and murmuring will only push your husband out of the house, and to avoid you, he spends time in bars or at times in the arms of another woman. 

Give him his space.

 As a good wife, it's important to understand your husband has a life outside you and the home. He has family, friends, and colleagues who are also part of his life. He may have hobbies and passions he is involved in. 

Also, a married man needs space at times, even from his wife. Respect that and give him some space, and allow him to pursue his hobbies and interests. Don’t expect his undivided attention at all times. 

Don’t stop him if he wants to hang out with his friends or engage in a hobby or sport or if he wants to go to a viewing centre to watch a football match. An interfering wife is an irritating woman.

Restricting your husband’s freedom and intruding on his space can be suffocating and will negatively affect your marriage.

Keep him happy in bed. 

Sexual intimacy is one of the most essential things in marriage. When you please your man, he will be obliged to please you in return. If you cannot keep your man happy in bed, he may go where he can get it, in the hand of a side chick. 

Also, don’t let the man do all the work on the bed, be an active partner, be adventurous and be outspoken. Most husbands want to hear their wives tell them how to please them during sex.

A man once told me that for 10 years of his marriage, he had been the one initiating sex between him and his wife. One day, he decided to stop and see what his wife would do. One month they didn’t make love, and the wife accused him of having an extramarital affair. He asked her, have you even requested sex from me, and I denied you of it?

Taking the first step in lovemaking does not mean you’re lewd, and neither will it diminish your husband’s respect for you. So if you’re in the mood for sex, go ahead and take the initiative. Get flirtatious, tease him, touch him, kiss him, tell him how you want it. He is your husband. 

Be affectionate.

Express your love and appreciation to your husband as often as possible. Men like praises and appreciation, and they like to hear the words "I love you" too. 

They also want to hear their wives tell them how good they are in bed. It boosts their confidence and makes them strive to satisfy their wives often as well. 

A good wife gives her husband thoughtful gifts once in a while. She never forgets the special days in his life. Men love surprises too. So surprise him on his birthday, a party, cook his favourite meal or a special night of passion will go a long way to show your husband you love him. 

Do not shift your affection for your husband to your children, it is wrong. It alienates the man from the children and in some cases, made the children lose respect for their father.

Be loyal and dedicated. 

A good wife is honest, loyal, and dedicated. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and the vows you took, in the beginning, should be kept up at all times.

Be loyal to your husband, and stand by him in all stages of his career and life, in health and sickness. Be proud of his accomplishments, and compliment and appreciate him. 

You and your husband are a team, so you should plan together and act in unison. A good wife does not make major decisions about the family without consulting with her husband. 

Good maintenance.

Some women overlook their appearances once married. They will tell you, after all, that they are not looking for another husband. Wives should care more about their appearances because getting a good husband is a battle, and keeping the man and keeping your marriage is a fiercer battle. 

Also, know that a good appearance makes for a cheerful disposition. Taking good care of your appearance makes you feel good and bold as well as makes your husband happy and proud. Men like their wives to look good and smell good. And take care of your health too.

Make yourself look good and healthy, not just for him, but for yourself. 

Be hygienic. Maintain a clean and neat house your husband will feel happy to come home to every day. 

Be a good housekeeper. The family spending expenses need to be handled with thriftiness by the wife. A good wife must be financially intelligent, in order not to waste her husband’s finances. She is a good homemaker and a builder, not a squanderer.

Caring and compassionate.

A good wife is caring and compassionate. She is sensitive to her husband’s needs and understands his moods and knows how to make him happy.

Her care and compassion should not be for the husband alone.  It includes loving and caring for his family and friends. A good wife should care for, and love her husband’s immediate family, show kindness to them, and visit or call them from time to time, especially his parents, if they are still alive. 

A good wife should also know her husband’s friends and treat them as her friends, too. Try as much as possible to join him in activities he's interested in, or invariably allow him to indulge in them. 

Pamper your husband often, men are just overgrown boys who are constantly in the care of a woman. A good wife makes her husband dependent on her by doing things no one else will do for him. This makes him miss you and have you in his thoughts when you are not around him. Your gestures, actions and words will inspire him to do something wonderful for you. 

Be Prayerful.

As a good wife, prayer should be one of your key weapons. Praying for your husband and family daily is the best thing you can do for them. Prayer should be your banner over your family.

A praying wife is a pride to her husband. A man once asked a friend his secret for business success. He told him he has a praying wife. A wife who takes her spiritual life seriously is a blessing to her husband and home. 

Be Honest.  

Honesty builds trust in a relationship. Marriages that are based on honesty are devoid of strives that come with lies and untruthfulness. A good wife does not cheat or lie to her husband. If your husband is honest with you, then he deserves the same honesty and truthfulness from you.

Being truthful should be intentional. At times, honesty hurts and may result in resentment or fights. It’s better, to be honest than to be dishonest. Dishonesty destroys trust in a relationship. But honesty helps to build trust and to strengthen your marriage. 

Develop self-sustaining habits.

Being a good wife is not limited to taking care of your husband and family. As a woman, groom yourself, grow, be industrious, and be an asset to your husband and not a beautiful,  clueless trophy wife.

In your quest to be a good wife, it is also important to develop positive attributes and self-sustaining habits. These qualities will help you to play your role as a good wife and also maintain a healthy and balanced relationship with your husband.

You have to be at peace with yourself, love yourself, be proud of yourself and above all, have a personal identity. When you have these attributes, exhibiting them towards your husband, family and friends comes naturally to you.

Be submissive and obedient

A good wife is submissive and obedient, but not to the level of servitude. Marriage is not a master/servant relationship. NO. Marriage is a mutual partnership of individuals who complement each other and contribute equally to the marriage.

A wife is an equal partner in the marriage. If you want a submissive and obedient wife, then be a loving and respectful husband. A man will have to love his wife to the point of earning her obedience and submissiveness.

Wives are the nucleus, the dots that connect every member of the household. It is a wife that sets the tone and mood in the house. Men are merely glorified over-lords. A happy wife makes a happy home.  A wife who knows her worth and nurtures her home with wisdom, love, and care is a good wife indeed.

A good wife makes a good husband. If a woman is a good wife to her husband and treats him right, he will cherish her, love her, and be a good husband to her in return.

Remember, there are two people in this relationship, and each has to play their roles to make their marriage an ideal one.