One complaint I hear often is wives denying husbands conjugal rights.
A man told me, “Madam, the way my wife complains that I’m close-fisted with money is the same way she closes her thighs against sexual advances from me. Can you imagine I beg my wife for sex most nights?”
Another complained. “After my wife gave birth to twins, it took a year before I touched her again, albeit by force.”
Yet another. “I don’t disturb my wife so much for sex, but I have pleaded with her to give it to me when I need it, at least three times a mouth, but she only allows me to touch once in three or four months after many quarrels.”
It looks like some men are living with sexual frustrations in their matrimony homes. The question is, why do some wives dread sexual intercourse with their husbands? What could be the reasons for their action? Do we blame them or blame the husbands?
These are some of the complaints husbands said their wives give as reasons for avoiding sex.
She is tired.
She is stressed.
She is not in the mood for sex.
She complained I only touched her when I wanted sex.
She doesn’t initiate sex.
She is unresponsive in bed.
Causes of sexual unresponsiveness in a woman.
Stress
Some of the wives I spoke with have almost the same answer for their actions. One is a mother of two hyperactive kids. Her husband works with a bank while she is into business, selling foodstuff and provisions. She wakes around 5 am daily, makes breakfast, and prepares the children for school. She goes to the market thrice a week to buy goods for her shop.
Meanwhile, her husband comes home from the bank, has his bath, eats and relaxes in the sitting room, watching television or pressing his phone. She closes her shop around 10 pm, and because she has no house help, she does all the house chores without help from her husband. When she eventually lies down for a much-needed rest, her husband will turn to her for sex and expect her to comply. “No way,” she said emphatically.
When she goes to bed, sex is the last thing on her mind. She needs a rest after the many responsibilities and stress from her daily activities.
Most women are juggling different roles and responsibilities in their daily lives, as mothers, and home managers, if she is working, then career demands. Add family commitments and religious service to her to-do list. These responsibilities leave her with little time to relax and rest, so at the end of the day, sex feels like another duty she has to perform or something to endure instead of something to enjoy. Stress kills libido, and that is just the truth.
Some wives will submit their bodies to their husbands to satisfy their sexual demands after a stressful day, out of marital obligation or wifely duty. Sex is about mutual desire and pleasure; when a woman is stressed, sexual desire does not come easily to her. If you want a rewarding sexual response from your wife, help reduce her stress levels.
Depression
Depression is another cause of lack of sexual desire in wives. When a woman is depressed or under pressure, she is not in the best frame of mind to have sex. Depression hurts a woman’s libido. The same neurotransmitters that control mood also stimulate blood flow to her genitals. If the neurotransmitters are busy elsewhere, the man has a slim chance of eliciting sexual desire from her. Pressure and menstrual circle can also cause hormonal imbalances and affect her sexual responses.
Marital disharmony
Marital disharmony can block desire. Women withhold sex as an act of resentment and bitterness against their husband's uncaring attitudes. When care and affection are no longer in the relationship and resentment has taken over, it inhibits a woman’s sexual desire and responses. Maybe the man hasn’t been supporting her emotionally. Maybe the man is not living up to his responsibilities at home. Maybe the man has been grumpy, and she has emotionally withdrawn from him.
While a man’s response to sexual desire is spontaneous, a woman’s desire is responsive to emotional stimulation that involves care and affection.
The brain is the most powerful sexual organ, and for women, the dynamism of their relationships with their husbands affects their sexuality. If she feels disrespected and uncared for or has negative emotions about her husband, she will find it difficult to exhibit a sexual desire for the man.
Unsatisfied sex
A lot of wives are battling sexual frustration too. A woman told me I should not mind her husband's complaints. He doesn’t last more than five minutes, and she is tired of having unsatisfied sex. If a woman’s sexual appetite is not adequately satisfied, it will cause a drop in her libido over time. When a woman continuously fails to experience orgasm, a natural relief of sexual tension, it leaves a lasting psychological effect that might cause her to recoil at the thought of intercourse.
Cultural norms
She never initiates sex. A man told me that in his ten years of marriage, his wife has never taken the initiative on sex. And he decided not to request sex from her to see if she would take the lead, she didn’t, and after two months, she accused him of doing it outside with another woman.
Many women imbibe the cultural norms that it is shameful and wrong for a woman to ask for sex from her husband. Years of conditioning wouldn’t just go away overnight. Some of these internalised sexual beliefs lead to unhealthy sexual attitudes and inhibited sexuality.
For another man, when his wife consents to have sex with him, she is not responsive. She just lay on the bed without contributing to the sexual act. She is more of a spectator than a participant.
When a woman sees sex as a duty. Some women believe that a married woman should submit to her husband sexually even if she doesn’t want it. She believes if she doesn’t give it to him, he will turn to another woman to get his satisfaction. She gives in to sex out of fear and obligation instead of desire and connection with her husband.
To some women, sex is just for making babies. They only accept having sex with their husbands when they want to get pregnant. This mental programming has an enormous effect on a woman’s sexuality.
She isn’t enjoying sex.
If your wife dreads sex, she might be suffering from sexual dysfunction. In my book, Concepts of Love, I wrote, “Sexual dysfunction is the inability to respond, enjoy, or perform the sex act satisfactorily. It is also when someone cannot respond fully to sexual excitement or find sex very painful or lack the zeal and enthusiasm for a conjugal relationship.”
I further stated in Concepts of Love, “Often, sexual dysfunction is not a problem of malfunctioning organs but with the organ's control button, which is the brain.”
After having painful sexual experiences, a woman’s brain connects sex with pain, and she develops an aversion towards having sex. Often, some women who experience pain during sexual intercourse feel embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it with their husbands.
Also, her sexual dysfunction might be due to earlier experiences in life, probably rape, unfulfilled sexual experience or unresolved emotional trauma in the past. You have to find out why she is experiencing pain.
And maybe you are not stimulating her enough to make sex pleasurable. According to Georg Hirth, “It is the task of the man to summon his whole power of self-command, to employ all his skill, to take all the care in his power that the woman may be ready.”
The emphasis on making the woman ready to enjoy the sex act lies with the man. Men get aroused easily and faster, but women need a lot more time for foreplay for their brain and body to connect and become adequately stimulated to enjoy sex.
As a man, do you take the time to get your wife ready to enjoy the sex act with you, or do you get erect and attack her gentile, ejaculate, turn and doze off without consideration for her emotional state? Don’t think only of your satisfaction alone. You have to put your woman’s satisfaction into consideration too.
Do you know your wife’s erogenous zones? How do you stimulate them, and for how long? Some women require a longer time for stimulation, and some need elaborate procedures to be ready. A man should know how to touch his wife to build up her sexual desire. When a man lacks performance techniques to stimulate a woman, her responses would be affected the next time he demands sex from her.
Again Georg Hirth warms that. “The man who thinks of his gratification and who leaves his partner ungratified is a brutal being or, if not brutal, then he is simply ignorant of the harm he is doing.”
Steps men should take.
I have listed a lot of factories that make a wife avoid sex, and here are the measures men should take to ignite their wives' desire and keep it burning.
Communication.
Have you tried to talk with her to find out her reasons for dreading sex and discuss how to resolve it? Communication is a key element of a healthy marriage. With communication, you can resolve sexual tension.
Be a responsible man around the house.
Help in taking care of some of the household's chores. Don’t leave all the domestic work for your wife to handle. The more you help, the less burned out she’ll be. Offer to take care of the kids at times so she can have some time to rest.
Be attentive.
Be interested in what is going on in her life. Ask about her day and listen when she talks. It shows care and attention. When a woman feels cherished and fulfilled in the relationship, both emotionally and physically, she will be much more in the mood for sex with you.
Tender loving care.
Treat her with respect and appreciate her contribution to the family in your daily interactions. Once in a while, pamper your wife a little and let her feel she is loved and not a glorified house girl.
Be sensitive to your wife’s experiences and her cultural internalisation about sex. Let issues about sex not be a taboo topic of discussion between you and your wife. It takes two committed people who value their marriage to work towards harmonious sexual intimacy.
Whereby it is beyond what the man can handle, then talking to a Certified Sex Therapist can be very helpful and will provide him with insights and a better understanding of how to tackle the issue.
