Court Intelligently & Enjoy Your Marriage

Some say marriage is like a groundnut; you must crack it first to see what is inside. In other words, you have to get into it to understand it. But is that what it should really be? You would agree with me that it would be horrible to crack it and see a rotten nut. Unlike groundnut that you can quickly trash, you cannot easily throw away a terrible marriage and move on.

Imagine you picked up a tomato, looked at it, felt it. If you noticed a bruise, an odour, its juices dripping, or fruit flies following it. Would you buy it? Certainly not! These are signs that show you it is spoilt inside and unlikely to make a good meal.

Imagine knowing the person that would dish out misery in marriage right during the Courtship. That’s what courting intelligently does. You can smell and identify those that are trouble.

Christ aptly said,

“Beware of false prophets who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit.” Matthew 7: 15-18.

In using the word ‘Beware’, which means ‘look out for, be careful.’ He showed it was possible to identify no-gooders. Verse 20 tells you what to look out for — their fruits. By their fruits, you will know them. The person you choose to marry is like a fruit. The person shows you what the union has in stock for you by their conduct. Do not be deceived by cosmetic appearance. If it’s not the real thing, it is not.

Osinachi was a top Nigerian gospel singer based in Abuja whose death sparked outrage on the internet as her family alleged domestic violence. In an interview with BBC Igbo, Osinachi’s twin sister, Amarachi Eze, confirmed there were signs that her husband was trouble, from the beginning. He rushed to pay her bride price without courtship. It finally manifested in the marriage.

Refuse to be stampeded or rushed into marriage. Insist on a period of courtship – an intelligent one. It’s your time to know what type of fruit you will get.

Intelligently courting leads you to a marriage you will enjoy. It enables you to identify red flags and allows you to either fix them or walk away.

My book, Before You Say I Do, reveals some dangerous signs people ignore in a potential spouse.

Imagine you are courting a man that gets angry at the slightest or no provocation. He even slapped you the other day because of a disagreement that led to an argument. But you wink at this giant red flag. You make excuses–after all; you provoked him. You let their physical attributes and or financial prowess becloud your senses.

As a woman, you may say, “Oh, this man fits the type of husband I have been praying to marry. I am over 30 years old. Why should I let a one-off slap make me lose him? Who knows if and when another will come? And after all, he even apologized,” you rationalize.

A month after the wedding, you receive your first post-marriage baptism of pounding. You suddenly begin to wonder what went wrong. You put your hands on your head and wail, “God, why did you bring this type of man to me? Why did you allow this to happen to me?” The blaming game begins. It’s now God’s fault.

Really? Please leave God out of it. He never allowed it. YOU did! Most marriages are troubled or fail because there’s no proper foundation built through intelligent courtship. Sadly, we spend years preparing for a career that costs huge sums, yet no one is trained or adequately equipped with the skills of knowing how to select a spouse before entering a union that can make or mar one for life. We often think we know. After all, are our parents not married and okay? But are they okay?

Most endure marriage because many societies frown on divorce. Though it has become like eating cardboard, they struggle to keep the façade and maintain a union that has lost its lustre. First, understand there’s a difference between dating and courtship. Dating provides an appointment to meet various personalities and determine the type that may likely suit you in marriage. Date widely before diving into courtship.

Dating leads to courtship, not marriage. Courtship is when you isolate one person to decide whether you’re compatible for a lifetime union. It is the waiting room of marriage. Date, court, engage, then marry. You are unintelligently courting if all you do is assume the role of a spouse to someone you’re yet to marry. Or your principal concern is for the person to cater to your basic needs.

Intelligent courtship starts with getting the foundation right. In Luke 6:48, Christ illustrated how digging deep and laying a foundation on the rock ensures that storms and floods can’t destroy the house because it’s well built. You, as a person, must be anchored in the belief that marriage is to be mutually enjoyed and not tolerated. You must have your no-go zones and refuse to compromise on what is fundamental to your happiness. Then, you must know yourself and what you want. “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.” Luke 14:26-27 Jesus wanted followers who knew themselves.

They had to ask themselves if they were ready to love Christ more and their families less. To die to self and care about others. To let go of their own will and trust Him no matter what. He wanted those ready to develop trust and friendship with him, those who would love him to death. To follow Him, they needed to know if they had these qualities because that would determine how smoothly the relationship would go.

They had to know themselves first. I have discovered it’s the same with courtship. To court intelligently, you have to know yourself. When you know your values, goals, aspirations, beliefs, health status, likes, and dislikes, you will know who can complement you and who to avoid! You have to know yourself, not fake yourself. It means being yourself. Being a chameleon increases the risk of getting a spouse that isn’t suitable for you. Stay true to yourself because someone is looking for such a person. You don’t have to masquerade to find true love. Rebekkah is a perfect example here.

Abraham's servant made a request to God to know the right lady to select for Issac. “I will ask one of them, ‘Please give me a drink from your jug.’ If she says, ‘Yes, have a drink, and I will water your camels, too!’—let her be the one you have selected as Isaac’s wife. This is how I will know that you have shown unfailing love to my master.” Then Rebekah came along in her usual manner, fetched water, and was walking away when Abraham’s servant quickly went to her, “Please let me drink a little water from your pitcher.”

And she said, “Drink, my lord.” After he finished drinking, she said, “I will also draw water for your camels until they have finished drinking.”

He didn’t ask, but she offered to draw water “… until they have finished drinking.” The servant had 10 camels. She saw them before she made the offer.

I learned that a thirsty camel could drink about 30 gallons at once. Multiply 30 gallons by 10 camels. 300 gallons, right? Rebekah couldn’t have carried more than 5 gallons at a time. So divide 300 by 5. If you got 60, you are correct. She made 60 trips back and forth to draw water from the well to give the 10 camels enough water to quench their thirst.

She was not faking anything to become wife material. It was who she was. She did what he was precisely looking for - without even knowing! Being yourself is vital because someone is looking for your type. Never fake it.

My husband was a young Christian when he met me. He was looking for a woman who knew the word of God. I was minding my business, contributing to a group Bible study he walked into late. I didn’t know him nor what he wanted in a wife. But immediately he heard me contributing. He knew he had met the type of person he wanted as a wife.

By the time I was later introduced to him that day, he knew he had met his wife. He knew himself and what he wanted. I wasn’t faking anything or trying to impress anyone. I was just myself! Even before he proposed to me, 19 days after we met, I knew he was the one for me. Though I had an aversion to people from his tribe due to tribal stereotypes, I knew he complemented me and had the qualities I wanted in a man. I knew he was the one I should walk the long road of marriage. Why? I knew myself. I knew what I wanted. I was real. I had gotten to know him, too. Above all, I courted intelligently.

Intelligent courtship means asking the right questions to know your potential partner in-depth for you to determine suitability. Relying on God for guidance and trusting your gut feelings when anchored on God. This is one reason I am against selecting a partner for someone. I may not be able to deal with a husband that smokes or has a child before marriage, but you may. That is why you first need to know yourself and what you want and can live happily with. And then, know the one you want to wake up every morning to see for the rest of your life.

In our Courtship Academy, you receive a digital copy of our Compatibility Workbook for Courting Couples containing practical questions you should ask your potential partner before exchanging vows. Questions touching various aspects of life. They are part of the questionnaires I developed and used in my courtship that helped cement our love and laid a solid foundation for our over thirty-four years of blissful marriage.

Incompatibility issues may not mean an outright breakup. It, however, allows you to discuss and reach a compromise. It enables you to process all necessary information to make an informed decision, including walking away. Two can only walk together if they agree (Amos 3:3).

Marriage is no experiment, nor is it a joke. It is serious business, and you should treat it as such. This is what my online Courtship Academy is all about. We show you how to know the fruits you are looking for and how to intelligently find them.

In a sex-soaked world, it appears impossible to court without having sex. But the truth is that sex isn’t a part of intelligent courting. Once it comes into the mix, it messes with your thought processes. You begin thinking with your groin, not your head, especially if, as a lady, you were disvirgined by the person.

To court intelligently, stay away from sex. Leave it for marriage with the person you have carefully selected and vetted. This is apart from the risks of sexually transmitted diseases (STD), transfer of hostile spiritual forces, pregnancy, and abortion. But it doesn’t mean you do not talk about sex. Sex is a vital part of marriage and worthy of in-depth discussion.

Finally, please ditch the old saying that love is blind. No, it isn’t. My husband says his love had big goggles, which enabled him to confirm what he wanted in a wife and go for it.

These are a few basic strategies for intelligent courting that would ultimately prepare you to enjoy your marriage. At Courtship Academy, we show you the how, and much more!

I look forward to welcoming you into this online platform where we guide singles and courting couples to wisely decode a potential partner and determine if both genuinely match.

By Christine Vidal-Wachuku (Courtship coach & Author)

Are you a placeholder in your relationship?

One of my father’s workers, Friday, once brought a woman to the house and introduced her to Chief, as his wife. Chief was sceptical and asked the woman twice if Friday was her husband, which she affirmed. Chief prayed and blessed them. Some weekends, Friday would take off to Port Harcourt to visit his wife.

This happened years back. On the first day of this year, my phone rang, and I picked it up. It was Friday after we exchanged pleasantries and a happy new year. He told me he is now in Port Harcourt and has been there for a year now.

Thinking he has finally joined his wife there, I asked about her.

“Aunty, who?”

“Your wife that stays in Port Harcourt. The one you brought home and presented to chief?”

“Oh, aunty, that woman. Na the woman wey I take hold body and enjoy myself. My wife and grown-up children dey my village.”

I was speechless.

I was in a saloon one day with two ladies. One was seeking advice. A man she had lived with for three years asked her to pack out of his house that he wouldn’t marry. His reason: she is three years older than him. According to her, the guy was aware of the difference in their ages before the commencement of the relationship. They have made plans for the future and contributed money to rent a flat since they both work and earn good salaries.

It appeared the guy wants to settle down but not with her. Probably, he has seen someone he wants to marry and wants her out of his life. Invariably, for the three years she lived with him, she was just a place-holder, someone he used to “hold body” until he meets the woman he wants to marry.

Last year, one of my friends came gushing about a guy she met. In her words, “the guy is loaded and knows how to spend money.” I was happy for her. Four months later we met, and I asked about her rich boyfriend. 

“The guy wants to take the relationship to the next level,” she told me

“When is the wedding bell going to toll?” I asked.

“I don’t want to marry him.”

“Why?” I was confused.

She sighed. “See, the bobo is good. He has a heart of gold, but…”

I waited.

“The guy ugly no be small.”

“Excuse me?”

“He is not somebody I can proudly introduce to my friends as my husband.”

“So, what have you been doing with him?”

She shrugged. “He is just my man for the moment and not a forever thing.”

That means the man is a placeholder in her life. She just wanted to catch a cruise, and enjoy the man and his money until someone she feels is better comes along.

Who is a place-holder in a relationship?

A place-holder is someone who temporarily fills or occupies a place in someone’s life.

Urbandictionary.com described a placeholder as “the person one dates, makes out with, or sleeps with while waiting or actively searching for the love of one’s life.”

Often you’re in a relationship with someone and for all intents and purposes, you believe you are partners, but unknown to you, you're just holding the place for someone because your partner plans to end things when he or she meets their true love, whether they are consciously aware of that fact or not.

You are in a relationship and it didn’t work out, probably because of certain circumstances and you ended it. This is a normal occurrence, it is not all relationships that end up in marriage. Being used as a placeholder is different. It is when you know a person is not who you wanted, but you still hold on to the relationship pending when you get someone you consider worthy to be in a relationship with. It’s painful to realise your partner doesn’t think you’re the real deal but sees you as a stand-in or a placeholder in the relationship. 

At the beginning of the relationship, your partner’s intention may not be to use you as a placeholder, but the “see finish syndrome,” may creep into the relationship and the person discovers you’re not what he/she wanted for a long-term and so you become a placeholder. This can happen to anyone. When you feel your partner is no longer relevant to you, it’s better to end the relationship rather than put the person on ‘hold’ or make him/her a bed warmer until someone “better” comes along.

Signs that you're a placeholder in your relationship. 

When the relationship is not defined.

The beginning of a relationship is always the best time to define your feelings and set boundaries. But If your partner keeps you in the dark for a long time about their feelings. If they can’t express their feelings to you, it means you’re in the relationship alone. If your role in the relationship is not clearly defined, it becomes ambiguous.

You’ve been in a relationship with a guy for a long time and he has not defined what you are to him or make it official, he tells you he loves you but asked you not to be in a big rush to announce the relationship to friends or family members. It is a sign the guy is using you as a placeholder. It means you are keeping the spot warm while he waits for the next best thing. 

Your relationship is in a closet.

Your relationship is in a closet if your partner cannot introduce you to people that are important in their life, like friends and family, even though you have been together for some time. This is so because your partner sees you as someone temporarily in their life. 

They don’t consider you as an important part of their life and wouldn’t go through the trouble of letting you into their life when they don’t think you’ll be around for long. 

 Also, if they are concealing the relationship and you have not met his close family and friends. It’s a sign the person is not serious about you or committed to you.

 In a serious and committed relationship, you should know the important people in each other's lives. But if he/she wants to appear single, they are just using you as a placeholder while they hunt for someone else. 

Inability To Make Plans With You

Some people who see their partners as placeholders can be wary of any serious discussion about the future. Someone who doesn’t consider you as the real deal wouldn’t want to make a long-term plan with you. They will always use words like, “let’s watch and see,” or “let’s take each day as it comes,” to stop you from talking about any plan with them. Don't trust such false words. It shows you’re not a priority, but a placeholder.

Even when some make plans with you and it ended up all talk and no action. It's a sign they didn’t consider you worthy to remain with them in the future. If there is no evidence they are thinking about a long term with you, this could be a sign you’re not seen as the “real deal” or the “idle person.”

You're A Rebound

When someone dates you right after they got out of a relationship, chances are they are using you as a rebound and a placeholder. However, it depends on the way your partner sees you. Some rebound relationships work out, eventually.  

However, some people feel sad or lonely when they ended a relationship, and might likely go into a new relationship right away to lessen the pain and trauma of the breakup. In such cases, if your partner sees you as a consolation package, then you’re a placeholder.

Your partner never takes the time to know the real you. 

You’re dating someone who doesn’t seem to get along with your friends, who never feel comfortable going out in public with you. It’s an indicator the person never sees the relationship as something lasting. 

A partner who cares about you and wants to have something real with you would want to know everything about you and would be interested in what makes you, you. Interested in knowing your friends and even some family members. If not, you're being used as a placeholder. Since they don’t consider you as their main choice, they wouldn’t want to get deeply involved with you. 

You are never present on their social media accounts.

As social beings, we often want to know how our partners perceive us, what we mean to them and our stand or position with them in the relationship. 

Typically, you see people write “in a relationship,” on their social media profile pages. Some go further to post the pictures of the love of their life so all their Instagram, FB, etc, friends know they are in a relationship with the person.

There are still some who wouldn’t do that. They don’t want people to know about their private life. It’s acceptable if everyone that matters to them already knows about your relationship with your partner. But if one reason your partner is not giving you an internet presence is that they still want to present themselves as available to others, then you’re a placeholder in the relationship.

Your partner doesn’t have time for you.

When a partner feels you are unnecessary or unimportant in their life, they will accord you little or no time in their daily schedule. 

If your partner is not putting energy or time into the relationship, or your role in their life is being downplayed. They only call when they need you for something, probably sex, or fill-in- dates for parties and social events. Then you’re a placeholder in the relationship.

Your partner calls you or seeks your attention when it’s convenient for them, and when they feel like it, without consideration for your needs and time, it’s a sign you’re being used as a placeholder.

If you are in a relationship and feel uncertain about whether your partner sees a future with you or you’re not feeling as connected as you’d like to be. If you are not treated as a significant part of your partner, you don’t feel you’re an essential part of their life. You don’t feel valued in your relationship. You’re a placeholder.

Your partner shies away from commitment.

If you’ve been dating your partner for a long time and each time you talk about commitment and they tell you they are not yet ready to settle down, it probably means you are not what they want or who they want to settle down with.

You’re a “tag-along” date for occasions like birthday parties, weddings, or office parties, which end in his bed. But a discussion never happens nor did he give you a concrete answer on what your relationship is or where it’s going. You are just a flavour of the moment. A placeholder and a bed warmer. Just friends with benefits. He provides the dates and you supply the sex.

However, if both of you have discussed having a long-term commitment, and it seems like they are not showing up or investing in moving the relationship to the next level, your efforts to talk about it are being ignored or swept aside. You need to re-assess the relationship. Probably you have become a placeholder and they are using you to “hold body.” 

Your partner is not paying any attention to you.

A partner who wants a serious relationship with you will want to know everything about you, will want to know how you spend your day, will listen to you and pay attention to both your said and unsaid words.

But if they rarely ask about your day, never listen to you, never remember what you tell them and aren't paying any attention to your needs. Then, you need to think twice about the relationship, for these are all signs of a partner who doesn’t care about you. When the person doesn’t show care and attention, then you’re a placeholder in the relationship.

Your partner doesn’t respect or trust you.

If your partner isn't treating you with respect, if they don’t trust you and they are not honest with you, then you're a placeholder. Respect is an important component of a committed relationship, then trust and honesty are part of love. 

A partner who loves you and wants a genuine relationship with you will respect you as a person, respect your views, your needs, and your boundaries. Respect in a relationship is important because it shows you are valued. 

The person will also trust you and be honest with you about their needs, their feelings and expectations from you and the relationship. 

When you see these flags, pay attention to them. You are not meant to be a placeholder. You are to be loved, cherished, respected, and valued in your relationship. So, it is crucial to know where you stand with your partner in your relationship. 

People who use others as placeholders are selfish and have a self-serving attitude about their partner in the relationship. They’re aware you have feelings for them and they take advantage of that to get what they want from you. Like my friend who was dating a man, she didn’t want to commit because he was ugly.

Christine Vidal-Wachuku (Courtship coach & Author)

Author's Hangout With Zizi

She is a woman who doesn’t beat about the bush. When it comes to relationship matters, she is blunt, direct, and succinct with words. The “no-nonsense- coach” is an apt name for the way she handles relationship issues.

When I get to know her and chat with her, she is a lot more than the face she presents online. Her tenacity, doggedness and zeal are worth emulating. These attributes were glaring in her book, Breaking Barriers, the story of her life and marriage.

Did I add she is witty too? She is fun to be with and chat with. Her jokes and manner of speaking can keep you laughing for a day.

Read her posts about her life, marriage and her husband, and you will realise that marriage is sweet when you marry the right partner. Christine and her husband, Vidal-Wachuku are personifications of the word, “two hearts that beat as one.” She is on a mission to teach the younger generation how to marry right and enjoy marriage, not endure it, through her courtship academy.

She is the author of Breaking Barriers and other books on courtship and relationships.

Tell us about yourself? Your background, education and work experience.

I am Christine Vidal-Wachuku nee Jezhi, born on 2nd June 1964 in Keffi, Nigeria, to Gbagyi parents. I grew up in Kaduna but spent my holidays in Karu, Abuja–my hometown. I attended FGGC Bakori, now in Katsina State; then Ahmadu Bello University, Zaria, where I studied Law. I was called to the Nigerian Bar in 1986 and later obtained a Master’s in Law from the University of Jos, Nigeria. Much later in life, our church relocated us to Florida, in the United States, where my lawyer husband served as a full-time ordained minister. Unable to practice law in the USA, I made a midlife career change to become a Registered Nurse. I subsequently earned a bachelor’s degree from the University of Central Florida in the same field. Later, I started a master’s degree program in Nursing Education at the same university before they transferred my husband to Texas, where we now live.

I am a wife, and mother of 3 extraordinary daughters, Kpetu, Shekwonyadu, and Imani, a mother-in-law to a hard-working young man, Glenn Moore, and a grandmother to 2 fantastic boys, Awyetu and Atnadu. I am also the No-Nonsense Courtship Coach and chief facilitator of the Courtship Academy.

I enjoy learning recipes from different cultures and travelling with my heartthrob, Vidal.

Why the career shift, from a lawyer to a nurse?

I could not practice law in Florida without returning to the university for a law degree or master’s here. Besides, going back to read law, was expensive and not worth it because while volunteering at the Orange County Legal Aid, I met many American lawyers there looking for unavailable jobs. Florida has over 99,000 lawyers. I didn’t want to incur student loans and yet cannot use the degree.

But I didn’t want to wash toilets either. I researched and found out that the health profession was a guaranteed place for employment. Since I had already become a certified nursing assistant, I decided I might as well proceed to read nursing.

Because I switched from law to the sciences, I had to take some nursing prerequisites. After studying hard and long, they admitted me into the dual enrolment program for my Bachelor’s in nursing.

Dual enrolment means I was attending a college and a university at the same time. I obtained my Associate degree in nursing from the college in two years, then wrote and passed the qualifying nursing exam, NCLEX, in September 2019. Two more semesters later, I obtained my BSN–Bachelor of Nursing Science.

Later, I enrolled for a master’s in nursing education at the same university, but my husband was transferred to the great state of Texas, resulting in a hold on the program.

What inspired you to become a relationship coach?

My experiences put me on this path. While my husband, Vidal, and I were courting. If I may quote from my book, Breaking Barriers. 

We discussed various issues relating to our future union over several days and weeks. What kind of marriage and home did we want? What life did we want for ourselves? When would we start a family? How many children and how would we raise them?

What would happen if they were all the same sex? What were our individual and joint goals for our marriage and home? What career path did we want? As Christians, what were our aspirations? What would be our policy towards immediate and extended family members, especially in financial assistance? What about our finances? Would we keep separate accounts or have a joint account? What was our mindset and attitude about house-help? There was hardly anything we didn’t cover. We were determined to build our home on Christian principles and values. (Chapter Six: Laying the Foundation of Our Future Home.

Asking these deep questions and giving honest answers helped to cement our love and lay the solid foundation on which our over thirty-four years of blissful marriage has thrived.

Encouraged by folks' positive reactions to these and other questions, I developed them into a Compatibility Workbook For Courting Couples and make it the bedrock on which a top-notch one-of-its-kind Courtship Academy, is founded.

Sadly, we spend years preparing for a career, yet we do not train ourselves on how to select a spouse. We blindly enter a union that can make or mar one for life.

The Academy fills this gap. It is an online platform to guide singles and courting couples through courtship—a period supposed to be used to decode a potential partner and determine if both genuinely match. Knowing the right questions to ask will lead them to unmask each other and ultimately make the crucial decision if that person is the one to spend the rest of their lives with.

I firmly believe that a life partner’s choice should never be left to chance, nor depend solely on prayer. Faith without works is dead. One should not go into marriage only to discover the partner is a total stranger is a solid motivator for me to become a courtship coach.

What is your mission and vision as a marriage/relationship coach?

My vision is to see courting couples becoming intentional during their courtship by earnestly asking each other incising questions that enable them to unravel each other to avoid the possibility of ending up in marriage with a stranger.

My mission is to equip youths to understand that choosing a spouse is not something you left to chance, society or traditional expectations, or prayer alone, but also through asking the right questions during courtship to determine compatibility and lay a solid foundation for marriage.

What are the responses to your courtship academy and your students' feedback?

Being a novel thing, it is taking time to gain traction, but it is not surprising. As new things go, it is a gradual process. However, feelers from those who have bought into the idea of investing their time and effort to have a successful marriage potentially show that it will catch on and spread like wildfire.

How did you come up with your slogan, “Your No-Nonsense Courtship Coach”?

It describes who I am as a person. I am a straight shooter, which is the approach I bring to my coaching.

Though the slogan initially made a few uncomfortable as they thought I might be unreachable, upon interacting with me, they realized what it truly meant.

What was one of the most surprising things you learned as a marriage/relationship coach?

Simply that most are absolutely unprepared for marriage!

They do not teach us about marriage as we assume that just as a newborn has a sucking instinct and can find the breast and suck, youths could get a spouse and settle into a successful marriage. We do not consider compatibility vital in choosing a partner.

My experience is that many are ignorant about who they are. They know nothing about themselves and what they want. They do not know about their values, beliefs, and what they should consider deal-breakers.

Many women, in particular, are worried about getting older without marrying. Others consider it a poverty alleviation scheme and marry to have someone cater to their needs.

Many apply the same process their parents and forefathers used and expect a different result. It is obvious those methods are not working.

Because of the above, many women become easy prey for men that don’t deserve them. They do the bidding of the men if it would get a ring on their finger and the title MRS. to their name. I am out to change this narrative.

What author or book influenced you either growing up or as an adult?

Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe. His stories had traditional settings, and I love how he narrated them. To me, he challenged stereotypes, myths, and the image of ourselves and our continent and recast them through stories-prose, poetry, essays, and books for our children. You can glean his impact on me from my book; Breaking Barriers.

What is the essential role of a relationship/ marriage coach?

As a courtship coach, I am different from a relationship/marriage coach. My niche is to catch the problem before it happens. By assisting youths in identifying potential challenges before marriage, they build a solid foundation, thus avoiding the nightmare masked in most marriages.

What do you consider your best accomplishment as a writer and a relationship/marriage coach?

Writing and publishing my book, Breaking Barriers. It led to realizing my potential as a courtship coach and ultimately birthing the Courtship Academy.

The rate of divorce is on the increase. What do you think could be the cause?

I believe most marriages fail today because when most parties were single and courting; they did not take the time to dig in and truly know who they were planning to marry by asking vital and at times tough and unpleasant questions. This is attributable to ignorance as most simply do not know the right questions to ask or what they want, as I earlier stated.

These questions and the discussions lay the foundation for a successful marriage. This is where the Academy comes in.

Our Compatibility Workbook For Courting Couples guides singles to ask the right questions that will lead them to select the right spouse based on sound knowledge of the person. It contains questions regarding one’s values, ambition, career, expectations, finances, sex, children, the place of in-laws, and many more.

When you do not address compatibility issues during courtship, there’s an increased risk of the marriage crumbling like a piece of badly baked cake. This has led to many staring at their partner a few years into their union and wondering “How did I get into this?” To worsen matters, because this generation is so impatient, divorce becomes the easiest option. Also, most go into marriage with a 50-50 perception. 50-50 proposition is all about. I will do my part. You do yours. Scorecards are kept.

Each checks the scorecards to see who is doing what. Is it 50% yet? Once the partner cannot keep their own 50, then trouble begins. Resentment starts, followed by bitterness, and the union ends in the ditch of divorce. Most do not know, but 50-50 is a half commitment to the union.

Marriage is a 100-100 proposition. You must be willing to give 100 per cent, expecting nothing from your partner. You are ready to put in your all (100%) to make it a success. No scorecards.

Each gives 100 per cent, expecting nothing from the other partner. Marriage is teamwork, with each partner contributing 100 per cent.

Having this mindset will reduce divorce rates drastically. Honest and sincere communication, which you must develop during courtship, cements the relationship.

Domestic violence is rampant these days. How do you think we would avoid it?

I firmly believe that people don’t transform into abusers. They are born of a woman and have siblings.

They are with and among us, eating, drinking, and gisting. But they are avoidable. This is one reason I wrote Before You Say I Do: Dangerous Signs People Ignore In Their Potential Spouse Before Getting into Marriage.

It is possible to recognize an abuser during courtship. They show you who they are, but people often blow past them or are ignorant that these signs constitute deal-breakers. I’m afraid that’s not right. It is essential to recognize them for what they are and resolve them before saying; I do. If not resolvable, walk away! A broken courtship is better than a broken marriage or one where you lose your life! I encourage all to get my e-book to learn more about these signs.

As a minister’s wife and marriage/relationship coach, what would you consider the best advice to the youths on marriage and relationships?

Again, I am not a marriage coach. But as a courtship coach, my advice is that youths need to invest in learning about and adequately preparing for marriage, particularly these days when domestic violence and negative narratives surrounding marriage are on the increase.

Gone are the days one says love is blind and blindly jumps into marriage. No. Love should be intentional. As my husband says, his love had big goggles.

Take a cue from Eneke-nti-oba, the bird who said because “Men have learnt to shoot without missing the mark. I have learnt to fly without perching on a twig.”

We cannot rely on our parents’ method of finding a spouse and expect to get a different result. No. It will produce the same type of marriage they had. Young people must intentionally invest in preparing for this all-important life institution.

They must learn from the mistakes of others and understudy people with solid experiences whose marriages are successful. Again, it cannot be over-emphasized that marriage, a union that can make or mar one for life, is too important to be left to chance.

If you desire something better, like Eneke-nti-oba, learn to use a different and intelligent process to lay a solid foundation. Prayer alone won’t cut it. As earlier stated, faith without works is dead. Neither would parental, pastoral choices or friend's suggestions alone do it.

How many books have you written? What are the challenges of writing and publishing them?

I have three books. Two are e-books, and 1 is a hard copy. I am currently writing a third e-book, Sex Taboos. Publishing a book is not something for the faint-hearted, and I greatly respect every author who has published a book. It is much more challenging when it is a physical copy.

When I finished writing my book, “Breaking Barriers”, I looked for a publisher who gave me a breakdown of the cost. It shocked me that the publishing cost was high and this was separate from printing costs!

"What! You mean publishing cost doesn’t include printing?" I asked. “Not at all. They are different,” was the response. Ah! Apart from publishing and printing, I have realized that the most challenging part is marketing. No one wants to write and publish a book for just themselves, family, and friends. People write because they believe they have a message to pass to a larger audience. But you must convince your intended audience that your book has a solution to their problems. Trust me, that’s not a simple thing to do.

I recently enrolled in a 30 Days Story Telling Course by Emeka Nobis to learn how to tell better stories. This is apart from his Academy, Your Book Will Sell, where I enrolled for 50k. This is a small price compared to what I stand to gain if I can sell my books. But how many are ready to invest in equipping themselves to market their books?

Give us an interesting, fun fact about your latest book, Breaking Barriers?

It has 6 languages represented: English, Gbagyi, Igbo, Hausa, Yoruba, and Pidgin English. It can also evoke various emotions: anger, joy, sadness, comfort, faith, resilience, determination, and much more.

The book is based on your personal experience in life and marriage? What inspired you to write about it?

I believe I had a unique story, and the world needed to hear it. The more I witnessed what marriage has become, the more I felt I should write my story. All I needed was the push which I finally got from  A Facebook private group, ‘Gals Hangout’ created by Dr Ejiro Otive-Igbuzor.

The realization that 34 years after my own marriage, some Nigerians still frowned upon and opposed intertribal marriages further motivated me to put pen to paper. Writing this book is my pushback on the ethnic prejudices that continually divide us as a people. I hope it will disabuse and free many minds from these pervading and prevailing misconceptions.

How long did it take you to write the book?

It took several months. But I believe this was so because, as I said earlier, I first wrote it on a private Facebook group, Gals Hangout. Members consistently pushed me to write it out in the space of 10 weeks because they were eager to read, and I didn’t want to disappoint. After that, I started the more tedious part of editing and rewriting.

Your other books on relationships, are their content based on some personal experiences too? If so, can you share a brief story about their writing?

My e-books contain a few personal stories here and there. As I write a book, I look within myself to see what I can share that will benefit others and help them solve their problems practically. I remember stories that have happened to me or others that add value to the content. People learn more through relatable stories. This is why I am taking the 30 Days Story Telling Course to become better at telling stories.

How will your book's content help your readers resolve a problem or benefit them in their relationship journey?

As I stated, I use practical and relatable stories to illustrate my point. I show my readers the path I or others took to achieve tangible results. People don’t have to repeat the mistakes of others, but learn and improve on them to make their journey lighter, better, and smoother.

What is your work schedule like when you’re writing?

As you know, I am a registered nurse and I work 10 to 12-hour shifts, five days a week. While writing ‘Breaking Barriers’, I was doing 12-hour shifts. I couldn’t change my schedule, but because of the Hangout, I knew people were waiting to read the next episode, so it helped me to stay consistent. Also, being a focused and committed person, I don’t enjoy disappointing people.

First, I used the weekends to write the outline of the story I wanted to include in the book. Then I took each part and wrote all I could remember about it. Once this was done, I would go for my 12 hours, return and look at the edits my husband did, accept, reject and fine-tune them, and then post to the group before I went to bed. The time difference worsened the situation, but as you can see, I arrived at my destination.

You have written many articles on health, wealth creation, and self-improvement. Should we expect books from you on them too?

I see you have researched me. [Laughs] I have e-books I wrote on wealth creation and health. I have thought about revisiting them, but I sometimes feel I should just focus on one thing—courtship. Well, I guess time will tell.

You’re a writer, a courtship coach, a lawyer, a nurse, and a wealth creation strategist. Then a farmer, if we add your latest planting of yams in American soil. How do you coordinate and manage this multi-talented, “no-nonsense” woman?

I wonder how I juggle all these. Sometimes it’s overwhelming. I guess it’s largely because of my personality. Since I don’t practice law in America, measurable goal setting is a tool I used to tackle the many things I do. I set immediate and long-term goals for what I want to achieve.

Then I do the activities that need to be done each day to reach the immediate and ultimately the long-term goals even when inconvenient. For example, I am determined to plant yams, knowing I must water them daily. So, I wake up early in the morning to do so. If unable to do it because I am running late for work, my husband helps. He offers a lot of support. 

I guess you missed out on one. I am also a wife.

I think because I rarely rely on motivation helps a great deal. I believe more in commitment. If something is on my schedule, I know it has to be done, so I do it whether or not I am motivated.

If you had to go back and do it all over, is there any aspect of your life/marriage you would want to change?

I would have wanted my marriage process not to have been as traumatic as it was.  And I would have wished my parents understood and given their consent and blessing. Also, I would have loved my siblings, friends, and family attended my wedding. My cousin, Naomi Baba Gbefwi, a retired nurse, believed strongly that all the trauma I went through before marriage may have caused a hormonal imbalance that led to my bleeding during the first trimester of my first pregnancy. My first child was born with a congenital malformation and lived for only 2 months and 28 days. It is certainly something I would have wanted to change if I could.