We all have the freedom to choose our own friends, lovers, and spouses. Unfortunately, a lot of people misuse this freedom by pursuing relationships without figuring out who they are, what they want, or need in a mate.
They allow "impulsive connections" and "happenstances" to dictate their relationship choices. That's the equivalent of going shopping without a list! You're likely to throw anything into your shopping cart including a toxic partner.
In fact, in today’s society, we are groomed to believe love should be the result of a "chance meeting" or stroke of luck that somehow crossed our path. It is this kind of philosophy that often leads to people ignoring red flags and experiencing unnecessary heartaches from a toxic relationship.
Some people even frown upon those who proactively seek out only those potential mates who possess the traits they desire. They see them as being selective. It is better to take your time to make the right choice than rush into a relationship and live unhappily ever after.
NINE WAYS TO DETERMINE IF A PERSON IS RIGHT FOR YOU
1. TRUST YOUR FEELING.
Yes, that’s the first rule, trust your feelings, your intuition, your gut instinct, it is a place deep inside of you, where you have ‘a feeling or a knowing’, that something is right or not right.
In the words of Eva Gizowska, "Trust your feelings when you meet someone new. They might seem perfectly charming and friendly, but if your sixth sense makes you feel uncomfortable – even if you can’t explain this logically, go with your intuition.”
Trusting your feelings might be the first step towards knowing if the person you’re in a relationship with now is actually the right mate for you. However, never separate your head from your heart when making relationship decisions. Intuition is a heartfelt sensation, so you still have to pay attention to your head. The purpose of the head is to protect the heart.
If there is no accord between your heart and your head, if the two are not mutually in agreement then there is a problem somewhere, you need to look closely into it.
2. IS THERE MUTUAL RESPECT.
Respect determines a lot in a relationship. Mutual respect in a relationship is important. Don’t sacrifice your self- respect in a relationship, if not you will lose your value and end up in a toxic relationship.
A mate who respects you will value your opinion and be willing to compromise on certain issues and not always act abusively. The person should be able to listen to your concerns and feelings non-judgmentally. The person should also appreciate you, share your successes and achievements sincerely with you.
3. IS THERE SIMILARITIES OF VALUES?
Values are the core essence of your life, what you believe in, what shapes your perceptions about life, what makes up who you are. So does your potential partner share the same values with you?
The person should be flexible enough to accommodate your values and respect them. A partner who wants you to compromise your values or change them, might not be the right person. Or if you try to change your values to please your partner to be in a relationship, it is a sign the person is not right for you. Don’t change your standard to fit into someone else’s life. Shared values are very important in a relationship.
4. DOES THE PERSON HAVE THE RIGHT QUALITIES
If you have an idea of what qualities you are looking for in a mate, it’s a big help. Qualities as in the right ones, there might be excellent qualities that may not be right for you; the qualities you desire should be intrinsic and realistic and not based on whimsical or peripheral ideas.
In as much you should look out for your desired qualities, don’t make an unrealistic shopping list of what you want and don’t go in search of perfectness or perfection, no one is perfect. But then you just don’t have to settle for anyone simply because he/she is available. Availability is not compatibility, your choice has to conform to some basic inert qualities of who you want in your life
Don’t set high expectations and scrutinize your intended partners through it, I tell you, they will always fall short of your expectations, you cannot get all you desired in one person, choose one you can tolerate his/her flaws and one that shares the same core values with you.
5. ARE YOU YOURSELF IN THE RELATIONSHIP
Your partner should appreciate and value your personality intoto; should tolerate your flaws and all. You should be able to feel comfortable around your partner and not be in a continual struggle to hide some aspect of your character. You should feel at ease, relaxed and free to be yourself in the relationship.
That is, you should not be afraid to act, or speak. You should be free to air your opinion without the fear of ridicule or intimidation.
You should not live in pretence or in fear of exposing who or what you are. Your mate has to accept your good part, your weakness and your faults without trying to change you to his/her taste.
6. EASY COMMUNICATION
Good and easy communication is the hallmark of any good relationship. Your partner should be someone you can really talk to and talk with, someone you can absolutely feel confident enough to open up to and tell everything about you, your hope, your fear and the intentions of your heart, I mean you can discuss everything under the sun with that person.
You should be able to argue or hold debt with your partner without fear of incurring the person’s ire. Your partner should be able to patiently correct you when you’re wrong and not insult your ignorance. And shouldn’t always want an argument to end in his/her favour.
7. DOES YOUR MATE STIMULATE YOUR MIND
Your mate should be able to stimulate your mind and have a positive influence on your life. The person should give you ample support to work on your dream in the relationship, you don’t have to postpone, forsake or restructure your dream because you are in a relationship.
8. DOES YOUR MATE MAKES YOU HAPPY
Does your partner make you happy, make you smile, laugh and feel good generally? And, do you actually feel loved in the relationship. Are you glad and grateful that the person will be part of your life? In addition, has life and living becomes better and more meaningful because the person is there.
9. IS YOUR MATE TRULY COMMITTED
Are you in the relationship alone? Are you planning and thinking about your future alone? Is your partner committed to everything about you, your life, your career, your aspirations, your hopes and your dreams? The person should be part of them for that will give you the confidence the person truly cares about you.
And so, to determine if someone is the right person for you takes time, and it goes beyond the initial attraction. It is very important that you give yourself time to study the person and situation before reaching that final decision. Never go into a relationship with anyone who treats you like you're ordinary or sees you as an option.
