Ways to tackle problems of a long-distance marriage/relationship

 

Life is still happening even though you are apart from the one you want to share life with. You can live your life normally and still enjoy your marriage. It’s a choice.

Though being in a long-distance relationship often means operating within a set of limitations. Like being married and living single without the freedom of singleness. 

But there are things you can do to counteract the downsides. And that is constantly working to improve your intimate relationship and leave no room for strife. 

There are many ways in which you can make your partner happy and strengthen the overall relationship. The ways in which individuals act and react to situations have a major effect on the satisfaction and the durability of the relationship. 

Conflict management

There is no hiding it, every relationship experiences conflicts once in a while. Whether you live on another side of the world or you live together. You will face challenges in your marriage/relationship, all it requires is for you to work together to overcome them. Couples in a long-distance relationship face almost the same challenges as couples who live near each other, 

We all go through tough times which are normal, couples who are together can resolve conflict quickly than long-distance couples because distance can mask the effects of some significant relational issues and as such prolong them.

If you’re in a long-distance relationship, it’s important you’re aware of the causes and solutions of these conflicting issues, so you can catch them earlier and deal with them.

Openness in sharing feelings & activities

When you are apart most of the time, you don’t get to have the advantage of non-verbal communication to gather information on how your partner is feeling without being told. This means that you and your spouse need to be more open about sharing your feelings and activities. You will also have to listen more carefully to each other and show empathy more overtly to build your intimacy. Romance is not only a physical thing. It incorporates the emotional side of a couple.

Try conveying your feelings openly and do not assume your partner will know, always be explicit to avoid miscommunication. When you learn to openly share your feelings and activities with your partner, then your long-distance relationship will be healthy and stronger.

 A woman told me her twenty-five years of marriage so far has been long distance, she and her husband are not good in sharing their feelings, I love you or I miss you is never in their communication repertoire. But they are transparent when they talk about their daily activities, the family and the children. Initially, her husband did the visiting, now her children are all grown and schooling in the East where her husband works and lives, they stay with him during the holidays and she visits.

When she moved to a new neighbourhood, she made sure all her new friends and neighbours knew she has a husband she loves and respects, who is constantly a part of her life. Though he rarely visits.  If you did give her something no matter how insignificant the gift was, her husband must hear of it and will call the person to express appreciation. Also, if she has issues or is in dispute with anybody, she will report to her husband and he will call the person involved to resolve it. In the event of anything before she takes action she must let her husband know.

Despite the distance, she said she felt closer to her husband more than most of her friends that are living together with their husbands. It wasn’t easy initially, especially when she was still giving birth to the children, staying awake most of the night to nurse a child. Waking up early to prepare the ones going to school, doing school runs and still running her business because the husband’s salary couldn’t carry the family responsibilities.

Regular visits are important.  

I wrote earlier that absence makes the heart grow fonder. But prolonged absence can make the heart grow sour and apart. To avoid this from happening, try to visit as often as possible. If you can’t physically visit, then try to communicate daily. But don’t assume daily communication will provide enough connect to hold the relationship together. Some will claim I used to call always. Bah! That’s not enough. Spending physical time with each other is still important, your relationship may thrive on communication, but it’s not the same as actually being with one another.

When you visit, try to share house tasks with your partner, let your presence be felt within and around the house. Some men when they visit their families, they don’t help with house chores and child care. They claim they’re home to rest and so should not be disturbed. As if the woman is a workhorse who doesn’t deserve rest too.

While growing up I have a friend who had a visiting dad, whenever the man was around they walk on eggshells around the house to avoid disturbing the man and getting punished, they only breathe with ease when he leaves. They dreaded their father’s visits.

Spend quality time together  

When you visit, make the moment count. Don’t use your precious moments to quarrel or engage in petite power tussles. Instead, focus on creating memorable moments with your partner and fun time with your children. Do activities together as a family that will strengthen the family connection and enable your children to get to know their parents better. It will also make them look forward and eagerly to your next visit.

You can raise a happy and healthy family even when geographically separated from your family. All it requires is commitment and a great deal of effort from both parties. 

Have positive interactions with each other 

Let your interactions with your better half be positive, supportive and appreciative. One emotional need of every individual is the need to be supported and appreciated for all their efforts whether small or big. Such actions will prompt them to do more.

In particular, couples living physically apart from each other need lots of appreciation, assurances to love and commitment either in words and gestures, from each other to live the life of singles happily

When you are away from your partner, struggling to meet life's demands, the least you can do for each other is to appreciate one another’s efforts towards keeping the relationship afloat..

Set A Timeline

There must be a timeline that points to the possibility of living together as a couple in the future. Hope is the lifeline of a long-distance relationship. Long-distance relationships are easier to endure if there is a plan to be together. If possible, have a plan on how long the separation will last, set goals and work towards an agenda that will make spending time apart as short as possible.

 But this hope and anticipation are for couples who have a healthy and happy relationship, not for those who see the separation as a blessing because of insurmountable relational issues that had made it impossible for them to co-exist peacefully under the same roof.

Trust Each Other  

A long-distance relationship cannot survive without trust.

The key to fostering and maintaining trust in a relationship is for both partners to be completely transparent and vulnerable: remember, both of you are miles away physically, it’s likely you will go through problems of trust when such happens, react in the right manner, resolve it with wisdom and understanding.

Pray for each other

It will take humility, self-discipline, love, and commitment to each other and prayer, to tackle long-distance issues. Having the fear of God and committing your relationship into His hand; praying for one another constantly is necessary. Often, it takes the grace of God for couples to survive the temptations inherent in living apart.

Use social communication methods 

Couples are taking advantage of technology to help them bridge the gap of separation. Writing letters is how couples exchange meaningful information long distances in the olden days. Today, communication is easier and faster with the popularity of the internet, cell phone and  social networks such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and the rest

Using mobile devices, and internet service, have altered long-distance relationships and make it less challenging to sustain.  Many long-distance couples today can stay in constant touch wherever they are, and the communication technologies available to them allow them to share even the most mundane details. This gives couples more opportunities to talk about things that can create closeness and make separation less stressful and more enduring.

Don’t give up hope 

Problems in a long-distance relationship can be manoeuvred with the right levels of maturity.

 Maturity is a key to maintaining a long-distance relationship 

If you are not mature enough to handle issues in a calm and collected manner, you will hurt each other adversely,

If you’re experiencing some long-distance relationship problems, don’t give up hope. While serious issues are unavoidable, know that every problem has a solution. Your relationship will survive if both of you really work hard to make it a success. Once you're married you share something precious, something eternal, don’t lose it or allow the distance to rob you of its joy. If you love each other genuinely, no distance can separate you.

It is all in your hands. Even if you are miles apart or close to each other, only YOU can make your marriage a happy and healthy one.

Challenges Of Long-Distance Marriage/Relationship

 

When you got married, you looked forward to building a home together with your spouse, taking care of your family and watching your children grow up together. But along the way life happened, and you got separated. It might happen if one spouse is posted to another city or country and the other chooses or is forced to remain behind due to financial constraints or for the sake of their children to continue schooling in a familiar environment.

Or one partner decides to move to another city or country in search of better opportunities, in this case, circumstances in life have forced the couple to make hard decisions which they never expected from the onset.

Probably, both of you are working in different cities and met, fall in love and braced the odds by getting married. After the wedding you remained apart until one was finally able to join the other, this may take months or years to achieve.

It may be that one partner is still in school in another city while the other is either working or doing business in a different city which made it impossible for them to live together as a couple for a duration of time. They are compelled to live apart for a purpose.

In some cases, you married an abroad husband or wife and it has not been easy to get a visa for your partner to join you and so you're forced to live in different countries.

All these different scenarios are what is referred to as long-distance marriages/relationships. A long-distance marriage/relationship is an intimate relationship between partners who are geographically separated from one another and so does not relate face-to-face  

It is also a situation whereby both partners in a marriage are living in different geographical locations and see little of each other. In some cases, the decision to live apart is by choice and in some cases, the couples are forced to make that choice by circumstances of life.. They may agree to make such a sacrifice as a family in order to meet the family’s needs adequately.

Education and the search for a better income are mostly the reason for couples to live apart. It is a known fact that many couples today experience marriages in which to keep their employment means they spend most of their time apart. Such couples have a hard time balancing their relationships and their work apart from each other. The pressure to cope with the emotional strain of separation can be hard especially on newly married/younger couples who are still establishing their family. 

However, whichever way the separation came about, it is not always an easy pill to swallow and it always leaves a bitter residue in the mouth. In addition to the normal difficulties of being in a relationship. Long-distance marriage takes an extra emotional and physical toll on couples, 

Some challenges of long-distance marriage/relationship

Lack of physical intimacy

It is the most common challenge couples in long-distance marriage endure. Aside from the loneliness, lack of physical intimacy includes No touching. No cuddling and, No sex. All the things that fan the flames of a romantic relationship are made impossible by the distance.

Also, when you are apart, you miss out on all the non-verbal communication that tells you the mood and feelings of your spouse with just a glance. 

When you’re together. You share tidbits of information about your day, about happenings in your workplace or business environment. This daily exchange gives you an inkling into how your spouse is feeling even when they don’t tell you all the details. Couples in long-distance marriages don’t enjoy such privilege in their relationships.

Lack of real-time intimacy

When you and your partner stay together and go through the daily routine and demands of sharing your personal space with each other, rifts between you both are invertible and there will be arguments and small fights now and then. Such daily interactions are sometimes obnoxious and sometimes unpleasant. But they create moments of bonding as the couple strive to learn and accommodate each other's differences. 

With time they will understand each other and develop a certain nonpassionate intimacy towards each other. This will lead to a situation where one partner will start a sentence and the other completes it, they think and speak like synchronised apps, this only happens when two people have spent too much quality time around each other to build real-time intimacy.

You don’t get a sense of this type of real-time intimacy in a relationship until you’re in it, in person and have a good number of years of togetherness. Couples in long-distance relationships never have this bonding or real-time intimacy with each other. Distance prevents this type of intimacy bonding from forming  between them

When two people are apart, it’s easy to idealize and overlook the mundane, and little gestures that build up their relationship. And when they eventually come together, staying together might require adjustment.

 The Effect On Family Dynamism

Long-distance marriage negates the meaning of coupling in a relationship, it creates an imbalance in the home. Instead of the couple to strive together side by side to build their family, they strive individually in separate locations. In some cases, the burden of responsibility tends to tilt more towards one partner which might cause discord over time.

Long-distance relationships affect the dynamics of the family setting. Having an absentee partner is difficult for the family especially when children are involved.  The left-at-home spouse takes responsibility for all the family’s needs. In some cases, the partner had to juggle family responsibilities and work/business.

In addition to being left behind with the children. The partner also has to play a double role to cushion the imbalance the absence of the other partner might cause in the family. The transition from having both parents together to now having one around can be traumatic. Children tend to experience emotional problems when such changes occur in the family.

In some instances, some women had to go through childbirth and rearing alone, having visiting husbands who contributed little or nothing in the practical upbringing of the children and so share no physical or emotional bonding with their children.

Growing apart

Couples in a long-distance marriage develop two separate lives. When they’re away from each other, they grow individually; instead of being part of a team, they’re each solo player. People change and grow and sometimes one partner may not be compatible with the others' change and growth. This is because they did not make the changes together like couples living together. Doing things alone all the time can start to feel normal and natural. 

When they eventually come to live together, ten or twenty years later they each discover they have to relearn what it’s like to live alongside each other. Absence, they say makes the heart grow fonder. Sure! But prolonged absence can make the heart grow sour and apart.  Out Of Sight Can Still Be Out Of Mind.

Trust 

Trust is another problem in a long-distance/ relationship that pulls couples mentally and emotionally apart causing rift more than the physical distance.

Long-distance relationships thrive upon trust. If you both live apart from each other, you must have a very clear understanding of where you stand in each other's life.

Insecurity 

Another downside of long-distance relationships is uncertainty, especially where trust is an issue. Most especially for those still in the courtship stage of their relationship.

Because you have not yet taken the vow, it’s likely that you will experience uncertainty towards each other, being far away. From time to time questions will arise in your heart, “Is this all worth it?” “Does she/he still feel the same way about me as she/he did before?” “Is he/she secretly meeting another woman/man without me knowing?” “Am I fooling myself waiting for the person?” “Will it really work out between us?.”

The longer you stay apart, the more these uncertainties grow and it can snowball into a crisis that can undermine your relationship, 

Married couples are not exempted from uncertainties. Infidelity is a big issue for couples living together, how much more when they live apart from each other. “Body no be firewood”, is a slogan used by people living apart to justify their act of infidelity.

Yes, we cannot deny the fact that long-distance relationships are hard. Some couples suffer problems those living together might not encounter... 

Every relationship requires hard work to survive though, but couples in a long-distance relationship have to work smarter to keep their marriage going. When you're with the right person and you truly love and care about each other, you will definitely find ways to make your relationship work and survive the distance. If your love is genuine, nothing, not even distance can separate you.

Salute! Mother Africa (Poetry)

 

 Africa, God’s Golden Fleece

A Continent carved out of Glory

Enriched with fertile soil on which the world grow

Decked with bronze, embedded with gold, crowned with ivory

The land with green pastures, flowing with milk and honey

 

Africa, old as the Dinosaurs

The land of lands, mother of the lands

Where culture, heritage , tradition are overflowing ripples

A relief of hospitality, sanctuary for harmony and peace

 

Africa, the cradle of civilization

A land of abundance, where the rain wet ,

And the sunshine nurtures what we sow

Africa, the jewel cherished by people of great favor and dreams

A land where great heroes were first raised

A land of hope, where smiles and opportunity reflects it’s dimple

 

I am an African

Not because I was born there ,

Nor my skin is black

Or I live in it’s soil

But because,

My heart beats with Africa

My mind is merged by Africa

And my soul at home in Africa

 

In her agony,

My cheeks are stained with tears

In her triumph,

My feet are alive with dancing

In her weariness,

My hands are joined in prayer

When she honors her elders

My heads are bowed in respect

 

I am an African

She is the cradle of my birth

Nurturer of ancient wisdom

Her blue skies take my breath away

And my hope for the future is bright

The land of my tomorrow

I recognize her gift as sacred

And I’m proud to be an African

This is  a poem written by  chinenye chukwujekwe, A guest writer