Rhythms of Love and Life(Poems)

About the book

Love is the beat and the emotional lyric that gives life expression. The breath of love makes the rhythms of life poetic. Poems are catalogues of our life’s journeys and our love stories. Life and love are complicated, and poetry brings out this complication succulently. 

Life is a beautiful and complex experience encompassing a range of emotions, from love and joy to sorrow and grief. Whether we are saying goodbye to a loved one or welcoming a new life into the world, poetry can capture the essence of these moments and give them a sense of buoyancy and grace. 

Every celebration, sorrowful or joyful, has rhythms to them. With poetry, we celebrate life with all its thrills, turbulence, and hullabaloo. And love, with its sweetness, sting of sourness and heartbreak. 

By harnessing the power of language and imagery, we create eulogies with poems to express our deepest emotions. 

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CH8TVC5G

Review of Building Intimacy By John Chinaka Onyeche

Romantic love has a hidden desire and is possessive. With time, feelings such as jealousy, impatience, misunderstanding, lust, discord, and strife rock the relationship. Because physical qualities and desires are the foundation, it topples. When the chemistry and attraction dry up, love shrinks, and we notice and point out negative things and hold grudges." - Ngozi Ebubedike. Building Intimacy. 

Picking up this book written for Love, I have often asked myself a thousand and one questions as to know if I should read the book or just let it be because it is for love/lovers which I can only see myself out of the entire story of love/loving to an extent. 

Ngozi's insights on love and intimacy expanded my understanding of what love should be. Each chapter prompts introspection and provides answers that come like a powerful gust of wind.

How else should a work of art hold you bound, I leave such a question from this wonderful book for you to answer after reading it. 

Starting from the first chapter to the last, Ngozi held her readers with care and helped them walk through the lanes and lens of a retrospective moment to know from where they have fallen from this emotion called love/loving. 

I - intentionally

N - nurture 

T - traits 

I - inclined to 

M - motivate 

A - affectionate 

C - comradeship 

Y - your partner 

This is her definition of intimacy and if you truly go through it, you will believe me that many of us are nowhere to be found in this thing called love/loving. 

I think I should be using "Loving", instead of love. 

From its forward, there was this scenario that was created to depict what most of us call intimacy or love in short. 

'The sales girl gave us a different taste of each with disposable plastic mini cups to help us choose. We sipped, trashed the cup, and waited to sample the next one. That is how modern-day relationships have reduced the integrity of love.' 

Pictures upon pictures of what deplorable condition our human world has left love to and the aftermath of this negative impact of everyone tasting and not for the sake of maintenance but 'since it is plenty in the market, let me see the next one' mindset is wracking havocs already. 

"in today's world, genuine love is in short supply, and intimacy is a lesser travelled route. People no longer have long-term plans for relationships. They are after the here-and-now thrills."  

For me, this is a must-come-back-to-read book of all time and I will be glad to recommend it to you if you have anything to do with finding and maintaining an intimate relationship with anyone. Add this book to your shelf and thank me later. 

Finally, in her exact words, "We put much stock in finding a partner for a relationship. But after a short while, we forget why we are in a relationship and discard all the show of care and affection exhibited at the beginning." 

Go get your copy of this book today and find out more than I can write here. 

https://selar.co/16i3w0

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CD125J4L

One-sided relationship

What Is a One-Sided Relationship?

Are you putting more effort into your relationship than your partner? Are you investing more energy and time into making the relationship work? Are you always the one reaching out, doing all the texting, calling, and planning of dates? If the answer is yes, you're probably in a one-sided relationship. 

A one-sided relationship is a situation where one partner is carrying most of the responsibilities; financially, physically, emotionally, and mentally. It is also a situation where one partner has strong feelings or affection for someone who does not share those feelings with them. 

An imbalance in action, emotional investment, and mutuality of feelings between partners characterised a one-sided relationship. 

It is emotionally challenging and potentially toxic for one partner in a romantic relationship to shoulder most of the shared activities, or take care of most of the duties the couple should share equally. For a relationship to be healthy and balanced it requires effort from both partners. 

Because of this imbalance, the person doing all the work often feels resentful, which can be emotionally and physically draining. 

A mutual, and satisfying relationship provides stability and security. But a one-sided relationship lacks the healthy balance required for stability. 

When one partner works harder than the other to keep the relationship afloat, with time the connection, the amount of effort, energy, communication, emotional, or financially input will dissolve because the imbalance is only sustainable for a while. Loneliness, frustration, resentment, anger, insecurity and other emotions will surface with time.

Twelve signs that show you're in a one-sided relationship:

Unequal Effort: One partner always puts in more effort, starts contact, plans activities, or shows more affection, while the other partner shows little emotion and put no effort to make the relationship vibrate. When the other person doesn’t seem to care or doesn't put in much effort, you feel you're forcing a connection. It leaves you doubting their intentions, commitment, and investment in the relationship. 

Lopsided Communication: One partner dominates conversations, and always dismisses or ignores the other's opinions, feelings, and interests. Or one partner is constantly initiating activities and communication because the other partner expects you to start interactions, and make plans for what you do together. Though some people are better at communicating and planning than others it doesn’t mean you should be the only one putting effort to keep the relationship alive. Your partner should at least put in some effort and show commitment.

Lack of Reciprocity: One partner consistently seeks emotional or practical support, but rarely provides the same level of support when the other partner needs such. Also, when affection, care, or support is mostly or entirely one-sided, with little or no reciprocation from the other partner. When you constantly crave their attention and care and never get it. 

In a balanced relationship, you don’t need to work for time and attention from your partner. Instead, both should want to connect physically and emotionally if the interest is mutual. 

One-Way Sacrifices: One partner consistently makes sacrifices or compromises to accommodate the other's needs or desires, while the other is indifferent. You sacrifice everything to make your partner happy; you ignored your wants and needs just to hold up the relationship and you make excuses all the time to exonerate your partner’s behaviour. That's a sign you are compromising and sacrificing too much for someone who doesn't value you or the relationship as much as you do. 

Emotional Unavailability: One partner is emotionally distant, avoids sharing feelings, or minimises the importance of the relationship, leaving the other partner feeling unsupported. Or where your partner uses your emotions or feelings to manipulate you to their advantage, without genuine care or commitment. They are never emotionally available.

Self-Centeredness: One partner primarily focuses on their own needs, goals, and interests, while disregarding or undermining the other partner's aspirations. They rarely initiate anything that would be to your benefit. If the other partner is insecure, they try to control the other by limiting their contact with family and friends and dictating how they should live their life.

Limited Time and Attention: Your partner consistently prioritises other activities, hobbies, or friendships over spending quality time with you, making you feel unimportant and unwanted in the relationship. They never have time enough for you or pay attention to your feelings and moods.

Lack of Appreciation: Your partner rarely acknowledges or expresses gratitude for the efforts and contributions you made in the relationship. They show a lack of interest, disinterest, or indifference toward your feelings or well-being.

Decision-Making Disparities: Your partner consistently makes important decisions without consulting or considering your opinions, leading to feelings of exclusion. This often leads to emotional distress, insecurity, and frequent fluctuations between hope and disappointment. Or maybe you are the one to make most major relationship decisions while your partner doesn’t care either way or shrug off the responsibility of making important decisions altogether. So you carry the weight of almost all the important decisions on your shoulder with little or no input from your partner.

Weaponised Incompetence: Your partner intentionally put up actions designed to burden you with responsibilities they don’t want to deal with. It is a situation where your partner feigns an inability to perform basic tasks and so shifts the burden of responsibility to you and conveniently gets out of contributing or investing their time and effort in the relationship.

Making Excuses: You are the one to apologise, whether or not you are at fault, after a conflict or argument, in other to keep the relationship going without your partner taking responsibility for their actions. If your partner is always twisting your words or making you feel guilty for expressing your feelings or resentment, you're most likely in a toxic, one-sided relationship. 

You should never have to apologise or feel ashamed for seeking support, especially from your partner.

Lack of Intimacy. How do you connect intimately with your partner? Does your partner shower you with physical affection like cuddling or holding hands? Do you share an intellectual connection over books or movies? Intimacy is not just sexual. If your partner is not interested in sharing intimate moments with you, it means the relationship is probably a one-sided one.

Causes Of One-Sided Relationships

Sometimes relationships are one-sided because one partner is manipulative or toxic. In other cases, however, a variety of factors can contribute to a relationship becoming one-sided.

Poor Communication Skills

One or both partners struggle with sharing their feelings, needs, and preferences. Practising and improving communication skills can help increase clarity, and proffer solutions, responses, and opportunities to repair and rebuild the relationship if that is the desire of both partners.

Insecurity

One partner is afraid of losing the relationship if they don't take care of everything themselves. This leads to them taking on an imbalanced share of responsibility in the relationship.

Conflicting Expectations

Each partner has a set of ideas about what a relationship means and what they hope to get out of it. If you are more committed and dedicated to the relationship than your partner is, it is bound to feel one-sided. Sometimes one-sided relationships occur because of a lack of communication and clarity about expectations, hopes, and feelings.

Personal Problems

If one partner is dealing with stress or battling symptoms of a mental health condition, it can play a role in how they act in a relationship. They may not give their partners the attention they need because they are grappling with personal issues.

Attachment Syndrome

Attachment syndrome can play a role in how people behave in romantic relationships. Someone with a serious attachment problem may worry that the other person does not feel as strongly as they do.

This can lead to one partner becoming clingy and enmeshed in the relationship while the other tries to get away from it as best as possible. In romantic relationships, this type of behaviour often leads one partner to become emotionally dependent on the other.

Impact of One-Sided Relationship

One-sided relationships are toxic, especially when one partner is intentionally taking advantage of the other. Some of the damaging effects of this type of relationship include:

Increased stress: The stress of being in this type of relationship takes a toll on both your physical and mental health. While healthy relationships act as protective buffers against stress, research has found that some relationships create stress that is harmful to your health. Issues like insomnia, anxiety, depression, and decreased immunity are a few of the potentially detrimental effects of excessive stress. 

Feelings of loneliness: Besides the stress of doing most of the work in the relationship, the lack of mutual effort can leave one partner feeling isolated. They might not be able to talk to the other partner about their feelings or the problem they are dealing with.

Low self-esteem: The disappointment one partner experiences in a one-sided relationship leaves them feeling rejected, unsupported, and unloved. This can make it hard for them to feel confident and secure in the relationship. Constantly pursuing someone who does not reciprocate your feelings can take a toll on your self-esteem, leading to feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness.

Unhealthy Obsession: Disproportionate preoccupation, and investing a significant amount of time and energy into someone who does not feel the same can be detrimental to your well-being. You may unintentionally neglect other relationships or essential aspects of your life while obsessing over unrequited love.

Frequently worrying about the relationship, and craving more connection but accepting the crumbs of affection your partner offers, diminishes your worth in the relationship.

Inability to Move On: Finding it hard to let move on from the person, even when it is clear they do not share the same feelings, shows a toxic attachment.

Emotional Dependency: Relying heavily on your partner for happiness or emotional fulfilment, rather than finding it within yourself contributes to a one-sided relationship. If you find yourself in a toxic one-sided love situation, prioritise your well-being by distancing yourself from the person and focusing on your growth and happiness.

How your relationship makes you feel is the most important red flag. In one-sided relationships, you’re likely to feel anxious, empty, lonely, misunderstood, insecure, or resentful. If you feel you are more committed to your relationship or investing more time, energy, or effort, do an honest assessment of the situation, look at your options, and decide if the relationship is worth saving or moving on with your life. A one-sided relationship isn't healthy for either partner. 

Relationships require give and take and compromise to achieve balance and function correctly. 

Everything mustn't be shared equally to create a balance in the relationship, but if you are striving harder to make your relationship work, you need to address the issues with open communication or seek professional guidance to determine the best course of action. A lack of communication and clarity about expectations hopes, and feelings sometimes foster one-sided relationships. Open communication also allows you to work through barriers or conflicts to grow stronger as a team. A loving relationship with shared values and commitment makes you feel safe, loved, confident, connected, understood, and secure. 

Sacrifice of Peace by Chike. G. Okeze (Reviewed by Ngozi Ebubedike)

Sacrifice of peace is set in a remote village in the eastern part of Nigeria. The book explores some myths and superstitions prevalent in our society, especially in some parts of Igbo land, where it is believed that a woman who experiences delay in getting married or giving birth is because she has a spiritual or marine husband. She would need to undergo some cleansing rites and sacrifice to free her from the gripe of a spirit husband. This brings to mind Elechi Amadi’s book, The Concubine.

When Arunma fails to give birth after many years of marriage, Ugonna, her husband and Ahurole, her mother urged her to undergo a sacrificial cleansing to break the covenant between her and her marine husband, to which she reluctantly agreed. After that, she gave birth to the much-awaited child, Amadi, but at the expense of her husband’s life.

Amadi, the protagonist of the story is known for his brave acts in his village of Umueze. After the death of his mother, he went to live with his maternal grandmother, Ahurole, at Umuagu village where he meet and falls in love with Udoka from Achala, a neighbouring village. Blinded by his love for Udoka, Amadi disregards the communal feud between the two communities and the inherent danger of being caught and killed by members of Achala community, to pursue the love of his life.

The book is replete with folklore as Ahurole, Amadi’s grandmother is a great storyteller. The scene of the children gathering around a bonfire to listen to the elderly woman is very nostalgic for people who grew up in the village and a reminiscence of tales by moonlight, the stories are told under the illuminating light of a full moon. The thrilling aspect of the folklore is the singing and the responding choruses by the children.

The author, Chike Okeze shows through his book, Sacrifice of Peace, that embracing peace is more beneficial to communities than war and animosities. And that love is stronger than hatred.

The chapters flow seamlessly in simple and understandable English spiced with Igbo words, idioms and proverbs. Chike Okeze showcases the cultural ambience of the Igbo tradition. 

The author deviated from the usual practice of using opening and closing quotes to mark direct speeches, however, it was not sustained as there are quotation marks in some of the direct speeches.

The book is a good read for both young and old. It gives an insight into some of our culture, traditional beliefs and rites. Also, the theme of love and romance were well crafted in the book.

Setting goals for your relationship.

It’s that time of the year when people make New Year's resolutions or plans for the year. In making your plans or resolutions for the year, don’t leave your relationship behind, it is the pivotal wheel of your life. If you’re happy and comfortable every other aspect of your life will align to give you peace of mind.

If you do not feel happy, secure, and valued, in your relationship this is the time to do something about it. This year, evaluate your relationship, set goals and make plans to overhaul and improve on it to get value.

Having a good relationship gives off a beautiful feeling. To maintain this feeling, you have to work with your partner to strengthen the bond of your relationship.

Also, if your relationship has lost its lustre and is in a stale mode, try to revamp and add more spark to your relationship To add spark to your relationship and ensure it doesn’t die out, all you have to do is set relationship goals.

What are relationship goals?

Relationship goals are the aims and inputs that a couple wants to achieve and experience in their relationship. It is also a set target a couple looks forward to achieving to build a stronger and healthier bond.

How to work on your relationship goals

Create time for your partner and make it a daily ritual to connect, communicate and share the details of your day with your partner. It’s important to sit together to share what each other went through for the day. Listening very carefully, and being present while your partner is talking, try to remove any form of distraction. Be free and open, talk your heart out.

* Though love is the backbone of every relationship, however, friendship plays just an important role in promoting a healthy relationship. Work on your friendship and have your partner’s back at all times. Becoming each other’s best friend promotes comfort when you two are having a conversation, joking around and cherishing each moment just like you would with your besties.

* Keep your sex interesting. Don’t let it be a dull and monotonous activity. Look for ways to spice things up and work hard to please each other in bed.

* Build more support channels for each other. When things go wrong, don’t engage in blame war, rather strive to have each other’s back no matter what and support each other in the darkest times.

*Do something new once a month. It’s never good to remain the same as monotony is terrible for relationships. Go the extra mile to keep things fast-paced and exciting in your relationship.

* Take extra care of how you look at least once a month by staying on top of your fashion game because the single biggest killer of any relationship is a drab, boring, and dull presence that your partner might lose interest in very quickly.

* Handle conflicts with patience. Remember that conflict is inevitable in a marital relationship. Instead of avoiding problems and conflicts, you should adopt a collaborative, problem-solving mindset to ensure you’re always ready to resolve conflicts when they arise.

Conclusion

No one is perfect, so there is nothing like a perfect relationship. A genuine love relationship is making a conscious decision to accommodate your partner, their weakness and vulnerabilities.

Every relationship is a work in progress and there is always room for improvement and growth, that's why you need to evaluate your relationship from time to time to improve on it.

If you’re not happy or satisfied with your relationship, you can work to improve it to get the happiness and satisfaction you want.

Right and wrong motives for a relationship

 At the heart of every human being is the need for companionship, partnership, care, attention, affection, and love. No one really wants to be alone. Ideally, the essence of a relationship is finding that special someone to share your needs, desires and the burdens of everyday life. 

Relationships are a NEED meeting mechanism. That’s for real. We all have needs to satisfy and meet which alone we can not satisfy or meet. The only way to get them fulfilled is through interaction with others when we relate with them.

Relationships provide avenues for solving different human needs. There are as many kinds of relationships as there are different human needs to meet. 

When circumstances connect two people, there is always a motive behind the union, defined or undefined. Each is bringing into the relationship a Need, they hope to be fulfilled. It is only when people openly and clearly put out their needs and there is an understanding of what each partner needs that the relationship moves on without many games or tricks. 

However, games and tricks arise when people hide their motives or rather their needs behind a facade of affection and love. When the purpose of a thing is not well defined or known, resentment and abuse are inevitable. When the needs or desires of partners in a relationship are not well defined, it would be steeped in games, tricks and emotional exploitation. 

In every relationship, the motive behind the show of affection determines the direction the relationship would go, and this propels every action and decision people make or take in the relationship. People come together to form intimacy for different motives, which might be for love, fun, pleasure, companionship, social benefits, comfort, as a placeholder, “take hold body”, situationship and so many other reasons.

But relationships for pleasure, for the benefit, for comfort, or based on the emotions of true love and affection are the four basic ones. Others are anchored on these.

Whatever be the motive for the relationship, love is always a word used to cover a variety of feelings, needs and emotions, but believe me, love in its truest sense is far from the core of most relationships. 

Relationships based on pleasure. 

Passion and sexual gratification spur this type of relationship. One partner is only interested in the sexual thrills, fun, and the idea of being in a relationship. No real deep emotional attachment and the personal attributes of the other person are of very little importance. Such relationships have no deep roots. Any slight wind of discord disintegrates them. Some are usually short-lived.

Sometimes, one partner regards the other as a placeholder unknown to them. What the other desires is someone around for sexual satisfaction. They call when they require your service and compensate you with cash gains and gifts.

For sure, this type of affair is manipulative and demanding. Here, people give to get something in return even if they don’t admit it. 

When a young girl becomes a side chic to a married man, often, love isn’t the main course, probably a side dish to sweeten the affair. The woman needs social benefits, or comfort financially. And the man wants pleasure and sexual satisfaction out of the bargain. When both of them maintain their lane and play their roles adequately, the relationship lingers for a time.

Relationships based on benefit 

These types of relationships depend on the usefulness of one partner to the other and what they stand to gain from each other. This type of relationship is based on personality and possession.

The inner personal constitution of the other person is of little or no importance. The outer personality is more important and valuable.

This is because the primary concern is the benefits to be derived from the liaison based on the person’s outward clout. 

Materialism and social benefits are the bedrock on which this type of relationship is built. What runs through the mind of people in such a relationship is what personal satisfaction, business ties, social benefits, connection, or financial increase they stand to gain?

The guy has money and social clout and you went into the relationship for the tapping that comes from dating him.

The lady is beautiful, from a very influential and affluent family, and dating her adds some financial and social values to your status.

Fine girl, he uses you for ego-stroking. when he sees a girl more beautiful or more valuable to him, he dumps you. The guy is loaded, a cash cow or the goose that lays golden eggs for her. When she meets another guy with more money than you, she follows the money. Some people go after higher winds and status elevation.

A guy once told me he would not marry a girl he would struggle with or be responsible for her family's needs. He wanted a girl who has made it or from a wealthy family. To him, love is overrated, wealth and comfort first before love. For years, he searched and found his ideal wife. When he thought his wife’s family would take care of his needs, he discovered that once married; he had to fend for himself and his wife. All the promises made to him never came through. With time, resentment set in because the union did not meet his expectations and needs. The marriage collapsed after a few years.

A relationship based on benefit or pleasure has money, sex and connection as key factors for the union. Many people confess love to have access to sex, while some confess love for money and other trappings of wealth. The word, “I love You”, has no weight and value in such relationships.

The fact the word “love” is thrown around doesn’t make it a genuine love relationship. Love is not the binding cord, nor is it the motive for the relationship. Feelings based on personal pleasures and gains of the moment and never true love and affection regulate these relationships. 

They are transitory and have no depth and no future because when the motives for forming them are no longer realised; they crumble. When one’s desire is fulfilled and the other is unfulfilled, then there is no fair play. The one with unfulfilled desires would feel cheated and would want out of the relationship.

Relationships based on comfort

Here, what brought the partners together are the little niceties of life that bring material comfort at the moment.

Women are attracted to men who have what it takes to make them comfortable. Most women love to live in luxury and have all expenses paid by a wealthy partner.

And so are some men these days. They are after women that are capable of providing them with material comfort. Like a young man of twenty-five years telling me to connect him with a woman of my age grade who has money, so she would take care of him financially.

In relationships, people settle for many average things because they’re conveniently comfortable at the moment, forgetting that the wind of change might blow such conveniences off the shelves tomorrow. When the need for comfort is no longer foreseeable, which is the bedrock of the relationship, what then happens?

Comfort is not just about material things alone. It can be an emotional release from stress and stressors. Emotional comfort is one reason most men keep side chicks according to a man. He said he has a troublesome wife at home, so he has a girlfriend by the side who makes him happy. The emotional comfort he drives from staying with her helps keep his sanity intact. In return, he keeps her financially comfortable.

In this type of arrangement, things could only go topsy-turvy when each party’s different expectations for the relationship are not met.

Relationships based on the emotion of love.

 Here, love and affection pour forth from one to the other, irrespective of personality or possession. When two people love each other greatly that it does not matter who the other is or what he/she possesses, then they are in a state of love.

A psychoanalyst, Harry stack Sullivan defines the state of love as: “When the satisfaction or the security of another person becomes as significant to one as one’s own satisfaction or security, then the state of love exists.”

A relationship based on the state of love, similarities of emotion and affection for each other are the best and most lasting motive for a relationship. When some couldn’t get this level of connection, they settle for what is available. This is because believing in the illusion of love is better than not being loved at all. 

In a true love-based relationship, to love is more important than being loved. If the other person truly loves you as well, they will reflect the same feelings towards you. It becomes a union of love, where love is given for love. However, any time each party feels he/she is not getting enough of that love, the relationship is in jeopardy of disintegration, too.

When the need is love and affection and is being given in an equal exchange, where both are givers and receivers, the relationship flourishes and both partners are happy.

Intimate relationships based on love have no bounds, no restrictions and are not limited by conditions. In a true love-based relationship, everything should be given and done unconditionally, without the expectation of reward or manipulation of feelings. Genuine love asks for nothing but the reciprocation of love. 

Your partner gives you love and attention; does things for you without asking for anything in exchange. The person gives from the abundance of love in his/her heart. The person doesn’t want to use you to secure some of their desires. By giving and doing, the person is also meeting his/her needs. It is an overflowing sharing of their heart with their partners.

Loving another person is a selfless act. When you love someone, you put them first and work towards understanding their wants and needs and how to help the person get them. Very imperative if you want the relationship to work with less stress.

Honestly ask yourself what is the motive behind the relationship you are into presently? The answer you get is the binding cord of your relationship.

Foundations for a healthy marriage.

Every weekend and some weekdays people celebrate marriages. Every day, marriages are collapsing around us. As more people are rushing in, more people are rushing out. Marriage is going extinct, so some say and one wonders, is it the dead or dread of marriage that brings about the disintegration of the institution of marriage?

Marriage is instituted for a happily-ever-after, that is the concept, that is what every couple has in mind as they take the vows. However, the dreamy eye brides soon discover that the bed of roses they envisioned has thorns in it and the prickle soon shocks them to wakefulness. What they see and the experience becomes different from their expectation and perception. All because people go into marriage with the wrong impression.

Some people enter the “marriageship”, for unhealthy reasons. This is where the problem lies because before they finish saying I do, the marriage is already heading toward an iceberg that will shatter and sink it. It’s just a matter of time.

Before you propose or say yes, first ask yourself some relevant questions like:  

Am I ready for marriage?

Is he/she who I want to spend the rest of my life with? 

What are my beliefs about love? 

Not many people marry for happily-ever-after or marry for true love. Marriage is meant to be a lifelong partnership.

There are those who enjoy their partners- and by extension their marriage and those who endure their partners and by extension their marriage,

Whether you enjoy or endure your partner depends on the foundation on which your marriage was planted. As the saying goes. “What you sow is what you will reap.”

Did you accept the marriage proposal for the right reason or for the wrong reason?

Accepting a proposal for the wrong reasons included:

Pressure from friends and family.

Don’t ever be with someone because you’re pressured to accept the person. The only reason you should ever consider marrying the person is simply that you love being with the person. 

Often friends and family pressure you to get married because you have reached the age of getting married. Everyone is on your neck, to please them and ease the pressure you succumb to it and marry the first person that comes your way or the one recommended for you.

To live happily-ever-after, marry because you have found the right person to settle down with. Someone you feel you can share your life and personal space with.

Single and desperate.

Because you’re single and feel the time is no longer on your side, and you see yourself as a soon-to-be expired commodity, you settle for the first person that comes along. All you want is to be married, to who is of no great consequence to you. 

But the consequences of your hasty action will come eventually and make you regret the marriage. In the end, you feel your partner is not good enough, which leads to resentment and insecurity.

 As the saying goes, marry in haste and regret at leisure.

 Marrying for image or family name. 

The marriage will look good on paper, will bring business dividends, will unite the family, and the roll call of the attendees is the cream of the society. It’s everything considered good, but not because the two people involved actually love and admire each other.

Remember, it’s all in the photo, pictures that will become memorabilia, guests that will go home to their lives. 

You end up with the butt of a family scheme as a partner. This isn’t a script for a happily-ever-after but a one-way ticket to a toxic relationship in marriage. You will wake up every day to ask yourself how you ended up in such a marriage. 

Being naïve and hopelessly in love.

A marriage based on love, at first sight, has a greater risk of ending in disappointment than a marriage built on mutual respect and understanding. 

Some believe that once you’re in love it solves everything. That’s not true at all.

Being in love is a process that takes time and patience to build sensual and emotional connections. Most people never reach this deep connection in love. They get addicted to the ups and downs of romantic love, where feelings rule their life. And when the feelings run out, so do they.

Feelings end on your wedding day, the morning after, you will understand the difference between a wedding and a marriage because you’re about to get into the nitty-gritty of what marriage is all about. 

And those who get into it for the feelings alone get disappointed. The feelings generally last for a few years at most, and then you’re down from the dizzying high of romantic love. 

Once you’re married, and with time, romance goes out of love, you’re left with a human being with faults and imperfections whom you have to genuinely love and respect to enjoy living with. Otherwise, things are going to get rough.

Someone to complete you.

 

Some people get into marriage as a way to compensate for something lacking in their life. Some feel without marriage they’re incomplete. You marry and expect the person to fulfil your expectation of love and happiness. Love and happiness come from you; nobody gives you that.

Invariably, you will love your partner only as long as they help you feel better about yourself. You will give to them only as long as they give you what you want. You will make them happy only as long as they make you feel happy. This is a recipe for a bad marriage and a breeding ground for domestic abuse.

Do you want a vibrant, healthy, and happy marriage?

A healthy and happy marriage requires two healthy and happy individuals. The keyword here is “individuals.” That means two people with their own identities, their own interests and perspectives, and things they do by themselves, and on their own time and mutually acceptable to them.

“Happily Ever After” is not a piece of cake, all icing and sweetness. No! It’s work and a walk in endurance, patience, compromise, and intentionality.  You have to constantly remind yourself every day you wake up to love your partner – the good, the bad and the ugly part of them. And then, to love your life, for both go together. Remaining steadfast in your marriage is an intentional decision you make every day.

Some days, you feel like the world is at your feet. And some days it’s a struggle to keep to that vow, on such bad days, remind yourself why you love your spouse and why you’re in the marriage.

A love that’s alive and healthy is constantly evolving. It expands and contracts mellows and deepen. Just as life never remains static, so is your love for each other. It’s not going to remain the way it used to be in the beginning. 

The key to happiness in marriage is when you marry a partner whose values align with yours, whom you respect, love and accept, and vice versa. Another is sustaining a genuine connection by working through the everyday struggles and challenges to make your marriage work. 

Everything that makes a marriage “work” not just on the surface but a real deep connection between partners requires a genuine, deep and mutual affection for each other. Without that mutual affection, everything will be a walk in endurance.

Another writer puts it that, “relationships exist as waves–people need to learn how to ride them.”  

According to Jon Kabat-Zinn, “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf them.” 

There are constant waves of emotion going on in a marriage. Some waves last for hours or days, and some last for months or even years. Understand that the key to successfully surfing these waves lies the foundation of a healthy marriage. 

The only thing constant in life is change. People lose jobs, lose family members to death, couples relocate, switch careers, some make money, and some lose money. All these have both emotional and physical effects on people and how they handle them affects the dynamism of their marriage and their relationship with their spouses.

You can work and walk through any issue in your marriage, be it emotionally, physically, financially, or spiritually, as long as there is understanding and healthy communication between you and your partner. You can surf the waves together and come out stronger.

Marriages are imperfect relationships, sometimes messy and complicated. Simple because they are made up of imperfect, messy, and complicated humans. People want different things at different times in different ways, at times in ways you can’t even comprehend. Always remember you’re sharing a life with someone else, so you need to plan on how to accommodate each other’s needs and wants. 

When you have a finger on the pulse of each other’s needs, you will probably grow together in the marriage rather than grow apart.

Qualities of a good husband

 

Every woman wants a good husband. Most mothers with grown-up daughters spend hours in prayer at home or in churches, praying for their daughters, not just to marry, but to marry a good husband.

What are the ‘goods’ in a man that qualifies him as a good husband? 

Does a good son make a good husband? Not always. And there is a difference between being a good man and a good husband.

For a man to be a good husband, he has to be intentional and knowledgeable about what it takes to build a peaceful and lovely home for his family.

Marriage is a beautiful relationship if you understand the tenets of handling your ‘marriageship’ and exhibiting qualities that will make you a good husband.

Qualities of a Good Husband?

An emotionally matured man.

It takes an emotionally intelligent man to confront conflict in marriage constructively while remaining resilient and supportive of his wife. The difference between a good husband and a bad one is the management of conflicts.

It takes a man who is emotionally mature, well-grounded and with a sense of balance to control his impulses and respond to challenging issues sensibly, rather than reacting impulsively.

A mature man should have the capacity to deal with the challenge, disappointment, and stress of marriage. That is why it is said that marriage is for men, not for boys.

A cheerful man: 

Women love men who are witty and have a sense of humour. A husband who knows how to make his wife smile at the right time; is a good husband. 

A man who comes home with a cheerful face despite having a bad day at work is a husband to hold on to. Women love men who could differentiate between the office environment and their homes. A good husband leaves the mean and grumpy face at the door and put up a cheerful disposition as he crosses the threshold of his home. 

Try to enter your home as cheerful and light-hearted as you can, even if you had a bad day at the office or are physically exhausted after driving through traffic.

There’s nothing a good husband loves more than making his wife and family happy. 

A Faithful man. 

Loyalty and faithfulness are prime qualities of a good husband. A man who has a sense of honour and duty remembers the sacred vows he took on his wedding day and respect them. 

A good husband knows that no matter how many beautiful women he meets in a day, there is only one woman who owns his heart, and that is his wife. 

A good husband is loyal to his wife. He never let her feel she is not good enough for him. If you love your wife, be loyal to her. Never make her feel you are not true to her, else it will break her heart.

A Responsible man. 

Biblically and culturally, it is the duty of a man to provide for his family. A good husband takes his marriage as his responsibility and is responsible for his financial obligations in the house. A good husband knows his family needs must always come before his own and, as such, use his money wisely.

Even if your wife works, it is an act of irresponsibility for a man to depend on his wife's salary. Good husbands prefer to have that as a backup rather than a major part of their family expenses.

A reliable man

 Every woman wants a man she could rely on. A good husband is there for his wife when she needs him. He provides her reassurance when she stumbles or is feeling down. He is available for her when she needs a shoulder to lean on when life hits her.

A good husband is never too busy for his wife. When it matters, he drops everything to give her attention and affection.

When a husband does what he says; when a husband does not lie; when a husband is consistent with positive qualities, then he is dependable and a husband a woman can rely on.

A supportive man.

A good husband supports his wife in all stages of her life. He does not belittle her or hurt her ego. If she is a working woman, understand she has work pressures too. Understand when she needs to stay late at work and give her your support. 

A good husband supports his wife by taking some weight off her shoulders and helping her with housework. Never leave your wife to handle the smooth running of the household alone, even if she is a stay at home mom.

A good husband is proud of his wife’s accomplishments and compliments her. A good husband supports his wife, even when the going gets tough, he always sees the good things in life and stays positive when faced with adversity to cheer the wife up. Support from a good husband challenges the wife to put in her best efforts and grow as a person. 

If a man is supportive, values you as his equal and loves you just the way you are, you have a good husband or a good husband material.

A sensitivity man. 

Be sensitive to the needs of your wife and try to meet them. Not just physical needs but emotional needs as well. Do not let your feelings toward life's changes affect your feelings toward your wife. A good husband needs to be sensitive to the requirements of his wife, treat her as an equal.

 If your wife has a goal she wants to work towards, do everything that you can for her. Don’t laugh at her dreams because that will break her spirit. 

You are the one man in the world she feels will understand her when the rest of the world thinks she is silly. Women appreciate men who make an effort to like things she does, either hobbies or passions. 

As a good husband, stand up for your wife, make her believe she can do anything she wants to do. She will love you even more for that.

A respectful man: 

A good husband speaks lovingly to his wife and refrains from using harsh words. A good husband never chooses to belittle, strike, humiliate or harm his wife in private or in public. A good husband watches what he says and thinks his thoughts through before speaking because he wouldn’t want to offend his wife in words or actions. 

A good husband treats his wife with respect in front of others and at home.  A good husband considers his wife’s opinion when making important family decisions. 

A good husband never makes his wife feel silly for what she believes in, if you don’t believe in the same, respect her beliefs.

Understanding, accepting and respecting the fact your wife is a separate being, who has different ideas, dreams, and opinions, is important in a marriage. 

A good husband respects his wife’s wishes and her needs. A good husband does not force his wife to give up on her dreams to follow his, but talks things out and sees what works for both of them.

A non-judgmental man. 

A good husband never judges his wife for her flaws. A golden rule in life is that you need to walk in someone else’s shoes to understand what they are going through before you judge them. Marriage is part of life. The rule is applicable here as well.

Avoid judging every action or opinion of your wife. A good husband understands his wife differs from him and that her experiences and likings differ from his, too.

If your wife did something or said something you didn’t agree with, show understanding by applying the golden rule, rather than making her feel she does not measure up or has goofed big time. People have their flaws and faults. A good husband accepts the bad with the good of the woman he married. 

A man with excellent communication skills: Communication is the key to a healthy marriage. A man who has healthy communication skills makes a good husband.

A man with excellent communication skills does not bottle up his feelings or emotions, it’s unhealthy and could lead to conflicts. 

A man who shares his thoughts and feelings with his wife without reservation; a man who talks things out with his wife; a man who discusses difficult subjects with his wife; they can disagree or argue, and yet still come to some kind of resolution later, is a good husband.

A good husband is a good listener, too. He listens when his wife talks and listens to his wife's complaints and empathises with what's going on in her life. Good communication helps in building trust and strengthens marriage. 

An honest man. Trust is paramount to a healthy marriage, and what builds trust in a relationship is honesty. A good husband is a man who is open to his wife at all times and does not keep her in the dark about what is going on in his life, business or workplace.

Being a trustworthy man is a proactive role. It requires a conscious effort, affirmed continuously by the decision and actions the man takes.  

A good husband ensures he gains the trust of his wife. He never gives his wife a chance to doubt him or feel insecure. He never gives her any reason not to trust him. And he let her know she can trust him with anything.

An honest man makes a good husband. Telling your wife the truth, not hiding things from her and involving her in every aspect of your life will earn her trust and will ensure you gain respect and honesty right back from her.

A Loving and affectionate man. 

Nothing trips a woman like when her man shows her love and affection as often as possible. Women are a sucker for affection. Every woman likes to be pampered.  A good husband pampers and appreciates his wife and notices her at all times. And compliments her when she spots a new hairdo or dresses up nice and cute.

Most women love romance and like it when their husbands’ shower love on them, so remember to be romantic with your wife once in a while. A good husband knows how to pamper his wife and indulge her in the things she loves. It shows her how much you care about her and will win you some points with her, and she will indulge you in the things that you love as well.

A good husband is mindful. It's important for a man not to neglect his woman. A good husband never forgets the special days in his wife’s life, like birthday and wedding anniversary.

A Protective man: 

A woman needs to feel secure around her man. A good husband makes his wife feel that when she is with him, no one can harm her. You don't need to be Mr Macho, but at least when you are with her others should not take advantage of her or insult her. 

A good husband is protective and never abusive to his wife. A good husband doesn’t tolerate others disrespecting his wife. He never allows someone to insult or say mean jokes about his wife. He let people know he is always at his wife’s side, come what may.

An understanding and appreciative man. A good husband understands his wife has a life other than being his wife. She has her parents, friends and colleagues who are part of her life too. She may have hobbies or passions outside you. Don’t expect her undivided attention. Don’t stop her if she wants to go out and hang out with her friends sometimes, engage in a hobby or spend some time with her parents.

A good husband understands everything about his wife- her thoughts, ambitions, opinions, her friends, her job. He doesn’t make her feel bad about her life circumstances, and he appreciates the person she is and the choices she has made.

As a good husband, be warm, kind, positive, and understanding to everyone around you, and appreciate your wife. 

A selfless and kind man

Kindness in a man is a very appealing quality to women. It assures a woman that the man will never hurt her and will always do what is best for her and the family. 

Kindness towards others makes a wife proud of her husband enough to brag about it to all her friends. Nobody likes an arrogant man. A good husband is pleasant and kind to friends and family. 

A good husband is up and doing and helps his wife with housework. As her husband, your wife will appreciate it so much if you were more active in the home, cleaning up after yourself and helping out with some chores. 

Just because your wife doesn’t work doesn’t mean her work at home is less strenuous. She might have struggled with children and housework all day.

A sexually capable man: 

Sexual intimacy is essential to marriage. Good sex helps to strengthen your emotional and physical attraction to your wife. A good husband satisfies his wife in bed and is faithful to her. Good sex plays a vital role in a satisfying and healthy relationship. Sexual frustration makes a nagging wife and can cause conflict at home.

A good husband is not just passionate when it comes to the physical aspect of marriage, but he is also passionate about small things that concern his wife and family. 

A compassionate man.

A man who can feel for others is very appealing to women, so be a compassionate man and show you care. It can be towards your wife and others as well. The more compassion you show, the more of a hero you will be to your wife.

Your marriage vows, in sickness and health, should not be taken lightly. A good husband would do anything to look after his wife in sickness and in health and do his best to look after his wife’s needs.

A Good Team Player

A good husband is also a team player. As a husband, you must realise you and your wife are a team. Being a good team player is vital in a marriage. It shouldn’t always be about you, you need to think about your wife as well. 

A good husband never undermines the decisions of his wife in front of the children or his relatives. If she errs, he talks to her in private. Showing people that the two of you are a team will prevent them from disrespecting your wife or taking advantage of her. 

LOVE IS NOT SO IMPORTANT:

... YOU DON'T NEED TO LOVE A PERSON TO MARRY HIM OR HER!

Image from pexels.com

How would you know the right person for marriage?

Simple.

The person who values you the most is the right person for marriage.
The person who respects you more; accepts you for who you are, irrespective of your age, tribe, location or religion, or even disability, is the right person for you.

That one that does all he can to make you happy, even though he isn't perfect, is the right man for you.
That one that goes out of her way to put you first, even when you don't already treat her right, is the right woman for you.
That person who feels like home, that makes you feel at peace, is the one you should marry.

It can be hard sometimes. I know.
If it were so easy, you probably won't need to buy and read this book.
If it was very easy, I won't be a Relationship and Marriage Counselor.
There is a common dilemma that envelopes us and threatens to suffocate us.

THE ONES WE LOVE USUALLY DON'T LOVE US THAT MUCH.
AND THE ONES WE DON'T LOVE ARE THE ONES THAT PURSUE US ALL DAY LONG.

Life can be so funny!

This dilemma paralyses us. It makes it difficult to choose or even know whom to choose for marriage.
We pursue love. We want love. We want to give love and we become obsessed with finding people that will love us in return.
Within the context of preparing for marriage, love is good, but it is not so important, especially at the beginning.
In fact, love can cause you to make a bad or wrong decision for marriage.

Love characteristically makes us believe the best in people, stick with them for long as we expect them to change, even when they don't treat us well.

Love makes us see rainbows in everything.
This is good, but it can also be terrible.
In trying to choose whom to marry, love should sometimes be the last thing to consider.

If it is to be considered at all, it should come last.
Check thoroughly if the person on your marriage radar is good for you emotionally and mentally.
It has to be more than their good looks and bank statement!
Do they treat you well?
Do they create time for you, even when they get very busy?
Do they still give something to you, even from the little they have sometimes?

Maybe you don't love this person, but at least, he or she loves you.
This should be enough at the start.
You can marry someone that loves you even if you don't love them yet.

As long as they value and respect you and want to be with you, your love for them will come later.
It always does, as long as your heart stays open to them.
Love is wonderful. It is important, but it is not everything.

I wrote more about this in one of my Hot Best-Selling Books titled BLESSED BUT BLIND.
Get this book. You'll thank me later.

The secret to knowing the right person for marriage is in looking out for what will not kill you tomorrow or cause you stress and unhappiness later in a marriage.

The marriage game for a single man differs from what it is for a single woman.

A man is everything that a woman is not.
What a man needs, differs from what would sustain a woman.
Men and women, historically and emotionally, rarely want the same things.

To be fair, it is really hard to know what women want.
I feel that a lot of times, women are very unstable creatures.
What they pursued yesterday with vigour suddenly doesn't seem to interest them anymore today.

What they want now will become entirely different from what they will want tomorrow.

I usually have a hard time understanding them!
In fact, most women don't even understand themselves.
Men don't usually behave that way. Men are quite basic.
Give a man constant sex, a steady supply of good food and make him feel like a don and he will stay sweet on you forever.
I believe you can get and keep any man with these three things:

1. Sex.
2. Food.
3. Respect (The strategic massaging of his ego).

Pexels.com

Apart from these three important things, the rest is not so important for men.
Men are so simple. They understand themselves well.
A woman that will get and keep the right man needs to understand this too.

A lot of women don't know this secret.
Men all over the world have always known this secret.
It is a surprise that it has remained a secret for a very long time.
Whenever a single woman is finding it hard to get or keep a man, she is probably failing in one or more of those three secrets I shared with you.

To get a man, a woman needs to understand a man and what he wants.
Like I wrote earlier, men are simple beings.

Check very well. I didn't add love to the list.
I wouldn't dare try that if I made a list of what women want.
As unpredictable as women can be, every woman (pardon the generalisation) would always add love to what she wants from a man.
Men need love, but most men are not so hung up on love as women.
This means that a man can easily marry a woman that gives him those three things I mentioned earlier, even if he doesn't love her.
For example, when I married my wife years ago, I didn't do so for love.

I married her because she fucked me well, cooked like a chef, and treated me respectfully like a king.
The loving kind of "grew up on me," so to say.

And the truth is, you can grow to love anyone if you open your heart to them, even if you didn't love them at the beginning.
So, dear single man, even if you don't love her or feel anything special for her now, as long as she is good in those three areas I listed, MARRY HER!
The love will grow on you later if you open up your heart to her.




~BRIGHT U. NKWOCHA
(Relationship & Marriage Counselor)
08164137531