Foundations for a healthy marriage.

Every weekend and some weekdays people celebrate marriages. Every day, marriages are collapsing around us. As more people are rushing in, more people are rushing out. Marriage is going extinct, so some say and one wonders, is it the dead or dread of marriage that brings about the disintegration of the institution of marriage?

Marriage is instituted for a happily-ever-after, that is the concept, that is what every couple has in mind as they take the vows. However, the dreamy eye brides soon discover that the bed of roses they envisioned has thorns in it and the prickle soon shocks them to wakefulness. What they see and the experience becomes different from their expectation and perception. All because people go into marriage with the wrong impression.

Some people enter the “marriageship”, for unhealthy reasons. This is where the problem lies because before they finish saying I do, the marriage is already heading toward an iceberg that will shatter and sink it. It’s just a matter of time.

Before you propose or say yes, first ask yourself some relevant questions like:  

Am I ready for marriage?

Is he/she who I want to spend the rest of my life with? 

What are my beliefs about love? 

Not many people marry for happily-ever-after or marry for true love. Marriage is meant to be a lifelong partnership.

There are those who enjoy their partners- and by extension their marriage and those who endure their partners and by extension their marriage,

Whether you enjoy or endure your partner depends on the foundation on which your marriage was planted. As the saying goes. “What you sow is what you will reap.”

Did you accept the marriage proposal for the right reason or for the wrong reason?

Accepting a proposal for the wrong reasons included:

Pressure from friends and family.

Don’t ever be with someone because you’re pressured to accept the person. The only reason you should ever consider marrying the person is simply that you love being with the person. 

Often friends and family pressure you to get married because you have reached the age of getting married. Everyone is on your neck, to please them and ease the pressure you succumb to it and marry the first person that comes your way or the one recommended for you.

To live happily-ever-after, marry because you have found the right person to settle down with. Someone you feel you can share your life and personal space with.

Single and desperate.

Because you’re single and feel the time is no longer on your side, and you see yourself as a soon-to-be expired commodity, you settle for the first person that comes along. All you want is to be married, to who is of no great consequence to you. 

But the consequences of your hasty action will come eventually and make you regret the marriage. In the end, you feel your partner is not good enough, which leads to resentment and insecurity.

 As the saying goes, marry in haste and regret at leisure.

 Marrying for image or family name. 

The marriage will look good on paper, will bring business dividends, will unite the family, and the roll call of the attendees is the cream of the society. It’s everything considered good, but not because the two people involved actually love and admire each other.

Remember, it’s all in the photo, pictures that will become memorabilia, guests that will go home to their lives. 

You end up with the butt of a family scheme as a partner. This isn’t a script for a happily-ever-after but a one-way ticket to a toxic relationship in marriage. You will wake up every day to ask yourself how you ended up in such a marriage. 

Being naïve and hopelessly in love.

A marriage based on love, at first sight, has a greater risk of ending in disappointment than a marriage built on mutual respect and understanding. 

Some believe that once you’re in love it solves everything. That’s not true at all.

Being in love is a process that takes time and patience to build sensual and emotional connections. Most people never reach this deep connection in love. They get addicted to the ups and downs of romantic love, where feelings rule their life. And when the feelings run out, so do they.

Feelings end on your wedding day, the morning after, you will understand the difference between a wedding and a marriage because you’re about to get into the nitty-gritty of what marriage is all about. 

And those who get into it for the feelings alone get disappointed. The feelings generally last for a few years at most, and then you’re down from the dizzying high of romantic love. 

Once you’re married, and with time, romance goes out of love, you’re left with a human being with faults and imperfections whom you have to genuinely love and respect to enjoy living with. Otherwise, things are going to get rough.

Someone to complete you.

 

Some people get into marriage as a way to compensate for something lacking in their life. Some feel without marriage they’re incomplete. You marry and expect the person to fulfil your expectation of love and happiness. Love and happiness come from you; nobody gives you that.

Invariably, you will love your partner only as long as they help you feel better about yourself. You will give to them only as long as they give you what you want. You will make them happy only as long as they make you feel happy. This is a recipe for a bad marriage and a breeding ground for domestic abuse.

Do you want a vibrant, healthy, and happy marriage?

A healthy and happy marriage requires two healthy and happy individuals. The keyword here is “individuals.” That means two people with their own identities, their own interests and perspectives, and things they do by themselves, and on their own time and mutually acceptable to them.

“Happily Ever After” is not a piece of cake, all icing and sweetness. No! It’s work and a walk in endurance, patience, compromise, and intentionality.  You have to constantly remind yourself every day you wake up to love your partner – the good, the bad and the ugly part of them. And then, to love your life, for both go together. Remaining steadfast in your marriage is an intentional decision you make every day.

Some days, you feel like the world is at your feet. And some days it’s a struggle to keep to that vow, on such bad days, remind yourself why you love your spouse and why you’re in the marriage.

A love that’s alive and healthy is constantly evolving. It expands and contracts mellows and deepen. Just as life never remains static, so is your love for each other. It’s not going to remain the way it used to be in the beginning. 

The key to happiness in marriage is when you marry a partner whose values align with yours, whom you respect, love and accept, and vice versa. Another is sustaining a genuine connection by working through the everyday struggles and challenges to make your marriage work. 

Everything that makes a marriage “work” not just on the surface but a real deep connection between partners requires a genuine, deep and mutual affection for each other. Without that mutual affection, everything will be a walk in endurance.

Another writer puts it that, “relationships exist as waves–people need to learn how to ride them.”  

According to Jon Kabat-Zinn, “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf them.” 

There are constant waves of emotion going on in a marriage. Some waves last for hours or days, and some last for months or even years. Understand that the key to successfully surfing these waves lies the foundation of a healthy marriage. 

The only thing constant in life is change. People lose jobs, lose family members to death, couples relocate, switch careers, some make money, and some lose money. All these have both emotional and physical effects on people and how they handle them affects the dynamism of their marriage and their relationship with their spouses.

You can work and walk through any issue in your marriage, be it emotionally, physically, financially, or spiritually, as long as there is understanding and healthy communication between you and your partner. You can surf the waves together and come out stronger.

Marriages are imperfect relationships, sometimes messy and complicated. Simple because they are made up of imperfect, messy, and complicated humans. People want different things at different times in different ways, at times in ways you can’t even comprehend. Always remember you’re sharing a life with someone else, so you need to plan on how to accommodate each other’s needs and wants. 

When you have a finger on the pulse of each other’s needs, you will probably grow together in the marriage rather than grow apart.

The girl with a saucy mouth(children's book)

 

About the book

Isioma is saucy and unafraid of anything or anybody, always up to one mischief or another around the village. 

“If you are angry, excrete bees,” is her standard answer to anyone who gets angry with her. One day she said it to someone who actually excreted bees.

Chapter one

“Isiiiii... oma, Isiiiiiii…... oma oooo.”

Isioma hissed and hit the palm fruit nut on a stone slab hard with the round stone in her hand. The shell and the kernel inside shattered into pieces.

Her mother’s voice shouted her name again.

“Mtcheew! Mama should leave me alone, biko.” She put another palm nut on the stone slap and hit it. With less vigour. The shell cracked, another soft hit, the shell shattered. She picked out the kernel and added it to the growing number in her left palm.

“Isioma, is it not you mama is calling?” Chioma, her younger sister’s voice, asked from behind her.

Isioma turned and looked at her. “If I get you there, I will twist your mouth.”

“Come and twist my mouth now. Mama has been shouting your name since and you didn’t want to answer her.”

“I say get out of here.”

“You only know how to insult somebody.”

“If it is paining you, excrete bees.” Isioma eyed her and turned to continue cracking the palm fruit nuts. She would teach her a lesson later. For now, cracking enough palm kernels to use and drink garri was her primary concern.

“So, Isioma, you are in this backyard, and I have been shouting myself hoarse calling your name?”

Isioma dropped the stone in her hand and stood up. When she saw the fury in her mother’s eyes, her eyes darted around in search of an escape route 

“Mama, I told her you were calling her, and she said she will twist my mouth if I disturb her,” Chioma reported.

“Mama, I’m hungry, I’m looking for something to eat,” Isioma said mutinously. 

“The hunger blocked your ears that you didn’t hear me shouting your name. O kwn ya? Every time you are hungry and after all the food you consume in this house, you still look like a broomstick.”

Isioma stared at her mother with defiance. “Is it my fault I look like a broomstick?”

“No, it is my fault. When you expand all your energy, fighting around the village and climbing trees. How will you have flesh? Ajor nwa, bad child, I don’t know where you got your bad manners from. Go and fetch water. Let’s start making the evening meal before your father comes back from the market.”

“I have not finished cracking the palm nuts. I want to drink garri. I said I’m hungry.” Isioma twisted her face in anger.

“I said I’m hungry,” her mother mimicked. “Try my patience this afternoon and I will break your skull for real.” Her mother took a threatening step toward her, and Isioma took to her heels. 

A Few minutes later she came out of the house.  With a swollen face and a water-can held firmly in her armpit, she walked with brisk strides toward the pathway that led to the village stream. 

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Bonding with in-laws

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I received an email from a woman who asked for advice on how to gain the love of her in-laws. Her boyfriend is planning on taking her to see his family for them to begin their marriage rites.

I appreciated the fact she asked for advice on such a sensitivity issue before taking that big step in her relationship. When you are on the threshold of becoming part of a new family, the fear of acceptance is real, especially from prospective in-laws. We always approach the unknown with trepidation. Fretting over meeting in-laws to be is agonising because you will want them not just to welcome you but to accept you as part of the family. 

Foremost, individuals differ and come with their own unique baggage. So, there is no one-size-fits-all advice on how to have a perfect relationship with the in-laws. What works for one may not work for the other, but there is always a bottom line that you can change to suit your situation.

Everyone craves acceptance, especially with people you will spend the rest of your life with. However, know that acceptance isn’t an automatic ticket you will receive on arrival. It requires time and effort to earn it. Reason? Differences. We are all born into different cultural, religious, geographic, or social backgrounds. These differences inhibit our relationships with others. These hurdles you have to overcome through interaction and friction. How you interact and handle the fall-out frictions with the in-laws is the yardstick for your acceptance or rejection in the family.

How to relate with your in-laws.

1. Talk with your partner

If you’re about to meet your in-laws for the first time, you need to be well informed on what to expect. This information you can get through your partner, who knows his family better than you. 

Your familiarization interrogations should start with him. Ask questions that will give you insights into their beliefs, attitudes and culture, if both of you are from different cultural backgrounds. You will not want to commit a cultural faux pas on your first encounter with your in-laws.

Checking with your spouse on what works and what will not work with his family is a step in the right direction. He is the best person to help alley your fear and shows you how to relate with his family. It’s better you know them before you tie the knot to understand what you’re walking into.

2. Don’t put on a show. 

Never ever put up a show just to earn their approval. These are people you will spend the rest of your life with, be open, show them your real self from the onset. This will help reduce friction and acrimony in the future. If you try to show off as something or someone you’re not, it will only cause everyone problems down the line because you cannot keep on the pretence for long. 

Also, don't remake yourself to fit into the wife mould your in-laws want for their son. Don’t accept what you can not tolerate from them. Be yourself, your real self. To allow your in-laws to use you as a foot mat is not a guarantee they will love and accept you.

Be yourself. Show them how you want to be treated.

And eventually, it will work out. Project to them who you are and not what you have.

Again, do not try to over please them and fall into trouble. Show basic courtesy, be a good human being, respect them for what they are, and be helpful to them. 

3. Listen and learn

Remember, your in-laws are an integral part of your spouse's life. Understand they have loved your spouse much longer than you. They have been there throughout his life. To worm your way into their heart, make them a crucial part of your life as well. 

Remember also, you are competing with his family for his affection and attention and he has a biological connection with them already. This is another source of friction you have to handle with wisdom because jealousy is invertible. 

Fret not, all you need to do is listen, pay attention to their words and action and you will learn how to deal with your partner’s family. Be open and ready to learn about the family dynamism and how to adjust to fit into the family. Share who you are with them, and this will help develop your relationship with them.

Do not be confrontational with them until you establish a good rapport with them, which will increase your understanding of some actions. Before then, confrontation often spoils relationships that are tender and yet to have a strong root.

4. Give it Time. 

Every relationship takes time to build. It’s a gradual process, a journey of discoveries. There will be fights and arguments, but that does not mean they don’t like you. You are different, with your own set of principles and ideology, so are they too. It will take time and effort to understand and accept another’s viewpoint with love and, since they don’t know you well yet, they would be judgmental.

 Don’t give up. Always be kind. Give it time. 

You don’t need to rush the process. To make this work, learn to give in to their opinion to lessen the friction. It will show them you care about their opinions, and you are ready to accept them as a family, too.

Every relationship is like a plant that needs special attention and care in the nurturing stage. Give your best to your partner’s family, knowing you’re in it for the long haul.

5. Understand your in-laws.

 Understanding your in-laws will give you leverage on how to relate to them in the future. If you get to know them well, you will set limits and boundaries on how to interact with them. But no matter how they are, try to show them love and respect for raising up the man you found worthy to spend your life with.

Often, you hear wives complaining, “my parents will not treat me the way my in-laws are treating me. Is it because I married their son?”

Your parents’ love comes with your birth package. But your in-laws are not your parents, so don’t expect them to love you wholly. No matter how much you desire their love and affection, don’t expect it to be the same as your parents. Though there are exceptions.

Don't expect your new family to treat you exactly the way your family treats you. Love is earned. Try as much as possible to earn their love, trust, and respect. 

6. Build a Friendship. 

Love them, show them you care. Build a friendly relationship with them and include them in your life as part of your family. Chances are, they are just as nervous about connecting with you as you are about connecting with them. 

Love them, respect them and let them know your best side. It will increase family dynamism and reduce friction if you can get along with your in-laws.

Remember, your partner is equally special to them, as your relationship with him is to you. Whatever the case may be, it is important you respect them, even if you don’t like them. Engage with them, and work towards establishing a cordial relationship with them.

As human beings, we can’t do without relationships, so learn to maintain a good relationship with your in-laws. Building relationships is difficult. Attempt to spend valuable time with your in-laws, and be kind and generous towards them. The return you get on your effort will last the rest of your married life.

7. Communication is key

Communication is a key ingredient in every successful relationship. Learn how to communicate with your in-laws. If something bothers you, address it as soon as possible to clear any misunderstanding that will arise and smear your relationship with them or your partner.

Don’t bottle up anger, it leads to resentment in the future. Resentment is poisonous. It eats away the core of a relationship. Resentment also erodes trust, reliability, affection, and commitment and replaces them with negative emotions like disappointment, bitterness, and hard feelings. 

Learn to be expressive without being insulting to your in-laws.

As a new member of the family, open communication is the only you can break barriers and insert yourself into the family.

8. Treat Them Like Family. 

Your in-laws may not be blood-related, but because of marriage, they are now extended family members. They cannot replace your parents or family, but you have become an addition to the family, work to integrate yourself into the family. It’s not always easy, but no matter what, work on your relationship with them. They will only drop their guards when they see you.

Love them and treat them like family. Remember, they are part of your spouse's life before your entrance; they come with the marriage package. Treat them like family.

Respect and common courtesy go a long to make you part of the family. Even if your spouse has parents from hell or you consider his mother as a monster in law, you owe them respect and tolerance. 

 

Understand that your partner has a bond with his parents and siblings. Try not to bring strife into their relationship. Rather, maintain a good relationship with your in-laws, and be at peace with them.

9. Drop all conceived stereotypes.

Purge yourself of the stereotypes that all mothers-in-law are monsters or that there is no pleasing an in-law, no matter what you do. Try to be open-minded, adjust your thinking and adapt to the reality of the situation you meet on the ground. Yes, there will be contestation and conflict, handle it with maturity. There are people who are genuinely difficult to please or love. It’s in their DNA. Accept that and find a way around them.

See your partner’s parents as humans, imperfect, with strengths and weaknesses, good side and bad side. Treat them as you will want your future daughter-in-law to treat you.

It may not be easy to get total acceptance from every member of your partner’s family, but try to live in harmony with them all where possible. Your effort will probably pay off in the long run.

Challenges Of Long-Distance Marriage/Relationship

 

When you got married, you looked forward to building a home together with your spouse, taking care of your family and watching your children grow up together. But along the way life happened, and you got separated. It might happen if one spouse is posted to another city or country and the other chooses or is forced to remain behind due to financial constraints or for the sake of their children to continue schooling in a familiar environment.

Or one partner decides to move to another city or country in search of better opportunities, in this case, circumstances in life have forced the couple to make hard decisions which they never expected from the onset.

Probably, both of you are working in different cities and met, fall in love and braced the odds by getting married. After the wedding you remained apart until one was finally able to join the other, this may take months or years to achieve.

It may be that one partner is still in school in another city while the other is either working or doing business in a different city which made it impossible for them to live together as a couple for a duration of time. They are compelled to live apart for a purpose.

In some cases, you married an abroad husband or wife and it has not been easy to get a visa for your partner to join you and so you're forced to live in different countries.

All these different scenarios are what is referred to as long-distance marriages/relationships. A long-distance marriage/relationship is an intimate relationship between partners who are geographically separated from one another and so does not relate face-to-face  

It is also a situation whereby both partners in a marriage are living in different geographical locations and see little of each other. In some cases, the decision to live apart is by choice and in some cases, the couples are forced to make that choice by circumstances of life.. They may agree to make such a sacrifice as a family in order to meet the family’s needs adequately.

Education and the search for a better income are mostly the reason for couples to live apart. It is a known fact that many couples today experience marriages in which to keep their employment means they spend most of their time apart. Such couples have a hard time balancing their relationships and their work apart from each other. The pressure to cope with the emotional strain of separation can be hard especially on newly married/younger couples who are still establishing their family. 

However, whichever way the separation came about, it is not always an easy pill to swallow and it always leaves a bitter residue in the mouth. In addition to the normal difficulties of being in a relationship. Long-distance marriage takes an extra emotional and physical toll on couples, 

Some challenges of long-distance marriage/relationship

Lack of physical intimacy

It is the most common challenge couples in long-distance marriage endure. Aside from the loneliness, lack of physical intimacy includes No touching. No cuddling and, No sex. All the things that fan the flames of a romantic relationship are made impossible by the distance.

Also, when you are apart, you miss out on all the non-verbal communication that tells you the mood and feelings of your spouse with just a glance. 

When you’re together. You share tidbits of information about your day, about happenings in your workplace or business environment. This daily exchange gives you an inkling into how your spouse is feeling even when they don’t tell you all the details. Couples in long-distance marriages don’t enjoy such privilege in their relationships.

Lack of real-time intimacy

When you and your partner stay together and go through the daily routine and demands of sharing your personal space with each other, rifts between you both are invertible and there will be arguments and small fights now and then. Such daily interactions are sometimes obnoxious and sometimes unpleasant. But they create moments of bonding as the couple strive to learn and accommodate each other's differences. 

With time they will understand each other and develop a certain nonpassionate intimacy towards each other. This will lead to a situation where one partner will start a sentence and the other completes it, they think and speak like synchronised apps, this only happens when two people have spent too much quality time around each other to build real-time intimacy.

You don’t get a sense of this type of real-time intimacy in a relationship until you’re in it, in person and have a good number of years of togetherness. Couples in long-distance relationships never have this bonding or real-time intimacy with each other. Distance prevents this type of intimacy bonding from forming  between them

When two people are apart, it’s easy to idealize and overlook the mundane, and little gestures that build up their relationship. And when they eventually come together, staying together might require adjustment.

 The Effect On Family Dynamism

Long-distance marriage negates the meaning of coupling in a relationship, it creates an imbalance in the home. Instead of the couple to strive together side by side to build their family, they strive individually in separate locations. In some cases, the burden of responsibility tends to tilt more towards one partner which might cause discord over time.

Long-distance relationships affect the dynamics of the family setting. Having an absentee partner is difficult for the family especially when children are involved.  The left-at-home spouse takes responsibility for all the family’s needs. In some cases, the partner had to juggle family responsibilities and work/business.

In addition to being left behind with the children. The partner also has to play a double role to cushion the imbalance the absence of the other partner might cause in the family. The transition from having both parents together to now having one around can be traumatic. Children tend to experience emotional problems when such changes occur in the family.

In some instances, some women had to go through childbirth and rearing alone, having visiting husbands who contributed little or nothing in the practical upbringing of the children and so share no physical or emotional bonding with their children.

Growing apart

Couples in a long-distance marriage develop two separate lives. When they’re away from each other, they grow individually; instead of being part of a team, they’re each solo player. People change and grow and sometimes one partner may not be compatible with the others' change and growth. This is because they did not make the changes together like couples living together. Doing things alone all the time can start to feel normal and natural. 

When they eventually come to live together, ten or twenty years later they each discover they have to relearn what it’s like to live alongside each other. Absence, they say makes the heart grow fonder. Sure! But prolonged absence can make the heart grow sour and apart.  Out Of Sight Can Still Be Out Of Mind.

Trust 

Trust is another problem in a long-distance/ relationship that pulls couples mentally and emotionally apart causing rift more than the physical distance.

Long-distance relationships thrive upon trust. If you both live apart from each other, you must have a very clear understanding of where you stand in each other's life.

Insecurity 

Another downside of long-distance relationships is uncertainty, especially where trust is an issue. Most especially for those still in the courtship stage of their relationship.

Because you have not yet taken the vow, it’s likely that you will experience uncertainty towards each other, being far away. From time to time questions will arise in your heart, “Is this all worth it?” “Does she/he still feel the same way about me as she/he did before?” “Is he/she secretly meeting another woman/man without me knowing?” “Am I fooling myself waiting for the person?” “Will it really work out between us?.”

The longer you stay apart, the more these uncertainties grow and it can snowball into a crisis that can undermine your relationship, 

Married couples are not exempted from uncertainties. Infidelity is a big issue for couples living together, how much more when they live apart from each other. “Body no be firewood”, is a slogan used by people living apart to justify their act of infidelity.

Yes, we cannot deny the fact that long-distance relationships are hard. Some couples suffer problems those living together might not encounter... 

Every relationship requires hard work to survive though, but couples in a long-distance relationship have to work smarter to keep their marriage going. When you're with the right person and you truly love and care about each other, you will definitely find ways to make your relationship work and survive the distance. If your love is genuine, nothing, not even distance can separate you.