Essential Emotional Needs In Marriage

One of the most important things you can do to improve your family relationship is to understand and meet each other’s vital emotional needs. Emotional needs are feelings that tell us we are loved, valued, and essential to our spouse.

Couples build great marriages based on teamwork, mutual respect, a healthy dose of admiration and a never-ending portion of love and gratitude.

Relationships work well only when partners try to understand each other well. Emotional needs in a relationship are the deepest desires of spouses. Satisfying your partner’s essential needs will benefit your significant relationship immensely. It fuels romantic love and reduces discontentment. Emotional needs vary from person to person, and often influenced by cultural colouration. 

Communication and Understanding:

Couples need open and honest communication. Understanding each other's thoughts, feelings, and perspectives is crucial for a strong emotional connection.

Respect and Appreciation:

Mutual respect is fundamental in marriages. Couples need to feel valued and appreciated for their contributions to the relationship and the family.

Trust and Security:

Trust is a cornerstone of any successful marriage in many cultures, feeling secure in a relationship and trusting your partner is essential for emotional well-being.

Affection and Intimacy:

Physical affection and intimacy are important emotional needs for many married couples. This includes expressions of love, such as hugs, kisses, and other forms of physical closeness.

Support in Challenges:

Facing life's challenges together is a key aspect of marriage. Emotional support during difficult times, be it financial struggles or personal crises, is vital for the well-being of the couple.

Shared Values and Goals:

Couples often find emotional fulfillment when they share common values and goals. This sense of alignment creates a deeper connection and a shared sense of purpose.

Quality Time Together:

Spending quality time together is crucial for emotional bonding.  Dedicating time to shared activities strengthens the emotional connection between spouses.

Autonomy and Independence:

While togetherness is important, individuals in a marriage also need their independence. Respecting each other's autonomy fosters a healthy emotional balance.

Cultural and Religious Harmony:

Due to diverse cultures and religions. Couples often find emotional fulfillment when there's harmony and understanding regarding cultural and religious practices.

Celebrate Milestones:

Recognizing and celebrating personal and shared achievements is essential. Whether it's a professional success or a family milestone, acknowledging these accomplishments contributes to emotional well-being.

Remember, these emotional needs can vary from person to person, and effective communication within the marriage is key to understanding and meeting each other's unique emotional needs.

Intimate conversation:

Talking often is one of the best ways to make time for friendship in your busy marriage.

It’s important to remember that everyone’s emotional needs are different. What might be a need for one person might not be a need for another. That’s why it’s essential to communicate with your spouse about what they need from you.

Transparency:

Trust, accountability and mutual respect are essential in a healthy relationship, so be transparent and work together on projects that will build your fmily connection.

Family commitment and companionship

Spend time together weekly to build a strong relationship. Be willing to learn from one another and be open to discussing fundamental topics.

Establish daily habits to help you stay connected, including prayer and shared interests. Play and Laugh often, and appreciate each other’s differences. Celebrate your spouse’s successes and not failures.

Sexual fulfilment:

Sexual fulfilment is an essential physical need in marriages. It is the most profound need of men. Beacuse of their higher testosterone, men have a higher sex drive than women.

There are different motivations for sexual fulfilment in both sexes. For example, men take part in sex to please their cravings. But, women mostly engage in sex for intimacy and emotional bonding.

Focusing your sexual energy on your marriage reduces the dangers of extramarital affairs and relational breakdown. 

Attentiveness:

Be attentive to your partner’s physical and emotional needs.

Make your marriage your priority. Not your work or your friends. Workaholism and over-ambitiousness are the banes of marital harmony.

A wife needs  her husband’s physical and emotional presence to feel protected and loved. 

Emotional needs play a critical role in determining a healthy marriage. When emotional needs are met, patners are likely to feel safe, happy, and secure in the marriage. On the other hand, when these relationship needs go unmet, conflict is sure to arise.

Building Friendship In Marriage.

Just like any friendship and relationship, marriage needs nourishment to grow. Integrating friendship in marriage requires practice and intentionality. If you are not intentional about it, it will not just happen.

Relationship expert John Gottman, a professor at the University of Washington, says, “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.”  Gottman’s research shows that a high-quality friendship in a marriage is an important predictor of romantic and physical satisfaction.

Also, Paul Coleman, Psy.D., author of The 30 Secrets of Happily Married Couples, says, “Friendship is a form of intimacy. It represents a sharing, an openness, a willingness to be vulnerable. It requires a degree of trust. Friends show caring to one another by their availability, their thoughtfulness.”

Building and nurturing friendships strengthen a marriage because friendship establishes emotional and physical intimacy in marriage. Friendship helps married couples feel safe and more open with one another without worrying about being judged or feeling insecure. 

Nurturing and building friendships in marriage requires practice, time and effort. Work hard to establish a great friendship and become your spouse's best friend in your marriage. Friendship promotes healthy, happy, and lasting marriages.

Ways to foster and build friendship in your marriage:

Effective Communication:

Open and honest communication is the foundation of any strong friendship. Endeavour to actively listen to your partner and respectfully express your thoughts and feelings.

Talk and share your everyday life and experiences, highs and lows, to create a sense of connection. It helps to build emotional intimacy.

Frequently talk with your partner. Silence in marriage builds resentment, but communication can resolve this problem. Communicate over everything – your friends, relatives, workmates, goals, children, money, responsibilities, etc. 

Excellent communication is a key to building a good friendship with your spouse. Marriages that speak honestly about challenging matters, build stronger connections.

Also, communication helps with conflict resolution. If you want friendship and romance to grow in your marriage, you must communicate to resolve your conflicts.

Spend Quality Time Together:

Dedicate time to be with your spouse without distractions. This could be a night date, a weekend getaway, or even simple activities like cooking together or walking.

The fact that you make time out of your busy schedule to spend time with your partner shows you value them and care for their happiness. Take some time every day when you can reconnect with one another. If it is at the end of a busy day, find out how your partner spent the day. 

Also, as you begin your day, share your plans. Praying together is a shared activity that keeps couples together. 

Shared Interests:

Find common interests. Have fun with one another. Laugh together. Make lasting memories through shared activities. Engaging in activities you both enjoy strengthens your bond and creates shared memories.

Do and try new things together. Cultivate shared hobbies or interests. Finding common ground can bring you closer and provide opportunities for bonding.

Explore each other’s interests. Intentionally study the things that interest your husband or wife and enthusiastically join them, even if they do not interest you. It may take some sacrifice, but the results are worth it because they demonstrate a willingness to invest in your relationship. 

Establish daily habits,  like praying together, cooking, walking or working out.

Shared interests and values are keys to building a friendship with your spouse.

Support Each Other:

Be supportive during good moments and times of challenges. Offer encouragement and celebrate each other's successes.

During tough times, provide a listening ear and be a source of comfort. Knowing that your partner has your back fosters a deep sense of trust and friendship.

Encourage each other. Help one another excel. Also, nudge or boot each other along.

Laughter and Playfulness:

What fun things do you do together regularly that would encourage friendship with your spouse? Do you make the time to be together or have your other priorities pushed your spouse to the bottom of the list of important things in your life? Making your spouse feel like a top priority and engaging in an activity together are sure ways to build friendship into your marriage. 

Maintain a sense of humour in your relationship. Laughter can lighten the mood and strengthen your connection. Laughter and fun are keys to building a friendship with your spouse.   

Incorporate playfulness into your interactions. Play games, tease each other affectionately, and don't take yourselves too seriously.

Make fun of one another as you remember some sweet memories to enhance the bond. Be humorous with no malice or offence. It is a great way to strengthen companionship in your marriage.

Respect and Empathy:

Treat your partner with respect. Understand and appreciate their perspective, even if you don't always agree.

Practice empathy by trying to understand and validate your partner's feelings. It creates a safe space for open communication.

Celebrate each other’s differences, accept and allow each other to be themselves without judgment.

Promote openness and forgiveness in your relationship. It helps build trust between you and your partner. Trust gives you the freedom to share your challenges and achievements with your spouse. Trust is the foundation of friendship in marriage.

Shared Goals and Values:

Identify common goals and values. It could include career aspirations, family planning, or personal growth. Let it be something you both enjoy because if you aren’t excited about the activity, you won’t continue. Working together toward shared objectives can deepen your connection and create a sense of unity and friendship.

Continual Growth:

Set and work towards life goals with one another. Dream together. Plan together.

Encourage each other's personal development. Support your partner's goals and aspirations, and take an interest in their growth.

As individuals evolve, adapt and grow together as a couple. Embrace change and see it as an opportunity for mutual development.

Express Gratitude:

Respect each other and treat one another equally. Cheer on each other’s successes. Lean on one another in times of need. Appreciate your spouse. Be considerate of each other. Be forgiving of one another- don’t hold grudges.

Regularly express gratitude for the positive aspects of your partner and your relationship. Acknowledge the little things that make your connection special.

 Appreciate Each Other:

You feel appreciated when your spouse makes it a habit to consult you before making any major decision. It means your opinion counts in their lives. Besides, it gives you a sense of responsibility in case of any plan failure.

Feeling appreciated and valued enhances friendship within a marriage.

Marital success is the work of two friends who have unconditional love for one another and are willing to sacrifice for their marriage. Being there for each other, being in constant touch, enjoying the relationship, being honest, making each other a part of one’s future, and making them a priority, form a strong bond of friendship with a spouse. 

Building friendship in a marriage is an ongoing process which requires both partners' effort. By consistently investing time, energy, and emotional support into your relationship, you are creating a strong foundation of friendship that will contribute to the long-term success of your marriage. Friends share the joys and sorrows of life. Having your spouse as your best friend is a great benefit to your marriage. 

Friendship is one of the characteristics of a happy and lasting marriage, as well as the foundation of a healthy marriage. Couples who are genuinely friends look forward to spending time together. Their activities and interests are enhanced because their spouse is their favourite person who shares life experiences with them.

The friendship between a couple can make the bonds of marriage stronger. They can share things with each other while feeling no fear of judgment from their partner. Their relationship will flourish because of this and grow stronger over time.

Friendship in marriage is cultivated and nurtured through years of married life. If you feel emotionally and physically apart, you can still nurture your friendship to desired levels. 

The benefits of cultivating friendship in marriage?

1. Increased marital satisfaction

Research shows that having your partner as a great friend in marriage significantly increases marital satisfaction.

The benefits of marital friendship are long-term and last well into the mature years.

2. Improved intimate communication.

Being a good listener promotes intimacy in relationships helps build clarity and avoids marital conflicts.

3. Increased emotional and physical intimacy.

You build intimacy through the sharing of personal information.

You achieve intimacy when you open up to the other person and let them into your life.

The key to achieving intimacy is trust– you must be comfortable with the other person to share intimate information.

Intimate relationships are more fulfilling when built upon a strong friendship. Great relationships enhance physical connection and emotional intimacy.

4. Increased forgiveness for your mistakes.

Being mindful of your manners can help to promote peace in your relationship.

As humans, making mistakes is in our DNA. The important thing is to apologise and make amends sincerely when you make mistakes. It shows you’re taking responsibility for your actions and are willing to change.

Have a  forgiving heart to accept apologies from your spouse in your relationship.

5. Increased trust in your marriage.

Building a friendship with your partner helps to build trust and respect.

Friendships in marriages help couples discover each other’s personality and interests, fostering a strong connection. It also allows spouses to weather their difficult seasons together.

You build a healthy marriage on mutual trust and respect. Couples who cultivate these qualities in their relationship have a better chance for happiness and longevity.

Why do people tolerate abuse in relationships?

I visited my sister in Lugbe, Abuja and met a crowd of women in front of her house shaking their heads and muttering. A man just beat his wife to death and ran away abandoning her corpse and four children in the house. I listened to her neighbours narrating a litany of abuses she suffered all through the ten years of the marriage.

And I asked, why did she remain in such an abusive marriage until it claimed her life?

One of the reasons they told me, was the children. Then another said it was an Abuja marriage, meaning the man didn’t pay her bride price, they met in Abuja, cohabited and had children. Another woman said the dead woman was ashamed of going back to her people with children born out of wedlock. 

There was this case of a very pretty young girl, age 22 whose marriage was just a year, with a five-month-old baby when she came to me. We talked, and she pulled off her cloth and showed me her body so that I will understand her story better. There were belt marks and teeth marks all over her back inflicted by her husband. It was a gore story of ill-treatment and abuse by a beast in a man’s clothing.

Why was she still in the marriage?

“Aunt, what will people say,” she asked me. According to her, she wants to give the marriage a chance to know if the man will change.

Was her family aware? Yes, they said it would be a disgrace to them if she leaves the marriage so soon. They advised her to endure and try to be good and avoid anything that would provoke the man to hit her. 

Did she report to her pastor? The pastor told her not to break her home, she should go on fasting and praying. 

She was physically, emotionally and sexually abused in the marriage. I told her to run for her life. She did but after another year of enduring physical and emotional trauma.

There are stories everywhere of women who remained in abusive marriages and relationships until they are either killed or maimed for life. I remembered the man who poured hot oil on his wife’s face. Today the woman looked like a scarecrow, her family refused her to come back home, and they insisted she would remain with the man as his wife.

Abuse is not gender-specific, some men are also victims of domestic abuse. There is the case of Police officer Dan Shishia whose wife poured concentrated sulphuric acid on his face during an argument. Not only was his face distorted, but he also lost his sight completely too.

Also, recently in Bayelsa state, a 40-year-old civil servant smashed and killed his wife with a hammer and thereafter committed suicide leaving behind six children.  Probably, after a prolonged marital crisis, he got fed up with managing, and enduring an unhappy marriage and decided to end it for both of them. If they had separated, it couldn’t have ended tragically.

I always ask why the victims endure or tolerate abuses from their abusive partners, and why they remain and do not run for their lives?  People tolerate abuses in relationships for many reasons— low self-esteem, for the sake of the children, or because of what people will say. The fear of starting afresh. Some tolerate it with the false hope there will be a miraculous change in the partner’s behaviour. And so, they remain in a psychologically and pathologically abusive relationship.

1. Erroneous Thoughts. 

Some victims erroneously believe they are responsible for making their marriage work or keeping the family together. So they stayed because they believe that is the proper thing to do. Some practising religious people, given their religious or cultural background, believe divorce is bad and avoid it to the detriment of their happiness and even health. They put up with a lot of spousal abuse because they don’t want to go against the teachings of their faith.

 2. Low Self-Esteem. 

Some victims stayed back due to low self-esteem. Most women don’t have the capacity to be on their own, they believe they will be alone forever if they leave so that keeps them grounded in toxic relationships. Some are damaged psychologically and believe most men are the same. To them the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know. They would rather manage the one they have for it’s better to stay with the person they are used to.

Some may believe they don't deserve any better than the beating they get on a semi-regular basis from their partner and accept the abuse as a normal way of life. This belief keeps them paralysed in the relationship.

3. Fear. 

The fear of starting over, the fear of being alone, and the fear of criticism from friends and family, combined make most women remain in abusive relationships. Also, the shame of what people will say keep them glued to the relationship. Most often people are quick to blame the woman and cast inauspicious remarks on her for leaving her matrimonial home.

4. Playing the martyr. 

At times people stayed in the hope of playing saviour to a dementia abusive partner. There is that belief that if they show their partner more love, and more understanding, they could change or fix them. Some tried to play the martyr by bringing up excuses to explain the abuse. They see themselves as being strong or on a God-sent mission to turn the abuser’s life for good.

Others use pity as an excuse to put their partner’s needs above their own and so hang onto the relationship. 

5. Children. 

Some women sacrifice their safety for the sake of their children.  Their concerns include: Who gains custody of the children? How will they support the children without their partner’s financial help? Some because they want their children to have two parents and not suffer the trauma of a broken home. They believe their children will be better off coming from an intact home than from a divorced one.

6. Family Expectations. 

There are family and religious pressures too. In some cultures, leaving your marriage is seen as a disgraceful and reprehensible action. Some parents will tell their daughters to endure that leaving will tarnish the family’s name and image.

7. Financial Constraints. 

Some abused people feel they cannot leave their relationships because they are economically dependent on their partners. For instance, an abused stay-at-home mother may feel she cannot leave her abusive relationship because she would have no way of providing for her children if she did. Also, the Lack of resources to start afresh on her own is another drawn back.

8. Hope for a Change: 

Many people stay in abusive relationships with the hope the abuser will change over time. This hope for change gives rise to a cycle of violence or a vicious cycle.  Many abusive partners become remorseful after inflicting violence, promise they will change and the abused accepted the apology and forgive the abuser. With time, it becomes a recurring act. This cycle makes breaking free from an abusive partner difficult. The abuse continues until the victim finds the courage to leave or is abused to death. 

9. Clergymen and pastors. 

This group of people usually focused on how to save the marriage at all costs, rather than on how to save the abused person in the relationship. They tell the person to pray more or fast more for the abuser for God to touch his/her heart and effect a change. They conclude it with a verse of scripture that says God hates divorce. Some organise counselling sessions for the abused but leaving the relationship is not always their first option.

People tolerate abuse in relationships due to illusions or hallucinations. An adult can only change if the person so desires, not necessarily because of prayers or the other partner’s tolerance level or love. It is better to leave than to stay for whatever stupid reasons you feed yourself. Your life matters.

Don’t settle for a relationship

If you want a happy, healthy relationship, then don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t meet your needs, otherwise, in the long run, you will have regrets.

You know what you want and the standard you want from a potential mate. The best thing you can do for yourself is not to lower your standard or settle for just anyone because you want to be in a relationship. Don’t put up with anyone that does not align with your values. Have a strong sense of self. No settling into a relationship with just anybody.

Until you are confident the man admires and cares for you as a person not just your body, don’t give your heart to him. And also, until you feel the man is what you want and he fits into the type of person you desire for a relationship. He is a compatible partner.

It is heart-wrenching to note that most women don’t even know what they want in a partner and so they settle for whoever comes around with a friendship proposal, only to realise too late they have made a mistake.

Any woman with a vision should know the kind of man who aligns with her vision and value in life. Without a vision, a woman can blindly settle for any man because she doesn’t know what she wants. If a woman doesn’t know where she is heading in life, she will likely end up in the wrong place with the wrong man.

Why am I being particular about women? Because it takes a woman’s consent for a relationship/marriage to commence. Without a woman saying yes to a man’s proposal or friendship overture, nothing happens between them.

So, sis, before you jump into that relationship before you say yes to his proposal, shine your eyes and search your heart well and make sure he is who you want. And not someone you just want to settle down with because of pressure from your family, friends and society.

This is what my friend, Christine Vidal-Nwachuku of Courtship Academy wrote on this issue:

“A few years back, my husband accompanied me to a departmental store to help select clothes for myself.

After picking up a few dresses on display, I entered the fitting room. 

As I wore each, I stepped out and did some catwalks and turnarounds for my husband.

Thumbs up for some, thumbs down for others.

I ended up not picking some that he gave the thumbs up. Why?

They were lovely on display, and when I wore them, but they were not my type.

I knew I would be flushing our hard-earned Dolapo down the drain by picking them because I wouldn’t wear them. 

They were not me. 

It’s for this same reason I tell singles, no one can select a spouse for them.

The person may look nice but may not gel with who you are.

Marriage is great when you’re with the right person that suits you.

Consider these scenarios.

Gbenga works in an oil company and has a child outside wedlock. Your family approves of him but deep down you know you don't want to care for a child that's not yours. 

Sis, just waka instead of putting this child at risk of improper care and yourself at loggerhead with potential hubby, Gbenga.

Bros, you are with this girl whose father has all the right connections that can turn your life around at the snap of the fingers. 

She will look good on your CV of life.

But you're a traditionalist who believes a woman's place is in the kitchen, and this babe doesn't know where to turn on the stove.

Bros, she no bi ya type, just waka. No use ya hand pluck kata-kata come enta ya house.

Leave her for the man who doesn’t care about who cooks and when.

Sis, you want to pursue your career and you're determined there's nothing that will stop you from pursuing a doctorate. 

At 35, you feel you are getting on in years and should settle down. 

Luckily, Duza has come to your rescue.

But he always has negative views whenever discussions or TV programs involving successful women who are excelling in their careers or businesses come up. 

Yes, it's important to acquire MRS. title but more so to embark on this life journey with someone who will not smother your career plans. 

He is not your type, put him back on the ‘rack’ for the lady who is ready not to pursue books and career upandan.

Just take a walk. Don't settle for him.

Joseph is a correct guy, except that he has trust and anger issues. 

Any ding from message dropping in your phone, he reaches for it. 

If you no gree na serious Mohammed Ali style you go receive. See ehn, no just think dis one, comot shoe, run for ya life. 

Except you are the type that likes to receive such packaged gifts, then he will be a perfect fit. 

Of course, he is such a handsome guy. Some abusers are not ugly, dey fine d.i.e.

You think say Peter planned for Osinachi to dye? 

Mba! 

Na wrong action for wrong place dey cause am and sorry no fit correct dis own o.

Sis, Anyida is ready to slide the ring on your finger but you must prove your fertility by getting pregnant first.

You want to abstain till marriage but there is pressure for you to get married. Your family sees nothing wrong with pregnancy before marriage.

Ahn ah! That means he's not your type naa.

If you don't know yourself, it will be hard to choose a spouse that brings that bliss you desire in marriage.

That's how you will take your hand scoop sand and pour on your face.

Anyone that's not your type, return to 'rack.'

This is why we created Module 4 at our Online Courtship Academy to show you How Knowing Yourself Guides You During Courtship.

Even if you have entered courtship, which is like the fitting room in my story, if you discover the person is not your type, return to ‘rack.’

 In this case, serve hot breakfast. 

If not, be ready to change your name to ‘Endurance’ after marriage.”

Your No-Nonsense Coach.

#onlinecourtship Academy.

 

Court Intelligently & Enjoy Your Marriage

Some say marriage is like a groundnut; you must crack it first to see what is inside. In other words, you have to get into it to understand it. But is that what it should really be? You would agree with me that it would be horrible to crack it and see a rotten nut. Unlike groundnut that you can quickly trash, you cannot easily throw away a terrible marriage and move on.

Imagine you picked up a tomato, looked at it, felt it. If you noticed a bruise, an odour, its juices dripping, or fruit flies following it. Would you buy it? Certainly not! These are signs that show you it is spoilt inside and unlikely to make a good meal.

Imagine knowing the person that would dish out misery in marriage right during the Courtship. That’s what courting intelligently does. You can smell and identify those that are trouble.

Christ aptly said,

“Beware of false prophets who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit.” Matthew 7: 15-18.

In using the word ‘Beware’, which means ‘look out for, be careful.’ He showed it was possible to identify no-gooders. Verse 20 tells you what to look out for — their fruits. By their fruits, you will know them. The person you choose to marry is like a fruit. The person shows you what the union has in stock for you by their conduct. Do not be deceived by cosmetic appearance. If it’s not the real thing, it is not.

Osinachi was a top Nigerian gospel singer based in Abuja whose death sparked outrage on the internet as her family alleged domestic violence. In an interview with BBC Igbo, Osinachi’s twin sister, Amarachi Eze, confirmed there were signs that her husband was trouble, from the beginning. He rushed to pay her bride price without courtship. It finally manifested in the marriage.

Refuse to be stampeded or rushed into marriage. Insist on a period of courtship – an intelligent one. It’s your time to know what type of fruit you will get.

Intelligently courting leads you to a marriage you will enjoy. It enables you to identify red flags and allows you to either fix them or walk away.

My book, Before You Say I Do, reveals some dangerous signs people ignore in a potential spouse.

Imagine you are courting a man that gets angry at the slightest or no provocation. He even slapped you the other day because of a disagreement that led to an argument. But you wink at this giant red flag. You make excuses–after all; you provoked him. You let their physical attributes and or financial prowess becloud your senses.

As a woman, you may say, “Oh, this man fits the type of husband I have been praying to marry. I am over 30 years old. Why should I let a one-off slap make me lose him? Who knows if and when another will come? And after all, he even apologized,” you rationalize.

A month after the wedding, you receive your first post-marriage baptism of pounding. You suddenly begin to wonder what went wrong. You put your hands on your head and wail, “God, why did you bring this type of man to me? Why did you allow this to happen to me?” The blaming game begins. It’s now God’s fault.

Really? Please leave God out of it. He never allowed it. YOU did! Most marriages are troubled or fail because there’s no proper foundation built through intelligent courtship. Sadly, we spend years preparing for a career that costs huge sums, yet no one is trained or adequately equipped with the skills of knowing how to select a spouse before entering a union that can make or mar one for life. We often think we know. After all, are our parents not married and okay? But are they okay?

Most endure marriage because many societies frown on divorce. Though it has become like eating cardboard, they struggle to keep the façade and maintain a union that has lost its lustre. First, understand there’s a difference between dating and courtship. Dating provides an appointment to meet various personalities and determine the type that may likely suit you in marriage. Date widely before diving into courtship.

Dating leads to courtship, not marriage. Courtship is when you isolate one person to decide whether you’re compatible for a lifetime union. It is the waiting room of marriage. Date, court, engage, then marry. You are unintelligently courting if all you do is assume the role of a spouse to someone you’re yet to marry. Or your principal concern is for the person to cater to your basic needs.

Intelligent courtship starts with getting the foundation right. In Luke 6:48, Christ illustrated how digging deep and laying a foundation on the rock ensures that storms and floods can’t destroy the house because it’s well built. You, as a person, must be anchored in the belief that marriage is to be mutually enjoyed and not tolerated. You must have your no-go zones and refuse to compromise on what is fundamental to your happiness. Then, you must know yourself and what you want. “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.” Luke 14:26-27 Jesus wanted followers who knew themselves.

They had to ask themselves if they were ready to love Christ more and their families less. To die to self and care about others. To let go of their own will and trust Him no matter what. He wanted those ready to develop trust and friendship with him, those who would love him to death. To follow Him, they needed to know if they had these qualities because that would determine how smoothly the relationship would go.

They had to know themselves first. I have discovered it’s the same with courtship. To court intelligently, you have to know yourself. When you know your values, goals, aspirations, beliefs, health status, likes, and dislikes, you will know who can complement you and who to avoid! You have to know yourself, not fake yourself. It means being yourself. Being a chameleon increases the risk of getting a spouse that isn’t suitable for you. Stay true to yourself because someone is looking for such a person. You don’t have to masquerade to find true love. Rebekkah is a perfect example here.

Abraham's servant made a request to God to know the right lady to select for Issac. “I will ask one of them, ‘Please give me a drink from your jug.’ If she says, ‘Yes, have a drink, and I will water your camels, too!’—let her be the one you have selected as Isaac’s wife. This is how I will know that you have shown unfailing love to my master.” Then Rebekah came along in her usual manner, fetched water, and was walking away when Abraham’s servant quickly went to her, “Please let me drink a little water from your pitcher.”

And she said, “Drink, my lord.” After he finished drinking, she said, “I will also draw water for your camels until they have finished drinking.”

He didn’t ask, but she offered to draw water “… until they have finished drinking.” The servant had 10 camels. She saw them before she made the offer.

I learned that a thirsty camel could drink about 30 gallons at once. Multiply 30 gallons by 10 camels. 300 gallons, right? Rebekah couldn’t have carried more than 5 gallons at a time. So divide 300 by 5. If you got 60, you are correct. She made 60 trips back and forth to draw water from the well to give the 10 camels enough water to quench their thirst.

She was not faking anything to become wife material. It was who she was. She did what he was precisely looking for - without even knowing! Being yourself is vital because someone is looking for your type. Never fake it.

My husband was a young Christian when he met me. He was looking for a woman who knew the word of God. I was minding my business, contributing to a group Bible study he walked into late. I didn’t know him nor what he wanted in a wife. But immediately he heard me contributing. He knew he had met the type of person he wanted as a wife.

By the time I was later introduced to him that day, he knew he had met his wife. He knew himself and what he wanted. I wasn’t faking anything or trying to impress anyone. I was just myself! Even before he proposed to me, 19 days after we met, I knew he was the one for me. Though I had an aversion to people from his tribe due to tribal stereotypes, I knew he complemented me and had the qualities I wanted in a man. I knew he was the one I should walk the long road of marriage. Why? I knew myself. I knew what I wanted. I was real. I had gotten to know him, too. Above all, I courted intelligently.

Intelligent courtship means asking the right questions to know your potential partner in-depth for you to determine suitability. Relying on God for guidance and trusting your gut feelings when anchored on God. This is one reason I am against selecting a partner for someone. I may not be able to deal with a husband that smokes or has a child before marriage, but you may. That is why you first need to know yourself and what you want and can live happily with. And then, know the one you want to wake up every morning to see for the rest of your life.

In our Courtship Academy, you receive a digital copy of our Compatibility Workbook for Courting Couples containing practical questions you should ask your potential partner before exchanging vows. Questions touching various aspects of life. They are part of the questionnaires I developed and used in my courtship that helped cement our love and laid a solid foundation for our over thirty-four years of blissful marriage.

Incompatibility issues may not mean an outright breakup. It, however, allows you to discuss and reach a compromise. It enables you to process all necessary information to make an informed decision, including walking away. Two can only walk together if they agree (Amos 3:3).

Marriage is no experiment, nor is it a joke. It is serious business, and you should treat it as such. This is what my online Courtship Academy is all about. We show you how to know the fruits you are looking for and how to intelligently find them.

In a sex-soaked world, it appears impossible to court without having sex. But the truth is that sex isn’t a part of intelligent courting. Once it comes into the mix, it messes with your thought processes. You begin thinking with your groin, not your head, especially if, as a lady, you were disvirgined by the person.

To court intelligently, stay away from sex. Leave it for marriage with the person you have carefully selected and vetted. This is apart from the risks of sexually transmitted diseases (STD), transfer of hostile spiritual forces, pregnancy, and abortion. But it doesn’t mean you do not talk about sex. Sex is a vital part of marriage and worthy of in-depth discussion.

Finally, please ditch the old saying that love is blind. No, it isn’t. My husband says his love had big goggles, which enabled him to confirm what he wanted in a wife and go for it.

These are a few basic strategies for intelligent courting that would ultimately prepare you to enjoy your marriage. At Courtship Academy, we show you the how, and much more!

I look forward to welcoming you into this online platform where we guide singles and courting couples to wisely decode a potential partner and determine if both genuinely match.

By Christine Vidal-Wachuku (Courtship coach & Author)

Foundations for a healthy marriage.

Every weekend and some weekdays people celebrate marriages. Every day, marriages are collapsing around us. As more people are rushing in, more people are rushing out. Marriage is going extinct, so some say and one wonders, is it the dead or dread of marriage that brings about the disintegration of the institution of marriage?

Marriage is instituted for a happily-ever-after, that is the concept, that is what every couple has in mind as they take the vows. However, the dreamy eye brides soon discover that the bed of roses they envisioned has thorns in it and the prickle soon shocks them to wakefulness. What they see and the experience becomes different from their expectation and perception. All because people go into marriage with the wrong impression.

Some people enter the “marriageship”, for unhealthy reasons. This is where the problem lies because before they finish saying I do, the marriage is already heading toward an iceberg that will shatter and sink it. It’s just a matter of time.

Before you propose or say yes, first ask yourself some relevant questions like:  

Am I ready for marriage?

Is he/she who I want to spend the rest of my life with? 

What are my beliefs about love? 

Not many people marry for happily-ever-after or marry for true love. Marriage is meant to be a lifelong partnership.

There are those who enjoy their partners- and by extension their marriage and those who endure their partners and by extension their marriage,

Whether you enjoy or endure your partner depends on the foundation on which your marriage was planted. As the saying goes. “What you sow is what you will reap.”

Did you accept the marriage proposal for the right reason or for the wrong reason?

Accepting a proposal for the wrong reasons included:

Pressure from friends and family.

Don’t ever be with someone because you’re pressured to accept the person. The only reason you should ever consider marrying the person is simply that you love being with the person. 

Often friends and family pressure you to get married because you have reached the age of getting married. Everyone is on your neck, to please them and ease the pressure you succumb to it and marry the first person that comes your way or the one recommended for you.

To live happily-ever-after, marry because you have found the right person to settle down with. Someone you feel you can share your life and personal space with.

Single and desperate.

Because you’re single and feel the time is no longer on your side, and you see yourself as a soon-to-be expired commodity, you settle for the first person that comes along. All you want is to be married, to who is of no great consequence to you. 

But the consequences of your hasty action will come eventually and make you regret the marriage. In the end, you feel your partner is not good enough, which leads to resentment and insecurity.

 As the saying goes, marry in haste and regret at leisure.

 Marrying for image or family name. 

The marriage will look good on paper, will bring business dividends, will unite the family, and the roll call of the attendees is the cream of the society. It’s everything considered good, but not because the two people involved actually love and admire each other.

Remember, it’s all in the photo, pictures that will become memorabilia, guests that will go home to their lives. 

You end up with the butt of a family scheme as a partner. This isn’t a script for a happily-ever-after but a one-way ticket to a toxic relationship in marriage. You will wake up every day to ask yourself how you ended up in such a marriage. 

Being naïve and hopelessly in love.

A marriage based on love, at first sight, has a greater risk of ending in disappointment than a marriage built on mutual respect and understanding. 

Some believe that once you’re in love it solves everything. That’s not true at all.

Being in love is a process that takes time and patience to build sensual and emotional connections. Most people never reach this deep connection in love. They get addicted to the ups and downs of romantic love, where feelings rule their life. And when the feelings run out, so do they.

Feelings end on your wedding day, the morning after, you will understand the difference between a wedding and a marriage because you’re about to get into the nitty-gritty of what marriage is all about. 

And those who get into it for the feelings alone get disappointed. The feelings generally last for a few years at most, and then you’re down from the dizzying high of romantic love. 

Once you’re married, and with time, romance goes out of love, you’re left with a human being with faults and imperfections whom you have to genuinely love and respect to enjoy living with. Otherwise, things are going to get rough.

Someone to complete you.

 

Some people get into marriage as a way to compensate for something lacking in their life. Some feel without marriage they’re incomplete. You marry and expect the person to fulfil your expectation of love and happiness. Love and happiness come from you; nobody gives you that.

Invariably, you will love your partner only as long as they help you feel better about yourself. You will give to them only as long as they give you what you want. You will make them happy only as long as they make you feel happy. This is a recipe for a bad marriage and a breeding ground for domestic abuse.

Do you want a vibrant, healthy, and happy marriage?

A healthy and happy marriage requires two healthy and happy individuals. The keyword here is “individuals.” That means two people with their own identities, their own interests and perspectives, and things they do by themselves, and on their own time and mutually acceptable to them.

“Happily Ever After” is not a piece of cake, all icing and sweetness. No! It’s work and a walk in endurance, patience, compromise, and intentionality.  You have to constantly remind yourself every day you wake up to love your partner – the good, the bad and the ugly part of them. And then, to love your life, for both go together. Remaining steadfast in your marriage is an intentional decision you make every day.

Some days, you feel like the world is at your feet. And some days it’s a struggle to keep to that vow, on such bad days, remind yourself why you love your spouse and why you’re in the marriage.

A love that’s alive and healthy is constantly evolving. It expands and contracts mellows and deepen. Just as life never remains static, so is your love for each other. It’s not going to remain the way it used to be in the beginning. 

The key to happiness in marriage is when you marry a partner whose values align with yours, whom you respect, love and accept, and vice versa. Another is sustaining a genuine connection by working through the everyday struggles and challenges to make your marriage work. 

Everything that makes a marriage “work” not just on the surface but a real deep connection between partners requires a genuine, deep and mutual affection for each other. Without that mutual affection, everything will be a walk in endurance.

Another writer puts it that, “relationships exist as waves–people need to learn how to ride them.”  

According to Jon Kabat-Zinn, “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf them.” 

There are constant waves of emotion going on in a marriage. Some waves last for hours or days, and some last for months or even years. Understand that the key to successfully surfing these waves lies the foundation of a healthy marriage. 

The only thing constant in life is change. People lose jobs, lose family members to death, couples relocate, switch careers, some make money, and some lose money. All these have both emotional and physical effects on people and how they handle them affects the dynamism of their marriage and their relationship with their spouses.

You can work and walk through any issue in your marriage, be it emotionally, physically, financially, or spiritually, as long as there is understanding and healthy communication between you and your partner. You can surf the waves together and come out stronger.

Marriages are imperfect relationships, sometimes messy and complicated. Simple because they are made up of imperfect, messy, and complicated humans. People want different things at different times in different ways, at times in ways you can’t even comprehend. Always remember you’re sharing a life with someone else, so you need to plan on how to accommodate each other’s needs and wants. 

When you have a finger on the pulse of each other’s needs, you will probably grow together in the marriage rather than grow apart.

Bonding with in-laws

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I received an email from a woman who asked for advice on how to gain the love of her in-laws. Her boyfriend is planning on taking her to see his family for them to begin their marriage rites.

I appreciated the fact she asked for advice on such a sensitivity issue before taking that big step in her relationship. When you are on the threshold of becoming part of a new family, the fear of acceptance is real, especially from prospective in-laws. We always approach the unknown with trepidation. Fretting over meeting in-laws to be is agonising because you will want them not just to welcome you but to accept you as part of the family. 

Foremost, individuals differ and come with their own unique baggage. So, there is no one-size-fits-all advice on how to have a perfect relationship with the in-laws. What works for one may not work for the other, but there is always a bottom line that you can change to suit your situation.

Everyone craves acceptance, especially with people you will spend the rest of your life with. However, know that acceptance isn’t an automatic ticket you will receive on arrival. It requires time and effort to earn it. Reason? Differences. We are all born into different cultural, religious, geographic, or social backgrounds. These differences inhibit our relationships with others. These hurdles you have to overcome through interaction and friction. How you interact and handle the fall-out frictions with the in-laws is the yardstick for your acceptance or rejection in the family.

How to relate with your in-laws.

1. Talk with your partner

If you’re about to meet your in-laws for the first time, you need to be well informed on what to expect. This information you can get through your partner, who knows his family better than you. 

Your familiarization interrogations should start with him. Ask questions that will give you insights into their beliefs, attitudes and culture, if both of you are from different cultural backgrounds. You will not want to commit a cultural faux pas on your first encounter with your in-laws.

Checking with your spouse on what works and what will not work with his family is a step in the right direction. He is the best person to help alley your fear and shows you how to relate with his family. It’s better you know them before you tie the knot to understand what you’re walking into.

2. Don’t put on a show. 

Never ever put up a show just to earn their approval. These are people you will spend the rest of your life with, be open, show them your real self from the onset. This will help reduce friction and acrimony in the future. If you try to show off as something or someone you’re not, it will only cause everyone problems down the line because you cannot keep on the pretence for long. 

Also, don't remake yourself to fit into the wife mould your in-laws want for their son. Don’t accept what you can not tolerate from them. Be yourself, your real self. To allow your in-laws to use you as a foot mat is not a guarantee they will love and accept you.

Be yourself. Show them how you want to be treated.

And eventually, it will work out. Project to them who you are and not what you have.

Again, do not try to over please them and fall into trouble. Show basic courtesy, be a good human being, respect them for what they are, and be helpful to them. 

3. Listen and learn

Remember, your in-laws are an integral part of your spouse's life. Understand they have loved your spouse much longer than you. They have been there throughout his life. To worm your way into their heart, make them a crucial part of your life as well. 

Remember also, you are competing with his family for his affection and attention and he has a biological connection with them already. This is another source of friction you have to handle with wisdom because jealousy is invertible. 

Fret not, all you need to do is listen, pay attention to their words and action and you will learn how to deal with your partner’s family. Be open and ready to learn about the family dynamism and how to adjust to fit into the family. Share who you are with them, and this will help develop your relationship with them.

Do not be confrontational with them until you establish a good rapport with them, which will increase your understanding of some actions. Before then, confrontation often spoils relationships that are tender and yet to have a strong root.

4. Give it Time. 

Every relationship takes time to build. It’s a gradual process, a journey of discoveries. There will be fights and arguments, but that does not mean they don’t like you. You are different, with your own set of principles and ideology, so are they too. It will take time and effort to understand and accept another’s viewpoint with love and, since they don’t know you well yet, they would be judgmental.

 Don’t give up. Always be kind. Give it time. 

You don’t need to rush the process. To make this work, learn to give in to their opinion to lessen the friction. It will show them you care about their opinions, and you are ready to accept them as a family, too.

Every relationship is like a plant that needs special attention and care in the nurturing stage. Give your best to your partner’s family, knowing you’re in it for the long haul.

5. Understand your in-laws.

 Understanding your in-laws will give you leverage on how to relate to them in the future. If you get to know them well, you will set limits and boundaries on how to interact with them. But no matter how they are, try to show them love and respect for raising up the man you found worthy to spend your life with.

Often, you hear wives complaining, “my parents will not treat me the way my in-laws are treating me. Is it because I married their son?”

Your parents’ love comes with your birth package. But your in-laws are not your parents, so don’t expect them to love you wholly. No matter how much you desire their love and affection, don’t expect it to be the same as your parents. Though there are exceptions.

Don't expect your new family to treat you exactly the way your family treats you. Love is earned. Try as much as possible to earn their love, trust, and respect. 

6. Build a Friendship. 

Love them, show them you care. Build a friendly relationship with them and include them in your life as part of your family. Chances are, they are just as nervous about connecting with you as you are about connecting with them. 

Love them, respect them and let them know your best side. It will increase family dynamism and reduce friction if you can get along with your in-laws.

Remember, your partner is equally special to them, as your relationship with him is to you. Whatever the case may be, it is important you respect them, even if you don’t like them. Engage with them, and work towards establishing a cordial relationship with them.

As human beings, we can’t do without relationships, so learn to maintain a good relationship with your in-laws. Building relationships is difficult. Attempt to spend valuable time with your in-laws, and be kind and generous towards them. The return you get on your effort will last the rest of your married life.

7. Communication is key

Communication is a key ingredient in every successful relationship. Learn how to communicate with your in-laws. If something bothers you, address it as soon as possible to clear any misunderstanding that will arise and smear your relationship with them or your partner.

Don’t bottle up anger, it leads to resentment in the future. Resentment is poisonous. It eats away the core of a relationship. Resentment also erodes trust, reliability, affection, and commitment and replaces them with negative emotions like disappointment, bitterness, and hard feelings. 

Learn to be expressive without being insulting to your in-laws.

As a new member of the family, open communication is the only you can break barriers and insert yourself into the family.

8. Treat Them Like Family. 

Your in-laws may not be blood-related, but because of marriage, they are now extended family members. They cannot replace your parents or family, but you have become an addition to the family, work to integrate yourself into the family. It’s not always easy, but no matter what, work on your relationship with them. They will only drop their guards when they see you.

Love them and treat them like family. Remember, they are part of your spouse's life before your entrance; they come with the marriage package. Treat them like family.

Respect and common courtesy go a long to make you part of the family. Even if your spouse has parents from hell or you consider his mother as a monster in law, you owe them respect and tolerance. 

 

Understand that your partner has a bond with his parents and siblings. Try not to bring strife into their relationship. Rather, maintain a good relationship with your in-laws, and be at peace with them.

9. Drop all conceived stereotypes.

Purge yourself of the stereotypes that all mothers-in-law are monsters or that there is no pleasing an in-law, no matter what you do. Try to be open-minded, adjust your thinking and adapt to the reality of the situation you meet on the ground. Yes, there will be contestation and conflict, handle it with maturity. There are people who are genuinely difficult to please or love. It’s in their DNA. Accept that and find a way around them.

See your partner’s parents as humans, imperfect, with strengths and weaknesses, good side and bad side. Treat them as you will want your future daughter-in-law to treat you.

It may not be easy to get total acceptance from every member of your partner’s family, but try to live in harmony with them all where possible. Your effort will probably pay off in the long run.