Some say marriage is like a groundnut; you must crack it first to see what is inside. In other words, you have to get into it to understand it. But is that what it should really be? You would agree with me that it would be horrible to crack it and see a rotten nut. Unlike groundnut that you can quickly trash, you cannot easily throw away a terrible marriage and move on.
Imagine you picked up a tomato, looked at it, felt it. If you noticed a bruise, an odour, its juices dripping, or fruit flies following it. Would you buy it? Certainly not! These are signs that show you it is spoilt inside and unlikely to make a good meal.
Imagine knowing the person that would dish out misery in marriage right during the Courtship. That’s what courting intelligently does. You can smell and identify those that are trouble.
Christ aptly said,
“Beware of false prophets who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit.” Matthew 7: 15-18.
In using the word ‘Beware’, which means ‘look out for, be careful.’ He showed it was possible to identify no-gooders. Verse 20 tells you what to look out for — their fruits. By their fruits, you will know them. The person you choose to marry is like a fruit. The person shows you what the union has in stock for you by their conduct. Do not be deceived by cosmetic appearance. If it’s not the real thing, it is not.
Osinachi was a top Nigerian gospel singer based in Abuja whose death sparked outrage on the internet as her family alleged domestic violence. In an interview with BBC Igbo, Osinachi’s twin sister, Amarachi Eze, confirmed there were signs that her husband was trouble, from the beginning. He rushed to pay her bride price without courtship. It finally manifested in the marriage.
Refuse to be stampeded or rushed into marriage. Insist on a period of courtship – an intelligent one. It’s your time to know what type of fruit you will get.
Intelligently courting leads you to a marriage you will enjoy. It enables you to identify red flags and allows you to either fix them or walk away.
My book, Before You Say I Do, reveals some dangerous signs people ignore in a potential spouse.
Imagine you are courting a man that gets angry at the slightest or no provocation. He even slapped you the other day because of a disagreement that led to an argument. But you wink at this giant red flag. You make excuses–after all; you provoked him. You let their physical attributes and or financial prowess becloud your senses.
As a woman, you may say, “Oh, this man fits the type of husband I have been praying to marry. I am over 30 years old. Why should I let a one-off slap make me lose him? Who knows if and when another will come? And after all, he even apologized,” you rationalize.
A month after the wedding, you receive your first post-marriage baptism of pounding. You suddenly begin to wonder what went wrong. You put your hands on your head and wail, “God, why did you bring this type of man to me? Why did you allow this to happen to me?” The blaming game begins. It’s now God’s fault.
Really? Please leave God out of it. He never allowed it. YOU did! Most marriages are troubled or fail because there’s no proper foundation built through intelligent courtship. Sadly, we spend years preparing for a career that costs huge sums, yet no one is trained or adequately equipped with the skills of knowing how to select a spouse before entering a union that can make or mar one for life. We often think we know. After all, are our parents not married and okay? But are they okay?
Most endure marriage because many societies frown on divorce. Though it has become like eating cardboard, they struggle to keep the façade and maintain a union that has lost its lustre. First, understand there’s a difference between dating and courtship. Dating provides an appointment to meet various personalities and determine the type that may likely suit you in marriage. Date widely before diving into courtship.
Dating leads to courtship, not marriage. Courtship is when you isolate one person to decide whether you’re compatible for a lifetime union. It is the waiting room of marriage. Date, court, engage, then marry. You are unintelligently courting if all you do is assume the role of a spouse to someone you’re yet to marry. Or your principal concern is for the person to cater to your basic needs.
Intelligent courtship starts with getting the foundation right. In Luke 6:48, Christ illustrated how digging deep and laying a foundation on the rock ensures that storms and floods can’t destroy the house because it’s well built. You, as a person, must be anchored in the belief that marriage is to be mutually enjoyed and not tolerated. You must have your no-go zones and refuse to compromise on what is fundamental to your happiness. Then, you must know yourself and what you want. “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.” Luke 14:26-27 Jesus wanted followers who knew themselves.
They had to ask themselves if they were ready to love Christ more and their families less. To die to self and care about others. To let go of their own will and trust Him no matter what. He wanted those ready to develop trust and friendship with him, those who would love him to death. To follow Him, they needed to know if they had these qualities because that would determine how smoothly the relationship would go.
They had to know themselves first. I have discovered it’s the same with courtship. To court intelligently, you have to know yourself. When you know your values, goals, aspirations, beliefs, health status, likes, and dislikes, you will know who can complement you and who to avoid! You have to know yourself, not fake yourself. It means being yourself. Being a chameleon increases the risk of getting a spouse that isn’t suitable for you. Stay true to yourself because someone is looking for such a person. You don’t have to masquerade to find true love. Rebekkah is a perfect example here.
Abraham's servant made a request to God to know the right lady to select for Issac. “I will ask one of them, ‘Please give me a drink from your jug.’ If she says, ‘Yes, have a drink, and I will water your camels, too!’—let her be the one you have selected as Isaac’s wife. This is how I will know that you have shown unfailing love to my master.” Then Rebekah came along in her usual manner, fetched water, and was walking away when Abraham’s servant quickly went to her, “Please let me drink a little water from your pitcher.”
And she said, “Drink, my lord.” After he finished drinking, she said, “I will also draw water for your camels until they have finished drinking.”
He didn’t ask, but she offered to draw water “… until they have finished drinking.” The servant had 10 camels. She saw them before she made the offer.
I learned that a thirsty camel could drink about 30 gallons at once. Multiply 30 gallons by 10 camels. 300 gallons, right? Rebekah couldn’t have carried more than 5 gallons at a time. So divide 300 by 5. If you got 60, you are correct. She made 60 trips back and forth to draw water from the well to give the 10 camels enough water to quench their thirst.
She was not faking anything to become wife material. It was who she was. She did what he was precisely looking for - without even knowing! Being yourself is vital because someone is looking for your type. Never fake it.
My husband was a young Christian when he met me. He was looking for a woman who knew the word of God. I was minding my business, contributing to a group Bible study he walked into late. I didn’t know him nor what he wanted in a wife. But immediately he heard me contributing. He knew he had met the type of person he wanted as a wife.
By the time I was later introduced to him that day, he knew he had met his wife. He knew himself and what he wanted. I wasn’t faking anything or trying to impress anyone. I was just myself! Even before he proposed to me, 19 days after we met, I knew he was the one for me. Though I had an aversion to people from his tribe due to tribal stereotypes, I knew he complemented me and had the qualities I wanted in a man. I knew he was the one I should walk the long road of marriage. Why? I knew myself. I knew what I wanted. I was real. I had gotten to know him, too. Above all, I courted intelligently.
Intelligent courtship means asking the right questions to know your potential partner in-depth for you to determine suitability. Relying on God for guidance and trusting your gut feelings when anchored on God. This is one reason I am against selecting a partner for someone. I may not be able to deal with a husband that smokes or has a child before marriage, but you may. That is why you first need to know yourself and what you want and can live happily with. And then, know the one you want to wake up every morning to see for the rest of your life.
In our Courtship Academy, you receive a digital copy of our Compatibility Workbook for Courting Couples containing practical questions you should ask your potential partner before exchanging vows. Questions touching various aspects of life. They are part of the questionnaires I developed and used in my courtship that helped cement our love and laid a solid foundation for our over thirty-four years of blissful marriage.
Incompatibility issues may not mean an outright breakup. It, however, allows you to discuss and reach a compromise. It enables you to process all necessary information to make an informed decision, including walking away. Two can only walk together if they agree (Amos 3:3).
Marriage is no experiment, nor is it a joke. It is serious business, and you should treat it as such. This is what my online Courtship Academy is all about. We show you how to know the fruits you are looking for and how to intelligently find them.
In a sex-soaked world, it appears impossible to court without having sex. But the truth is that sex isn’t a part of intelligent courting. Once it comes into the mix, it messes with your thought processes. You begin thinking with your groin, not your head, especially if, as a lady, you were disvirgined by the person.
To court intelligently, stay away from sex. Leave it for marriage with the person you have carefully selected and vetted. This is apart from the risks of sexually transmitted diseases (STD), transfer of hostile spiritual forces, pregnancy, and abortion. But it doesn’t mean you do not talk about sex. Sex is a vital part of marriage and worthy of in-depth discussion.
Finally, please ditch the old saying that love is blind. No, it isn’t. My husband says his love had big goggles, which enabled him to confirm what he wanted in a wife and go for it.
These are a few basic strategies for intelligent courting that would ultimately prepare you to enjoy your marriage. At Courtship Academy, we show you the how, and much more!
I look forward to welcoming you into this online platform where we guide singles and courting couples to wisely decode a potential partner and determine if both genuinely match.
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