Choose to battle your conflicts wisely.

 

Whenever two people are in a relationship there will be conflicts, no two people think alike. No matter how much you have in common, no matter your similarity, from time to time you will encounter differences that will lead to an argument.

Quarrelling with your partner is inevitable, when you have two different individuals sharing a life together, they will bring their different values and perspectives into the relationship. This makes them have different viewpoints on some things and clash over them. 

The necessity or inevitability of having conflicts in your relationship is not in doubt. However, the way you handle conflicts in your relationship will hinge or unhinge your emotional as well as physical connectedness with your partner. So be conscious and choose to battle conflicts wisely.

Choosing how to battle your conflict wisely means being selective of the problems, arguments, and confrontations that you get involved in with your partner. 

Don’t quarrel over every insignificant issue, save your time for the things that matter; things that are of the most important to the well-being of your relationship in the long run.

A pastor said he had a couple’s night with couples in his church that had been married for over twenty years. During a discussion on conflicts in marriage, most of them confessed that what they fought over at the beginning of their marriages now appeared stupid and inconsequential.

Not everything is worth fretting over. Some things simply don’t matter in the long run. 

We should instead focus on the big important things. Every conflict takes up time. Every problem you engage yourself in, takes up time, energy and emotional toll on you and your partner.

Useless arguments, jealousy, ego,  unforgiving, discontentment, a fight for dominance, pride. These are negative attitudes, and starting fights over them is a ridiculous waste of time and energy.

How to battle your conflicts wisely.

1. Don’t argue over the little things.

Instead of making every little molehill a mountain, agree not to make something a battle unless it’s truly important. It is not every disagreement that should turn into a fight. 

There are things that matter, and there are some that are not worth getting angry about. If you argue over every little thing, you will find yourself arguing endlessly; it takes a toll on your relationship over time. Save your energy for the real things that matter.

This doesn’t mean you bow to your partner’s demands when it’s something you feel strongly about. However,  take time, question the level of importance of the matter at hand and how an argument over it will affect your relationship. This will help you determine whether a fight over it is worth your time.

2. Practice understanding.

If there is a disagreement between you and your partner, don’t always fly off the handle, try to remember that the other person came into the relationship with a different background and set of experiences. 

Because of this, both of you will not reason alike, and you should not force your partner to accept your viewpoint readily.

You may not like their opinion and actions, but you should at least, try to understand them. 

This ability to understand develops emotional intimacy between the two of you. 

To clearly understand your partner and the situations they are in shows empathy on your side. Empathy makes the argument more

constructive than destructive. Empathy means having a basic understanding of what your partner is thinking and feeling.

3. Patience pays.

It pays to be cautious and patient when issues arise, if possible before the issue escalates into major friction, take deep breaths and let go and probably revisit the issue when tensions are down. Certain issues are best dealt with, with a rational mind and understanding.

But when you are in the heat of a conflict, it may not be easy to back down, walk away if you can and allow your partner to calm down. 

4. Don’t assume anything.

You should keep in mind that you and your partner came into the relationship with different expectations. Don’t automatically assume you know what your partner wants or what’s best for them. Don’t second guess your partners’ reactions to certain issues. Always ask and clarify with one another.

Clarify what the person meant by their action instead of what you perceived their action to mean. Most of the time, your partner is not intentionally trying to hurt you, and getting hurt happened to be a by-product of the action.

5. No lock is without a key.

Every problem comes with a solution. If we keep shying away from an issue without tackling it, you may fail to see the solution within it.

Without resorting to fighting, you both can get back on track and have a peaceful resolution of whatever problem is ailing your relationship. 

There is no lock in this world that comes without a key. To find the key to your problem, talk frequently and openly about everything, even if it hurts.

Don’t let inconsequential issues deprive you of the feeling of connectedness you want to share with your partner. Maturely solve all your problems and enjoy your relationship.

6. Everyone has defects by design.

Focus on the problem or the cause of the argument, don’t add more logs to the simmering fire by saying words that will ridicule your partner’s weakness or character defects.

Your partner is not the cause of your anger. Emotions such as anger are reactions to actions or words by your partner. When you’re angry with what your partner said or did, don’t vent your anger by attacking their personality. Such attacks are more damaging and have a long-lasting effect. 

7. There should be no scoreboard.

When there is an issue your aim should be on how to solve the problem and not on how to turn it into a  battle to score points.

Don’t stretch the issue because you want to prove you are right. It is better to be happy than to be right. 

Remember, in a relationship, there’s no such thing as winning an argument. There should be no scoreboard. When you end up being right about an issue, don’t wave it like a sword over your partner’s head. Don’t gloat and rub it in, it’s like rubbing salt into an injury, the burst of pain from a hurt ego might leave a long-lasting scar on your relationship.

8 Learn to communicate your feelings.

Shared feelings resolve misunderstandings and give you an inkling of understanding your partner’s words or actions. If they tell you the intended meaning of their action was not as you perceived it, believe them.

Share your side of the argument mutually and pay attention to what your partner is saying. Let your discussion over issues end in a mutually satisfactory way and not in a brawl. If you’re not satisfied with the outcome of your talk, then choose to revisit it later when tensions are not high. 

9. Don’t add new wine to an old wineskin.

When an argument is over, consider it over. When you argue, it doesn’t matter who was right and who was wrong, or who was mean and who was nice, once the argument is over, leave it there, and do not bring it up every time a new issue comes up.

The Bible says, don’t add new wine into an old wineskin, or it will burst. And so, rehashing old issues, old hurts or past anger will add resentment and frustration to your relationship.

10. Don’t fight dirty.

One of the most common ways fights can be awful is by throwing out insults and saying things you don't mean in the heat of the moment. Choose your words carefully, and be mindful of your partner’s feelings. 

Don’t use words that wound feelings and escalate friction, and don’t insult your partner or his/her family.  Don’t throw their past in their face, don’t use sarcastic words or make harsh, critical comments, no pointing of fingers or engaging in blame wars. When emotions are high, you may say rash things you don't mean, but that doesn't mean your partner won't take it to heart.

When conflict is healthy and productive in a relationship, it gives a couple an opportunity to learn about each other and how their partner sees and experiences the world. It can also generate creative solutions to problems and help the couple bond.

Ways to tackle problems of a long-distance marriage/relationship

 

Life is still happening even though you are apart from the one you want to share life with. You can live your life normally and still enjoy your marriage. It’s a choice.

Though being in a long-distance relationship often means operating within a set of limitations. Like being married and living single without the freedom of singleness. 

But there are things you can do to counteract the downsides. And that is constantly working to improve your intimate relationship and leave no room for strife. 

There are many ways in which you can make your partner happy and strengthen the overall relationship. The ways in which individuals act and react to situations have a major effect on the satisfaction and the durability of the relationship. 

Conflict management

There is no hiding it, every relationship experiences conflicts once in a while. Whether you live on another side of the world or you live together. You will face challenges in your marriage/relationship, all it requires is for you to work together to overcome them. Couples in a long-distance relationship face almost the same challenges as couples who live near each other, 

We all go through tough times which are normal, couples who are together can resolve conflict quickly than long-distance couples because distance can mask the effects of some significant relational issues and as such prolong them.

If you’re in a long-distance relationship, it’s important you’re aware of the causes and solutions of these conflicting issues, so you can catch them earlier and deal with them.

Openness in sharing feelings & activities

When you are apart most of the time, you don’t get to have the advantage of non-verbal communication to gather information on how your partner is feeling without being told. This means that you and your spouse need to be more open about sharing your feelings and activities. You will also have to listen more carefully to each other and show empathy more overtly to build your intimacy. Romance is not only a physical thing. It incorporates the emotional side of a couple.

Try conveying your feelings openly and do not assume your partner will know, always be explicit to avoid miscommunication. When you learn to openly share your feelings and activities with your partner, then your long-distance relationship will be healthy and stronger.

 A woman told me her twenty-five years of marriage so far has been long distance, she and her husband are not good in sharing their feelings, I love you or I miss you is never in their communication repertoire. But they are transparent when they talk about their daily activities, the family and the children. Initially, her husband did the visiting, now her children are all grown and schooling in the East where her husband works and lives, they stay with him during the holidays and she visits.

When she moved to a new neighbourhood, she made sure all her new friends and neighbours knew she has a husband she loves and respects, who is constantly a part of her life. Though he rarely visits.  If you did give her something no matter how insignificant the gift was, her husband must hear of it and will call the person to express appreciation. Also, if she has issues or is in dispute with anybody, she will report to her husband and he will call the person involved to resolve it. In the event of anything before she takes action she must let her husband know.

Despite the distance, she said she felt closer to her husband more than most of her friends that are living together with their husbands. It wasn’t easy initially, especially when she was still giving birth to the children, staying awake most of the night to nurse a child. Waking up early to prepare the ones going to school, doing school runs and still running her business because the husband’s salary couldn’t carry the family responsibilities.

Regular visits are important.  

I wrote earlier that absence makes the heart grow fonder. But prolonged absence can make the heart grow sour and apart. To avoid this from happening, try to visit as often as possible. If you can’t physically visit, then try to communicate daily. But don’t assume daily communication will provide enough connect to hold the relationship together. Some will claim I used to call always. Bah! That’s not enough. Spending physical time with each other is still important, your relationship may thrive on communication, but it’s not the same as actually being with one another.

When you visit, try to share house tasks with your partner, let your presence be felt within and around the house. Some men when they visit their families, they don’t help with house chores and child care. They claim they’re home to rest and so should not be disturbed. As if the woman is a workhorse who doesn’t deserve rest too.

While growing up I have a friend who had a visiting dad, whenever the man was around they walk on eggshells around the house to avoid disturbing the man and getting punished, they only breathe with ease when he leaves. They dreaded their father’s visits.

Spend quality time together  

When you visit, make the moment count. Don’t use your precious moments to quarrel or engage in petite power tussles. Instead, focus on creating memorable moments with your partner and fun time with your children. Do activities together as a family that will strengthen the family connection and enable your children to get to know their parents better. It will also make them look forward and eagerly to your next visit.

You can raise a happy and healthy family even when geographically separated from your family. All it requires is commitment and a great deal of effort from both parties. 

Have positive interactions with each other 

Let your interactions with your better half be positive, supportive and appreciative. One emotional need of every individual is the need to be supported and appreciated for all their efforts whether small or big. Such actions will prompt them to do more.

In particular, couples living physically apart from each other need lots of appreciation, assurances to love and commitment either in words and gestures, from each other to live the life of singles happily

When you are away from your partner, struggling to meet life's demands, the least you can do for each other is to appreciate one another’s efforts towards keeping the relationship afloat..

Set A Timeline

There must be a timeline that points to the possibility of living together as a couple in the future. Hope is the lifeline of a long-distance relationship. Long-distance relationships are easier to endure if there is a plan to be together. If possible, have a plan on how long the separation will last, set goals and work towards an agenda that will make spending time apart as short as possible.

 But this hope and anticipation are for couples who have a healthy and happy relationship, not for those who see the separation as a blessing because of insurmountable relational issues that had made it impossible for them to co-exist peacefully under the same roof.

Trust Each Other  

A long-distance relationship cannot survive without trust.

The key to fostering and maintaining trust in a relationship is for both partners to be completely transparent and vulnerable: remember, both of you are miles away physically, it’s likely you will go through problems of trust when such happens, react in the right manner, resolve it with wisdom and understanding.

Pray for each other

It will take humility, self-discipline, love, and commitment to each other and prayer, to tackle long-distance issues. Having the fear of God and committing your relationship into His hand; praying for one another constantly is necessary. Often, it takes the grace of God for couples to survive the temptations inherent in living apart.

Use social communication methods 

Couples are taking advantage of technology to help them bridge the gap of separation. Writing letters is how couples exchange meaningful information long distances in the olden days. Today, communication is easier and faster with the popularity of the internet, cell phone and  social networks such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and the rest

Using mobile devices, and internet service, have altered long-distance relationships and make it less challenging to sustain.  Many long-distance couples today can stay in constant touch wherever they are, and the communication technologies available to them allow them to share even the most mundane details. This gives couples more opportunities to talk about things that can create closeness and make separation less stressful and more enduring.

Don’t give up hope 

Problems in a long-distance relationship can be manoeuvred with the right levels of maturity.

 Maturity is a key to maintaining a long-distance relationship 

If you are not mature enough to handle issues in a calm and collected manner, you will hurt each other adversely,

If you’re experiencing some long-distance relationship problems, don’t give up hope. While serious issues are unavoidable, know that every problem has a solution. Your relationship will survive if both of you really work hard to make it a success. Once you're married you share something precious, something eternal, don’t lose it or allow the distance to rob you of its joy. If you love each other genuinely, no distance can separate you.

It is all in your hands. Even if you are miles apart or close to each other, only YOU can make your marriage a happy and healthy one.