One of my father’s workers, Friday, once brought a woman to the house and introduced her to Chief, as his wife. Chief was sceptical and asked the woman twice if Friday was her husband, which she affirmed. Chief prayed and blessed them. Some weekends, Friday would take off to Port Harcourt to visit his wife.
This happened years back. On the first day of this year, my phone rang, and I picked it up. It was Friday after we exchanged pleasantries and a happy new year. He told me he is now in Port Harcourt and has been there for a year now.
Thinking he has finally joined his wife there, I asked about her.
“Aunty, who?”
“Your wife that stays in Port Harcourt. The one you brought home and presented to chief?”
“Oh, aunty, that woman. Na the woman wey I take hold body and enjoy myself. My wife and grown-up children dey my village.”
I was speechless.
I was in a saloon one day with two ladies. One was seeking advice. A man she had lived with for three years asked her to pack out of his house that he wouldn’t marry. His reason: she is three years older than him. According to her, the guy was aware of the difference in their ages before the commencement of the relationship. They have made plans for the future and contributed money to rent a flat since they both work and earn good salaries.
It appeared the guy wants to settle down but not with her. Probably, he has seen someone he wants to marry and wants her out of his life. Invariably, for the three years she lived with him, she was just a place-holder, someone he used to “hold body” until he meets the woman he wants to marry.
Last year, one of my friends came gushing about a guy she met. In her words, “the guy is loaded and knows how to spend money.” I was happy for her. Four months later we met, and I asked about her rich boyfriend.
“The guy wants to take the relationship to the next level,” she told me
“When is the wedding bell going to toll?” I asked.
“I don’t want to marry him.”
“Why?” I was confused.
She sighed. “See, the bobo is good. He has a heart of gold, but…”
I waited.
“The guy ugly no be small.”
“Excuse me?”
“He is not somebody I can proudly introduce to my friends as my husband.”
“So, what have you been doing with him?”
She shrugged. “He is just my man for the moment and not a forever thing.”
That means the man is a placeholder in her life. She just wanted to catch a cruise, and enjoy the man and his money until someone she feels is better comes along.
Who is a place-holder in a relationship?
A place-holder is someone who temporarily fills or occupies a place in someone’s life.
Urbandictionary.com described a placeholder as “the person one dates, makes out with, or sleeps with while waiting or actively searching for the love of one’s life.”
Often you’re in a relationship with someone and for all intents and purposes, you believe you are partners, but unknown to you, you're just holding the place for someone because your partner plans to end things when he or she meets their true love, whether they are consciously aware of that fact or not.
You are in a relationship and it didn’t work out, probably because of certain circumstances and you ended it. This is a normal occurrence, it is not all relationships that end up in marriage. Being used as a placeholder is different. It is when you know a person is not who you wanted, but you still hold on to the relationship pending when you get someone you consider worthy to be in a relationship with. It’s painful to realise your partner doesn’t think you’re the real deal but sees you as a stand-in or a placeholder in the relationship.
At the beginning of the relationship, your partner’s intention may not be to use you as a placeholder, but the “see finish syndrome,” may creep into the relationship and the person discovers you’re not what he/she wanted for a long-term and so you become a placeholder. This can happen to anyone. When you feel your partner is no longer relevant to you, it’s better to end the relationship rather than put the person on ‘hold’ or make him/her a bed warmer until someone “better” comes along.
Signs that you're a placeholder in your relationship.
When the relationship is not defined.
The beginning of a relationship is always the best time to define your feelings and set boundaries. But If your partner keeps you in the dark for a long time about their feelings. If they can’t express their feelings to you, it means you’re in the relationship alone. If your role in the relationship is not clearly defined, it becomes ambiguous.
You’ve been in a relationship with a guy for a long time and he has not defined what you are to him or make it official, he tells you he loves you but asked you not to be in a big rush to announce the relationship to friends or family members. It is a sign the guy is using you as a placeholder. It means you are keeping the spot warm while he waits for the next best thing.
Your relationship is in a closet.
Your relationship is in a closet if your partner cannot introduce you to people that are important in their life, like friends and family, even though you have been together for some time. This is so because your partner sees you as someone temporarily in their life.
They don’t consider you as an important part of their life and wouldn’t go through the trouble of letting you into their life when they don’t think you’ll be around for long.
Also, if they are concealing the relationship and you have not met his close family and friends. It’s a sign the person is not serious about you or committed to you.
In a serious and committed relationship, you should know the important people in each other's lives. But if he/she wants to appear single, they are just using you as a placeholder while they hunt for someone else.
Inability To Make Plans With You
Some people who see their partners as placeholders can be wary of any serious discussion about the future. Someone who doesn’t consider you as the real deal wouldn’t want to make a long-term plan with you. They will always use words like, “let’s watch and see,” or “let’s take each day as it comes,” to stop you from talking about any plan with them. Don't trust such false words. It shows you’re not a priority, but a placeholder.
Even when some make plans with you and it ended up all talk and no action. It's a sign they didn’t consider you worthy to remain with them in the future. If there is no evidence they are thinking about a long term with you, this could be a sign you’re not seen as the “real deal” or the “idle person.”
You're A Rebound
When someone dates you right after they got out of a relationship, chances are they are using you as a rebound and a placeholder. However, it depends on the way your partner sees you. Some rebound relationships work out, eventually.
However, some people feel sad or lonely when they ended a relationship, and might likely go into a new relationship right away to lessen the pain and trauma of the breakup. In such cases, if your partner sees you as a consolation package, then you’re a placeholder.
Your partner never takes the time to know the real you.
You’re dating someone who doesn’t seem to get along with your friends, who never feel comfortable going out in public with you. It’s an indicator the person never sees the relationship as something lasting.
A partner who cares about you and wants to have something real with you would want to know everything about you and would be interested in what makes you, you. Interested in knowing your friends and even some family members. If not, you're being used as a placeholder. Since they don’t consider you as their main choice, they wouldn’t want to get deeply involved with you.
You are never present on their social media accounts.
As social beings, we often want to know how our partners perceive us, what we mean to them and our stand or position with them in the relationship.
Typically, you see people write “in a relationship,” on their social media profile pages. Some go further to post the pictures of the love of their life so all their Instagram, FB, etc, friends know they are in a relationship with the person.
There are still some who wouldn’t do that. They don’t want people to know about their private life. It’s acceptable if everyone that matters to them already knows about your relationship with your partner. But if one reason your partner is not giving you an internet presence is that they still want to present themselves as available to others, then you’re a placeholder in the relationship.
Your partner doesn’t have time for you.
When a partner feels you are unnecessary or unimportant in their life, they will accord you little or no time in their daily schedule.
If your partner is not putting energy or time into the relationship, or your role in their life is being downplayed. They only call when they need you for something, probably sex, or fill-in- dates for parties and social events. Then you’re a placeholder in the relationship.
Your partner calls you or seeks your attention when it’s convenient for them, and when they feel like it, without consideration for your needs and time, it’s a sign you’re being used as a placeholder.
If you are in a relationship and feel uncertain about whether your partner sees a future with you or you’re not feeling as connected as you’d like to be. If you are not treated as a significant part of your partner, you don’t feel you’re an essential part of their life. You don’t feel valued in your relationship. You’re a placeholder.
Your partner shies away from commitment.
If you’ve been dating your partner for a long time and each time you talk about commitment and they tell you they are not yet ready to settle down, it probably means you are not what they want or who they want to settle down with.
You’re a “tag-along” date for occasions like birthday parties, weddings, or office parties, which end in his bed. But a discussion never happens nor did he give you a concrete answer on what your relationship is or where it’s going. You are just a flavour of the moment. A placeholder and a bed warmer. Just friends with benefits. He provides the dates and you supply the sex.
However, if both of you have discussed having a long-term commitment, and it seems like they are not showing up or investing in moving the relationship to the next level, your efforts to talk about it are being ignored or swept aside. You need to re-assess the relationship. Probably you have become a placeholder and they are using you to “hold body.”
Your partner is not paying any attention to you.
A partner who wants a serious relationship with you will want to know everything about you, will want to know how you spend your day, will listen to you and pay attention to both your said and unsaid words.
But if they rarely ask about your day, never listen to you, never remember what you tell them and aren't paying any attention to your needs. Then, you need to think twice about the relationship, for these are all signs of a partner who doesn’t care about you. When the person doesn’t show care and attention, then you’re a placeholder in the relationship.
Your partner doesn’t respect or trust you.
If your partner isn't treating you with respect, if they don’t trust you and they are not honest with you, then you're a placeholder. Respect is an important component of a committed relationship, then trust and honesty are part of love.
A partner who loves you and wants a genuine relationship with you will respect you as a person, respect your views, your needs, and your boundaries. Respect in a relationship is important because it shows you are valued.
The person will also trust you and be honest with you about their needs, their feelings and expectations from you and the relationship.
When you see these flags, pay attention to them. You are not meant to be a placeholder. You are to be loved, cherished, respected, and valued in your relationship. So, it is crucial to know where you stand with your partner in your relationship.
People who use others as placeholders are selfish and have a self-serving attitude about their partner in the relationship. They’re aware you have feelings for them and they take advantage of that to get what they want from you. Like my friend who was dating a man, she didn’t want to commit because he was ugly.
