Prolonged victimisation of a person and their inability to express their feelings lead to suppressed emotions that fester grudge, frustration, and disappointment. These harboured negative emotions lead to anger against the person who wronged or hurt them. Resentment is an emotional reaction to accumulated negative feelings, mistreatment, or maltreatment by another person.
We can also define it as the eruption of bottled up emotions, like fear, anger and disappointment, for your partner. When such underlying feelings become overwhelming, they spilt into bitterness, hatred and disgust.
Because we harbour these feelings, they would build and are likely to explode with a trigger, probably an argument over something insignificant or a careless utterance. As it is said when you push a person to the wall, the only option is to fight back. So, resentment is a “fight-back” action, a defence against negative treatment.
According to Wikipedia, resentment is a complex, multilayered emotion that has been described as a mixture of disappointment, disgust, anger, and fear. Inherent in resentment is a perception of unfairness (i.e. from trivial to very serious) and is a generalized defence against unfair situations (e.g. relationships or unfavourable circumstances).
Effects of resentment on your relationship
Resentment is cancerous. It eats away the core of a relationship. It is also corrosive; over time, resentment erodes trust, reliability, affection, commitment and replaces them with negative emotions like disappointment, bitterness, and hard feelings.
Resentment is poisonous and toxic. It affects how you think about your partner and even how you interact with them.
Resentment eats through all the good parts of your relationship. When this happens, trust and love in a relationship are broken and can be irreparable or irreversible over time.
Resentment breaks the emotional connection between partners and increases misunderstanding and dissatisfaction. Instead of a mutual compromise, the couple flings insults and accusations at each other. Emotional pain, mental trauma, discontentment, and deeper resentment will follow.
Resentment kills trust and commitment. With resentment, the level of trust between you and your partner is affected drastically. You don’t believe in your partner or rely on them. When you lack trust, your commitment to your relationship slacks. When you are getting less from your partner, you start giving less and less to the relationship.
Resentment is like a two-edged sword. It cuts both ways. It does not hurt just your partner, it also hurts you. Resentment makes you grumpy and so creates a distance between you and your spouse. Nobody enjoys being around an angry person. The anger that comes with resentment makes you lash out at people around you. When you feel resentful towards your partner, you often bark at them or make sarcastic remarks to display your anger.
Resentment can grow to be retaliatory. It could possibly lead to violence or a strong desire for revenge when it becomes hard to let go of your anger. Holding on to such negativity inflicts pain on you. Over time, it takes a toll on your mental health.
Unresolved resentment leads to higher levels of discontentment that can lead to a loss of physical intimacy between couples. You don’t feel attracted to each other anymore. If there is no more intimacy left in a marriage, the relationship is as good as dead.
The first step towards solving any problem is to accept there is a problem. Resentment in a relationship has several red flags, which you can identify if you are observant.
Here are some of the signs and symptoms to watch out for:
Anger
Frustration
Hostility
Bitterness
Hard feelings
Uneasiness
When these feelings become unbearable, they give rise to some negative emotions actions such as
Constant quarrelling over issues
Feeling of neglect
Withholding intimacy or affection.
Finding faults with each other.
Feeling of detachment from the relationship.
Withholding of sex.
What causes resentment in a relationship?
Bitterness, indignation, irritation, pique, dissatisfaction, disgruntlement, discontentment, bad feelings, hard feelings, ill will, acrimony, rancour, animosity towards your partner for having been treating you unfairly.
These are the things that bring about these feelings.
1. Adjustment problem
A relationship is the coming together of two individuals with different ideologies and perspectives. For them to coexist, they will need adjustments and an understanding of each other’s requirements and needs. However, with a lack of adjustment, the tendency to hurt each other’s feelings is high. Then, there will be complaints and, over time, resentment will probably creep into the relationship.
Make sure your values, goals, and view are aligned as a couple. Make mutual compromises when necessary. Differences in core values should be addressed and discussed honestly. When you cannot do that, they become hidden sources of resentment later.
2. One-Sided Feelings
Partners are supposed to pool their efforts together to make their relationship work. In cases where one person makes all the effort, makes all the sacrifices and the other partner is lackadaisical, it can frustrate and, with time, your partner will become resentful. If you take care of your partner’s needs, and they don’t express gratitude or return the favour, you may feel you’re in a one-sided relationship, and it may cause the person to harbour resentment over time.
Relationships can get sour when duties, responsibilities and chores are not equally shared. And if one partner is keeping a mental list of contributions, it builds resentment over time. The person will feel disappointed, frustrated or hurt at their partner’s lack of care or thoughtfulness, and over time, this can turn into anger and resentment.
3. Bearing Grudges
Nothing breeds resentment in a relationship like grudges. When a partner keeps records of ill-treatment, abusive words, or recurring mistakes. These will fester the feelings of grudges towards the other.
Thoughtless remarks and taunts hurt. Embarrassment, rudeness, and unfair treatment leave marks on the heart. No one likes to be taken for granted, unappreciated, or devalued. If your partner causes you to feel that way, you may harbour resentment towards them.
When your partner steps on your boundaries without apology. When your partner manipulates or forces you into doing things that go against your will. You’re likely to hold grudges against the person.
4. Lack of appreciation.
Partners taking each other for granted in a relationship brings ill-feeling. As humans, we want to be noticed and appreciated by our partners for our efforts and kind gestures. But some do not notice the efforts their partner puts in every day to make the relationship work.
Some men don’t appreciate their wives for taking care of the children, the home and putting meals on the table for them. They felt it was the woman’s responsibility and as such sees no reason to appreciate her. This makes the woman feel disappointed and gives room for negative emotions to take up space in her heart.
Also, some women fail to appreciate their husbands for the family upkeep and instead complain about what the man had not done or try to compare their husband to their friend's husband. It makes a man feel bad and unappreciated and, over time, the accumulation of all these emotions and feelings leads to resentment.
5. Unfulfilled Expectations and Desires
People enter a relationship with reasonable or unreasonable expectations from each other. Sometimes, these expectations and desires were never fulfilled. Promises made at the beginning of the relationship are not kept.
Unfulfilled desires, expectations, and unkept promises cause disgruntled feelings. You may feel your partner has failed in fulfilling your desires and resent them for that.
A relationship based on lies breeds resentment with time. Disappointment over little things can add up to resentment over time. Honour your commitments: Keep the promises you made to your partner and be truthful.
6. An uncompromising partner
If you are in a relationship with someone who seldom listens or agrees with your perspective or opinion and feels whatever he or she does or says is always correct. It can end up making the other person feel bitter or disappointed. It can eventually turn you into a resentful spouse. When someone insists that they’re right all the time, it comes across as arrogant.
And when a partner tries to impose his/her views of the world onto another and excepted them to accept it without complaint, it’s a sure way to build resentment in the relationship.
How To Deal With Resentment
Forgive: Forgiving someone for their mistakes and letting go of the past is easier said than done. Right? But it’s natural for humans to make mistakes, so we should learn to forgive. Forgiveness is a good cure for resentment. Instead of poisoning your relationship by holding grudges, a healthy dose of forgiveness can stop the poison from spreading and can even mend some damages.
Apologise when necessary: when you’re in the wrong, learn to apologise. Resentment builds up because most people rarely admit their mistakes and so fail to tender apologies.
Articulate your feelings:
Instead of letting your problem fester in your heart, say it out, be expressive, and let your partner know where he/she has gone wrong. Communication is important in solving resentment issues.
Resentment builds up because of misunderstandings rather than actual mistakes. It is critical to discuss your grievances with your partner before they create a major issue between the two of you. The most effective method to stop resentment is to be aware of what causes it, discuss the issue with your partner, and work to resolve it.
Be honest: In expressing your feelings, be honest and tell your partner how you feel. Maybe the person might feel hurt initially, but it’s better to air it out than to bottle it up. In doing that, don’t be rude or condescending. Be polite but frank.
Empathise with your partner: Considering your partner’s nature and habits with understanding can spare you emotional stress. Trying to understand the person’s intent can head off resentment before it takes root.
Set realistic expectations and boundaries: Resentment often crops up when you put unnecessary expectations on your partners. Discuss your expectations with each other and arrive at sensible compromises. Also, setting strong health boundaries helps to stop abuses and maltreatments.
Keep the physical intimacy intact: physical intimacy can dissolve resentment. Sex, physical touches and affection can act as a balm to your relationship and bring you closer. The period after sexual activity when you’re both mellow can be the right moment to discuss your problems and get things resolved.
Resentment can creep into the best of relationships. It is better nipped in the bud before it twists and kills your love. When couples learn to speak out and address issues, it will not give room for resentment to build to a devastating level of hurt, pain, and anger. Your relationship can survive when you recognize what causes resentment and work on them.
Resolving resentment in relationships takes a lot of time, effort, and patience on the path of both partners. Remember, forgiveness, empathy, effective communication and understanding help keep resentment out of your relationship.
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