Sexual unresponsiveness in women.

One complaint I hear often is wives denying husbands conjugal rights.

A man told me, “Madam, the way my wife complains that I’m close-fisted with money is the same way she closes her thighs against sexual advances from me. Can you imagine I beg my wife for sex most nights?”

Another complained. “After my wife gave birth to twins, it took a year before I touched her again, albeit by force.”

Yet another. “I don’t disturb my wife so much for sex, but I have pleaded with her to give it to me when I need it, at least three times a mouth, but she only allows me to touch once in three or four months after many quarrels.”

It looks like some men are living with sexual frustrations in their matrimony homes. The question is, why do some wives dread sexual intercourse with their husbands? What could be the reasons for their action? Do we blame them or blame the husbands?

These are some of the complaints husbands said their wives give as reasons for avoiding sex. 

She is tired. 

She is stressed. 

She is not in the mood for sex. 

She complained I only touched her when I wanted sex.

She doesn’t initiate sex.

She is unresponsive in bed.

Causes of sexual unresponsiveness in a woman.

Stress

Some of the wives I spoke with have almost the same answer for their actions. One is a mother of two hyperactive kids. Her husband works with a bank while she is into business, selling foodstuff and provisions. She wakes around 5 am daily, makes breakfast, and prepares the children for school. She goes to the market thrice a week to buy goods for her shop. 

Meanwhile, her husband comes home from the bank, has his bath, eats and relaxes in the sitting room, watching television or pressing his phone. She closes her shop around 10 pm, and because she has no house help, she does all the house chores without help from her husband. When she eventually lies down for a much-needed rest, her husband will turn to her for sex and expect her to comply. “No way,” she said emphatically. 

When she goes to bed, sex is the last thing on her mind. She needs a rest after the many responsibilities and stress from her daily activities.

Most women are juggling different roles and responsibilities in their daily lives, as mothers, and home managers, if she is working, then career demands. Add family commitments and religious service to her to-do list. These responsibilities leave her with little time to relax and rest, so at the end of the day, sex feels like another duty she has to perform or something to endure instead of something to enjoy. Stress kills libido, and that is just the truth. 

Some wives will submit their bodies to their husbands to satisfy their sexual demands after a stressful day, out of marital obligation or wifely duty. Sex is about mutual desire and pleasure; when a woman is stressed, sexual desire does not come easily to her. If you want a rewarding sexual response from your wife, help reduce her stress levels.

Depression

Depression is another cause of lack of sexual desire in wives. When a woman is depressed or under pressure, she is not in the best frame of mind to have sex. Depression hurts a woman’s libido. The same neurotransmitters that control mood also stimulate blood flow to her genitals. If the neurotransmitters are busy elsewhere, the man has a slim chance of eliciting sexual desire from her. Pressure and menstrual circle can also cause hormonal imbalances and affect her sexual responses.

Marital disharmony

Marital disharmony can block desire. Women withhold sex as an act of resentment and bitterness against their husband's uncaring attitudes. When care and affection are no longer in the relationship and resentment has taken over, it inhibits a woman’s sexual desire and responses. Maybe the man hasn’t been supporting her emotionally. Maybe the man is not living up to his responsibilities at home. Maybe the man has been grumpy, and she has emotionally withdrawn from him.

While a man’s response to sexual desire is spontaneous, a woman’s desire is responsive to emotional stimulation that involves care and affection.

The brain is the most powerful sexual organ, and for women, the dynamism of their relationships with their husbands affects their sexuality. If she feels disrespected and uncared for or has negative emotions about her husband, she will find it difficult to exhibit a sexual desire for the man.

Unsatisfied sex

A lot of wives are battling sexual frustration too. A woman told me I should not mind her husband's complaints. He doesn’t last more than five minutes, and she is tired of having unsatisfied sex. If a woman’s sexual appetite is not adequately satisfied, it will cause a drop in her libido over time. When a woman continuously fails to experience orgasm, a natural relief of sexual tension,  it leaves a lasting psychological effect that might cause her to recoil at the thought of intercourse. 

Cultural norms 

She never initiates sex. A man told me that in his ten years of marriage, his wife has never taken the initiative on sex. And he decided not to request sex from her to see if she would take the lead, she didn’t, and after two months, she accused him of doing it outside with another woman.

Many women imbibe the cultural norms that it is shameful and wrong for a woman to ask for sex from her husband. Years of conditioning wouldn’t just go away overnight. Some of these internalised sexual beliefs lead to unhealthy sexual attitudes and inhibited sexuality. 

For another man, when his wife consents to have sex with him, she is not responsive. She just lay on the bed without contributing to the sexual act. She is more of a spectator than a participant.

When a woman sees sex as a duty. Some women believe that a married woman should submit to her husband sexually even if she doesn’t want it. She believes if she doesn’t give it to him, he will turn to another woman to get his satisfaction. She gives in to sex out of fear and obligation instead of desire and connection with her husband.

To some women, sex is just for making babies. They only accept having sex with their husbands when they want to get pregnant. This mental programming has an enormous effect on a woman’s sexuality. 

She isn’t enjoying sex.

If your wife dreads sex, she might be suffering from sexual dysfunction. In my book, Concepts of Love, I wrote, “Sexual dysfunction is the inability to respond, enjoy, or perform the sex act satisfactorily. It is also when someone cannot respond fully to sexual excitement or find sex very painful or lack the zeal and enthusiasm for a conjugal relationship.” 

I further stated in Concepts of Love, “Often, sexual dysfunction is not a problem of malfunctioning organs but with the organ's control button, which is the brain.” 

After having painful sexual experiences, a woman’s brain connects sex with pain, and she develops an aversion towards having sex. Often, some women who experience pain during sexual intercourse feel embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it with their husbands. 

Also, her sexual dysfunction might be due to earlier experiences in life, probably rape, unfulfilled sexual experience or unresolved emotional trauma in the past. You have to find out why she is experiencing pain.

And maybe you are not stimulating her enough to make sex pleasurable. According to Georg Hirth, “It is the task of the man to summon his whole power of self-command, to employ all his skill, to take all the care in his power that the woman may be ready.” 

The emphasis on making the woman ready to enjoy the sex act lies with the man.  Men get aroused easily and faster, but women need a lot more time for foreplay for their brain and body to connect and become adequately stimulated to enjoy sex.

As a man, do you take the time to get your wife ready to enjoy the sex act with you, or do you get erect and attack her gentile, ejaculate, turn and doze off without consideration for her emotional state? Don’t think only of your satisfaction alone. You have to put your woman’s satisfaction into consideration too. 

Do you know your wife’s erogenous zones? How do you stimulate them, and for how long? Some women require a longer time for stimulation, and some need elaborate procedures to be ready. A man should know how to touch his wife to build up her sexual desire. When a man lacks performance techniques to stimulate a woman, her responses would be affected the next time he demands sex from her.

Again Georg Hirth warms that. “The man who thinks of his gratification and who leaves his partner ungratified is a brutal being or, if not brutal, then he is simply ignorant of the harm he is doing.”

Steps men should take.

I have listed a lot of factories that make a wife avoid sex, and here are the measures men should take to ignite their wives' desire and keep it burning.

Communication. 

Have you tried to talk with her to find out her reasons for dreading sex and discuss how to resolve it? Communication is a key element of a healthy marriage. With communication, you can resolve sexual tension.

Be a responsible man around the house.

Help in taking care of some of the household's chores. Don’t leave all the domestic work for your wife to handle. The more you help, the less burned out she’ll be. Offer to take care of the kids at times so she can have some time to rest. 

Be attentive.

Be interested in what is going on in her life. Ask about her day and listen when she talks. It shows care and attention. When a woman feels cherished and fulfilled in the relationship, both emotionally and physically, she will be much more in the mood for sex with you.

Tender loving care.

Treat her with respect and appreciate her contribution to the family in your daily interactions. Once in a while, pamper your wife a little and let her feel she is loved and not a glorified house girl.

Be sensitive to your wife’s experiences and her cultural internalisation about sex. Let issues about sex not be a taboo topic of discussion between you and your wife. It takes two committed people who value their marriage to work towards harmonious sexual intimacy.

Whereby it is beyond what the man can handle, then talking to a Certified Sex Therapist can be very helpful and will provide him with insights and a better understanding of how to tackle the issue.

Setting goals for your relationship.

It’s that time of the year when people make New Year's resolutions or plans for the year. In making your plans or resolutions for the year, don’t leave your relationship behind, it is the pivotal wheel of your life. If you’re happy and comfortable every other aspect of your life will align to give you peace of mind.

If you do not feel happy, secure, and valued, in your relationship this is the time to do something about it. This year, evaluate your relationship, set goals and make plans to overhaul and improve on it to get value.

Having a good relationship gives off a beautiful feeling. To maintain this feeling, you have to work with your partner to strengthen the bond of your relationship.

Also, if your relationship has lost its lustre and is in a stale mode, try to revamp and add more spark to your relationship To add spark to your relationship and ensure it doesn’t die out, all you have to do is set relationship goals.

What are relationship goals?

Relationship goals are the aims and inputs that a couple wants to achieve and experience in their relationship. It is also a set target a couple looks forward to achieving to build a stronger and healthier bond.

How to work on your relationship goals

Create time for your partner and make it a daily ritual to connect, communicate and share the details of your day with your partner. It’s important to sit together to share what each other went through for the day. Listening very carefully, and being present while your partner is talking, try to remove any form of distraction. Be free and open, talk your heart out.

* Though love is the backbone of every relationship, however, friendship plays just an important role in promoting a healthy relationship. Work on your friendship and have your partner’s back at all times. Becoming each other’s best friend promotes comfort when you two are having a conversation, joking around and cherishing each moment just like you would with your besties.

* Keep your sex interesting. Don’t let it be a dull and monotonous activity. Look for ways to spice things up and work hard to please each other in bed.

* Build more support channels for each other. When things go wrong, don’t engage in blame war, rather strive to have each other’s back no matter what and support each other in the darkest times.

*Do something new once a month. It’s never good to remain the same as monotony is terrible for relationships. Go the extra mile to keep things fast-paced and exciting in your relationship.

* Take extra care of how you look at least once a month by staying on top of your fashion game because the single biggest killer of any relationship is a drab, boring, and dull presence that your partner might lose interest in very quickly.

* Handle conflicts with patience. Remember that conflict is inevitable in a marital relationship. Instead of avoiding problems and conflicts, you should adopt a collaborative, problem-solving mindset to ensure you’re always ready to resolve conflicts when they arise.

Conclusion

No one is perfect, so there is nothing like a perfect relationship. A genuine love relationship is making a conscious decision to accommodate your partner, their weakness and vulnerabilities.

Every relationship is a work in progress and there is always room for improvement and growth, that's why you need to evaluate your relationship from time to time to improve on it.

If you’re not happy or satisfied with your relationship, you can work to improve it to get the happiness and satisfaction you want.

Just Overwhelm Yourself (J.O.Y)

“Joy in one’s heart and some laughter on one’s lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.” — Hugh Sidey

One weekend I was out with a friend for a point-and-kill fish and a drink at an open bar. As we took our seats, I noticed a young, bearded and handsome guy sitting alone at a table beside us. Fela’s music was blasting on the speaker and the guy was singing along. 

My attention kept going to him not because he was sitting and drinking alone. NO. My instinct told me the guy was trying hard to make himself happy. His actions and the animated smile were obvious signs of inner distress. 

He sang along with whatever music was on, shook his body, threw his hands in the air and sometimes drummed on the table while sipping his drink. I noticed only a bottle of beer on his table but when he called the waitress twice for more drinks, I looked under the table and saw about five empty bottles. I became more convinced the guy was not only chasing his happiness but drinking away his sorrow. And No, he wasn’t drunk just dunking whatever was ailing his heart with alcohol.

Inwardly I lauded his actions, instead of pining away at home, he came out in the open to drink and catch some fun, alone.  When you feel overwhelmed by circumstances beyond your control. Get up and get out, if you don’t drink or have the money for a bottle of drink, talk a walk around your neighbourhood.

Do whatever will make you happy. Chase happiness, you’re entitled to it but not at someone’s else expense. Don’t wait for someone to make you happy, and don’t put the key to your happiness in someone’s hand, you will be disappointed.

Cultivate the spirit of joy in your heart. Only when your Joy is full and running over does happiness flourish. Joy is internal, happiness is external and often depends on happenstance, but Joy is a state of being that flows from inside you.

Don’t let anyone or circumstance steal your happiness or extinguish your Joy. There’s always a reason to cry, grieve or get angry when provoked, however, it’s only for a season. Don't stretch it.

In this new year, Just Overwhelm Yourself (J.O.Y) with happiness, laughter, and love.

Infuse laughter into your life. If you find no reason to laugh, fake it until you learn to laugh without a reason. Also, you can count your blessings. Considering the good things in your life will give you a reason to smile, and laugh. A peal of undiluted laughter is a sign of unbridled joy in the heart.

So, Laugh Out Loud!!!

Start the year with a sound of laughter. Let it bang and resonate around you.

Laugh at your stupidity

Laugh at your quirk

Laugh through your dreadful days

Laugh away your sorrow.

Laugh at situations rather than bemoan them.

Laugh at your own mistakes and foibles.

Laugh at the absurdity of life.

Look for the humour in an unpleasant situation, and laugh.

John Chinaka Onyeche's Poems

Breathing in pages of papers

And let us say these prayers again

If it is not what it is to be a writer

That when the last bell is tolled on

We will meet again.

With our hands clung to pages of papers

Where we had written our unheard pains

And the world thought we were jokes

For the words and languages, we experiment

But no, never they understood us

They never knew what pain we bear in our hearts

Like the cymbal clashes for tones

Our hearts were heated and hit by pains

That we think of nothing again but words

And these words that we hide within them

In these pages of papers, we will be found

Breathing after this breath is put away in death

When I think of you, my Africa

From this forest to no-land

From no-land to this forest

We are sitting as its survival

From the blackness of our tales

From the tales of our blackness

We are still survival of the earth

-the indigenous people of this land

Born to bear the brunt of history

The history we have failed to learn from

The same keeps repeating itself in our hands

Like scooping water into a basket

The water runs back to its source

Nights that echo back our names

When the nights come without twinkling stars, I

have learned the act of surviving your absence, as

this is another way for a dark-skin lad to make his

beds in memories of the future he knows not. I have

mastered this art now, this art where I tucked in

between my palms - our pictures, those we took

when we exchanged those vows before men and

angels that we will live for each other till the stars

are no more in the firmament of our hearts. I know

that this was not one of those promises whispered

behind the walls of my heart - that you had longed

for this one lost - lad to call your own. But it is a

decade now since you enticed the Moon into your

palms and shaded it not to give its light for a

sojourner with time and to a peaceful - night - walk

with your man in the meadows - of fringed petals -.

For loving you now, a terror to behold by the same

hands that held you yesterday and called you

beloved. Now, how is this love misjudged and

killed at the altar of tongues unbridled for the nights

that echo back our names?

    © John Chinaka Onyeche

John Chinaka Onyeche is an author, poet, and teacher of History and African History. He is the author of many poetry books. He is the Best of Net Nominee. 

John Chinaka Onyeche (A Poet)

Author's Hangout With Zizi

John Chinaka Onyeche is a tenacious young man with a voracious hunger for knowledge and expansion of his horizon through books and the writing of poetry.

I remember his wife telling me, “John will use the last money on him to buy a book rather than buy a meal.” This shows his level of addiction to books.

It’s not surprising that when he picked his pen to write poetry, they came out in a torrent. Imagine having eight published poetry books in a year. What a fait accompli when you add the fact that he is a full-time undergraduate and works with a private firm too.

His poems have been featured in many international anthologies, poetry sites and magazines. He is an esurient reader as well as an author of many poetry collections. Writing poetry according to him is not just a means of escape from the many issues of life but also, a means to share his life and story with a wider audience.

Tell us about yourself?

John Chinaka Onyeche is an author, poet, and teacher of History and African History. He is the author of many poetry books. He is the Best of Net Nominee. A husband, and father of two lovely kids from Igbodo Etche LGA of Rivers State, Nigeria. John writes from the city of Port Harcourt in Rivers State, Nigeria, and is currently a student of History and Diplomatic Studies at Ignatius Ajuru University of Education Port Harcourt Rivers State. 

How and when did your writing journey begin?

Ans: Well, I have been writing since when I was 20 years old. I remembered reading a collection of love text messages and being that I was raised a Jehovah’s Witnesses, I felt like this is not good for a Christian, I don’t know if I was a religious fanatic then. What I did was to tell myself that; I am going to write my own kind of presumed good books people would read and be inspired positively because I thought that love text message books were bad ones.......smiles.

Why did you choose to write poetry?

Ans: First, I didn’t study English nor know the rudimentary of writing it, but one thing is for sure, I loved written words and had wanted to write my thoughts out for people to read and be blessed in whatever way my little stories would stir them. I chose poetry because I couldn’t find many words and languages to write my thoughts on one particular thing over and over again. Maybe, tomorrow I might employ a ghostwriter to help me write my long stories. Yes, in poetry, I find few words to tell my heartfelt stories and they go a long way to help my readers feel my experiences in life. Yeah, I love poetry.

Where and how do you get ideas for your poems?

Ans: I am a troubled young man. Yes, I realised this lately, and I am trying every day of my life to live out the good within me and nothing more or less. My ideas for poetry come in many forms and ways, as the muse leads me to write. Sometimes it may be looking at nature or things happening around me. I took my time to write them down on a small scale and later developed them into poems I would read and feel at ease with the writing.

Is there any author or book that influenced you in any way, growing up or as an adult?

Ans: I would start by saying that, I used to read only motivational books and Christian literature. Then, I stumbled on “The Lost Symbol” by Dan Brown. I loved everything about the novel and its secrecy which led to my quest for almost all his books. The suspense made me glued to the books and although I never thought of writing poetry then. Dan Brown stood out to me. Another author was Anthony Robbins, In The Light Of Truth, and books like The Alchemist, The Power Of Now, and The Richest Man In Babylon, etc, all but to mention a few, really helped me.

Tell us about the challenges in getting your first book published?

And: When I started writing poetry in 2020, I got some acceptance from journals and literary publishers, I joined some writing groups, and one that I still remember was the one owned by Stanley Umezurike, and after a while, I wrote to him, he encouraged me to try publishing a collection of my poems. I didn’t have all it takes to get the job done, so I started submitting my manuscript to publishers, and a majority of these publishing firms were vain publishers. What do I mean? Yeah, any publisher who asks you to pay to publish your manuscript and afterwards pay you royalties is not a good one for any writer, and writers shouldn’t be tempted to sign such agreements. 

I know what I wanted but as a student with a low income, and a family to support too, there was money to pay anyone to publish my book. I took my time to make a lot of friends from outside the box (Facebook). One day, Mike Zone messaged me that he owns a publishing press and would like to publish my book and send 40 copies of the book. I recalled what I read from the book The Alchemist, “The universe conspires to bring to you those things that you seek”. That’s exactly how it happened to me.

.

How do you market your work? What avenues have you found to work best for you and has it been rewarding?

Ans: None of my books is self-published. They are all under contract with monthly updates on sales of the books. So, all I do is after the publishers publish the books, they send me the links on the Amazon page, and I share them on my Facebook, Twitter and other social media handles I have an account.

Tell us about your recent poetry book, The 21 Atonements and what inspired the collection of poems in the book?

Ans: There is no better way a broken young man like myself could live except to live in those poems therein 21 Atonements. I was battling with marital issues. My marriage heading towards a rock with my wife’s continued anger towards me for reasons I am yet to know. She is hell-bent on quitting the marriage. The 21 Atonements are reminiscent of my daughter’s birth on the 27th of October 2022. I received a call from my wife’s elder sister that my wife was booked for an emergency(C/S) birth. As an orphan child, so many emotions came to my mind, and I could not find anyone to share them with. I quickly downloaded a Notepad from the play store and started writing short words as my broken spirit led me to write. Every day I wrote something concerning my life, my wife and our daughter. The circumstances surrounding her birth inspired me to write the collection.

The name, yes, I wanted to make it 21 notes to make my wife and daughter see the future of our lives and not judge me with my present condition and also to acknowledge the sacrifice my wife made to give birth to this daughter of ours. In the book, I told how from the day we knew she was with our second baby, she (my wife) disconnected me from being part of the family and the child. It caused me a lot of traumatic moments each time I saw a pregnant woman.

“Your scar came with a life

But I am the earth without form

that does not worth it even...

Yet, you bore the darkness

bringing the light.”

—the beauty of our earth

That’s my acknowledgement of her sacrifice at the opening of the collection.

How long does it take you to write a poem?

Ans: Well, I don’t think I have written any poem in a day. I always go back to each poem,  read it, examine it and add more to the poem. Except I’m so broken in spirit that I write poetry and post it on my Facebook page for friends to read and comment on. There are poems I haven’t finished writing because I got lost in the lines, and I decided to drop them. Yeah, that is how it goes.

Do you write any other genre besides poetry?

Ans: I am yet to venture into other genres. I am yet to master poetry enough to think of any other genre. I remember trying to write a short story before, and after reading what I wrote, it didn’t feel good, so I know that’s not my calling....smiles. If the story is to be well written, it will be a good moral lesson for humanity at large. Funny enough, the manuscript is still with me, and from time to time, I read it and laugh out loud.

What is your work schedule like when you’re writing?

Ans: I took poetry seriously during the COVID-19 pandemic, and ever since then, I have been trying my best to keep writing every day. I gained admission to the university to study history and diplomatic studies in 2019, and I got married to my wife in 2020, and in December of that same year, we had our first child. Also, I work with a security firm from Monday to Sunday. In a week, I just have only one day off duty. My study is full-time, and because of this, I have worked myself to become a night Wolf. I swap with my colleagues who don’t like night duty to enable me to attend my morning classes. Those nights I’m on duty, I burn my candles and write my life out on ink and paper. Although it has not been easy for me, I thank God for keeping me alive and well. By God’s grace, I will be rounding up my studies in 2023. to God and Rev, Fr KC be all glory and appreciation.

What was one of the most surprising things you learned in writing your poems?

Ans: I have learned a lot about this art called poetry. I see it as another way to live your story, be it good or ugly. Instead of crying over the past and the things I passed through, I took to writing poetry to purge myself emotionally. I can boldly say that in the course of my writing poetry, I have come to love my life and the stories behind it.

How many poetry books have you written? Any favourite and why?

Ans: For now, I have the following collections to my name: (1) Echoes Across The Atlantic (2) We Returned To Kiss The Cross (3) A Night Tale At Threshold Of Howl (4) The Broken Fort (5) A Good Day For Tomorrow’s Coming (6) Stateless (7) 21 Atonements and a Chapbook making them (8) 

I published all these books in one year. But every one of these collections has something to tell the human world. 21 Atonements has today become my favourite as it speaks to me as a person and my family life in a nutshell.

What are the challenges you face as a poet?

Ans: Poetry is not a paying craft for younger people like myself, and I wonder if it will pay tomorrow. We all have our stories to tell, and that’s why I have resolved to tell my own story if it pays or not, I will continue making my story count.

You wouldn’t believe that after writing (8) collections of poetry books, I can’t boast of $100 in my account from these books. That’s my own story, and it might be different from that of others.

What are your other interests outside reading and writing? How do you relax?

Ans: I just have three things that I love so much, (1) reading (2) writing (3) helping make books for friends. Some time ago, I thought of running a firm that would provide literary advice and help people in the global village of writers. This dream gave birth to what I call “Ask Ajc Group Ltd”. My vision is to answer questions and provide literary guidance to those in need of the services. I believe gradually it will come to be. I have been using my little scene in the writer's world to do it. It gives me joy.

How do I relax? Honestly, I don’t think I have enough time to relax. Perhaps when I am through with my studies and have fewer activities, I will find time to relax.

In your writing journey, what are the most important lessons, you’ve learned?

Ans: Well, I have learned that every good writing requires dedication and that we all have a story to tell as humans. I have come to know that in my little way, I am contributing too.

Give us an interesting fact about any of your books.

Ans: Well, one of the facts about these collections is that I live in 80% of those words written therein. So, when you pick up any of them to read, know that you are reading a story about someone who is not ready to give up on life, regardless of whether life on Earth is sweet or bitter.

How has being a writer helped your personality growth, and where do you see yourself in the coming years with your writing?

Ans: Being a writer has helped me in critical thinking and not diving into anything that may jeopardise my reputation as a person. In school, some of my contemporaries speak about me even when I am not in their midst, and some lecturers engage with me in intellectual reasoning. Yes, that’s what being a writer has helped me to become.

I want to become a better writer than I am today, and soon, I see myself becoming a history teacher or any other subject that will help people gain knowledge.

I am open to learning and welcome every means by which the quest for learning offers me.

What do you consider your best accomplishment?

Ans: Writing a collection of poems published in and outside the African continent while I am still an undergraduate student in history, not English or literature. To me, it is an accomplishment.

Do you have any advice for aspiring writers, especially in your genre?

Ans: To the one who wishes to find writing as a way to live, now is the time and not tomorrow. It is now or never. Also, don’t be too fast to publish your manuscript. Take time to develop it, get good and established writers to read the manuscript and give you feedback on what to do to improve it. And also, if you can afford it, engage a good editor for your book.

You can reach John Chinaka through the following means:

Rememberajc.wordpress.com

Facebook.com/jehovahisgood

Twitter.com/apostlejohnchin

Apostlejohnchinaka@gmail.com

https://linktr.ee/Rememberajc

https://internationalbookworld.webador.com/john-chinaka-onyeche

Why do people tolerate abuse in relationships?

I visited my sister in Lugbe, Abuja and met a crowd of women in front of her house shaking their heads and muttering. A man just beat his wife to death and ran away abandoning her corpse and four children in the house. I listened to her neighbours narrating a litany of abuses she suffered all through the ten years of the marriage.

And I asked, why did she remain in such an abusive marriage until it claimed her life?

One of the reasons they told me, was the children. Then another said it was an Abuja marriage, meaning the man didn’t pay her bride price, they met in Abuja, cohabited and had children. Another woman said the dead woman was ashamed of going back to her people with children born out of wedlock. 

There was this case of a very pretty young girl, age 22 whose marriage was just a year, with a five-month-old baby when she came to me. We talked, and she pulled off her cloth and showed me her body so that I will understand her story better. There were belt marks and teeth marks all over her back inflicted by her husband. It was a gore story of ill-treatment and abuse by a beast in a man’s clothing.

Why was she still in the marriage?

“Aunt, what will people say,” she asked me. According to her, she wants to give the marriage a chance to know if the man will change.

Was her family aware? Yes, they said it would be a disgrace to them if she leaves the marriage so soon. They advised her to endure and try to be good and avoid anything that would provoke the man to hit her. 

Did she report to her pastor? The pastor told her not to break her home, she should go on fasting and praying. 

She was physically, emotionally and sexually abused in the marriage. I told her to run for her life. She did but after another year of enduring physical and emotional trauma.

There are stories everywhere of women who remained in abusive marriages and relationships until they are either killed or maimed for life. I remembered the man who poured hot oil on his wife’s face. Today the woman looked like a scarecrow, her family refused her to come back home, and they insisted she would remain with the man as his wife.

Abuse is not gender-specific, some men are also victims of domestic abuse. There is the case of Police officer Dan Shishia whose wife poured concentrated sulphuric acid on his face during an argument. Not only was his face distorted, but he also lost his sight completely too.

Also, recently in Bayelsa state, a 40-year-old civil servant smashed and killed his wife with a hammer and thereafter committed suicide leaving behind six children.  Probably, after a prolonged marital crisis, he got fed up with managing, and enduring an unhappy marriage and decided to end it for both of them. If they had separated, it couldn’t have ended tragically.

I always ask why the victims endure or tolerate abuses from their abusive partners, and why they remain and do not run for their lives?  People tolerate abuses in relationships for many reasons— low self-esteem, for the sake of the children, or because of what people will say. The fear of starting afresh. Some tolerate it with the false hope there will be a miraculous change in the partner’s behaviour. And so, they remain in a psychologically and pathologically abusive relationship.

1. Erroneous Thoughts. 

Some victims erroneously believe they are responsible for making their marriage work or keeping the family together. So they stayed because they believe that is the proper thing to do. Some practising religious people, given their religious or cultural background, believe divorce is bad and avoid it to the detriment of their happiness and even health. They put up with a lot of spousal abuse because they don’t want to go against the teachings of their faith.

 2. Low Self-Esteem. 

Some victims stayed back due to low self-esteem. Most women don’t have the capacity to be on their own, they believe they will be alone forever if they leave so that keeps them grounded in toxic relationships. Some are damaged psychologically and believe most men are the same. To them the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know. They would rather manage the one they have for it’s better to stay with the person they are used to.

Some may believe they don't deserve any better than the beating they get on a semi-regular basis from their partner and accept the abuse as a normal way of life. This belief keeps them paralysed in the relationship.

3. Fear. 

The fear of starting over, the fear of being alone, and the fear of criticism from friends and family, combined make most women remain in abusive relationships. Also, the shame of what people will say keep them glued to the relationship. Most often people are quick to blame the woman and cast inauspicious remarks on her for leaving her matrimonial home.

4. Playing the martyr. 

At times people stayed in the hope of playing saviour to a dementia abusive partner. There is that belief that if they show their partner more love, and more understanding, they could change or fix them. Some tried to play the martyr by bringing up excuses to explain the abuse. They see themselves as being strong or on a God-sent mission to turn the abuser’s life for good.

Others use pity as an excuse to put their partner’s needs above their own and so hang onto the relationship. 

5. Children. 

Some women sacrifice their safety for the sake of their children.  Their concerns include: Who gains custody of the children? How will they support the children without their partner’s financial help? Some because they want their children to have two parents and not suffer the trauma of a broken home. They believe their children will be better off coming from an intact home than from a divorced one.

6. Family Expectations. 

There are family and religious pressures too. In some cultures, leaving your marriage is seen as a disgraceful and reprehensible action. Some parents will tell their daughters to endure that leaving will tarnish the family’s name and image.

7. Financial Constraints. 

Some abused people feel they cannot leave their relationships because they are economically dependent on their partners. For instance, an abused stay-at-home mother may feel she cannot leave her abusive relationship because she would have no way of providing for her children if she did. Also, the Lack of resources to start afresh on her own is another drawn back.

8. Hope for a Change: 

Many people stay in abusive relationships with the hope the abuser will change over time. This hope for change gives rise to a cycle of violence or a vicious cycle.  Many abusive partners become remorseful after inflicting violence, promise they will change and the abused accepted the apology and forgive the abuser. With time, it becomes a recurring act. This cycle makes breaking free from an abusive partner difficult. The abuse continues until the victim finds the courage to leave or is abused to death. 

9. Clergymen and pastors. 

This group of people usually focused on how to save the marriage at all costs, rather than on how to save the abused person in the relationship. They tell the person to pray more or fast more for the abuser for God to touch his/her heart and effect a change. They conclude it with a verse of scripture that says God hates divorce. Some organise counselling sessions for the abused but leaving the relationship is not always their first option.

People tolerate abuse in relationships due to illusions or hallucinations. An adult can only change if the person so desires, not necessarily because of prayers or the other partner’s tolerance level or love. It is better to leave than to stay for whatever stupid reasons you feed yourself. Your life matters.

Are you good to yourself as a writer?

I was recently inspired by a writer friend of mine who has a writer’s study with a vintage singer sewing machine table holding her laptop and all her various writing stationery. From her study, she can hear the sea and be so inspired without moving from her home! She can
from her window watch boats coming and going from the harbour! That is a writer’s dream for some of us! Other dreams are seeing our books being filmed, receiving glorious reviews and writing books, the world hankers for! When we achieve our dreams and goals it means we are being good to ourselves as a writer.

I made a list of all my writing goals:

 Get a tripod stand /camera for my YouTube posts
 Put my latest books in bookshops
 Browse literary websites for my benefit
 Attend free courses on self-publishing[KDP]
 Copyright my books to USA/UK
 Enrol my books with 2D2/ Ingram spark/ Okada/ Selar
 Explore reading communities like the Net galley, etc
 Engage more with Alli/ Reedsy online
 Be active on my own blog

Then, I came upon this scripture and realised that God was talking to me: “But be doers of the word and not hearers only – James 1:22a NJKV. Indeed, how will I achieve my writing goals and realise my dreams if I hear so much literary meat that is shared but do not act on them? But please if this is you: Procrastination, Self-indulgence, Laziness, Creating invisible barriers, Excuses and Wishful thinking, tick off the list one by one ASAP and get on track! Be good to yourself. You may have some distractions or genuine handicaps from life issues such as health, family, finance, work, etc. still try your best and God will do the rest. I try to be good to myself a little and want to improve on that. 

Most of my books encourage, and promote healthy relationships between couples, friends, and family members and how to solve problems. Now I want to move over to do more poetry and storybooks for children. New updates on this will appear on my website: www.olusolasophiaanyanwuauthor.com

Christian writers have their faith and trust in God, the giver of dreams and inspiration by His Holy Spirit. My prayer is that what God started in your writing life will be completed by His grace. Hebrews 10:35 says, “Don’t cast away your confidence; it will richly bless you.”
This means we need to PERSEVERE so that we can accomplish what the Lord has laid in our hearts to share with the world for His glory. Then we will attain our writing goals and accomplish our writer’s dreams! This is having a good relationship with yourself as it will bring you joy, contentment and accomplishment.

Written by,
Author Sophia Anyanwu.