Just Overwhelm Yourself (J.O.Y)

“Joy in one’s heart and some laughter on one’s lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.” — Hugh Sidey

One weekend I was out with a friend for a point-and-kill fish and a drink at an open bar. As we took our seats, I noticed a young, bearded and handsome guy sitting alone at a table beside us. Fela’s music was blasting on the speaker and the guy was singing along. 

My attention kept going to him not because he was sitting and drinking alone. NO. My instinct told me the guy was trying hard to make himself happy. His actions and the animated smile were obvious signs of inner distress. 

He sang along with whatever music was on, shook his body, threw his hands in the air and sometimes drummed on the table while sipping his drink. I noticed only a bottle of beer on his table but when he called the waitress twice for more drinks, I looked under the table and saw about five empty bottles. I became more convinced the guy was not only chasing his happiness but drinking away his sorrow. And No, he wasn’t drunk just dunking whatever was ailing his heart with alcohol.

Inwardly I lauded his actions, instead of pining away at home, he came out in the open to drink and catch some fun, alone.  When you feel overwhelmed by circumstances beyond your control. Get up and get out, if you don’t drink or have the money for a bottle of drink, talk a walk around your neighbourhood.

Do whatever will make you happy. Chase happiness, you’re entitled to it but not at someone’s else expense. Don’t wait for someone to make you happy, and don’t put the key to your happiness in someone’s hand, you will be disappointed.

Cultivate the spirit of joy in your heart. Only when your Joy is full and running over does happiness flourish. Joy is internal, happiness is external and often depends on happenstance, but Joy is a state of being that flows from inside you.

Don’t let anyone or circumstance steal your happiness or extinguish your Joy. There’s always a reason to cry, grieve or get angry when provoked, however, it’s only for a season. Don't stretch it.

In this new year, Just Overwhelm Yourself (J.O.Y) with happiness, laughter, and love.

Infuse laughter into your life. If you find no reason to laugh, fake it until you learn to laugh without a reason. Also, you can count your blessings. Considering the good things in your life will give you a reason to smile, and laugh. A peal of undiluted laughter is a sign of unbridled joy in the heart.

So, Laugh Out Loud!!!

Start the year with a sound of laughter. Let it bang and resonate around you.

Laugh at your stupidity

Laugh at your quirk

Laugh through your dreadful days

Laugh away your sorrow.

Laugh at situations rather than bemoan them.

Laugh at your own mistakes and foibles.

Laugh at the absurdity of life.

Look for the humour in an unpleasant situation, and laugh.

John Chinaka Onyeche's Poems

Breathing in pages of papers

And let us say these prayers again

If it is not what it is to be a writer

That when the last bell is tolled on

We will meet again.

With our hands clung to pages of papers

Where we had written our unheard pains

And the world thought we were jokes

For the words and languages, we experiment

But no, never they understood us

They never knew what pain we bear in our hearts

Like the cymbal clashes for tones

Our hearts were heated and hit by pains

That we think of nothing again but words

And these words that we hide within them

In these pages of papers, we will be found

Breathing after this breath is put away in death

When I think of you, my Africa

From this forest to no-land

From no-land to this forest

We are sitting as its survival

From the blackness of our tales

From the tales of our blackness

We are still survival of the earth

-the indigenous people of this land

Born to bear the brunt of history

The history we have failed to learn from

The same keeps repeating itself in our hands

Like scooping water into a basket

The water runs back to its source

Nights that echo back our names

When the nights come without twinkling stars, I

have learned the act of surviving your absence, as

this is another way for a dark-skin lad to make his

beds in memories of the future he knows not. I have

mastered this art now, this art where I tucked in

between my palms - our pictures, those we took

when we exchanged those vows before men and

angels that we will live for each other till the stars

are no more in the firmament of our hearts. I know

that this was not one of those promises whispered

behind the walls of my heart - that you had longed

for this one lost - lad to call your own. But it is a

decade now since you enticed the Moon into your

palms and shaded it not to give its light for a

sojourner with time and to a peaceful - night - walk

with your man in the meadows - of fringed petals -.

For loving you now, a terror to behold by the same

hands that held you yesterday and called you

beloved. Now, how is this love misjudged and

killed at the altar of tongues unbridled for the nights

that echo back our names?

    © John Chinaka Onyeche

John Chinaka Onyeche is an author, poet, and teacher of History and African History. He is the author of many poetry books. He is the Best of Net Nominee. 

John Chinaka Onyeche (A Poet)

Author's Hangout With Zizi

John Chinaka Onyeche is a tenacious young man with a voracious hunger for knowledge and expansion of his horizon through books and the writing of poetry.

I remember his wife telling me, “John will use the last money on him to buy a book rather than buy a meal.” This shows his level of addiction to books.

It’s not surprising that when he picked his pen to write poetry, they came out in a torrent. Imagine having eight published poetry books in a year. What a fait accompli when you add the fact that he is a full-time undergraduate and works with a private firm too.

His poems have been featured in many international anthologies, poetry sites and magazines. He is an esurient reader as well as an author of many poetry collections. Writing poetry according to him is not just a means of escape from the many issues of life but also, a means to share his life and story with a wider audience.

Tell us about yourself?

John Chinaka Onyeche is an author, poet, and teacher of History and African History. He is the author of many poetry books. He is the Best of Net Nominee. A husband, and father of two lovely kids from Igbodo Etche LGA of Rivers State, Nigeria. John writes from the city of Port Harcourt in Rivers State, Nigeria, and is currently a student of History and Diplomatic Studies at Ignatius Ajuru University of Education Port Harcourt Rivers State. 

How and when did your writing journey begin?

Ans: Well, I have been writing since when I was 20 years old. I remembered reading a collection of love text messages and being that I was raised a Jehovah’s Witnesses, I felt like this is not good for a Christian, I don’t know if I was a religious fanatic then. What I did was to tell myself that; I am going to write my own kind of presumed good books people would read and be inspired positively because I thought that love text message books were bad ones.......smiles.

Why did you choose to write poetry?

Ans: First, I didn’t study English nor know the rudimentary of writing it, but one thing is for sure, I loved written words and had wanted to write my thoughts out for people to read and be blessed in whatever way my little stories would stir them. I chose poetry because I couldn’t find many words and languages to write my thoughts on one particular thing over and over again. Maybe, tomorrow I might employ a ghostwriter to help me write my long stories. Yes, in poetry, I find few words to tell my heartfelt stories and they go a long way to help my readers feel my experiences in life. Yeah, I love poetry.

Where and how do you get ideas for your poems?

Ans: I am a troubled young man. Yes, I realised this lately, and I am trying every day of my life to live out the good within me and nothing more or less. My ideas for poetry come in many forms and ways, as the muse leads me to write. Sometimes it may be looking at nature or things happening around me. I took my time to write them down on a small scale and later developed them into poems I would read and feel at ease with the writing.

Is there any author or book that influenced you in any way, growing up or as an adult?

Ans: I would start by saying that, I used to read only motivational books and Christian literature. Then, I stumbled on “The Lost Symbol” by Dan Brown. I loved everything about the novel and its secrecy which led to my quest for almost all his books. The suspense made me glued to the books and although I never thought of writing poetry then. Dan Brown stood out to me. Another author was Anthony Robbins, In The Light Of Truth, and books like The Alchemist, The Power Of Now, and The Richest Man In Babylon, etc, all but to mention a few, really helped me.

Tell us about the challenges in getting your first book published?

And: When I started writing poetry in 2020, I got some acceptance from journals and literary publishers, I joined some writing groups, and one that I still remember was the one owned by Stanley Umezurike, and after a while, I wrote to him, he encouraged me to try publishing a collection of my poems. I didn’t have all it takes to get the job done, so I started submitting my manuscript to publishers, and a majority of these publishing firms were vain publishers. What do I mean? Yeah, any publisher who asks you to pay to publish your manuscript and afterwards pay you royalties is not a good one for any writer, and writers shouldn’t be tempted to sign such agreements. 

I know what I wanted but as a student with a low income, and a family to support too, there was money to pay anyone to publish my book. I took my time to make a lot of friends from outside the box (Facebook). One day, Mike Zone messaged me that he owns a publishing press and would like to publish my book and send 40 copies of the book. I recalled what I read from the book The Alchemist, “The universe conspires to bring to you those things that you seek”. That’s exactly how it happened to me.

.

How do you market your work? What avenues have you found to work best for you and has it been rewarding?

Ans: None of my books is self-published. They are all under contract with monthly updates on sales of the books. So, all I do is after the publishers publish the books, they send me the links on the Amazon page, and I share them on my Facebook, Twitter and other social media handles I have an account.

Tell us about your recent poetry book, The 21 Atonements and what inspired the collection of poems in the book?

Ans: There is no better way a broken young man like myself could live except to live in those poems therein 21 Atonements. I was battling with marital issues. My marriage heading towards a rock with my wife’s continued anger towards me for reasons I am yet to know. She is hell-bent on quitting the marriage. The 21 Atonements are reminiscent of my daughter’s birth on the 27th of October 2022. I received a call from my wife’s elder sister that my wife was booked for an emergency(C/S) birth. As an orphan child, so many emotions came to my mind, and I could not find anyone to share them with. I quickly downloaded a Notepad from the play store and started writing short words as my broken spirit led me to write. Every day I wrote something concerning my life, my wife and our daughter. The circumstances surrounding her birth inspired me to write the collection.

The name, yes, I wanted to make it 21 notes to make my wife and daughter see the future of our lives and not judge me with my present condition and also to acknowledge the sacrifice my wife made to give birth to this daughter of ours. In the book, I told how from the day we knew she was with our second baby, she (my wife) disconnected me from being part of the family and the child. It caused me a lot of traumatic moments each time I saw a pregnant woman.

“Your scar came with a life

But I am the earth without form

that does not worth it even...

Yet, you bore the darkness

bringing the light.”

—the beauty of our earth

That’s my acknowledgement of her sacrifice at the opening of the collection.

How long does it take you to write a poem?

Ans: Well, I don’t think I have written any poem in a day. I always go back to each poem,  read it, examine it and add more to the poem. Except I’m so broken in spirit that I write poetry and post it on my Facebook page for friends to read and comment on. There are poems I haven’t finished writing because I got lost in the lines, and I decided to drop them. Yeah, that is how it goes.

Do you write any other genre besides poetry?

Ans: I am yet to venture into other genres. I am yet to master poetry enough to think of any other genre. I remember trying to write a short story before, and after reading what I wrote, it didn’t feel good, so I know that’s not my calling....smiles. If the story is to be well written, it will be a good moral lesson for humanity at large. Funny enough, the manuscript is still with me, and from time to time, I read it and laugh out loud.

What is your work schedule like when you’re writing?

Ans: I took poetry seriously during the COVID-19 pandemic, and ever since then, I have been trying my best to keep writing every day. I gained admission to the university to study history and diplomatic studies in 2019, and I got married to my wife in 2020, and in December of that same year, we had our first child. Also, I work with a security firm from Monday to Sunday. In a week, I just have only one day off duty. My study is full-time, and because of this, I have worked myself to become a night Wolf. I swap with my colleagues who don’t like night duty to enable me to attend my morning classes. Those nights I’m on duty, I burn my candles and write my life out on ink and paper. Although it has not been easy for me, I thank God for keeping me alive and well. By God’s grace, I will be rounding up my studies in 2023. to God and Rev, Fr KC be all glory and appreciation.

What was one of the most surprising things you learned in writing your poems?

Ans: I have learned a lot about this art called poetry. I see it as another way to live your story, be it good or ugly. Instead of crying over the past and the things I passed through, I took to writing poetry to purge myself emotionally. I can boldly say that in the course of my writing poetry, I have come to love my life and the stories behind it.

How many poetry books have you written? Any favourite and why?

Ans: For now, I have the following collections to my name: (1) Echoes Across The Atlantic (2) We Returned To Kiss The Cross (3) A Night Tale At Threshold Of Howl (4) The Broken Fort (5) A Good Day For Tomorrow’s Coming (6) Stateless (7) 21 Atonements and a Chapbook making them (8) 

I published all these books in one year. But every one of these collections has something to tell the human world. 21 Atonements has today become my favourite as it speaks to me as a person and my family life in a nutshell.

What are the challenges you face as a poet?

Ans: Poetry is not a paying craft for younger people like myself, and I wonder if it will pay tomorrow. We all have our stories to tell, and that’s why I have resolved to tell my own story if it pays or not, I will continue making my story count.

You wouldn’t believe that after writing (8) collections of poetry books, I can’t boast of $100 in my account from these books. That’s my own story, and it might be different from that of others.

What are your other interests outside reading and writing? How do you relax?

Ans: I just have three things that I love so much, (1) reading (2) writing (3) helping make books for friends. Some time ago, I thought of running a firm that would provide literary advice and help people in the global village of writers. This dream gave birth to what I call “Ask Ajc Group Ltd”. My vision is to answer questions and provide literary guidance to those in need of the services. I believe gradually it will come to be. I have been using my little scene in the writer's world to do it. It gives me joy.

How do I relax? Honestly, I don’t think I have enough time to relax. Perhaps when I am through with my studies and have fewer activities, I will find time to relax.

In your writing journey, what are the most important lessons, you’ve learned?

Ans: Well, I have learned that every good writing requires dedication and that we all have a story to tell as humans. I have come to know that in my little way, I am contributing too.

Give us an interesting fact about any of your books.

Ans: Well, one of the facts about these collections is that I live in 80% of those words written therein. So, when you pick up any of them to read, know that you are reading a story about someone who is not ready to give up on life, regardless of whether life on Earth is sweet or bitter.

How has being a writer helped your personality growth, and where do you see yourself in the coming years with your writing?

Ans: Being a writer has helped me in critical thinking and not diving into anything that may jeopardise my reputation as a person. In school, some of my contemporaries speak about me even when I am not in their midst, and some lecturers engage with me in intellectual reasoning. Yes, that’s what being a writer has helped me to become.

I want to become a better writer than I am today, and soon, I see myself becoming a history teacher or any other subject that will help people gain knowledge.

I am open to learning and welcome every means by which the quest for learning offers me.

What do you consider your best accomplishment?

Ans: Writing a collection of poems published in and outside the African continent while I am still an undergraduate student in history, not English or literature. To me, it is an accomplishment.

Do you have any advice for aspiring writers, especially in your genre?

Ans: To the one who wishes to find writing as a way to live, now is the time and not tomorrow. It is now or never. Also, don’t be too fast to publish your manuscript. Take time to develop it, get good and established writers to read the manuscript and give you feedback on what to do to improve it. And also, if you can afford it, engage a good editor for your book.

You can reach John Chinaka through the following means:

Rememberajc.wordpress.com

Facebook.com/jehovahisgood

Twitter.com/apostlejohnchin

Apostlejohnchinaka@gmail.com

https://linktr.ee/Rememberajc

https://internationalbookworld.webador.com/john-chinaka-onyeche

Why do people tolerate abuse in relationships?

I visited my sister in Lugbe, Abuja and met a crowd of women in front of her house shaking their heads and muttering. A man just beat his wife to death and ran away abandoning her corpse and four children in the house. I listened to her neighbours narrating a litany of abuses she suffered all through the ten years of the marriage.

And I asked, why did she remain in such an abusive marriage until it claimed her life?

One of the reasons they told me, was the children. Then another said it was an Abuja marriage, meaning the man didn’t pay her bride price, they met in Abuja, cohabited and had children. Another woman said the dead woman was ashamed of going back to her people with children born out of wedlock. 

There was this case of a very pretty young girl, age 22 whose marriage was just a year, with a five-month-old baby when she came to me. We talked, and she pulled off her cloth and showed me her body so that I will understand her story better. There were belt marks and teeth marks all over her back inflicted by her husband. It was a gore story of ill-treatment and abuse by a beast in a man’s clothing.

Why was she still in the marriage?

“Aunt, what will people say,” she asked me. According to her, she wants to give the marriage a chance to know if the man will change.

Was her family aware? Yes, they said it would be a disgrace to them if she leaves the marriage so soon. They advised her to endure and try to be good and avoid anything that would provoke the man to hit her. 

Did she report to her pastor? The pastor told her not to break her home, she should go on fasting and praying. 

She was physically, emotionally and sexually abused in the marriage. I told her to run for her life. She did but after another year of enduring physical and emotional trauma.

There are stories everywhere of women who remained in abusive marriages and relationships until they are either killed or maimed for life. I remembered the man who poured hot oil on his wife’s face. Today the woman looked like a scarecrow, her family refused her to come back home, and they insisted she would remain with the man as his wife.

Abuse is not gender-specific, some men are also victims of domestic abuse. There is the case of Police officer Dan Shishia whose wife poured concentrated sulphuric acid on his face during an argument. Not only was his face distorted, but he also lost his sight completely too.

Also, recently in Bayelsa state, a 40-year-old civil servant smashed and killed his wife with a hammer and thereafter committed suicide leaving behind six children.  Probably, after a prolonged marital crisis, he got fed up with managing, and enduring an unhappy marriage and decided to end it for both of them. If they had separated, it couldn’t have ended tragically.

I always ask why the victims endure or tolerate abuses from their abusive partners, and why they remain and do not run for their lives?  People tolerate abuses in relationships for many reasons— low self-esteem, for the sake of the children, or because of what people will say. The fear of starting afresh. Some tolerate it with the false hope there will be a miraculous change in the partner’s behaviour. And so, they remain in a psychologically and pathologically abusive relationship.

1. Erroneous Thoughts. 

Some victims erroneously believe they are responsible for making their marriage work or keeping the family together. So they stayed because they believe that is the proper thing to do. Some practising religious people, given their religious or cultural background, believe divorce is bad and avoid it to the detriment of their happiness and even health. They put up with a lot of spousal abuse because they don’t want to go against the teachings of their faith.

 2. Low Self-Esteem. 

Some victims stayed back due to low self-esteem. Most women don’t have the capacity to be on their own, they believe they will be alone forever if they leave so that keeps them grounded in toxic relationships. Some are damaged psychologically and believe most men are the same. To them the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know. They would rather manage the one they have for it’s better to stay with the person they are used to.

Some may believe they don't deserve any better than the beating they get on a semi-regular basis from their partner and accept the abuse as a normal way of life. This belief keeps them paralysed in the relationship.

3. Fear. 

The fear of starting over, the fear of being alone, and the fear of criticism from friends and family, combined make most women remain in abusive relationships. Also, the shame of what people will say keep them glued to the relationship. Most often people are quick to blame the woman and cast inauspicious remarks on her for leaving her matrimonial home.

4. Playing the martyr. 

At times people stayed in the hope of playing saviour to a dementia abusive partner. There is that belief that if they show their partner more love, and more understanding, they could change or fix them. Some tried to play the martyr by bringing up excuses to explain the abuse. They see themselves as being strong or on a God-sent mission to turn the abuser’s life for good.

Others use pity as an excuse to put their partner’s needs above their own and so hang onto the relationship. 

5. Children. 

Some women sacrifice their safety for the sake of their children.  Their concerns include: Who gains custody of the children? How will they support the children without their partner’s financial help? Some because they want their children to have two parents and not suffer the trauma of a broken home. They believe their children will be better off coming from an intact home than from a divorced one.

6. Family Expectations. 

There are family and religious pressures too. In some cultures, leaving your marriage is seen as a disgraceful and reprehensible action. Some parents will tell their daughters to endure that leaving will tarnish the family’s name and image.

7. Financial Constraints. 

Some abused people feel they cannot leave their relationships because they are economically dependent on their partners. For instance, an abused stay-at-home mother may feel she cannot leave her abusive relationship because she would have no way of providing for her children if she did. Also, the Lack of resources to start afresh on her own is another drawn back.

8. Hope for a Change: 

Many people stay in abusive relationships with the hope the abuser will change over time. This hope for change gives rise to a cycle of violence or a vicious cycle.  Many abusive partners become remorseful after inflicting violence, promise they will change and the abused accepted the apology and forgive the abuser. With time, it becomes a recurring act. This cycle makes breaking free from an abusive partner difficult. The abuse continues until the victim finds the courage to leave or is abused to death. 

9. Clergymen and pastors. 

This group of people usually focused on how to save the marriage at all costs, rather than on how to save the abused person in the relationship. They tell the person to pray more or fast more for the abuser for God to touch his/her heart and effect a change. They conclude it with a verse of scripture that says God hates divorce. Some organise counselling sessions for the abused but leaving the relationship is not always their first option.

People tolerate abuse in relationships due to illusions or hallucinations. An adult can only change if the person so desires, not necessarily because of prayers or the other partner’s tolerance level or love. It is better to leave than to stay for whatever stupid reasons you feed yourself. Your life matters.

Are you good to yourself as a writer?

I was recently inspired by a writer friend of mine who has a writer’s study with a vintage singer sewing machine table holding her laptop and all her various writing stationery. From her study, she can hear the sea and be so inspired without moving from her home! She can
from her window watch boats coming and going from the harbour! That is a writer’s dream for some of us! Other dreams are seeing our books being filmed, receiving glorious reviews and writing books, the world hankers for! When we achieve our dreams and goals it means we are being good to ourselves as a writer.

I made a list of all my writing goals:

 Get a tripod stand /camera for my YouTube posts
 Put my latest books in bookshops
 Browse literary websites for my benefit
 Attend free courses on self-publishing[KDP]
 Copyright my books to USA/UK
 Enrol my books with 2D2/ Ingram spark/ Okada/ Selar
 Explore reading communities like the Net galley, etc
 Engage more with Alli/ Reedsy online
 Be active on my own blog

Then, I came upon this scripture and realised that God was talking to me: “But be doers of the word and not hearers only – James 1:22a NJKV. Indeed, how will I achieve my writing goals and realise my dreams if I hear so much literary meat that is shared but do not act on them? But please if this is you: Procrastination, Self-indulgence, Laziness, Creating invisible barriers, Excuses and Wishful thinking, tick off the list one by one ASAP and get on track! Be good to yourself. You may have some distractions or genuine handicaps from life issues such as health, family, finance, work, etc. still try your best and God will do the rest. I try to be good to myself a little and want to improve on that. 

Most of my books encourage, and promote healthy relationships between couples, friends, and family members and how to solve problems. Now I want to move over to do more poetry and storybooks for children. New updates on this will appear on my website: www.olusolasophiaanyanwuauthor.com

Christian writers have their faith and trust in God, the giver of dreams and inspiration by His Holy Spirit. My prayer is that what God started in your writing life will be completed by His grace. Hebrews 10:35 says, “Don’t cast away your confidence; it will richly bless you.”
This means we need to PERSEVERE so that we can accomplish what the Lord has laid in our hearts to share with the world for His glory. Then we will attain our writing goals and accomplish our writer’s dreams! This is having a good relationship with yourself as it will bring you joy, contentment and accomplishment.

Written by,
Author Sophia Anyanwu.

Choose to battle your conflicts wisely.

 

Whenever two people are in a relationship there will be conflicts, no two people think alike. No matter how much you have in common, no matter your similarity, from time to time you will encounter differences that will lead to an argument.

Quarrelling with your partner is inevitable, when you have two different individuals sharing a life together, they will bring their different values and perspectives into the relationship. This makes them have different viewpoints on some things and clash over them. 

The necessity or inevitability of having conflicts in your relationship is not in doubt. However, the way you handle conflicts in your relationship will hinge or unhinge your emotional as well as physical connectedness with your partner. So be conscious and choose to battle conflicts wisely.

Choosing how to battle your conflict wisely means being selective of the problems, arguments, and confrontations that you get involved in with your partner. 

Don’t quarrel over every insignificant issue, save your time for the things that matter; things that are of the most important to the well-being of your relationship in the long run.

A pastor said he had a couple’s night with couples in his church that had been married for over twenty years. During a discussion on conflicts in marriage, most of them confessed that what they fought over at the beginning of their marriages now appeared stupid and inconsequential.

Not everything is worth fretting over. Some things simply don’t matter in the long run. 

We should instead focus on the big important things. Every conflict takes up time. Every problem you engage yourself in, takes up time, energy and emotional toll on you and your partner.

Useless arguments, jealousy, ego,  unforgiving, discontentment, a fight for dominance, pride. These are negative attitudes, and starting fights over them is a ridiculous waste of time and energy.

How to battle your conflicts wisely.

1. Don’t argue over the little things.

Instead of making every little molehill a mountain, agree not to make something a battle unless it’s truly important. It is not every disagreement that should turn into a fight. 

There are things that matter, and there are some that are not worth getting angry about. If you argue over every little thing, you will find yourself arguing endlessly; it takes a toll on your relationship over time. Save your energy for the real things that matter.

This doesn’t mean you bow to your partner’s demands when it’s something you feel strongly about. However,  take time, question the level of importance of the matter at hand and how an argument over it will affect your relationship. This will help you determine whether a fight over it is worth your time.

2. Practice understanding.

If there is a disagreement between you and your partner, don’t always fly off the handle, try to remember that the other person came into the relationship with a different background and set of experiences. 

Because of this, both of you will not reason alike, and you should not force your partner to accept your viewpoint readily.

You may not like their opinion and actions, but you should at least, try to understand them. 

This ability to understand develops emotional intimacy between the two of you. 

To clearly understand your partner and the situations they are in shows empathy on your side. Empathy makes the argument more

constructive than destructive. Empathy means having a basic understanding of what your partner is thinking and feeling.

3. Patience pays.

It pays to be cautious and patient when issues arise, if possible before the issue escalates into major friction, take deep breaths and let go and probably revisit the issue when tensions are down. Certain issues are best dealt with, with a rational mind and understanding.

But when you are in the heat of a conflict, it may not be easy to back down, walk away if you can and allow your partner to calm down. 

4. Don’t assume anything.

You should keep in mind that you and your partner came into the relationship with different expectations. Don’t automatically assume you know what your partner wants or what’s best for them. Don’t second guess your partners’ reactions to certain issues. Always ask and clarify with one another.

Clarify what the person meant by their action instead of what you perceived their action to mean. Most of the time, your partner is not intentionally trying to hurt you, and getting hurt happened to be a by-product of the action.

5. No lock is without a key.

Every problem comes with a solution. If we keep shying away from an issue without tackling it, you may fail to see the solution within it.

Without resorting to fighting, you both can get back on track and have a peaceful resolution of whatever problem is ailing your relationship. 

There is no lock in this world that comes without a key. To find the key to your problem, talk frequently and openly about everything, even if it hurts.

Don’t let inconsequential issues deprive you of the feeling of connectedness you want to share with your partner. Maturely solve all your problems and enjoy your relationship.

6. Everyone has defects by design.

Focus on the problem or the cause of the argument, don’t add more logs to the simmering fire by saying words that will ridicule your partner’s weakness or character defects.

Your partner is not the cause of your anger. Emotions such as anger are reactions to actions or words by your partner. When you’re angry with what your partner said or did, don’t vent your anger by attacking their personality. Such attacks are more damaging and have a long-lasting effect. 

7. There should be no scoreboard.

When there is an issue your aim should be on how to solve the problem and not on how to turn it into a  battle to score points.

Don’t stretch the issue because you want to prove you are right. It is better to be happy than to be right. 

Remember, in a relationship, there’s no such thing as winning an argument. There should be no scoreboard. When you end up being right about an issue, don’t wave it like a sword over your partner’s head. Don’t gloat and rub it in, it’s like rubbing salt into an injury, the burst of pain from a hurt ego might leave a long-lasting scar on your relationship.

8 Learn to communicate your feelings.

Shared feelings resolve misunderstandings and give you an inkling of understanding your partner’s words or actions. If they tell you the intended meaning of their action was not as you perceived it, believe them.

Share your side of the argument mutually and pay attention to what your partner is saying. Let your discussion over issues end in a mutually satisfactory way and not in a brawl. If you’re not satisfied with the outcome of your talk, then choose to revisit it later when tensions are not high. 

9. Don’t add new wine to an old wineskin.

When an argument is over, consider it over. When you argue, it doesn’t matter who was right and who was wrong, or who was mean and who was nice, once the argument is over, leave it there, and do not bring it up every time a new issue comes up.

The Bible says, don’t add new wine into an old wineskin, or it will burst. And so, rehashing old issues, old hurts or past anger will add resentment and frustration to your relationship.

10. Don’t fight dirty.

One of the most common ways fights can be awful is by throwing out insults and saying things you don't mean in the heat of the moment. Choose your words carefully, and be mindful of your partner’s feelings. 

Don’t use words that wound feelings and escalate friction, and don’t insult your partner or his/her family.  Don’t throw their past in their face, don’t use sarcastic words or make harsh, critical comments, no pointing of fingers or engaging in blame wars. When emotions are high, you may say rash things you don't mean, but that doesn't mean your partner won't take it to heart.

When conflict is healthy and productive in a relationship, it gives a couple an opportunity to learn about each other and how their partner sees and experiences the world. It can also generate creative solutions to problems and help the couple bond.

Water Everywhere (Review by Joseph Onokpasa)

The novel 'Water Everywhere', Ngozi Ebubedike, is not just an interesting narrative but a blend of literary, geography and science studies. The author has used this text to enhance the learning process of pupils and young students. It is made up of question-and-answer sections between the two major characters in the book, a mother and her young son.

    Abuchi, a curious boy, gets fascinated with water. His intent to play in the rain sets this discourse between him and his mother. He wants to know why the mother calls the falling water rain. His mother explains. He asks more questions on water and it leads to several topics. As the mother continues to ditch out answers to Abuchi, he becomes more fascinated with the new topics from the discourse. Hence the text includes lectures on streams and rivers, dams and lakes, seas and oceans, and then the various uses of water.

    Abuchi could be described as the hero of this narrative. He is very inquisitive and interested in acquiring knowledge - a role model for children his age. The mother is an intelligent woman, who is also interested in impacting knowledge in her son - what all mothers should emulate.

    The author has used the third person narrator on this book, which gives more life to it. It is a gripping narrative that is imbued with suspense. Once you start reading from page one, you become glued to it.

    I commend the author for bringing out such  a valuable work, and I also recommend the book for studies in our schools. It is a book of knowledge that can enhance the learning processes of pupils and young students.

by Joseph Onokpasa.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BG1KRH7M

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0BG1KRH7M

https://store.okadabooks.com/.../water_everywhere/50019...

https://selar.co/v6sd