Bonding with in-laws

​

I received an email from a woman who asked for advice on how to gain the love of her in-laws. Her boyfriend is planning on taking her to see his family for them to begin their marriage rites.

I appreciated the fact she asked for advice on such a sensitivity issue before taking that big step in her relationship. When you are on the threshold of becoming part of a new family, the fear of acceptance is real, especially from prospective in-laws. We always approach the unknown with trepidation. Fretting over meeting in-laws to be is agonising because you will want them not just to welcome you but to accept you as part of the family. 

Foremost, individuals differ and come with their own unique baggage. So, there is no one-size-fits-all advice on how to have a perfect relationship with the in-laws. What works for one may not work for the other, but there is always a bottom line that you can change to suit your situation.

Everyone craves acceptance, especially with people you will spend the rest of your life with. However, know that acceptance isn’t an automatic ticket you will receive on arrival. It requires time and effort to earn it. Reason? Differences. We are all born into different cultural, religious, geographic, or social backgrounds. These differences inhibit our relationships with others. These hurdles you have to overcome through interaction and friction. How you interact and handle the fall-out frictions with the in-laws is the yardstick for your acceptance or rejection in the family.

How to relate with your in-laws.

1. Talk with your partner

If you’re about to meet your in-laws for the first time, you need to be well informed on what to expect. This information you can get through your partner, who knows his family better than you. 

Your familiarization interrogations should start with him. Ask questions that will give you insights into their beliefs, attitudes and culture, if both of you are from different cultural backgrounds. You will not want to commit a cultural faux pas on your first encounter with your in-laws.

Checking with your spouse on what works and what will not work with his family is a step in the right direction. He is the best person to help alley your fear and shows you how to relate with his family. It’s better you know them before you tie the knot to understand what you’re walking into.

2. Don’t put on a show. 

Never ever put up a show just to earn their approval. These are people you will spend the rest of your life with, be open, show them your real self from the onset. This will help reduce friction and acrimony in the future. If you try to show off as something or someone you’re not, it will only cause everyone problems down the line because you cannot keep on the pretence for long. 

Also, don't remake yourself to fit into the wife mould your in-laws want for their son. Don’t accept what you can not tolerate from them. Be yourself, your real self. To allow your in-laws to use you as a foot mat is not a guarantee they will love and accept you.

Be yourself. Show them how you want to be treated.

And eventually, it will work out. Project to them who you are and not what you have.

Again, do not try to over please them and fall into trouble. Show basic courtesy, be a good human being, respect them for what they are, and be helpful to them. 

3. Listen and learn

Remember, your in-laws are an integral part of your spouse's life. Understand they have loved your spouse much longer than you. They have been there throughout his life. To worm your way into their heart, make them a crucial part of your life as well. 

Remember also, you are competing with his family for his affection and attention and he has a biological connection with them already. This is another source of friction you have to handle with wisdom because jealousy is invertible. 

Fret not, all you need to do is listen, pay attention to their words and action and you will learn how to deal with your partner’s family. Be open and ready to learn about the family dynamism and how to adjust to fit into the family. Share who you are with them, and this will help develop your relationship with them.

Do not be confrontational with them until you establish a good rapport with them, which will increase your understanding of some actions. Before then, confrontation often spoils relationships that are tender and yet to have a strong root.

4. Give it Time. 

Every relationship takes time to build. It’s a gradual process, a journey of discoveries. There will be fights and arguments, but that does not mean they don’t like you. You are different, with your own set of principles and ideology, so are they too. It will take time and effort to understand and accept another’s viewpoint with love and, since they don’t know you well yet, they would be judgmental.

 Don’t give up. Always be kind. Give it time. 

You don’t need to rush the process. To make this work, learn to give in to their opinion to lessen the friction. It will show them you care about their opinions, and you are ready to accept them as a family, too.

Every relationship is like a plant that needs special attention and care in the nurturing stage. Give your best to your partner’s family, knowing you’re in it for the long haul.

5. Understand your in-laws.

 Understanding your in-laws will give you leverage on how to relate to them in the future. If you get to know them well, you will set limits and boundaries on how to interact with them. But no matter how they are, try to show them love and respect for raising up the man you found worthy to spend your life with.

Often, you hear wives complaining, “my parents will not treat me the way my in-laws are treating me. Is it because I married their son?”

Your parents’ love comes with your birth package. But your in-laws are not your parents, so don’t expect them to love you wholly. No matter how much you desire their love and affection, don’t expect it to be the same as your parents. Though there are exceptions.

Don't expect your new family to treat you exactly the way your family treats you. Love is earned. Try as much as possible to earn their love, trust, and respect. 

6. Build a Friendship. 

Love them, show them you care. Build a friendly relationship with them and include them in your life as part of your family. Chances are, they are just as nervous about connecting with you as you are about connecting with them. 

Love them, respect them and let them know your best side. It will increase family dynamism and reduce friction if you can get along with your in-laws.

Remember, your partner is equally special to them, as your relationship with him is to you. Whatever the case may be, it is important you respect them, even if you don’t like them. Engage with them, and work towards establishing a cordial relationship with them.

As human beings, we can’t do without relationships, so learn to maintain a good relationship with your in-laws. Building relationships is difficult. Attempt to spend valuable time with your in-laws, and be kind and generous towards them. The return you get on your effort will last the rest of your married life.

7. Communication is key

Communication is a key ingredient in every successful relationship. Learn how to communicate with your in-laws. If something bothers you, address it as soon as possible to clear any misunderstanding that will arise and smear your relationship with them or your partner.

Don’t bottle up anger, it leads to resentment in the future. Resentment is poisonous. It eats away the core of a relationship. Resentment also erodes trust, reliability, affection, and commitment and replaces them with negative emotions like disappointment, bitterness, and hard feelings. 

Learn to be expressive without being insulting to your in-laws.

As a new member of the family, open communication is the only you can break barriers and insert yourself into the family.

8. Treat Them Like Family. 

Your in-laws may not be blood-related, but because of marriage, they are now extended family members. They cannot replace your parents or family, but you have become an addition to the family, work to integrate yourself into the family. It’s not always easy, but no matter what, work on your relationship with them. They will only drop their guards when they see you.

Love them and treat them like family. Remember, they are part of your spouse's life before your entrance; they come with the marriage package. Treat them like family.

Respect and common courtesy go a long to make you part of the family. Even if your spouse has parents from hell or you consider his mother as a monster in law, you owe them respect and tolerance. 

 

Understand that your partner has a bond with his parents and siblings. Try not to bring strife into their relationship. Rather, maintain a good relationship with your in-laws, and be at peace with them.

9. Drop all conceived stereotypes.

Purge yourself of the stereotypes that all mothers-in-law are monsters or that there is no pleasing an in-law, no matter what you do. Try to be open-minded, adjust your thinking and adapt to the reality of the situation you meet on the ground. Yes, there will be contestation and conflict, handle it with maturity. There are people who are genuinely difficult to please or love. It’s in their DNA. Accept that and find a way around them.

See your partner’s parents as humans, imperfect, with strengths and weaknesses, good side and bad side. Treat them as you will want your future daughter-in-law to treat you.

It may not be easy to get total acceptance from every member of your partner’s family, but try to live in harmony with them all where possible. Your effort will probably pay off in the long run.

Resentment in Relationship

 

Prolonged victimisation of a person and their inability to express their feelings lead to suppressed emotions that fester grudge, frustration, and disappointment. These harboured negative emotions lead to anger against the person who wronged or hurt them. Resentment is an emotional reaction to accumulated negative feelings, mistreatment, or maltreatment by another person.

We can also define it as the eruption of bottled up emotions, like fear, anger and disappointment, for your partner. When such underlying feelings become overwhelming, they spilt into bitterness, hatred and disgust.

Because we harbour these feelings, they would build and are likely to explode with a trigger, probably an argument over something insignificant or a careless utterance. As it is said when you push a person to the wall, the only option is to fight back. So, resentment is a “fight-back” action, a defence against negative treatment.

 

According to Wikipedia, resentment is a complex, multilayered emotion that has been described as a mixture of disappointment, disgust, anger, and fear. Inherent in resentment is a perception of unfairness (i.e. from trivial to very serious) and is a generalized defence against unfair situations (e.g. relationships or unfavourable circumstances).

Effects of resentment on your relationship

Resentment is cancerous. It eats away the core of a relationship. It is also corrosive; over time, resentment erodes trust, reliability, affection, commitment and replaces them with negative emotions like disappointment, bitterness, and hard feelings.

Resentment is poisonous and toxic. It affects how you think about your partner and even how you interact with them.

Resentment eats through all the good parts of your relationship. When this happens, trust and love in a relationship are broken and can be irreparable or irreversible over time.

Resentment breaks the emotional connection between partners and increases misunderstanding and dissatisfaction. Instead of a mutual compromise, the couple flings insults and accusations at each other. Emotional pain, mental trauma, discontentment, and deeper resentment will follow. 

Resentment kills trust and commitment. With resentment, the level of trust between you and your partner is affected drastically. You don’t believe in your partner or rely on them. When you lack trust, your commitment to your relationship slacks. When you are getting less from your partner, you start giving less and less to the relationship.

Resentment is like a two-edged sword. It cuts both ways. It does not hurt just your partner, it also hurts you. Resentment makes you grumpy and so creates a distance between you and your spouse. Nobody enjoys being around an angry person. The anger that comes with resentment makes you lash out at people around you. When you feel resentful towards your partner, you often bark at them or make sarcastic remarks to display your anger.

Resentment can grow to be retaliatory. It could possibly lead to violence or a strong desire for revenge when it becomes hard to let go of your anger. Holding on to such negativity inflicts pain on you. Over time, it takes a toll on your mental health.

Unresolved resentment leads to higher levels of discontentment that can lead to a loss of physical intimacy between couples. You don’t feel attracted to each other anymore. If there is no more intimacy left in a marriage, the relationship is as good as dead.

The first step towards solving any problem is to accept there is a problem. Resentment in a relationship has several red flags, which you can identify if you are observant.

Here are some of the signs and symptoms to watch out for:

Anger

Frustration

Hostility 

Bitterness

Hard feelings

Uneasiness 

When these feelings become unbearable, they give rise  to some negative emotions actions such as

Constant quarrelling over issues

Feeling of neglect 

Withholding intimacy or affection.

Finding faults with each other.

Feeling of detachment from the relationship.

Withholding of sex.

What causes resentment in a relationship? 

Bitterness, indignation, irritation, pique, dissatisfaction, disgruntlement, discontentment, bad feelings, hard feelings, ill will, acrimony, rancour, animosity towards your partner for having been treating you unfairly. 

These are the things that bring about these feelings.

1. Adjustment problem

A relationship is the coming together of two individuals with different ideologies and perspectives. For them to coexist, they will need adjustments and an understanding of each other’s requirements and needs.  However, with a lack of adjustment, the tendency to hurt each other’s feelings is high. Then, there will be complaints and, over time, resentment will probably creep into the relationship.

Make sure your values, goals, and view are aligned as a couple. Make mutual compromises when necessary. Differences in core values should be addressed and discussed honestly. When you cannot do that, they become hidden sources of resentment later.

2. One-Sided Feelings

Partners are supposed to pool their efforts together to make their relationship work. In cases where one person makes all the effort, makes all the sacrifices and the other partner is lackadaisical, it can frustrate and, with time, your partner will become resentful. If you take care of your partner’s needs, and they don’t express gratitude or return the favour, you may feel you’re in a one-sided relationship, and it may cause the person to harbour resentment over time. 

Relationships can get sour when duties, responsibilities and chores are not equally shared. And if one partner is keeping a mental list of contributions, it builds resentment over time. The person will feel disappointed, frustrated or hurt at their partner’s lack of care or thoughtfulness, and over time, this can turn into anger and resentment.

3. Bearing Grudges

Nothing breeds resentment in a relationship like grudges. When a partner keeps records of ill-treatment, abusive words, or recurring mistakes. These will fester the feelings of grudges towards the other.

Thoughtless remarks and taunts hurt. Embarrassment, rudeness, and unfair treatment leave marks on the heart. No one likes to be taken for granted, unappreciated, or devalued. If your partner causes you to feel that way,  you may harbour resentment towards them. 

When your partner steps on your boundaries without apology. When your partner manipulates or forces you into doing things that go against your will. You’re likely to hold grudges against the person. 

4. Lack of appreciation.

Partners taking each other for granted in a relationship brings ill-feeling. As humans, we want to be noticed and appreciated by our partners for our efforts and kind gestures. But some do not notice the efforts their partner puts in every day to make the relationship work.

Some men don’t appreciate their wives for taking care of the children, the home and putting meals on the table for them. They felt it was the woman’s responsibility and as such sees no reason to appreciate her. This makes the woman feel disappointed and gives room for negative emotions to take up space in her heart.

Also, some women fail to appreciate their husbands for the family upkeep and instead complain about what the man had not done or try to compare their husband to their friend's husband. It makes a man feel bad and unappreciated and, over time, the accumulation of all these emotions and feelings leads to resentment. 

5. Unfulfilled Expectations and Desires

People enter a relationship with reasonable or unreasonable expectations from each other. Sometimes, these expectations and desires were never fulfilled. Promises made at the beginning of the relationship are not kept. 

Unfulfilled desires, expectations, and unkept promises cause disgruntled feelings. You may feel your partner has failed in fulfilling your desires and resent them for that.

A relationship based on lies breeds resentment with time. Disappointment over little things can add up to resentment over time. Honour your commitments: Keep the promises you made to your partner and be truthful. 

6. An uncompromising partner

If you are in a relationship with someone who seldom listens or agrees with your perspective or opinion and feels whatever he or she does or says is always correct. It can end up making the other person feel bitter or disappointed. It can eventually turn you into a resentful spouse. When someone insists that they’re right all the time, it comes across as arrogant. 

 

And when a partner tries to impose his/her views of the world onto another and excepted them to accept it without complaint, it’s a sure way to build resentment in the relationship.

How To Deal With Resentment

1. Forgive: Forgiving someone for their mistakes and letting go of the past is easier said than done. Right? But it’s natural for humans to make mistakes, so we should learn to forgive. Forgiveness is a good cure for resentment. Instead of poisoning your relationship by holding grudges, a healthy dose of forgiveness can stop the poison from spreading and can even mend some damages.

2. Apologise when necessary: when you’re in the wrong, learn to apologise. Resentment builds up because most people rarely admit their mistakes and so fail to tender apologies.

3. Articulate your feelings:

Instead of letting your problem fester in your heart, say it out, be expressive, and let your partner know where he/she has gone wrong. Communication is important in solving resentment issues.  

Resentment builds up because of misunderstandings rather than actual mistakes. It is critical to discuss your grievances with your partner before they create a major issue between the two of you. The most effective method to stop resentment is to be aware of what causes it, discuss the issue with your partner, and work to resolve it.

4. Be honest: In expressing your feelings, be honest and tell your partner how you feel. Maybe the person might feel hurt initially, but it’s better to air it out than to bottle it up. In doing that, don’t be rude or condescending. Be polite but frank. 

5. Empathise with your partner: Considering your partner’s nature and habits with understanding can spare you emotional stress. Trying to understand the person’s intent can head off resentment before it takes root.

6. Set realistic expectations and boundaries: Resentment often crops up when you put unnecessary expectations on your partners. Discuss your expectations with each other and arrive at sensible compromises. Also, setting strong health boundaries helps to stop abuses and maltreatments.

7. Keep the physical intimacy intact: physical intimacy can dissolve resentment. Sex, physical touches and affection can act as a balm to your relationship and bring you closer. The period after sexual activity when you’re both mellow can be the right moment to discuss your problems and get things resolved. 

Resentment can creep into the best of relationships. It is better nipped in the bud before it twists and kills your love. When couples learn to speak out and address issues, it will not give room for resentment to build to a devastating level of hurt, pain, and anger. Your relationship can survive when you recognize what causes resentment and work on them.  

Resolving resentment in relationships takes a lot of time, effort, and patience on the path of both partners. Remember, forgiveness, empathy, effective communication and understanding help keep resentment out of your relationship.

Qualities of a good husband

 

Every woman wants a good husband. Most mothers with grown-up daughters spend hours in prayer at home or in churches, praying for their daughters, not just to marry, but to marry a good husband.

What are the ‘goods’ in a man that qualifies him as a good husband? 

Does a good son make a good husband? Not always. And there is a difference between being a good man and a good husband.

For a man to be a good husband, he has to be intentional and knowledgeable about what it takes to build a peaceful and lovely home for his family.

Marriage is a beautiful relationship if you understand the tenets of handling your ‘marriageship’ and exhibiting qualities that will make you a good husband.

Qualities of a Good Husband?

An emotionally matured man.

It takes an emotionally intelligent man to confront conflict in marriage constructively while remaining resilient and supportive of his wife. The difference between a good husband and a bad one is the management of conflicts.

It takes a man who is emotionally mature, well-grounded and with a sense of balance to control his impulses and respond to challenging issues sensibly, rather than reacting impulsively.

A mature man should have the capacity to deal with the challenge, disappointment, and stress of marriage. That is why it is said that marriage is for men, not for boys.

A cheerful man: 

Women love men who are witty and have a sense of humour. A husband who knows how to make his wife smile at the right time; is a good husband. 

A man who comes home with a cheerful face despite having a bad day at work is a husband to hold on to. Women love men who could differentiate between the office environment and their homes. A good husband leaves the mean and grumpy face at the door and put up a cheerful disposition as he crosses the threshold of his home. 

Try to enter your home as cheerful and light-hearted as you can, even if you had a bad day at the office or are physically exhausted after driving through traffic.

There’s nothing a good husband loves more than making his wife and family happy. 

A Faithful man. 

Loyalty and faithfulness are prime qualities of a good husband. A man who has a sense of honour and duty remembers the sacred vows he took on his wedding day and respect them. 

A good husband knows that no matter how many beautiful women he meets in a day, there is only one woman who owns his heart, and that is his wife. 

A good husband is loyal to his wife. He never let her feel she is not good enough for him. If you love your wife, be loyal to her. Never make her feel you are not true to her, else it will break her heart.

A Responsible man. 

Biblically and culturally, it is the duty of a man to provide for his family. A good husband takes his marriage as his responsibility and is responsible for his financial obligations in the house. A good husband knows his family needs must always come before his own and, as such, use his money wisely.

Even if your wife works, it is an act of irresponsibility for a man to depend on his wife's salary. Good husbands prefer to have that as a backup rather than a major part of their family expenses.

A reliable man

 Every woman wants a man she could rely on. A good husband is there for his wife when she needs him. He provides her reassurance when she stumbles or is feeling down. He is available for her when she needs a shoulder to lean on when life hits her.

A good husband is never too busy for his wife. When it matters, he drops everything to give her attention and affection.

When a husband does what he says; when a husband does not lie; when a husband is consistent with positive qualities, then he is dependable and a husband a woman can rely on.

A supportive man.

A good husband supports his wife in all stages of her life. He does not belittle her or hurt her ego. If she is a working woman, understand she has work pressures too. Understand when she needs to stay late at work and give her your support. 

A good husband supports his wife by taking some weight off her shoulders and helping her with housework. Never leave your wife to handle the smooth running of the household alone, even if she is a stay at home mom.

A good husband is proud of his wife’s accomplishments and compliments her. A good husband supports his wife, even when the going gets tough, he always sees the good things in life and stays positive when faced with adversity to cheer the wife up. Support from a good husband challenges the wife to put in her best efforts and grow as a person. 

If a man is supportive, values you as his equal and loves you just the way you are, you have a good husband or a good husband material.

A sensitivity man. 

Be sensitive to the needs of your wife and try to meet them. Not just physical needs but emotional needs as well. Do not let your feelings toward life's changes affect your feelings toward your wife. A good husband needs to be sensitive to the requirements of his wife, treat her as an equal.

 If your wife has a goal she wants to work towards, do everything that you can for her. Don’t laugh at her dreams because that will break her spirit. 

You are the one man in the world she feels will understand her when the rest of the world thinks she is silly. Women appreciate men who make an effort to like things she does, either hobbies or passions. 

As a good husband, stand up for your wife, make her believe she can do anything she wants to do. She will love you even more for that.

A respectful man: 

A good husband speaks lovingly to his wife and refrains from using harsh words. A good husband never chooses to belittle, strike, humiliate or harm his wife in private or in public. A good husband watches what he says and thinks his thoughts through before speaking because he wouldn’t want to offend his wife in words or actions. 

A good husband treats his wife with respect in front of others and at home.  A good husband considers his wife’s opinion when making important family decisions. 

A good husband never makes his wife feel silly for what she believes in, if you don’t believe in the same, respect her beliefs.

Understanding, accepting and respecting the fact your wife is a separate being, who has different ideas, dreams, and opinions, is important in a marriage. 

A good husband respects his wife’s wishes and her needs. A good husband does not force his wife to give up on her dreams to follow his, but talks things out and sees what works for both of them.

A non-judgmental man. 

A good husband never judges his wife for her flaws. A golden rule in life is that you need to walk in someone else’s shoes to understand what they are going through before you judge them. Marriage is part of life. The rule is applicable here as well.

Avoid judging every action or opinion of your wife. A good husband understands his wife differs from him and that her experiences and likings differ from his, too.

If your wife did something or said something you didn’t agree with, show understanding by applying the golden rule, rather than making her feel she does not measure up or has goofed big time. People have their flaws and faults. A good husband accepts the bad with the good of the woman he married. 

A man with excellent communication skills: Communication is the key to a healthy marriage. A man who has healthy communication skills makes a good husband.

A man with excellent communication skills does not bottle up his feelings or emotions, it’s unhealthy and could lead to conflicts. 

A man who shares his thoughts and feelings with his wife without reservation; a man who talks things out with his wife; a man who discusses difficult subjects with his wife; they can disagree or argue, and yet still come to some kind of resolution later, is a good husband.

A good husband is a good listener, too. He listens when his wife talks and listens to his wife's complaints and empathises with what's going on in her life. Good communication helps in building trust and strengthens marriage. 

An honest man. Trust is paramount to a healthy marriage, and what builds trust in a relationship is honesty. A good husband is a man who is open to his wife at all times and does not keep her in the dark about what is going on in his life, business or workplace.

Being a trustworthy man is a proactive role. It requires a conscious effort, affirmed continuously by the decision and actions the man takes.  

A good husband ensures he gains the trust of his wife. He never gives his wife a chance to doubt him or feel insecure. He never gives her any reason not to trust him. And he let her know she can trust him with anything.

An honest man makes a good husband. Telling your wife the truth, not hiding things from her and involving her in every aspect of your life will earn her trust and will ensure you gain respect and honesty right back from her.

A Loving and affectionate man. 

Nothing trips a woman like when her man shows her love and affection as often as possible. Women are a sucker for affection. Every woman likes to be pampered.  A good husband pampers and appreciates his wife and notices her at all times. And compliments her when she spots a new hairdo or dresses up nice and cute.

Most women love romance and like it when their husbands’ shower love on them, so remember to be romantic with your wife once in a while. A good husband knows how to pamper his wife and indulge her in the things she loves. It shows her how much you care about her and will win you some points with her, and she will indulge you in the things that you love as well.

A good husband is mindful. It's important for a man not to neglect his woman. A good husband never forgets the special days in his wife’s life, like birthday and wedding anniversary.

A Protective man: 

A woman needs to feel secure around her man. A good husband makes his wife feel that when she is with him, no one can harm her. You don't need to be Mr Macho, but at least when you are with her others should not take advantage of her or insult her. 

A good husband is protective and never abusive to his wife. A good husband doesn’t tolerate others disrespecting his wife. He never allows someone to insult or say mean jokes about his wife. He let people know he is always at his wife’s side, come what may.

An understanding and appreciative man. A good husband understands his wife has a life other than being his wife. She has her parents, friends and colleagues who are part of her life too. She may have hobbies or passions outside you. Don’t expect her undivided attention. Don’t stop her if she wants to go out and hang out with her friends sometimes, engage in a hobby or spend some time with her parents.

A good husband understands everything about his wife- her thoughts, ambitions, opinions, her friends, her job. He doesn’t make her feel bad about her life circumstances, and he appreciates the person she is and the choices she has made.

As a good husband, be warm, kind, positive, and understanding to everyone around you, and appreciate your wife. 

A selfless and kind man

Kindness in a man is a very appealing quality to women. It assures a woman that the man will never hurt her and will always do what is best for her and the family. 

Kindness towards others makes a wife proud of her husband enough to brag about it to all her friends. Nobody likes an arrogant man. A good husband is pleasant and kind to friends and family. 

A good husband is up and doing and helps his wife with housework. As her husband, your wife will appreciate it so much if you were more active in the home, cleaning up after yourself and helping out with some chores. 

Just because your wife doesn’t work doesn’t mean her work at home is less strenuous. She might have struggled with children and housework all day.

A sexually capable man: 

Sexual intimacy is essential to marriage. Good sex helps to strengthen your emotional and physical attraction to your wife. A good husband satisfies his wife in bed and is faithful to her. Good sex plays a vital role in a satisfying and healthy relationship. Sexual frustration makes a nagging wife and can cause conflict at home.

A good husband is not just passionate when it comes to the physical aspect of marriage, but he is also passionate about small things that concern his wife and family. 

A compassionate man.

A man who can feel for others is very appealing to women, so be a compassionate man and show you care. It can be towards your wife and others as well. The more compassion you show, the more of a hero you will be to your wife.

Your marriage vows, in sickness and health, should not be taken lightly. A good husband would do anything to look after his wife in sickness and in health and do his best to look after his wife’s needs.

A Good Team Player

A good husband is also a team player. As a husband, you must realise you and your wife are a team. Being a good team player is vital in a marriage. It shouldn’t always be about you, you need to think about your wife as well. 

A good husband never undermines the decisions of his wife in front of the children or his relatives. If she errs, he talks to her in private. Showing people that the two of you are a team will prevent them from disrespecting your wife or taking advantage of her. 

LOVE IS NOT SO IMPORTANT:

... YOU DON'T NEED TO LOVE A PERSON TO MARRY HIM OR HER!

Image from pexels.com

How would you know the right person for marriage?

Simple.

The person who values you the most is the right person for marriage.
The person who respects you more; accepts you for who you are, irrespective of your age, tribe, location or religion, or even disability, is the right person for you.

That one that does all he can to make you happy, even though he isn't perfect, is the right man for you.
That one that goes out of her way to put you first, even when you don't already treat her right, is the right woman for you.
That person who feels like home, that makes you feel at peace, is the one you should marry.

It can be hard sometimes. I know.
If it were so easy, you probably won't need to buy and read this book.
If it was very easy, I won't be a Relationship and Marriage Counselor.
There is a common dilemma that envelopes us and threatens to suffocate us.

THE ONES WE LOVE USUALLY DON'T LOVE US THAT MUCH.
AND THE ONES WE DON'T LOVE ARE THE ONES THAT PURSUE US ALL DAY LONG.

Life can be so funny!

This dilemma paralyses us. It makes it difficult to choose or even know whom to choose for marriage.
We pursue love. We want love. We want to give love and we become obsessed with finding people that will love us in return.
Within the context of preparing for marriage, love is good, but it is not so important, especially at the beginning.
In fact, love can cause you to make a bad or wrong decision for marriage.

Love characteristically makes us believe the best in people, stick with them for long as we expect them to change, even when they don't treat us well.

Love makes us see rainbows in everything.
This is good, but it can also be terrible.
In trying to choose whom to marry, love should sometimes be the last thing to consider.

If it is to be considered at all, it should come last.
Check thoroughly if the person on your marriage radar is good for you emotionally and mentally.
It has to be more than their good looks and bank statement!
Do they treat you well?
Do they create time for you, even when they get very busy?
Do they still give something to you, even from the little they have sometimes?

Maybe you don't love this person, but at least, he or she loves you.
This should be enough at the start.
You can marry someone that loves you even if you don't love them yet.

As long as they value and respect you and want to be with you, your love for them will come later.
It always does, as long as your heart stays open to them.
Love is wonderful. It is important, but it is not everything.

I wrote more about this in one of my Hot Best-Selling Books titled BLESSED BUT BLIND.
Get this book. You'll thank me later.

The secret to knowing the right person for marriage is in looking out for what will not kill you tomorrow or cause you stress and unhappiness later in a marriage.

The marriage game for a single man differs from what it is for a single woman.

A man is everything that a woman is not.
What a man needs, differs from what would sustain a woman.
Men and women, historically and emotionally, rarely want the same things.

To be fair, it is really hard to know what women want.
I feel that a lot of times, women are very unstable creatures.
What they pursued yesterday with vigour suddenly doesn't seem to interest them anymore today.

What they want now will become entirely different from what they will want tomorrow.

I usually have a hard time understanding them!
In fact, most women don't even understand themselves.
Men don't usually behave that way. Men are quite basic.
Give a man constant sex, a steady supply of good food and make him feel like a don and he will stay sweet on you forever.
I believe you can get and keep any man with these three things:

1. Sex.
2. Food.
3. Respect (The strategic massaging of his ego).

Pexels.com

Apart from these three important things, the rest is not so important for men.
Men are so simple. They understand themselves well.
A woman that will get and keep the right man needs to understand this too.

A lot of women don't know this secret.
Men all over the world have always known this secret.
It is a surprise that it has remained a secret for a very long time.
Whenever a single woman is finding it hard to get or keep a man, she is probably failing in one or more of those three secrets I shared with you.

To get a man, a woman needs to understand a man and what he wants.
Like I wrote earlier, men are simple beings.

Check very well. I didn't add love to the list.
I wouldn't dare try that if I made a list of what women want.
As unpredictable as women can be, every woman (pardon the generalisation) would always add love to what she wants from a man.
Men need love, but most men are not so hung up on love as women.
This means that a man can easily marry a woman that gives him those three things I mentioned earlier, even if he doesn't love her.
For example, when I married my wife years ago, I didn't do so for love.

I married her because she fucked me well, cooked like a chef, and treated me respectfully like a king.
The loving kind of "grew up on me," so to say.

And the truth is, you can grow to love anyone if you open your heart to them, even if you didn't love them at the beginning.
So, dear single man, even if you don't love her or feel anything special for her now, as long as she is good in those three areas I listed, MARRY HER!
The love will grow on you later if you open up your heart to her.




~BRIGHT U. NKWOCHA
(Relationship & Marriage Counselor)
08164137531