LOVE IS NOT SO IMPORTANT:

... YOU DON'T NEED TO LOVE A PERSON TO MARRY HIM OR HER!

Image from pexels.com

How would you know the right person for marriage?

Simple.

The person who values you the most is the right person for marriage.
The person who respects you more; accepts you for who you are, irrespective of your age, tribe, location or religion, or even disability, is the right person for you.

That one that does all he can to make you happy, even though he isn't perfect, is the right man for you.
That one that goes out of her way to put you first, even when you don't already treat her right, is the right woman for you.
That person who feels like home, that makes you feel at peace, is the one you should marry.

It can be hard sometimes. I know.
If it were so easy, you probably won't need to buy and read this book.
If it was very easy, I won't be a Relationship and Marriage Counselor.
There is a common dilemma that envelopes us and threatens to suffocate us.

THE ONES WE LOVE USUALLY DON'T LOVE US THAT MUCH.
AND THE ONES WE DON'T LOVE ARE THE ONES THAT PURSUE US ALL DAY LONG.

Life can be so funny!

This dilemma paralyses us. It makes it difficult to choose or even know whom to choose for marriage.
We pursue love. We want love. We want to give love and we become obsessed with finding people that will love us in return.
Within the context of preparing for marriage, love is good, but it is not so important, especially at the beginning.
In fact, love can cause you to make a bad or wrong decision for marriage.

Love characteristically makes us believe the best in people, stick with them for long as we expect them to change, even when they don't treat us well.

Love makes us see rainbows in everything.
This is good, but it can also be terrible.
In trying to choose whom to marry, love should sometimes be the last thing to consider.

If it is to be considered at all, it should come last.
Check thoroughly if the person on your marriage radar is good for you emotionally and mentally.
It has to be more than their good looks and bank statement!
Do they treat you well?
Do they create time for you, even when they get very busy?
Do they still give something to you, even from the little they have sometimes?

Maybe you don't love this person, but at least, he or she loves you.
This should be enough at the start.
You can marry someone that loves you even if you don't love them yet.

As long as they value and respect you and want to be with you, your love for them will come later.
It always does, as long as your heart stays open to them.
Love is wonderful. It is important, but it is not everything.

I wrote more about this in one of my Hot Best-Selling Books titled BLESSED BUT BLIND.
Get this book. You'll thank me later.

The secret to knowing the right person for marriage is in looking out for what will not kill you tomorrow or cause you stress and unhappiness later in a marriage.

The marriage game for a single man differs from what it is for a single woman.

A man is everything that a woman is not.
What a man needs, differs from what would sustain a woman.
Men and women, historically and emotionally, rarely want the same things.

To be fair, it is really hard to know what women want.
I feel that a lot of times, women are very unstable creatures.
What they pursued yesterday with vigour suddenly doesn't seem to interest them anymore today.

What they want now will become entirely different from what they will want tomorrow.

I usually have a hard time understanding them!
In fact, most women don't even understand themselves.
Men don't usually behave that way. Men are quite basic.
Give a man constant sex, a steady supply of good food and make him feel like a don and he will stay sweet on you forever.
I believe you can get and keep any man with these three things:

1. Sex.
2. Food.
3. Respect (The strategic massaging of his ego).

Pexels.com

Apart from these three important things, the rest is not so important for men.
Men are so simple. They understand themselves well.
A woman that will get and keep the right man needs to understand this too.

A lot of women don't know this secret.
Men all over the world have always known this secret.
It is a surprise that it has remained a secret for a very long time.
Whenever a single woman is finding it hard to get or keep a man, she is probably failing in one or more of those three secrets I shared with you.

To get a man, a woman needs to understand a man and what he wants.
Like I wrote earlier, men are simple beings.

Check very well. I didn't add love to the list.
I wouldn't dare try that if I made a list of what women want.
As unpredictable as women can be, every woman (pardon the generalisation) would always add love to what she wants from a man.
Men need love, but most men are not so hung up on love as women.
This means that a man can easily marry a woman that gives him those three things I mentioned earlier, even if he doesn't love her.
For example, when I married my wife years ago, I didn't do so for love.

I married her because she fucked me well, cooked like a chef, and treated me respectfully like a king.
The loving kind of "grew up on me," so to say.

And the truth is, you can grow to love anyone if you open your heart to them, even if you didn't love them at the beginning.
So, dear single man, even if you don't love her or feel anything special for her now, as long as she is good in those three areas I listed, MARRY HER!
The love will grow on you later if you open up your heart to her.




~BRIGHT U. NKWOCHA
(Relationship & Marriage Counselor)
08164137531

Bright Nkwocha, a Relationship/Marriage Counsellor and an Author

Author's hangout with Zizi

Months back, Bright Nkwocha was just a Facebook friend, of whom I love reading his posts. As a relationship coach too, I love reading the writings of others in the same field as me.

However, our relationship changed when I stumbled on the price slash of his books, which he did to mark his wedding anniversary. I bought the books, first to read more about his works and secondary to show solidarity towards his wedding anniversary celebration.

When I called him for the books; that was the first time we spoke with each other; his enthusiasm and response was heartwarming. I paid for the e-books and received them. 

His titles and covers were captivating, though some of his ideas were radical. But I love the simplicity of his writing style and the fact he used his life and marriage experiences as a rich source to educate single and married people on relationship matters. 

Who is Bright Nkwocha?

Bright U. Nkwocha is a happy man. He is a father, son and husband. He wants to enjoy more of what life has to offer.

What inspired you to become a relationship counsellor?

Problems inspired me to be a Relationship and Marriage Counsellor. I never planned to be one. I always say that it found me. I was more interested in teaching personal and organisational leadership, but people kept asking more questions related to relationships and marriage. I had to rise up to the challenge. It's been fun so far.

Which came first, the writing or the counselling?

The writing came first while the Counselling came very much later. I discovered my love for writing in secondary school.

What is your mission and vision as a marriage/relationship counsellor?

To help couples and singles in Africa solve tough relationship and marriage issues.

You have captivating titles. How did you come up with them?

I learned that from the great thought leader, Emeka Nobis. He advocates that in a field where there are over a million voices, you must find a way to be heard. Catchy titles fulfil that. I had to hone the craft over time.

 Where and how do you get inspiration for your literary works?

Life inspires me a lot. I draw greatly from my daily interactions with singles and couples in counselling sessions, too. I read a lot but the greatest source of inspiration for me is my life. I write about my life a lot.

What was one of the most surprising things you learned as a marriage/relationship counsellor?

I learned that most of what people say about relationships and marriage isn't true at all, especially in church. For example, you can do all the right things and still have a failed marriage.

What author or book influenced you either growing up or as an adult?

A lot ooo! It would be difficult to pick one or even three. John C. Maxwell, Steven Covey, Bishop T.D. Jakes and Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie would top the list with their books. I read them a lot. I still do.

What do you consider your best accomplishment as a writer and relationship/marriage counsellor?

 Making Counselling accessible to people online on the go.

How many books have you written? What are the challenges you faced in writing and publishing them?

I've written eleven books so far. The major challenge is having more ideas to write about than I have time for.

How do you market your work? What avenues have you found to work best for you?

I market them online via social media marketing. I discovered that those that participate in counselling almost always buy one or more of my books, so I market my counselling services more than I market the books themselves. In fact, I now write books only for counselling purposes.

How do you coordinate all the different parts of your life?

This is one area I still have not been able to handle well. Balance is never easy. I'm still learning. Creating art requires time and concentration and travelling. I'm just glad that I have a very understanding wife. They get to bear the full brunt of the burdens of my dreams.

 How do you promote your books and are they yielding fruits?

Social media marketing and, for now, it works. I'm working on better ways to get my books into the hands of more people.

What kind of feedback do you get from your readers and those you mentor?

As a rule, I don't mentor people. I have a different understanding of mentoring. Feedback from my work usually comes during or after counselling.

Give us an interesting, fun fact about the writing of any of your books.

 I wrote INFIDELITY after I cheated on my wife years ago.

 

What do you consider as the essential role of a relationship/ marriage counsellor?

 A Counsellor is essentially a guide. He or she will not make your decisions for you but will make your options known to you and guide you to what suits you best per time.

What is your view on religion and how much of that influenced your writing?

Well, I was a pastor for years. Ministry took me to seven countries, but in 2018, I closed down a church I was pastoring and left ministry work. I go to church once in a while. I do not consider myself a Christian Counsellor even though most of my clients are Christians. Religion is good, but it takes more from you than it gives to you. I write for Christians, but I don't imbibe most of its principles.

In one of your books, you stated that polygamy is not wrong. What informed your perception of this? 

History, especially the Bible, informed my decision about this.

What is your perception of pre-marital and extra-marital sex in relationships?

I believe and teach that sex is a healthy part of a relationship for mature singles and couples. Sex outside a committed relationship with a person, whether you're single or married, is wrong. I also know that this doesn't stop people, anyway. It's not so simple sometimes.

 What is the best advice for intending couples?

Adjust your expectations. Marriage is a crazy journey. One person cannot give you everything you need. A lot of problems in marriage cannot be solved. They can only be managed.

The rate of divorce in Nigeria is on the increase. What do you think could be the cause?

I personally don't think that the high rate of divorce is necessarily a bad thing. I know many people that got divorced and became happier. More people, especially women, are beginning to realize that they can walk away, that they can get better. Historically, in Africa, people were expected to stay and suffer through a terrible marriage. A lot is changing and I'm happy about this. It would get worse, then it would get better. The high divorce rate is the beginning effect of a huge cultural shift in Africa.

Domestic violence is rampant these days. How do you think people would avoid it?

Domestic violence doesn't just happen. It leaves a lot of clues at the start and usually for a while. If people took these clues more seriously, domestic violence would reduce drastically. Typically, people see the signs but use love as an excuse or tell themselves that they can fix the person. It almost always never ends well.

As a marriage/relationship counsellor, what would you consider the best advice to the youths on marriage and relationships?

 You won't survive it alone. Have a counsellor on speed dial!

What has been the best compliment you have ever received about your work?

 I have been told that I have keen insight into human nature. I understand people a lot without judging them.

What do you consider your best accomplishment as a writer/counsellor?

Staying married till now. I didn't know I'll last this long. My Marriage is the foundation of my writing and Counselling.

Where is the best way to reach you and learn more about your books?

 Facebook via @Bright U. Nkwocha
 And WhatsApp via 08164137531

What makes a Good Wife?

Yes, who is a good wife? And what qualities make a woman a good wife?

Before going into this, let me ask if a man is a good husband, will that make the woman be a good wife?

Some will argue it to the moon and back. Whatever be your opinion, there is a grain of truth there.

A wife responds to her husband the way he treats her. If you treat your wife as worthless, she becomes worthless to you. If you treat her as royalty, she becomes a jewel in your crown, a pleasure and a blessing to you. 

As far as human relationship is concerned, what you give is what you get in return.

According to the Bible, Luke 6:38 (NKJV)

“For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.”

Here are qualities that make a woman a good wife.

Be pleasant. 

As a wife, be warm, kind, pleasant, understanding, and friendly to your husband, his family, and friends. Never be rude to him or his family members.

Welcome your husband home with a smile.

A good wife honours her husband with her pleasant manners and tone. A happy smile on her face, and a neat and clean appearance, go a long way to make her husband appreciate her. 

Be respectful. 

As a wife expects respect from a husband, so does a husband expect respect from a wife? "Respect is reciprocal," is a common saying.

Respect can be reflected in the way she talks and behaves. A good wife talks to her husband respectfully and lovingly, no matter his conditions or status in life.

A good wife does not belittle, criticize, humiliate, or talk down to her husband in private or in public. Doing so will hurt his ego. The quickest way to build resentment in your husband is to criticize or belittle him, especially in front of others. If you don’t agree with him, respectfully let him know you don’t agree with him.

If you treat your husband with disrespect before others, people around you will never respect him. Also, never embarrass him in public, particularly in front of your family or his friends or yours, especially in front of the children.

Be able to communicate. 

Communication plays a very vital role in marriage. In fact, it is the key to a good and solid relationship. Not just communication, but open communication is an integral part of every marriage. It involves your ability to be open, articulate, and free to share your inner thoughts. 

Open communication in marriage means you tell your husband what you think, how you feel and what you expect of him. A good wife does not hide things or keep secrets from her husband. 

If you are the type who bottles up your emotions, especially after a disagreement, then your marriage is in trouble. Your husband is not a mind reader. He acts based on what you say out loud.

Listening is critical for effective communication and as important as talking too. A good wife listens and not only talks; probably, you have lots of important things to tell him, also allow him to talk as well, and you listen. 

Both of you want to be heard. Give him the chance to hear you, and for you to listen to him. Find time to sit and gist with your husband. Listen to him talk about his day, talk to you about his problems, or interest.

Listening is not enough, make a conscious effort to hear, understand and make meaningful contributions. Pay attention during a conversation with your husband. Put away your phone and turn off anything that could be distracting and him your full attention when he is speaking.

Open communication is also the ability to resolve conflict amicably. When issues arise, talk through them with calm words and a calm mind. Talk to your husband – ask, say, and discuss. Not shout at him. Avoid the silent treatment, it will worsen the situation. Don’t leave your husband guessing about your feelings. 

Be supportive. 

A  good wife is always supportive of her husband in good times and in troubled times. A good wife loves her husband not only when he is successful. She should reassure and understand when her husband is feeling down or going through hard times. This is the period to be more thoughtful, supportive and loving as a good wife.

As a good wife, you should be your husband’s number one cheerleader. No matter how difficult the journey or situation, do not discourage your husband from pursuing his dream. Believe in him, assure him and help him in any way you can.

Do not nag. 

No man likes a nagging wife. Ask him nicely, and talk to him respectfully. Some wives think nagging is the only way to get their husbands to do things. The truth is, that nagging can create unwanted tension in the house.

A woman said she wouldn’t get her husband to do things for her if she didn’t nag.

A good husband knows the right thing to do for his wife. 

Don't greet him with complaints and problems early in the morning or the moment he comes back home. Instead of pestering him, talk to him sensibly about issues or your needs.

Constant complaining and murmuring will only push your husband out of the house, and to avoid you, he spends time in bars or at times in the arms of another woman. 

Give him his space.

 As a good wife, it's important to understand your husband has a life outside you and the home. He has family, friends, and colleagues who are also part of his life. He may have hobbies and passions he is involved in. 

Also, a married man needs space at times, even from his wife. Respect that and give him some space, and allow him to pursue his hobbies and interests. Don’t expect his undivided attention at all times. 

Don’t stop him if he wants to hang out with his friends or engage in a hobby or sport or if he wants to go to a viewing centre to watch a football match. An interfering wife is an irritating woman.

Restricting your husband’s freedom and intruding on his space can be suffocating and will negatively affect your marriage.

Keep him happy in bed. 

Sexual intimacy is one of the most essential things in marriage. When you please your man, he will be obliged to please you in return. If you cannot keep your man happy in bed, he may go where he can get it, in the hand of a side chick. 

Also, don’t let the man do all the work on the bed, be an active partner, be adventurous and be outspoken. Most husbands want to hear their wives tell them how to please them during sex.

A man once told me that for 10 years of his marriage, he had been the one initiating sex between him and his wife. One day, he decided to stop and see what his wife would do. One month they didn’t make love, and the wife accused him of having an extramarital affair. He asked her, have you even requested sex from me, and I denied you of it?

Taking the first step in lovemaking does not mean you’re lewd, and neither will it diminish your husband’s respect for you. So if you’re in the mood for sex, go ahead and take the initiative. Get flirtatious, tease him, touch him, kiss him, tell him how you want it. He is your husband. 

Be affectionate.

Express your love and appreciation to your husband as often as possible. Men like praises and appreciation, and they like to hear the words "I love you" too. 

They also want to hear their wives tell them how good they are in bed. It boosts their confidence and makes them strive to satisfy their wives often as well. 

A good wife gives her husband thoughtful gifts once in a while. She never forgets the special days in his life. Men love surprises too. So surprise him on his birthday, a party, cook his favourite meal or a special night of passion will go a long way to show your husband you love him. 

Do not shift your affection for your husband to your children, it is wrong. It alienates the man from the children and in some cases, made the children lose respect for their father.

Be loyal and dedicated. 

A good wife is honest, loyal, and dedicated. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and the vows you took, in the beginning, should be kept up at all times.

Be loyal to your husband, and stand by him in all stages of his career and life, in health and sickness. Be proud of his accomplishments, and compliment and appreciate him. 

You and your husband are a team, so you should plan together and act in unison. A good wife does not make major decisions about the family without consulting with her husband. 

Good maintenance.

Some women overlook their appearances once married. They will tell you, after all, that they are not looking for another husband. Wives should care more about their appearances because getting a good husband is a battle, and keeping the man and keeping your marriage is a fiercer battle. 

Also, know that a good appearance makes for a cheerful disposition. Taking good care of your appearance makes you feel good and bold as well as makes your husband happy and proud. Men like their wives to look good and smell good. And take care of your health too.

Make yourself look good and healthy, not just for him, but for yourself. 

Be hygienic. Maintain a clean and neat house your husband will feel happy to come home to every day. 

Be a good housekeeper. The family spending expenses need to be handled with thriftiness by the wife. A good wife must be financially intelligent, in order not to waste her husband’s finances. She is a good homemaker and a builder, not a squanderer.

Caring and compassionate.

A good wife is caring and compassionate. She is sensitive to her husband’s needs and understands his moods and knows how to make him happy.

Her care and compassion should not be for the husband alone.  It includes loving and caring for his family and friends. A good wife should care for, and love her husband’s immediate family, show kindness to them, and visit or call them from time to time, especially his parents, if they are still alive. 

A good wife should also know her husband’s friends and treat them as her friends, too. Try as much as possible to join him in activities he's interested in, or invariably allow him to indulge in them. 

Pamper your husband often, men are just overgrown boys who are constantly in the care of a woman. A good wife makes her husband dependent on her by doing things no one else will do for him. This makes him miss you and have you in his thoughts when you are not around him. Your gestures, actions and words will inspire him to do something wonderful for you. 

Be Prayerful.

As a good wife, prayer should be one of your key weapons. Praying for your husband and family daily is the best thing you can do for them. Prayer should be your banner over your family.

A praying wife is a pride to her husband. A man once asked a friend his secret for business success. He told him he has a praying wife. A wife who takes her spiritual life seriously is a blessing to her husband and home. 

Be Honest.  

Honesty builds trust in a relationship. Marriages that are based on honesty are devoid of strives that come with lies and untruthfulness. A good wife does not cheat or lie to her husband. If your husband is honest with you, then he deserves the same honesty and truthfulness from you.

Being truthful should be intentional. At times, honesty hurts and may result in resentment or fights. It’s better, to be honest than to be dishonest. Dishonesty destroys trust in a relationship. But honesty helps to build trust and to strengthen your marriage. 

Develop self-sustaining habits.

Being a good wife is not limited to taking care of your husband and family. As a woman, groom yourself, grow, be industrious, and be an asset to your husband and not a beautiful,  clueless trophy wife.

In your quest to be a good wife, it is also important to develop positive attributes and self-sustaining habits. These qualities will help you to play your role as a good wife and also maintain a healthy and balanced relationship with your husband.

You have to be at peace with yourself, love yourself, be proud of yourself and above all, have a personal identity. When you have these attributes, exhibiting them towards your husband, family and friends comes naturally to you.

Be submissive and obedient

A good wife is submissive and obedient, but not to the level of servitude. Marriage is not a master/servant relationship. NO. Marriage is a mutual partnership of individuals who complement each other and contribute equally to the marriage.

A wife is an equal partner in the marriage. If you want a submissive and obedient wife, then be a loving and respectful husband. A man will have to love his wife to the point of earning her obedience and submissiveness.

Wives are the nucleus, the dots that connect every member of the household. It is a wife that sets the tone and mood in the house. Men are merely glorified over-lords. A happy wife makes a happy home.  A wife who knows her worth and nurtures her home with wisdom, love, and care is a good wife indeed.

A good wife makes a good husband. If a woman is a good wife to her husband and treats him right, he will cherish her, love her, and be a good husband to her in return.

Remember, there are two people in this relationship, and each has to play their roles to make their marriage an ideal one.

The Boy and Nature(Elijah Gabriel Akpan)

 

I cherish the morning breeze,

As I wake to see the morning birds

All around the mango trees here and there.

Making joyful and melodies music as 

That of the choristers.

"Let\"s go to the river in the morning";

The word is my joy booster

Oh, it drives me to smile

For I know I will have fun 

With flowers, plants and fishes in there.

And happy to chase butterflies 

The riverbank is full of fun

At all times.

With nature all around me

Great friends, I have in them

They make my day go joyously.

But, take me to the city

The chaos drives my joy afar

How do you expect me to feel happy

The way things are over there?

And nature, far away from me

Oh, dear parents.

I\"m a country boy

Happy with nature and the natural

If you uproot me,

I will not survive

In the soil of civilization,

If you intend to transplant me,

Plant me on loamy soil.

Or by the waterside.

So I will be in touch 

With birds, fishes and nature 

Otherwise, my body will shrivel.

And my joy will extinguish

I know you wouldn\"t wish

This calamity on me.

©Elijah Gabriel Akpan

Elijah Gabriel Akpan, hails from Ikono LGA in Akwa-ibom state in Nigeria. He is an Art student who graduated from Prestige Model College in Ondo state, Nigeria.

 

  

Dillibe Onyeama's Anti-Christ (Book Review)

 

I've always loved and enjoyed books by Dillibe Onyeama. This book is no exception. In the introduction, Mr Onyeama stated that the essence of the book Anti-Christ is an “attempt to open the eyes of those who care to look to the reality of how specific historic and current events are synchronizing exactly with chronological biblical prophecy.” 

He divided the book into two parts.

Book one, titled “Spirit of Deception” has seven chapters and book two titled “Spirit of Evil” has nine chapters. The main theme of the book is the deceptions and evils that have plagued the world since creation and the roles played by Satan and his fallen angels in deceiving the world and causing mayhem on earth.

Mr Onyeama traces the origin of man biblically and the place of the black race and African in the scheme of creation with particle reference to the Igbo people of Nigeria, with facts from different sources to authenticate the claim. According to the author, the emergency of different races, religions and pigments of the human species are all schemes of Satan, an effective ploy to deceive man and bring confusion in the world. He challenges the supremacy attitude of the white race and enthroned the black race as God’s first creatures on earth.

The book weaves its way through many controversial issues like the existence of ghosts, UFO’s, reincarnation theories and sightings of the Virgin Mary, which he sees as the antics of sly tacticians from the world of the fallen angels on earth and part of Satan’s web of deception and manipulation of man. There is a lot of build-up of theories that the antichrist is in the world already, waiting to fulfil its prophecy. The author cited world events and conspiracy theories that pointed towards the emergency of the antichrist with biblical landmarks.

Lots of conspiracy theories have been flaunted about the coming of the antichrist. Conspiracy theories are nothing new. Each generation comes up with its own conspiracy theories and the world has heard many tales of the birth of the biblical beast or antichrist which were quoted in the book. End-time prophesies are not new but with each generation, the story snowballs, and we hold our breaths and wait for the rapture to take place and the antichrist to take over and rule the world for three and half years as foretold biblically.

The book antichrist is a harvest of information on the world’s march toward Armageddon. In glaring words, Mr Onyeama narrates the efforts and plans of world leaders to bring about a new world order that will usher in world peace. However, their efforts seem to be a mirage as each fought for the supremacy of their races and countries, which according to Mr Onyeama is part of Satan’s script to take over the reign of the earth from God and distort God’s plan for humans on earth. 

He writes extensively of events and incidences of the presumed antichrist and Satan’s untiring efforts to deceive humans and set them against their maker. Some of which are the alarming disregard of God in civilized nations,  the rise of devil worshippers and the enthronement of atheist civilization. And then, the aspiration of man to play God through cloning of humans using DNA code.  He notes that the possibility of scientists creating humans with extraordinary superpowers through genetic engineering has only been a work in progress for decades. Though achieved in science fiction films, the world is yet to witness it in reality.

The growing incident of evil in the world, the death of Christianity in developed nations especially in America that is termed “God’s Own Country and computer technology that will produce a micro-chip which will contain financial and personal data of owners are mentioned in the book as part of the events that will herald the coming of the antichrist.

A well-researched book, overflowing with facts that will pique the curiosity of anyone who is interested in the story of man's creation and the conspiracy theories surrounding the coming of the antichrist 

Though engaging, there are some contestable summations in the book. For instance, Mr Onyeama writes that “The myth of reincarnation of human beings has no foundation in reality.” Reincarnation is a controversial topic which one cannot wave away as untrue. There are many cultures that believe in it.

 

And the ending is informative, but it wasn’t the ending I expected. Base on Arnold Schwarzenegger's current status ascribing his life as the prototype of the expected antichrist sounds far fetch. 

The book is an eye-opener,  a warning to the church not to lose its grip and to focus on the coming of Christ. And the world to prepare for the great tribulation that awaits it. The big question is when? Even Jesus couldn’t answer the question.

6-DEADLY-FEARS-THAT-HINDER-EMOTIONAL-INTIMACY

Intimacy is from the Latin word “Intimus”, meaning to have personal knowledge or to reach into the inmost parts of a person. Intimacy is a contact that explores deeply the very core of a person, resulting in extra-ordinary closeness and understanding.

Intimacy is of two types, physical intimacy and emotional intimacy, which is our focus here. It is better to establish emotional intimacy before the physical will be meaningful. In a relationship, it’s far easier to de-nude yourself physically than emotionally. And physical intimacy doesn’t give birth to emotional intimacy. To achieve this, you have to work at it.

Emotional intimacy involves being confident enough to share yourself, your heart, your fears, your aspirations, and your desires with your partner. A complete sharing and caring without reservation or hindrance. An unconditional and unrestrained giving of yourself, heart, body and soul to another.

However, emotional intimacy exposes you, makes you transparent, defenceless and vulnerable before another. It is for these reasons that getting real intimate is a tough ordeal for most people. They find it very hard and uneasy to let go of their core belief. They are afraid to expose the very centre of their being to another.

At the beginning of a relationship, it is usually better to give a little of yourself per time. It’s a budding romance and like a blooming bud, you unfold your layers gradually. Getting involved in a relationship is like travelling to an unknown territory. You put your foot forward one at a time because you’re unsure of the ground you’re treading upon.

At the onset of a relationship, there is that tendency to please, to give and to care for each other because each is trying to put up a good front, each is trying hard to make the other feel wanted and accepted, but that’s not intimacy yet, you’re still test driving the union, by the time you’re on full motion, the struggle to achieve real intimacy begins.

The one reason we don’t always realize real emotional intimacy in relationships is FEAR. We are being captivated, dominated, subjugated and intimidated by fear. And what is fear? False-Evidence-Against-Reality, a psychological state of the mind, a situation in which your mind holds court and puts up evidence that is more imagined than real; it tells you a thousand and one reasons why you should not take that bold step and surrender yourself completely to your partner.

Fear imprisoned us and makes us less committed in our relationships. Fear makes us put up facades and hold ourselves in check. What are these fears?

1. FEAR OF REJECTION:

At the beginning of a relationship, people strive for acceptance, so the fear of rejection will make a person hide his/her true self, especially the part they consider being the negative side of them or a defect in their personality.

This is because of the feeling that if you reveal yourself if you allow your partner to know you intimately too soon, it will diminish their love for you. Which is better, to face rejection at the beginning of a relationship or to struggle with it in the middle of it? It’s your take.

2. FEAR OF CRITICISM:

If it’s not rejection you’re afraid of, then it's criticism. Maybe if he/she knows the truth about you, then the person may be critical of what you have or have not. Some of us are not really good at taking criticism, especially from someone we love so much, but is it not those who love and care for us that will give us honest and unbiased critique about ourselves? If we are confident enough to open up to the person, however, we prefer not to risk the person’s disapproval, so we hide our thoughts and actions from the person, making achieving emotional intimacy an arduous task.

3. FEAR OF MISUNDERSTANDING:

Again, we keep our feelings and words in check because we are afraid to be misunderstood. Fear of misunderstanding makes us, at times, keep our opinion and thoughts to ourselves when we need to voice them out. We do this with the assumption that the person may not understand or appreciate the significance of what we will say.

It is better to say it and give the person the benefit of doubt. Being misunderstood isn’t the end of the world or a heinous offence, rather it will also give you an inkling of your partner’s reasoning ability. A healthy debt or argument draws out each person’s inner thoughts and strength of personality and also throws light on the person’s mental capabilities. If you didn’t say it out loud, you will never know how the other person will react.

4. FEAR OF RIDICULE:

We believe that if the other person doesn’t understand and appreciate your words or action, then you will look stupid before them. We are afraid to be ridiculed, which is humiliating, so because of fear of being humiliated, we are always conscious of our words and actions which work against complete openness about our feelings.

5. FEAR OF SUFFOCATION:

Most people see emotional intimacy as a threat to their self-identity and a complete loss of individuality. People want breathing space, so to say; they want to retain part of whom and what they believe they are. So because of fear of suffocation, of being taking over by another person, they cling to themselves by being aloof as a kind of psychological defence.

They don’t want to be dominated or feel sequestered in the relationship. They feel it’s threatening to allow someone else to take over your heart, your thoughts, and your emotions. Emotional intimacy calls for complete surrender and not partial involvement.

It only takes a mature mind to understand this sacrifice and not abuse it. More often, it is the abuse that holds people back.

6. FEAR OF VULNERABILITY:

It is assumed that if you let your defence down, if you’re completely honest and open with your partner, then you will be at the mercy of that person because he/she might use what they know about you as a weapon to hurt, to control, humiliate or even suppress you. Yes, fear of vulnerability makes people cringe from real intimacy. Vulnerability is susceptible to emotional manipulation.

All these fears make intimacy a very expensive venture.

Intimacy is a long-time process that is arrived at gradually but not without some emotional battle and fireworks. Achieving emotional intimacy is a struggle, a battle between you and yourself, your emotion and being, and also between you and your partner. This is because emotional intimacy calls for humility, honesty, trust and commitment towards one another.

Before you could achieve emotional intimacy, there is always a power tussle, or war of supremacy, which is nothing more than a testing of your emotional love boat to find firm anchorage. Mostly, the war is not always verbal but a silent acting out of emotions, where both parties are trying to find out things like does she/he really love and care for me? Can I trust him/her with my life? Can I depend on his/her love, understanding, and acceptance of who I am?

It is only when you assuage your fears that trust and understanding will be established. With a little give and take, intimacy will grow and flourish. You can only achieve complete surrender when you accept your relationship as a precious union, something worth compromising over, something that requires you to back down and surrender to your desires and emotions. But as said, it is not instant. It is a journey, and the distance depends on the individuals involved.

The Newcomer to Istanbul - Ikenna Okeh

Solomon came awake, slowly at first, and then as though realizing that he was in an unfamiliar environment, his eyelids snapped open, blinking repeatedly as his mind adjusted to the strange room. Everything began to piece together. He had slept on the couch in the living room where he had passed out, tired, last night. The chilly air that wafted in through the open balcony smelt heavy with the same brand of cigarette that had hit his nostrils yesterday as soon as he had stepped out of the Istanbul Ataturk Airport building. Obviously, that was the smell of Istanbul, and everybody seemed to carry it about them. 

Istanbul! Yes, he was here finally, he said to himself, but the smile froze on his face. Gone was the euphoria of yesterday that came with the realization that he had at last succeeded in leaving Nigeria for good. Finally, I don japa he had posted on his Facebook page, accompanying it with a photo of himself at the airport after being cleared by Immigration. He was yet to attend to the flood of comments that the post garnered immediately.

Propping himself to a sitting position, he heaved a sigh as he took in the sight of the living room with its sparse decor. The empty bottles of beer from last night littered the small centre table and the floor around it, a reminder of the little welcome that Chido and his flatmate, Ejiro, had given him. But now, the flat was still and quiet except for the occasional honk or rev of a car engine from the narrow street below.

What now? Solomon asked himself. There was no plan for the day, and meanwhile, Chido was probably still asleep or he may have gone out already, to work or elsewhere. Getting off the couch, Solomon made for his luggage set aside to one part of the living room. He got out his toothbrush from the small zipper on his knapsack he got out his toothbrush and left in the direction where he calculated that the bathroom would be.

It was a surprisingly spacious bathroom equipped with a shower and modern toilet facilities. In the bathroom mirror, he regarded himself, observing how tired he looked from the trip of yesterday during which he had worried over so many things including the possibility of missing his connecting flight in Dubai or being turned back by immigration at Istanbul. At the airport in Nigeria, the immigration officers had fleeced him and the flight attendants had made insinuations that made him fear that he would not be allowed to board. He had parted with some money and everything had been alright between him and them afterwards.

Pressing some toothpaste onto his brush, he smiled to himself, told himself that he had made it, and then turning the faucet on, he slurped some water into his mouth, spat it out, wetted the toothpaste on his brush and then began to brush. An approaching presence in the bathroom made him turn to see Chido stifling a yawn as he came through the open door. 

“Bros, good morning,” Solomon greeted. 

“Why you leave the tap on like that?” Chido asked, sounding serious. “This place no be Naija o. Them dey bill you as this water dey rush so.”

“Sorry,” Solomon said, hastily turning off the faucet and continuing with his brushing while ignoring the splashing sound that was Chido peeing into the toilet.

Presently, Solomon finished in the bathroom and returned to the living room to find Ejiro lounging in one of the sofas and smoking a stick of cigarette that Solomon would have thought to be a weed but for the coffee flavour which he considered repugnant. He threw Ejiro a greeting to which he nodded his acknowledgement and then threw his head back to blow out a stream of smoke. Chido joined them at the moment, taking a seat on the sofa across from Ejiro. 

“Solo,” he said. “Make you sidon, I want reason you something.” 

There was no mistaking the hint of urgency in Chido’s tone even though he tried to hide it, and this made Solomon’s heart skip a beat. He took a seat, toothbrush in hand. “First of all, welcome to Istanbul, Turkey.” Solomon thought to mutter a ‘thank you’ but he was not sure that it came out alright. “So now, you don come, wetin be your arrangement?”

Solomon opened his mouth but his mind was too jumbled to hazard a reply. “I … I no know as e dey be. I don come make una carry me along.”

Chido chuckled. “Bros, no be so. Na Istanbul be this. Nobody dey carry anybody along. Na one one leg wey everybody take stand for this town. As e be like this now, person no dey know another person house. Na for outside wey men dey meet to coordinate business, after business finish, all man go find their way. Na special grace wey I give you so, to bring you come my crib make you sleep for one night before you find your way. After all, me and you no get any arrangement. The only arrangement wey we get na to arrange visa for you and I don do am. My work suppose don finish.”

Solomon held back the tears of frustration that stung his eyes but he couldn’t stop the tightening knot in the pit of his stomach. He looked to Ejiro who carried on with his smoking, unmoved by the discussion going on around him.

“Chido,” Solomon said, hoping that his voice didn’t betray him. “Abeg na, no do me this kind thing. Remember as we take sabi from Obigbo. Na brothers we be o. I no get another person for this place.”

Chido laughed. “Solo, make you no dey reason am like that. I dey tell you as e dey be for this town. How you want take tell me say you from Naija dey come and you no arrange your package very well? Anyway, no need to stress the matter. Na man you be. You go surely survive for this jungle. But wetin dey be say you don come be say you don come. Make you arrange yourself anyhow bring out money go find house where you go stay dey cool your head. Once you don arrange that one, the spirit of hustle go enter your body.”

“Chido, abeg make I stay here small so that una go carry me along.”

“Bros, I don tell you finish o. You go find your own place because for this abroad, them no dey pay rent for person. I fit give you only one week make you take arrange yourself. As you see so, no be only me dey for this apartment. Meanwhile, prepare make you follow us go eat. I dey hungry.”

With that Chido got up and left, scratching his crotch. Ejiro lit up another cigarette and smoked on. Disoriented and fidgety, Solomon beat around for his phone on the sofa. Good a thing the battery had not died out. He would have to talk to someone back home before he lost his mind, but upon opening up his messenger app, there were lots of messages waiting to be read, all of them from friends and relatives congratulating him on successfully leaving Nigeria and expressing hope in being privileged to be like him soon.   

Ikenna Okeh. Poet and Novelist