Olusola Sophia Anyanwu (Author & Poet)

Author's Hangout With Zizi.

As I went through her profile on Twitter, the word “loves to encourage.” was a glaring testament to her love for others. From reading more about her, I discovered that indeed, Olusola Sophia Anyanwu is not just a woman with a large heart but one who touches lives tremendously with her hand, pen, and word.

She gives lifting hands to authors by buying, reading and reviewing the books she reads. When she said she is a reader and a reviewer, she is.

She is also a good poet, a romance writer and with heart-touching Christian books in her kit. 

One of her books, The Captive’s Crown, which she graciously sent to me, made my day. I couldn’t engage in any other activity until I finished reading it. The story was captivating and vibrant, and the writing; was classic. It shows the redemptive works of Jesus while on earth. A life-transforming Christian book.

Olusola Anyanwu is a talented writer who has written books across different genres, from romance and poetry to children’s books. Sit back and read about this wonderful author and woman of God.

 Tell us about yourself?

Thanks for having me!  My full name is Olusola Sophia Anyanwu, a British Nigerian, married with 5 children and 7 grandchildren. I am a Christian, a tutor, writer, poet and reviewer. I have authored 13 books which include 3 poetry collections.

When did you start writing? 

In 1979, I started writing poetry. Before then, as a child of 12, I liked writing songs and play scripts for my siblings.

When did you publish your first book?

 In July 2017

What are the challenges you faced in getting your first book published?

 I was a greenhorn and completely naïve at that time. So I googled for publishers and went for the first thing that came up. This was AuthorHouse publishers. It was done in good time and affordable. So, it was straightforward without any challenges.

You are a versatile writer with captivating books. Where do you get inspiration for them? 

Thanks so much for the compliment! It has to be God using my experiences at uni, my family and the Bible to inspire me.

Have you ever experienced writer’s block, and how did you deal with it?

Ah, yes! There were those few occasions when I ran dry of ideas and even the motivation to continue a particular writing project.  I dealt with this by starting a completely new writing project, attempting poetry or letting myself ‘rest’ for weeks waiting for God to start me off again.

Is there any author or book that influenced you in any way either growing up or as an adult?

 I enjoyed Elechi Amadi’s romantic writing in ‘The Concubine’ in my teens. As an adult, I have especially enjoyed Lola Shoneyin’s intrigue, wit, humour and writing style in ‘The Secret Lives of Baba Segi’s Wives. I also love Susan Howatch’s writing style in ‘Sins of the Fathers’ and have thoroughly enjoyed all the Christian Fiction books written by Francine Rivers.

Is anything in your books based on real-life experiences or purely all imagination? 

Stories from the Heart, Their Journey and The Crown, are based on true life, but the rest of my books are pure imagination!

What do you consider your best accomplishment as a writer? 

That would be publishing all my writings.

How many books have you written? Any favourite and why? 

I have written 13 books, and my favourite is ‘Their Journey’. It is my first Christian fiction novel and the only book that comprises historical, romance, intrigue and fantasy. I really enjoyed writing it.

What are the challenges of being a writer?

Getting reviews, Marketing and Sales.

What are your other interests outside reading and writing? 

Playing board games like chess. 

How do you relax? 

Listening to classical or Christian music and watching a nice movie occasionally.

What advice will you give to aspiring writers, especially those who would want to toe in your footsteps? 

They should explore their creative writing skills, attend workshops to hone their skills and read loads of storybooks.

How long does it take you to write a book? 

For small books, a month to 3 months and big books, from 6 months to 1 year.

What would you say is your interesting writing quirk? 

Classical music

What does your family think of your writing? 

Good question. It hasn’t quite sunk into their heads that I am a writer, though my children and my husband are supportive.

What was one of the most surprising things you learned in writing your books? 

That I could write over 300,000 words in a short time if I put my mind to it.

Did your environment and upbringing influence your writing? 

Yeah. My Dad was an author and introduced me to the love of books. I had my own library right from 7 years old.

How do you cope with writing and nurturing your many children and grandchildren? 

God is good! My youngest child will be 25 this year. My grandchildren are in Dubai, Northfleet and Colchester. When they visit, they inspire my poetry writing. I write when they are asleep. They don’t visit all the time, so I have time for myself.

For more about Olusola Anyanwu and her books, visit her website or her Amazon author page.

                           

https://www.olusolasophiaanyanwuauthor.com/

 https://www.amazon.com/Olusola-Sophia-Anyanwu/e/B07MC9KYDK%3Fref=dbs_a://www.amazon.com/Olusola-Sophia-Anyanwu/e/B07MC9KYDK%3Fref=dbs_a

Ulioma (The reincarnated princess)

 Is she cursed or what? If not, why will unhappiness and rejection trail her life from her father to the man her heart falls in love with?

Ulioma discovers the man who bestrides her dreams and waking hours is a prince destined to marry a princess. She is just a palace maid, yet fate brings them together and entangles their hearts.

Ikeobi knows fate has plans for Ulioma in his life, but he is not yet certain if he will play along or not.

Reasons most relationships don’t last.

Pick up a magazine/newspaper or surf the internet on relationship issues, and you will always find tips on ways to improve your relationship. It mostly goes thus:

Ten ways to attract love and make it last. 

Ten ways to keep your man.

Ten ways to have a perfect relationship.

Ten ways to make a man happy.

Ten ways to please a woman.

Ten ways to build the perfect marriage.

And so forth.

Yet, despite all the thousand ten proving ways and the magic of getting it right, people are still not getting it right. Relationships are in shambles, and divorce and break-ups are increasing alarmingly. And I wonder, is it that the ten ways are not working or that people are not reading and practising the expert’s advice?

Lots of hearts are broken and bleeding. More and more people sleep at night and hug their pillows for comfort and warmth. One is tempted to ask, “what is wrong with the modern world?” Despite all the enlightenments and books on relationships, people still lost their sense of direction on how to make committed relationships last. 

It is just proof that there is no single tested and approved recipe for love and successful relationships. No one book can teach people how to love and have a successful relationship. There are no strict guidelines for a lasting relationship. People have different approaches to relationships.

However, we know society is plagued by factors fighting to box committed relationships out of existence. These factors are sociological, moral and economic and have contributed to the brevity of committed relationships in today’s world. 

Also, there are attributes and character flaws that contribute to making relationships short-lived.

Factors working against lasting relationships.

Moral laxity.

People have lost respect and love for each other, both as a person and as lovers. Social and moral values are being flagrantly trampled upon daily. People no longer have respect for values and traditions.

Relationships have become a rat race activity, with no moral standards and marked guidelines. People do not adhere to due processes and protocols when seeking and expressing romantic intentions.

People do not take time to cultivate relationships, only an instant flare of passion that goes off as fast too because it lacks depth and no root. In today’s society, intolerance and impatience are the norms. Some want their desires fulfilled without the emotional toll of commitment with exclusivity.

Love is no longer a requirement for sex to take place. Today, casual sex is the norm rather than the exception. More often than not, people took sex for granted and performed it in an emotionless environment and without tact or affection. The sexual act has become a crude activity, stripped of charm and prudence and performed without finesse but a soulless gyration of the body for release.  

Mistrust. 

Mutual integrity and trust were values held high in relationships in past generations, but now people get together under superficial attractions. Mistrust and insincerity have become the order of the day because you can no longer distinguish between lies and truth.

Most men and women have an arsenal of tricks and deceptions they bring into relationships, and when these are exhausted, what else is there to keep the relationship together? Nothing except resentment that will eventually kill it.

Lies, deceptions, pretentiousness, and dishonesty breed mistrust and without trust in a committed relationship, the union is in serious jeopardy. 

Unreasonable expectations. 

Some people go into a committed relationship with some expectations of what they want and what they hope to achieve or gain. Most often, such expectations are unrealistic.

When you enter into a relationship with sets of unrealistic high expectations, the chances of the relationship lasting are slim. Expecting your partner to solve all your physical, emotional and financial problems is burdensome. It means you went into the relationship because you need a problem solver, not a partner.

Invariably, you find yourself hoping in and out of a relationship because you’re seeking that which is not obtainable.

Deception. 

Most people change their values and personality just to trap someone in a relationship. Then, you build a relationship with the person. What happens next? You can’t live a lie for long. With time, your real colour shows, and your partner becomes wiser and takes off. 

In today’s world, people don’t have long-term plans for relationships, hence the use of deception. They are after the here-and-now thrills, and when their deceptive acts burst to the surface, they move to their next victim.

Some people have never been genuinely in love. When they experience a butterfly-in-the-stomach feeling, they label it love. People have bastardised the word love so much that it is no longer appreciated, and its true meaning has lost its value that most people don’t even believe in its existence. 

Reasons being that: 

• People label every affection as love and come together to confess loving each other. 

• Two infatuated adults momentarily obsessed with each other announced they love each other. 

• People attracted into a relationship for looks or money will confess love to achieve their desires.

• People with an instant spark of lust build a relationship around it and call it love.

 And when these relationships fail, they blame love - when, in fact, there was no love in the union in the first place. 

Because: 

• You cannot claim to love someone if you cannot respect the person. Love is respectful.

• You cannot claim to love someone if you cannot protect their interest. Love protects.

• You cannot claim to love someone and not be able to tolerate their flaws. Love is patient. 

• You cannot claim to love someone and talk down on them with hateful words. Love is kind.

• You cannot claim to love someone if you cannot put their interest above yours. Love is selfless. 

• You cannot claim to love someone and use them to achieve your selfish desires. Love is not manipulative.

• You cannot claim to love someone and only think of what you will gain from them. Love is not greed.

Some people think love is not enough because they are yet to appreciate and understand the true meaning of love. Genuine love is beautiful and rare and doesn’t come cheap.

 That is why many people think it doesn't exist. Most people are into false relationships because they fake love or create a counterfeit version as a coping mechanism.

Hearts are bleeding because people go for fake love instead of waiting or seeking genuine love. People marry out of desperation, for wrong reasons, and many are intimidated or coerced into relationships/marriage by peer/family pressure or circumstances.

The whole point of a relationship/marriage is to be with someone who loves you and who you love. Be patient and find true love. You are not in a competition with anyone. 

Stop building relationships/marriages not rooted in love because you will only hurt yourself. You need to be in a relationship with someone you love, not just someone available at the moment. Though the fact you’re in love with the person is not a guarantee your relationship/marriage will be trouble-free. No, but you have a good chance at making the relationship work with someone you love and want to be with than with someone you don’t have any feelings for. 

DIVIDED WE STAND; UNITED WE FALL(David Onojah)

The lamp on your feet cannot brighten

the whole earth.

Lead your people to the path they would follow.

The son of man drowns in the blood of his siblings,

that floods through the nation's streets.

Still, in silence for a thousand years

Our leaders betray us with a quiet eye.

We have suffered enough under their cruel watch

Mocked with their faeces

left at our doorsteps

The scorn, the waves of laughter, the jeers

fell on our feet.

And our faces glowed with a caked smile.

Our hearts rumbled

with echoes of a dying era.

We read our country's anthem

with tears in our eyes.

A country that serves you

a cup of your own tears

And feed you with a loaf of stone

You barely digest.

I'll rather marry pain than death.

United we fall, divided we stand

Hold your breath in the palm of your hands

Let everyone be responsible for their own death.

We live in a country

where silence prevails and truth hides in the lips of prey.

© DAVID ONOJAH (DAVEPOET1)

Practical relationship advice for women

Every woman wants a perfect man, a responsible man, and a financially capable man for a perfect relationship/marriage. Some never stop to ask if they will be the perfect woman for a man. It is vital for a woman to make herself the person a man wants to marry and live with happily.

Before you think of marriage, try to add value to your life. Check yourself and determine which areas of your life you need to upgrade to become a better version of YOU. There is a saying that if you want to marry a prince, you make yourself a princess. How do you make yourself a princess?

Now that you’re single, it is the best time to focus on what will make you a better person. You can get to know yourself and work to improve yourself to become a worthy woman a man will want to marry and cherish. Now is the time to turn your attention to yourself and invest more in adding value to your life before you decide on the kind of man you want in your life.

When you focus on being the best YOU possible, life will reward you with the right man for that quality relationship your heart desires.

How to add value to yourself

Self-love 

Self-love means loving yourself, but not in self-absorbing narcissistic ways. But being self-assured and confident about who you are and appreciating your self-worth as a woman is self-love.

When you know yourself, know your capabilities, and you’re aware of your aspirations in life, it will help you recognise and accept the kind of man that fits you and your personality. 

When you love and respect yourself, you will attract a man who will love and respect you. You don’t have to compromise your self-esteem or status because of a man. How you treat yourself is how a man will treat you. What you allow into your life is what you get.

Learn to cook

 Food is still a good way to a man’s heart, even though some modern-day women disprove that. Men want a woman who can cook nice homemade meals. They want value for their money and want to come home to a nicely prepared and delicious meal.

Take time to learn how to cook food that will tantalise a man’s taste bud. There are tutorials online for that, so take advantage of them.

Learn something new or do something new. 

Learning is a continuous process. Don’t let yourself become stagnant.  Learn something new always. Read books and watch films that will engage you mentally. Learn a new language, learn a new skill, develop a new hobby, just for the fun of it. Learn to cook new dishes. Surf the net and YouTube for something new to add to your life. Don’t ever be dormant.

Care about something. Go for something that will improve your life, mentally and physically. Be passionate about it and pursue it. Follow your dreams or anything that makes you feel good about yourself.

As a single woman, you can do whatever you want to do when you want to do it since there is no one to answer to yet. So, live your life to your full potential.

Learn how to drive. 

If you have the time and don’t know how to drive, there’s no harm in learning how to drive. It will come in handy one day. Be ready for opportunities. Don’t wait until you marry a man with a car to learn to drive.

Take care of yourself. 

Taking good care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally is essential. Eat good food, sleep well, take care of your health, and go for medical checks periodically. Live intentionally and purposefully. 

Do not neglect your physical appearance. Stay in shape and be fit.  If you don’t love your body, work on it. Try to exercise, and do workouts. Go for walks. Go for runs.

If you have mental health challenges, anger issues or insecurities, work on them and learn how to manger your disabilities and negative habits. When you’re aware of them, it becomes easier for you to tackle.

Have goals.

Responsible men regard women without goals, dreams, or desires as a dead weight. Make sure you have some goals and plans. Don’t enter a relationship with an empty head. Bring something, a ‘brainful’ of ideas, achievable goals and not just your body.

Also, have a financial plan for yourself. You know you will marry one day, start saving up for a wedding now. Who says the man should bear the cost of the wedding alone?

Groom yourself to be the kind of person you desire to marry. Do you want someone healthy? Be healthy yourself. Do you want someone educated? Be educated too. Do you want someone God-fearing? Be God-fearing as well. If you want a man that is financially responsible, be the same too. Train yourself to be a good home manager.

When you add value to yourself and make yourself a woman of substance, then be sure to go into a relationship with a man who has value too, and a man who will see and appreciate your worth. 

If you’re in a relationship already, here are tips on how to have a quality relationship.

How to have a quality relationship

Don’t settle.

If you know your worth and what you want in a relationship, you won’t settle for Mr Available. You will rather wait for Mr Right. Mr Perfect is a mirage because no one is perfect. The man who is right for you and treats you right is your Mr Right.

Due to fear or peer pressure, don’t settle for a man when you know right inside your heart that he is not who you want. You will be miserable in that relationship. Wait for the right man, and try to add value to your life.

Have a life of your own.

No matter how much you love your partner, that shouldn’t stop you from having a life of your own. 

Have some independence and an identity of your own. Don’t abandon your friends or your routine because you’re in a relationship. Don’t become too dependent on the man, physically, emotionally, or financially. Also, don’t play couple when the guy has not proposed yet. 

Don’t revolve your life around the man. Take care of yourself, pursue your hobbies or career or whatever makes you happy outside your relationship. You need to enhance your life in other ways, or else you won’t have any value to add to your relationship.

Don’t be needy.

Having a life of your own ensures you’re not needy and that your life doesn't revolve around the man.

Needy behaviour is suffocating in relationships. Being needy will not endure you to your man, nor will it help you to hold on to him. Rather, it has the opposite effect of pushing him away. The desperation to hold on to a man is because you have found nothing deserving in yourself.

Many women exude confidence at first but show dependent tendencies as the relationship progresses. Being needy belittles you and makes you lose your self-esteem.

Love yourself.

If you love yourself, then you will automatically take care of yourself. Stay healthy, get enough sleep, and do what makes you happy and fulfilled. Look at all your good qualities and decide to love yourself exactly the way you're right now.

Believe in yourself, stand tall, and don't let anyone put you down or put you on a shelf. Love yourself wholeheartedly. If you don’t love yourself enough, you will not attract the level of love you want in your relationship. How you carry and treat yourself is the exact way a man will treat you.

A high-quality man can not love and value you until you love and value yourself as the amazing woman you are. 

Speak out.

When you’re hurting or going through stuff, please speak out. Don’t suppress your emotions, negative or positive. Air them out and let your partner be aware of them. Nobody is a mind reader. To have your voice heard, speak out and speak your mind.

Talk to your partner about your problems. As a team, two of you should find a solution or decide how to solve the problem together. Speak to family or close friends and seek advice when you have issues in your relationship. Don’t bottle it up or cover it up.

Don’t change him.

Never go into a relationship with someone hoping you will change his character. Don’t try to force your opinions on him regarding how he dresses, his friends, his work situation, hobbies and habits. 

If you don’t like cigarettes, don’t befriend a smoker. If you don’t like alcohol, don’t go into a relationship with a winebibber, thinking you will get him to drop the habit.

Women make that mistake a lot. They get into a relationship with a man, hoping to influence him to change. Or that loving and showing him love will make him drop his bad habit. Probably he will stop for a while just to please you, and the moment you settle into the relationship, he returns to his old ways.

If you don’t like how he is or who he is now, you shouldn’t be with him. If you choose to be with him to change his lifestyle to fit yours, you will never be happy in the long run.

Because you can’t change a grown man. It will be easier to effect changes in your life than to change another person.

Set boundaries.

You must set boundaries in your romantic relationship. It allows you to express your needs and expectations to your partner. Make sure your partner understands and respects your boundaries. 

The behaviour you allow is the behaviour that will persist. So from the onset, put your foot down and don’t accept intimidation or disrespectful attitude from your partner.

Tolerate no kind of abuse. Abuse isn’t just about the man hitting you, beating you, or yelling at you during a conflict. Abuse is also mentally and emotionally inflicted, too. Don’t allow your partner to belittle you, degrade you, or insult you. If a relationship does not make you feel happy, secure, or valued, walk away. Every woman should be able to walk away from a relationship that she feels is not healthy.

Many people will take advantage of you when you don’t enforce your boundaries. Learn when to compromise and when to stand your ground. Strive for a healthy balance of being selfless and selfish. Make decisions that align with your inner peace, that support your self-care, self-value, and self-worth.

Show appreciation.

When you appreciate someone, the person does more for you. Bear in mind that everyone wants to be appreciated by their partner. Never take your partner for granted. For every kind gesture and action, learn to say thank you. Even if he does little things like help you in the kitchen, thank him for it. When you appreciate him, he will probably do more for you in the future to keep you happy.

However, the appreciation should go both ways too. A relationship is a two-way street. Your partner should be appreciative too and never take you for granted. 

Don’t be jealous or possessive.

Possessiveness gives room for jealousy. And jealousy is a monster that gives birth to cruelty and other toxic acts in a relationship.

Understandably, every woman wants to keep her man. However, there is a fine line between wanting to keep him for yourself and being overly jealous and possessive about him. Don’t smother your partner with your jealousy. It will kill the relationship fast.

Insecurity and lack of self-confidence is mostly the root cause of overly possessive attitude. Try to be more secure with yourself, and build your self-confidence, so you don’t worry about losing a man. And even if he walks out of the relationship, you need to know that you’ll be okay and capable of taking care of yourself.

Be kind and loving.

To have a quality relationship, you must love your man consciously, kindly, compassionately, and without suspicion or distrust. To love consciously means having your eyes wide open, loving with your head and not only your heart. And be able to discern when to walk away from situations that are feeling one-sided. 

Kindness and love are enduring qualities that build up quality relationships. Love your man, show him respect, and never insult him. Be his ego booster.

Relationships are wonderful, sometimes complicated, and in some cases, difficult. As a woman, you need to be emotionally intelligent to have a quality relationship.

Court Intelligently & Enjoy Your Marriage

Some say marriage is like a groundnut; you must crack it first to see what is inside. In other words, you have to get into it to understand it. But is that what it should really be? You would agree with me that it would be horrible to crack it and see a rotten nut. Unlike groundnut that you can quickly trash, you cannot easily throw away a terrible marriage and move on.

Imagine you picked up a tomato, looked at it, felt it. If you noticed a bruise, an odour, its juices dripping, or fruit flies following it. Would you buy it? Certainly not! These are signs that show you it is spoilt inside and unlikely to make a good meal.

Imagine knowing the person that would dish out misery in marriage right during the Courtship. That’s what courting intelligently does. You can smell and identify those that are trouble.

Christ aptly said,

“Beware of false prophets who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit.” Matthew 7: 15-18.

In using the word ‘Beware’, which means ‘look out for, be careful.’ He showed it was possible to identify no-gooders. Verse 20 tells you what to look out for — their fruits. By their fruits, you will know them. The person you choose to marry is like a fruit. The person shows you what the union has in stock for you by their conduct. Do not be deceived by cosmetic appearance. If it’s not the real thing, it is not.

Osinachi was a top Nigerian gospel singer based in Abuja whose death sparked outrage on the internet as her family alleged domestic violence. In an interview with BBC Igbo, Osinachi’s twin sister, Amarachi Eze, confirmed there were signs that her husband was trouble, from the beginning. He rushed to pay her bride price without courtship. It finally manifested in the marriage.

Refuse to be stampeded or rushed into marriage. Insist on a period of courtship – an intelligent one. It’s your time to know what type of fruit you will get.

Intelligently courting leads you to a marriage you will enjoy. It enables you to identify red flags and allows you to either fix them or walk away.

My book, Before You Say I Do, reveals some dangerous signs people ignore in a potential spouse.

Imagine you are courting a man that gets angry at the slightest or no provocation. He even slapped you the other day because of a disagreement that led to an argument. But you wink at this giant red flag. You make excuses–after all; you provoked him. You let their physical attributes and or financial prowess becloud your senses.

As a woman, you may say, “Oh, this man fits the type of husband I have been praying to marry. I am over 30 years old. Why should I let a one-off slap make me lose him? Who knows if and when another will come? And after all, he even apologized,” you rationalize.

A month after the wedding, you receive your first post-marriage baptism of pounding. You suddenly begin to wonder what went wrong. You put your hands on your head and wail, “God, why did you bring this type of man to me? Why did you allow this to happen to me?” The blaming game begins. It’s now God’s fault.

Really? Please leave God out of it. He never allowed it. YOU did! Most marriages are troubled or fail because there’s no proper foundation built through intelligent courtship. Sadly, we spend years preparing for a career that costs huge sums, yet no one is trained or adequately equipped with the skills of knowing how to select a spouse before entering a union that can make or mar one for life. We often think we know. After all, are our parents not married and okay? But are they okay?

Most endure marriage because many societies frown on divorce. Though it has become like eating cardboard, they struggle to keep the façade and maintain a union that has lost its lustre. First, understand there’s a difference between dating and courtship. Dating provides an appointment to meet various personalities and determine the type that may likely suit you in marriage. Date widely before diving into courtship.

Dating leads to courtship, not marriage. Courtship is when you isolate one person to decide whether you’re compatible for a lifetime union. It is the waiting room of marriage. Date, court, engage, then marry. You are unintelligently courting if all you do is assume the role of a spouse to someone you’re yet to marry. Or your principal concern is for the person to cater to your basic needs.

Intelligent courtship starts with getting the foundation right. In Luke 6:48, Christ illustrated how digging deep and laying a foundation on the rock ensures that storms and floods can’t destroy the house because it’s well built. You, as a person, must be anchored in the belief that marriage is to be mutually enjoyed and not tolerated. You must have your no-go zones and refuse to compromise on what is fundamental to your happiness. Then, you must know yourself and what you want. “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.” Luke 14:26-27 Jesus wanted followers who knew themselves.

They had to ask themselves if they were ready to love Christ more and their families less. To die to self and care about others. To let go of their own will and trust Him no matter what. He wanted those ready to develop trust and friendship with him, those who would love him to death. To follow Him, they needed to know if they had these qualities because that would determine how smoothly the relationship would go.

They had to know themselves first. I have discovered it’s the same with courtship. To court intelligently, you have to know yourself. When you know your values, goals, aspirations, beliefs, health status, likes, and dislikes, you will know who can complement you and who to avoid! You have to know yourself, not fake yourself. It means being yourself. Being a chameleon increases the risk of getting a spouse that isn’t suitable for you. Stay true to yourself because someone is looking for such a person. You don’t have to masquerade to find true love. Rebekkah is a perfect example here.

Abraham's servant made a request to God to know the right lady to select for Issac. “I will ask one of them, ‘Please give me a drink from your jug.’ If she says, ‘Yes, have a drink, and I will water your camels, too!’—let her be the one you have selected as Isaac’s wife. This is how I will know that you have shown unfailing love to my master.” Then Rebekah came along in her usual manner, fetched water, and was walking away when Abraham’s servant quickly went to her, “Please let me drink a little water from your pitcher.”

And she said, “Drink, my lord.” After he finished drinking, she said, “I will also draw water for your camels until they have finished drinking.”

He didn’t ask, but she offered to draw water “… until they have finished drinking.” The servant had 10 camels. She saw them before she made the offer.

I learned that a thirsty camel could drink about 30 gallons at once. Multiply 30 gallons by 10 camels. 300 gallons, right? Rebekah couldn’t have carried more than 5 gallons at a time. So divide 300 by 5. If you got 60, you are correct. She made 60 trips back and forth to draw water from the well to give the 10 camels enough water to quench their thirst.

She was not faking anything to become wife material. It was who she was. She did what he was precisely looking for - without even knowing! Being yourself is vital because someone is looking for your type. Never fake it.

My husband was a young Christian when he met me. He was looking for a woman who knew the word of God. I was minding my business, contributing to a group Bible study he walked into late. I didn’t know him nor what he wanted in a wife. But immediately he heard me contributing. He knew he had met the type of person he wanted as a wife.

By the time I was later introduced to him that day, he knew he had met his wife. He knew himself and what he wanted. I wasn’t faking anything or trying to impress anyone. I was just myself! Even before he proposed to me, 19 days after we met, I knew he was the one for me. Though I had an aversion to people from his tribe due to tribal stereotypes, I knew he complemented me and had the qualities I wanted in a man. I knew he was the one I should walk the long road of marriage. Why? I knew myself. I knew what I wanted. I was real. I had gotten to know him, too. Above all, I courted intelligently.

Intelligent courtship means asking the right questions to know your potential partner in-depth for you to determine suitability. Relying on God for guidance and trusting your gut feelings when anchored on God. This is one reason I am against selecting a partner for someone. I may not be able to deal with a husband that smokes or has a child before marriage, but you may. That is why you first need to know yourself and what you want and can live happily with. And then, know the one you want to wake up every morning to see for the rest of your life.

In our Courtship Academy, you receive a digital copy of our Compatibility Workbook for Courting Couples containing practical questions you should ask your potential partner before exchanging vows. Questions touching various aspects of life. They are part of the questionnaires I developed and used in my courtship that helped cement our love and laid a solid foundation for our over thirty-four years of blissful marriage.

Incompatibility issues may not mean an outright breakup. It, however, allows you to discuss and reach a compromise. It enables you to process all necessary information to make an informed decision, including walking away. Two can only walk together if they agree (Amos 3:3).

Marriage is no experiment, nor is it a joke. It is serious business, and you should treat it as such. This is what my online Courtship Academy is all about. We show you how to know the fruits you are looking for and how to intelligently find them.

In a sex-soaked world, it appears impossible to court without having sex. But the truth is that sex isn’t a part of intelligent courting. Once it comes into the mix, it messes with your thought processes. You begin thinking with your groin, not your head, especially if, as a lady, you were disvirgined by the person.

To court intelligently, stay away from sex. Leave it for marriage with the person you have carefully selected and vetted. This is apart from the risks of sexually transmitted diseases (STD), transfer of hostile spiritual forces, pregnancy, and abortion. But it doesn’t mean you do not talk about sex. Sex is a vital part of marriage and worthy of in-depth discussion.

Finally, please ditch the old saying that love is blind. No, it isn’t. My husband says his love had big goggles, which enabled him to confirm what he wanted in a wife and go for it.

These are a few basic strategies for intelligent courting that would ultimately prepare you to enjoy your marriage. At Courtship Academy, we show you the how, and much more!

I look forward to welcoming you into this online platform where we guide singles and courting couples to wisely decode a potential partner and determine if both genuinely match.

By Christine Vidal-Wachuku (Courtship coach & Author)

Are you a placeholder in your relationship?

One of my father’s workers, Friday, once brought a woman to the house and introduced her to Chief, as his wife. Chief was sceptical and asked the woman twice if Friday was her husband, which she affirmed. Chief prayed and blessed them. Some weekends, Friday would take off to Port Harcourt to visit his wife.

This happened years back. On the first day of this year, my phone rang, and I picked it up. It was Friday after we exchanged pleasantries and a happy new year. He told me he is now in Port Harcourt and has been there for a year now.

Thinking he has finally joined his wife there, I asked about her.

“Aunty, who?”

“Your wife that stays in Port Harcourt. The one you brought home and presented to chief?”

“Oh, aunty, that woman. Na the woman wey I take hold body and enjoy myself. My wife and grown-up children dey my village.”

I was speechless.

I was in a saloon one day with two ladies. One was seeking advice. A man she had lived with for three years asked her to pack out of his house that he wouldn’t marry. His reason: she is three years older than him. According to her, the guy was aware of the difference in their ages before the commencement of the relationship. They have made plans for the future and contributed money to rent a flat since they both work and earn good salaries.

It appeared the guy wants to settle down but not with her. Probably, he has seen someone he wants to marry and wants her out of his life. Invariably, for the three years she lived with him, she was just a place-holder, someone he used to “hold body” until he meets the woman he wants to marry.

Last year, one of my friends came gushing about a guy she met. In her words, “the guy is loaded and knows how to spend money.” I was happy for her. Four months later we met, and I asked about her rich boyfriend. 

“The guy wants to take the relationship to the next level,” she told me

“When is the wedding bell going to toll?” I asked.

“I don’t want to marry him.”

“Why?” I was confused.

She sighed. “See, the bobo is good. He has a heart of gold, but…”

I waited.

“The guy ugly no be small.”

“Excuse me?”

“He is not somebody I can proudly introduce to my friends as my husband.”

“So, what have you been doing with him?”

She shrugged. “He is just my man for the moment and not a forever thing.”

That means the man is a placeholder in her life. She just wanted to catch a cruise, and enjoy the man and his money until someone she feels is better comes along.

Who is a place-holder in a relationship?

A place-holder is someone who temporarily fills or occupies a place in someone’s life.

Urbandictionary.com described a placeholder as “the person one dates, makes out with, or sleeps with while waiting or actively searching for the love of one’s life.”

Often you’re in a relationship with someone and for all intents and purposes, you believe you are partners, but unknown to you, you're just holding the place for someone because your partner plans to end things when he or she meets their true love, whether they are consciously aware of that fact or not.

You are in a relationship and it didn’t work out, probably because of certain circumstances and you ended it. This is a normal occurrence, it is not all relationships that end up in marriage. Being used as a placeholder is different. It is when you know a person is not who you wanted, but you still hold on to the relationship pending when you get someone you consider worthy to be in a relationship with. It’s painful to realise your partner doesn’t think you’re the real deal but sees you as a stand-in or a placeholder in the relationship. 

At the beginning of the relationship, your partner’s intention may not be to use you as a placeholder, but the “see finish syndrome,” may creep into the relationship and the person discovers you’re not what he/she wanted for a long-term and so you become a placeholder. This can happen to anyone. When you feel your partner is no longer relevant to you, it’s better to end the relationship rather than put the person on ‘hold’ or make him/her a bed warmer until someone “better” comes along.

Signs that you're a placeholder in your relationship. 

When the relationship is not defined.

The beginning of a relationship is always the best time to define your feelings and set boundaries. But If your partner keeps you in the dark for a long time about their feelings. If they can’t express their feelings to you, it means you’re in the relationship alone. If your role in the relationship is not clearly defined, it becomes ambiguous.

You’ve been in a relationship with a guy for a long time and he has not defined what you are to him or make it official, he tells you he loves you but asked you not to be in a big rush to announce the relationship to friends or family members. It is a sign the guy is using you as a placeholder. It means you are keeping the spot warm while he waits for the next best thing. 

Your relationship is in a closet.

Your relationship is in a closet if your partner cannot introduce you to people that are important in their life, like friends and family, even though you have been together for some time. This is so because your partner sees you as someone temporarily in their life. 

They don’t consider you as an important part of their life and wouldn’t go through the trouble of letting you into their life when they don’t think you’ll be around for long. 

 Also, if they are concealing the relationship and you have not met his close family and friends. It’s a sign the person is not serious about you or committed to you.

 In a serious and committed relationship, you should know the important people in each other's lives. But if he/she wants to appear single, they are just using you as a placeholder while they hunt for someone else. 

Inability To Make Plans With You

Some people who see their partners as placeholders can be wary of any serious discussion about the future. Someone who doesn’t consider you as the real deal wouldn’t want to make a long-term plan with you. They will always use words like, “let’s watch and see,” or “let’s take each day as it comes,” to stop you from talking about any plan with them. Don't trust such false words. It shows you’re not a priority, but a placeholder.

Even when some make plans with you and it ended up all talk and no action. It's a sign they didn’t consider you worthy to remain with them in the future. If there is no evidence they are thinking about a long term with you, this could be a sign you’re not seen as the “real deal” or the “idle person.”

You're A Rebound

When someone dates you right after they got out of a relationship, chances are they are using you as a rebound and a placeholder. However, it depends on the way your partner sees you. Some rebound relationships work out, eventually.  

However, some people feel sad or lonely when they ended a relationship, and might likely go into a new relationship right away to lessen the pain and trauma of the breakup. In such cases, if your partner sees you as a consolation package, then you’re a placeholder.

Your partner never takes the time to know the real you. 

You’re dating someone who doesn’t seem to get along with your friends, who never feel comfortable going out in public with you. It’s an indicator the person never sees the relationship as something lasting. 

A partner who cares about you and wants to have something real with you would want to know everything about you and would be interested in what makes you, you. Interested in knowing your friends and even some family members. If not, you're being used as a placeholder. Since they don’t consider you as their main choice, they wouldn’t want to get deeply involved with you. 

You are never present on their social media accounts.

As social beings, we often want to know how our partners perceive us, what we mean to them and our stand or position with them in the relationship. 

Typically, you see people write “in a relationship,” on their social media profile pages. Some go further to post the pictures of the love of their life so all their Instagram, FB, etc, friends know they are in a relationship with the person.

There are still some who wouldn’t do that. They don’t want people to know about their private life. It’s acceptable if everyone that matters to them already knows about your relationship with your partner. But if one reason your partner is not giving you an internet presence is that they still want to present themselves as available to others, then you’re a placeholder in the relationship.

Your partner doesn’t have time for you.

When a partner feels you are unnecessary or unimportant in their life, they will accord you little or no time in their daily schedule. 

If your partner is not putting energy or time into the relationship, or your role in their life is being downplayed. They only call when they need you for something, probably sex, or fill-in- dates for parties and social events. Then you’re a placeholder in the relationship.

Your partner calls you or seeks your attention when it’s convenient for them, and when they feel like it, without consideration for your needs and time, it’s a sign you’re being used as a placeholder.

If you are in a relationship and feel uncertain about whether your partner sees a future with you or you’re not feeling as connected as you’d like to be. If you are not treated as a significant part of your partner, you don’t feel you’re an essential part of their life. You don’t feel valued in your relationship. You’re a placeholder.

Your partner shies away from commitment.

If you’ve been dating your partner for a long time and each time you talk about commitment and they tell you they are not yet ready to settle down, it probably means you are not what they want or who they want to settle down with.

You’re a “tag-along” date for occasions like birthday parties, weddings, or office parties, which end in his bed. But a discussion never happens nor did he give you a concrete answer on what your relationship is or where it’s going. You are just a flavour of the moment. A placeholder and a bed warmer. Just friends with benefits. He provides the dates and you supply the sex.

However, if both of you have discussed having a long-term commitment, and it seems like they are not showing up or investing in moving the relationship to the next level, your efforts to talk about it are being ignored or swept aside. You need to re-assess the relationship. Probably you have become a placeholder and they are using you to “hold body.” 

Your partner is not paying any attention to you.

A partner who wants a serious relationship with you will want to know everything about you, will want to know how you spend your day, will listen to you and pay attention to both your said and unsaid words.

But if they rarely ask about your day, never listen to you, never remember what you tell them and aren't paying any attention to your needs. Then, you need to think twice about the relationship, for these are all signs of a partner who doesn’t care about you. When the person doesn’t show care and attention, then you’re a placeholder in the relationship.

Your partner doesn’t respect or trust you.

If your partner isn't treating you with respect, if they don’t trust you and they are not honest with you, then you're a placeholder. Respect is an important component of a committed relationship, then trust and honesty are part of love. 

A partner who loves you and wants a genuine relationship with you will respect you as a person, respect your views, your needs, and your boundaries. Respect in a relationship is important because it shows you are valued. 

The person will also trust you and be honest with you about their needs, their feelings and expectations from you and the relationship. 

When you see these flags, pay attention to them. You are not meant to be a placeholder. You are to be loved, cherished, respected, and valued in your relationship. So, it is crucial to know where you stand with your partner in your relationship. 

People who use others as placeholders are selfish and have a self-serving attitude about their partner in the relationship. They’re aware you have feelings for them and they take advantage of that to get what they want from you. Like my friend who was dating a man, she didn’t want to commit because he was ugly.