Beyond Dreams(Romance)

Tonia is a strong and independent woman who is insecure about love and commitment. She meets Duke, a young, handsome billionaire, and the siren whisper of love blows through her heart like a warm breeze. But all she wants from him is pleasure without promises, no strings, no emotional commitments.

Duke never commits to a woman. His Modus operandi is; Meet. Get in. Have fun. Get out. One night of fiery passion with Tonia and Duke is breaking some of his rules for her and will break more with gusto to get to her icy heart.

Tonia is on the run, to protect her heart, afraid if she opens her heart to Duke, she would wake up to an empty dream.

Foundations for a healthy marriage.

Every weekend and some weekdays people celebrate marriages. Every day, marriages are collapsing around us. As more people are rushing in, more people are rushing out. Marriage is going extinct, so some say and one wonders, is it the dead or dread of marriage that brings about the disintegration of the institution of marriage?

Marriage is instituted for a happily-ever-after, that is the concept, that is what every couple has in mind as they take the vows. However, the dreamy eye brides soon discover that the bed of roses they envisioned has thorns in it and the prickle soon shocks them to wakefulness. What they see and the experience becomes different from their expectation and perception. All because people go into marriage with the wrong impression.

Some people enter the “marriageship”, for unhealthy reasons. This is where the problem lies because before they finish saying I do, the marriage is already heading toward an iceberg that will shatter and sink it. It’s just a matter of time.

Before you propose or say yes, first ask yourself some relevant questions like:  

Am I ready for marriage?

Is he/she who I want to spend the rest of my life with? 

What are my beliefs about love? 

Not many people marry for happily-ever-after or marry for true love. Marriage is meant to be a lifelong partnership.

There are those who enjoy their partners- and by extension their marriage and those who endure their partners and by extension their marriage,

Whether you enjoy or endure your partner depends on the foundation on which your marriage was planted. As the saying goes. “What you sow is what you will reap.”

Did you accept the marriage proposal for the right reason or for the wrong reason?

Accepting a proposal for the wrong reasons included:

Pressure from friends and family.

Don’t ever be with someone because you’re pressured to accept the person. The only reason you should ever consider marrying the person is simply that you love being with the person. 

Often friends and family pressure you to get married because you have reached the age of getting married. Everyone is on your neck, to please them and ease the pressure you succumb to it and marry the first person that comes your way or the one recommended for you.

To live happily-ever-after, marry because you have found the right person to settle down with. Someone you feel you can share your life and personal space with.

Single and desperate.

Because you’re single and feel the time is no longer on your side, and you see yourself as a soon-to-be expired commodity, you settle for the first person that comes along. All you want is to be married, to who is of no great consequence to you. 

But the consequences of your hasty action will come eventually and make you regret the marriage. In the end, you feel your partner is not good enough, which leads to resentment and insecurity.

 As the saying goes, marry in haste and regret at leisure.

 Marrying for image or family name. 

The marriage will look good on paper, will bring business dividends, will unite the family, and the roll call of the attendees is the cream of the society. It’s everything considered good, but not because the two people involved actually love and admire each other.

Remember, it’s all in the photo, pictures that will become memorabilia, guests that will go home to their lives. 

You end up with the butt of a family scheme as a partner. This isn’t a script for a happily-ever-after but a one-way ticket to a toxic relationship in marriage. You will wake up every day to ask yourself how you ended up in such a marriage. 

Being naïve and hopelessly in love.

A marriage based on love, at first sight, has a greater risk of ending in disappointment than a marriage built on mutual respect and understanding. 

Some believe that once you’re in love it solves everything. That’s not true at all.

Being in love is a process that takes time and patience to build sensual and emotional connections. Most people never reach this deep connection in love. They get addicted to the ups and downs of romantic love, where feelings rule their life. And when the feelings run out, so do they.

Feelings end on your wedding day, the morning after, you will understand the difference between a wedding and a marriage because you’re about to get into the nitty-gritty of what marriage is all about. 

And those who get into it for the feelings alone get disappointed. The feelings generally last for a few years at most, and then you’re down from the dizzying high of romantic love. 

Once you’re married, and with time, romance goes out of love, you’re left with a human being with faults and imperfections whom you have to genuinely love and respect to enjoy living with. Otherwise, things are going to get rough.

Someone to complete you.

 

Some people get into marriage as a way to compensate for something lacking in their life. Some feel without marriage they’re incomplete. You marry and expect the person to fulfil your expectation of love and happiness. Love and happiness come from you; nobody gives you that.

Invariably, you will love your partner only as long as they help you feel better about yourself. You will give to them only as long as they give you what you want. You will make them happy only as long as they make you feel happy. This is a recipe for a bad marriage and a breeding ground for domestic abuse.

Do you want a vibrant, healthy, and happy marriage?

A healthy and happy marriage requires two healthy and happy individuals. The keyword here is “individuals.” That means two people with their own identities, their own interests and perspectives, and things they do by themselves, and on their own time and mutually acceptable to them.

“Happily Ever After” is not a piece of cake, all icing and sweetness. No! It’s work and a walk in endurance, patience, compromise, and intentionality.  You have to constantly remind yourself every day you wake up to love your partner – the good, the bad and the ugly part of them. And then, to love your life, for both go together. Remaining steadfast in your marriage is an intentional decision you make every day.

Some days, you feel like the world is at your feet. And some days it’s a struggle to keep to that vow, on such bad days, remind yourself why you love your spouse and why you’re in the marriage.

A love that’s alive and healthy is constantly evolving. It expands and contracts mellows and deepen. Just as life never remains static, so is your love for each other. It’s not going to remain the way it used to be in the beginning. 

The key to happiness in marriage is when you marry a partner whose values align with yours, whom you respect, love and accept, and vice versa. Another is sustaining a genuine connection by working through the everyday struggles and challenges to make your marriage work. 

Everything that makes a marriage “work” not just on the surface but a real deep connection between partners requires a genuine, deep and mutual affection for each other. Without that mutual affection, everything will be a walk in endurance.

Another writer puts it that, “relationships exist as waves–people need to learn how to ride them.”  

According to Jon Kabat-Zinn, “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf them.” 

There are constant waves of emotion going on in a marriage. Some waves last for hours or days, and some last for months or even years. Understand that the key to successfully surfing these waves lies the foundation of a healthy marriage. 

The only thing constant in life is change. People lose jobs, lose family members to death, couples relocate, switch careers, some make money, and some lose money. All these have both emotional and physical effects on people and how they handle them affects the dynamism of their marriage and their relationship with their spouses.

You can work and walk through any issue in your marriage, be it emotionally, physically, financially, or spiritually, as long as there is understanding and healthy communication between you and your partner. You can surf the waves together and come out stronger.

Marriages are imperfect relationships, sometimes messy and complicated. Simple because they are made up of imperfect, messy, and complicated humans. People want different things at different times in different ways, at times in ways you can’t even comprehend. Always remember you’re sharing a life with someone else, so you need to plan on how to accommodate each other’s needs and wants. 

When you have a finger on the pulse of each other’s needs, you will probably grow together in the marriage rather than grow apart.

The girl with a saucy mouth(children's book)

 

About the book

Isioma is saucy and unafraid of anything or anybody, always up to one mischief or another around the village. 

“If you are angry, excrete bees,” is her standard answer to anyone who gets angry with her. One day she said it to someone who actually excreted bees.

Chapter one

“Isiiiii... oma, Isiiiiiii…... oma oooo.”

Isioma hissed and hit the palm fruit nut on a stone slab hard with the round stone in her hand. The shell and the kernel inside shattered into pieces.

Her mother’s voice shouted her name again.

“Mtcheew! Mama should leave me alone, biko.” She put another palm nut on the stone slap and hit it. With less vigour. The shell cracked, another soft hit, the shell shattered. She picked out the kernel and added it to the growing number in her left palm.

“Isioma, is it not you mama is calling?” Chioma, her younger sister’s voice, asked from behind her.

Isioma turned and looked at her. “If I get you there, I will twist your mouth.”

“Come and twist my mouth now. Mama has been shouting your name since and you didn’t want to answer her.”

“I say get out of here.”

“You only know how to insult somebody.”

“If it is paining you, excrete bees.” Isioma eyed her and turned to continue cracking the palm fruit nuts. She would teach her a lesson later. For now, cracking enough palm kernels to use and drink garri was her primary concern.

“So, Isioma, you are in this backyard, and I have been shouting myself hoarse calling your name?”

Isioma dropped the stone in her hand and stood up. When she saw the fury in her mother’s eyes, her eyes darted around in search of an escape route 

“Mama, I told her you were calling her, and she said she will twist my mouth if I disturb her,” Chioma reported.

“Mama, I’m hungry, I’m looking for something to eat,” Isioma said mutinously. 

“The hunger blocked your ears that you didn’t hear me shouting your name. O kwn ya? Every time you are hungry and after all the food you consume in this house, you still look like a broomstick.”

Isioma stared at her mother with defiance. “Is it my fault I look like a broomstick?”

“No, it is my fault. When you expand all your energy, fighting around the village and climbing trees. How will you have flesh? Ajor nwa, bad child, I don’t know where you got your bad manners from. Go and fetch water. Let’s start making the evening meal before your father comes back from the market.”

“I have not finished cracking the palm nuts. I want to drink garri. I said I’m hungry.” Isioma twisted her face in anger.

“I said I’m hungry,” her mother mimicked. “Try my patience this afternoon and I will break your skull for real.” Her mother took a threatening step toward her, and Isioma took to her heels. 

A Few minutes later she came out of the house.  With a swollen face and a water-can held firmly in her armpit, she walked with brisk strides toward the pathway that led to the village stream. 

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Bonding with in-laws

​

I received an email from a woman who asked for advice on how to gain the love of her in-laws. Her boyfriend is planning on taking her to see his family for them to begin their marriage rites.

I appreciated the fact she asked for advice on such a sensitivity issue before taking that big step in her relationship. When you are on the threshold of becoming part of a new family, the fear of acceptance is real, especially from prospective in-laws. We always approach the unknown with trepidation. Fretting over meeting in-laws to be is agonising because you will want them not just to welcome you but to accept you as part of the family. 

Foremost, individuals differ and come with their own unique baggage. So, there is no one-size-fits-all advice on how to have a perfect relationship with the in-laws. What works for one may not work for the other, but there is always a bottom line that you can change to suit your situation.

Everyone craves acceptance, especially with people you will spend the rest of your life with. However, know that acceptance isn’t an automatic ticket you will receive on arrival. It requires time and effort to earn it. Reason? Differences. We are all born into different cultural, religious, geographic, or social backgrounds. These differences inhibit our relationships with others. These hurdles you have to overcome through interaction and friction. How you interact and handle the fall-out frictions with the in-laws is the yardstick for your acceptance or rejection in the family.

How to relate with your in-laws.

1. Talk with your partner

If you’re about to meet your in-laws for the first time, you need to be well informed on what to expect. This information you can get through your partner, who knows his family better than you. 

Your familiarization interrogations should start with him. Ask questions that will give you insights into their beliefs, attitudes and culture, if both of you are from different cultural backgrounds. You will not want to commit a cultural faux pas on your first encounter with your in-laws.

Checking with your spouse on what works and what will not work with his family is a step in the right direction. He is the best person to help alley your fear and shows you how to relate with his family. It’s better you know them before you tie the knot to understand what you’re walking into.

2. Don’t put on a show. 

Never ever put up a show just to earn their approval. These are people you will spend the rest of your life with, be open, show them your real self from the onset. This will help reduce friction and acrimony in the future. If you try to show off as something or someone you’re not, it will only cause everyone problems down the line because you cannot keep on the pretence for long. 

Also, don't remake yourself to fit into the wife mould your in-laws want for their son. Don’t accept what you can not tolerate from them. Be yourself, your real self. To allow your in-laws to use you as a foot mat is not a guarantee they will love and accept you.

Be yourself. Show them how you want to be treated.

And eventually, it will work out. Project to them who you are and not what you have.

Again, do not try to over please them and fall into trouble. Show basic courtesy, be a good human being, respect them for what they are, and be helpful to them. 

3. Listen and learn

Remember, your in-laws are an integral part of your spouse's life. Understand they have loved your spouse much longer than you. They have been there throughout his life. To worm your way into their heart, make them a crucial part of your life as well. 

Remember also, you are competing with his family for his affection and attention and he has a biological connection with them already. This is another source of friction you have to handle with wisdom because jealousy is invertible. 

Fret not, all you need to do is listen, pay attention to their words and action and you will learn how to deal with your partner’s family. Be open and ready to learn about the family dynamism and how to adjust to fit into the family. Share who you are with them, and this will help develop your relationship with them.

Do not be confrontational with them until you establish a good rapport with them, which will increase your understanding of some actions. Before then, confrontation often spoils relationships that are tender and yet to have a strong root.

4. Give it Time. 

Every relationship takes time to build. It’s a gradual process, a journey of discoveries. There will be fights and arguments, but that does not mean they don’t like you. You are different, with your own set of principles and ideology, so are they too. It will take time and effort to understand and accept another’s viewpoint with love and, since they don’t know you well yet, they would be judgmental.

 Don’t give up. Always be kind. Give it time. 

You don’t need to rush the process. To make this work, learn to give in to their opinion to lessen the friction. It will show them you care about their opinions, and you are ready to accept them as a family, too.

Every relationship is like a plant that needs special attention and care in the nurturing stage. Give your best to your partner’s family, knowing you’re in it for the long haul.

5. Understand your in-laws.

 Understanding your in-laws will give you leverage on how to relate to them in the future. If you get to know them well, you will set limits and boundaries on how to interact with them. But no matter how they are, try to show them love and respect for raising up the man you found worthy to spend your life with.

Often, you hear wives complaining, “my parents will not treat me the way my in-laws are treating me. Is it because I married their son?”

Your parents’ love comes with your birth package. But your in-laws are not your parents, so don’t expect them to love you wholly. No matter how much you desire their love and affection, don’t expect it to be the same as your parents. Though there are exceptions.

Don't expect your new family to treat you exactly the way your family treats you. Love is earned. Try as much as possible to earn their love, trust, and respect. 

6. Build a Friendship. 

Love them, show them you care. Build a friendly relationship with them and include them in your life as part of your family. Chances are, they are just as nervous about connecting with you as you are about connecting with them. 

Love them, respect them and let them know your best side. It will increase family dynamism and reduce friction if you can get along with your in-laws.

Remember, your partner is equally special to them, as your relationship with him is to you. Whatever the case may be, it is important you respect them, even if you don’t like them. Engage with them, and work towards establishing a cordial relationship with them.

As human beings, we can’t do without relationships, so learn to maintain a good relationship with your in-laws. Building relationships is difficult. Attempt to spend valuable time with your in-laws, and be kind and generous towards them. The return you get on your effort will last the rest of your married life.

7. Communication is key

Communication is a key ingredient in every successful relationship. Learn how to communicate with your in-laws. If something bothers you, address it as soon as possible to clear any misunderstanding that will arise and smear your relationship with them or your partner.

Don’t bottle up anger, it leads to resentment in the future. Resentment is poisonous. It eats away the core of a relationship. Resentment also erodes trust, reliability, affection, and commitment and replaces them with negative emotions like disappointment, bitterness, and hard feelings. 

Learn to be expressive without being insulting to your in-laws.

As a new member of the family, open communication is the only you can break barriers and insert yourself into the family.

8. Treat Them Like Family. 

Your in-laws may not be blood-related, but because of marriage, they are now extended family members. They cannot replace your parents or family, but you have become an addition to the family, work to integrate yourself into the family. It’s not always easy, but no matter what, work on your relationship with them. They will only drop their guards when they see you.

Love them and treat them like family. Remember, they are part of your spouse's life before your entrance; they come with the marriage package. Treat them like family.

Respect and common courtesy go a long to make you part of the family. Even if your spouse has parents from hell or you consider his mother as a monster in law, you owe them respect and tolerance. 

 

Understand that your partner has a bond with his parents and siblings. Try not to bring strife into their relationship. Rather, maintain a good relationship with your in-laws, and be at peace with them.

9. Drop all conceived stereotypes.

Purge yourself of the stereotypes that all mothers-in-law are monsters or that there is no pleasing an in-law, no matter what you do. Try to be open-minded, adjust your thinking and adapt to the reality of the situation you meet on the ground. Yes, there will be contestation and conflict, handle it with maturity. There are people who are genuinely difficult to please or love. It’s in their DNA. Accept that and find a way around them.

See your partner’s parents as humans, imperfect, with strengths and weaknesses, good side and bad side. Treat them as you will want your future daughter-in-law to treat you.

It may not be easy to get total acceptance from every member of your partner’s family, but try to live in harmony with them all where possible. Your effort will probably pay off in the long run.

Bleaching (poetry)

Okafor, Akin, Shehu,
Names of our ancestors,
Lugard, Usman, Richardson,
Names of terrible strangers,
Intruders through our palm frond fences,
Desecrators of African sanctity,
Destroyers of our peaceful serenity.
Our seeds spoke in their tongues,
Their words are fluent without faltering,
Our seeds can no more speak Africa,
Kofi, Diarra, Khumalo, they can’t rightly say,
Ancestors, close your ears to this,
Your eyes are already shut, am glad!
Vile deeds are done,
At home and diaspora wide.
Black souls and skins are bleached,
Thanks to cosmetic concoction,
No thanks, the gods are angry,
Our tongues, our skins are gone,
Our names are dying too,
We now bear the foreigner’s name,
Abandoned rich cultures for cheap ones,
Relinquished invaluable norms and values for folly,
Abomination, the land cry!
Our ancestors are angry,
Their faces smoke in rage,
They seek rebirth as appeasement.

Darlington.

The masquerade dance (Poetry)

Google image

They blazed into the arena, 

Routing previous bleak and gloom, 

With their spectacular apparel,

Creatively crafted with colourful raffia strands.

They embraced the gong's rhythms,

In the back and forth motion dance, 

With raffia heads pounding the dusty ground,

Back and forth to the throng's amazement. 

The metal and wooden gongs synergize,

Partnering osha, udu and kongas,

Making rhythms that lifted our hearts, 

As was the splendid dancing spirits.

The anchorman restrained them with ropes, 

Aptly checking their unpredictable rage,

As they gyrate in the kingly dance, 

With a majestic stutter and swagger. 

Offspring of Umunneoha ,

Where ebony cultures are still alive,

And our dance, the lovely export,

Which took our people far and wide. 

@Akakuru Darlington.

Resentment in Relationship

 

Prolonged victimisation of a person and their inability to express their feelings lead to suppressed emotions that fester grudge, frustration, and disappointment. These harboured negative emotions lead to anger against the person who wronged or hurt them. Resentment is an emotional reaction to accumulated negative feelings, mistreatment, or maltreatment by another person.

We can also define it as the eruption of bottled up emotions, like fear, anger and disappointment, for your partner. When such underlying feelings become overwhelming, they spilt into bitterness, hatred and disgust.

Because we harbour these feelings, they would build and are likely to explode with a trigger, probably an argument over something insignificant or a careless utterance. As it is said when you push a person to the wall, the only option is to fight back. So, resentment is a “fight-back” action, a defence against negative treatment.

 

According to Wikipedia, resentment is a complex, multilayered emotion that has been described as a mixture of disappointment, disgust, anger, and fear. Inherent in resentment is a perception of unfairness (i.e. from trivial to very serious) and is a generalized defence against unfair situations (e.g. relationships or unfavourable circumstances).

Effects of resentment on your relationship

Resentment is cancerous. It eats away the core of a relationship. It is also corrosive; over time, resentment erodes trust, reliability, affection, commitment and replaces them with negative emotions like disappointment, bitterness, and hard feelings.

Resentment is poisonous and toxic. It affects how you think about your partner and even how you interact with them.

Resentment eats through all the good parts of your relationship. When this happens, trust and love in a relationship are broken and can be irreparable or irreversible over time.

Resentment breaks the emotional connection between partners and increases misunderstanding and dissatisfaction. Instead of a mutual compromise, the couple flings insults and accusations at each other. Emotional pain, mental trauma, discontentment, and deeper resentment will follow. 

Resentment kills trust and commitment. With resentment, the level of trust between you and your partner is affected drastically. You don’t believe in your partner or rely on them. When you lack trust, your commitment to your relationship slacks. When you are getting less from your partner, you start giving less and less to the relationship.

Resentment is like a two-edged sword. It cuts both ways. It does not hurt just your partner, it also hurts you. Resentment makes you grumpy and so creates a distance between you and your spouse. Nobody enjoys being around an angry person. The anger that comes with resentment makes you lash out at people around you. When you feel resentful towards your partner, you often bark at them or make sarcastic remarks to display your anger.

Resentment can grow to be retaliatory. It could possibly lead to violence or a strong desire for revenge when it becomes hard to let go of your anger. Holding on to such negativity inflicts pain on you. Over time, it takes a toll on your mental health.

Unresolved resentment leads to higher levels of discontentment that can lead to a loss of physical intimacy between couples. You don’t feel attracted to each other anymore. If there is no more intimacy left in a marriage, the relationship is as good as dead.

The first step towards solving any problem is to accept there is a problem. Resentment in a relationship has several red flags, which you can identify if you are observant.

Here are some of the signs and symptoms to watch out for:

Anger

Frustration

Hostility 

Bitterness

Hard feelings

Uneasiness 

When these feelings become unbearable, they give rise  to some negative emotions actions such as

Constant quarrelling over issues

Feeling of neglect 

Withholding intimacy or affection.

Finding faults with each other.

Feeling of detachment from the relationship.

Withholding of sex.

What causes resentment in a relationship? 

Bitterness, indignation, irritation, pique, dissatisfaction, disgruntlement, discontentment, bad feelings, hard feelings, ill will, acrimony, rancour, animosity towards your partner for having been treating you unfairly. 

These are the things that bring about these feelings.

1. Adjustment problem

A relationship is the coming together of two individuals with different ideologies and perspectives. For them to coexist, they will need adjustments and an understanding of each other’s requirements and needs.  However, with a lack of adjustment, the tendency to hurt each other’s feelings is high. Then, there will be complaints and, over time, resentment will probably creep into the relationship.

Make sure your values, goals, and view are aligned as a couple. Make mutual compromises when necessary. Differences in core values should be addressed and discussed honestly. When you cannot do that, they become hidden sources of resentment later.

2. One-Sided Feelings

Partners are supposed to pool their efforts together to make their relationship work. In cases where one person makes all the effort, makes all the sacrifices and the other partner is lackadaisical, it can frustrate and, with time, your partner will become resentful. If you take care of your partner’s needs, and they don’t express gratitude or return the favour, you may feel you’re in a one-sided relationship, and it may cause the person to harbour resentment over time. 

Relationships can get sour when duties, responsibilities and chores are not equally shared. And if one partner is keeping a mental list of contributions, it builds resentment over time. The person will feel disappointed, frustrated or hurt at their partner’s lack of care or thoughtfulness, and over time, this can turn into anger and resentment.

3. Bearing Grudges

Nothing breeds resentment in a relationship like grudges. When a partner keeps records of ill-treatment, abusive words, or recurring mistakes. These will fester the feelings of grudges towards the other.

Thoughtless remarks and taunts hurt. Embarrassment, rudeness, and unfair treatment leave marks on the heart. No one likes to be taken for granted, unappreciated, or devalued. If your partner causes you to feel that way,  you may harbour resentment towards them. 

When your partner steps on your boundaries without apology. When your partner manipulates or forces you into doing things that go against your will. You’re likely to hold grudges against the person. 

4. Lack of appreciation.

Partners taking each other for granted in a relationship brings ill-feeling. As humans, we want to be noticed and appreciated by our partners for our efforts and kind gestures. But some do not notice the efforts their partner puts in every day to make the relationship work.

Some men don’t appreciate their wives for taking care of the children, the home and putting meals on the table for them. They felt it was the woman’s responsibility and as such sees no reason to appreciate her. This makes the woman feel disappointed and gives room for negative emotions to take up space in her heart.

Also, some women fail to appreciate their husbands for the family upkeep and instead complain about what the man had not done or try to compare their husband to their friend's husband. It makes a man feel bad and unappreciated and, over time, the accumulation of all these emotions and feelings leads to resentment. 

5. Unfulfilled Expectations and Desires

People enter a relationship with reasonable or unreasonable expectations from each other. Sometimes, these expectations and desires were never fulfilled. Promises made at the beginning of the relationship are not kept. 

Unfulfilled desires, expectations, and unkept promises cause disgruntled feelings. You may feel your partner has failed in fulfilling your desires and resent them for that.

A relationship based on lies breeds resentment with time. Disappointment over little things can add up to resentment over time. Honour your commitments: Keep the promises you made to your partner and be truthful. 

6. An uncompromising partner

If you are in a relationship with someone who seldom listens or agrees with your perspective or opinion and feels whatever he or she does or says is always correct. It can end up making the other person feel bitter or disappointed. It can eventually turn you into a resentful spouse. When someone insists that they’re right all the time, it comes across as arrogant. 

 

And when a partner tries to impose his/her views of the world onto another and excepted them to accept it without complaint, it’s a sure way to build resentment in the relationship.

How To Deal With Resentment

1. Forgive: Forgiving someone for their mistakes and letting go of the past is easier said than done. Right? But it’s natural for humans to make mistakes, so we should learn to forgive. Forgiveness is a good cure for resentment. Instead of poisoning your relationship by holding grudges, a healthy dose of forgiveness can stop the poison from spreading and can even mend some damages.

2. Apologise when necessary: when you’re in the wrong, learn to apologise. Resentment builds up because most people rarely admit their mistakes and so fail to tender apologies.

3. Articulate your feelings:

Instead of letting your problem fester in your heart, say it out, be expressive, and let your partner know where he/she has gone wrong. Communication is important in solving resentment issues.  

Resentment builds up because of misunderstandings rather than actual mistakes. It is critical to discuss your grievances with your partner before they create a major issue between the two of you. The most effective method to stop resentment is to be aware of what causes it, discuss the issue with your partner, and work to resolve it.

4. Be honest: In expressing your feelings, be honest and tell your partner how you feel. Maybe the person might feel hurt initially, but it’s better to air it out than to bottle it up. In doing that, don’t be rude or condescending. Be polite but frank. 

5. Empathise with your partner: Considering your partner’s nature and habits with understanding can spare you emotional stress. Trying to understand the person’s intent can head off resentment before it takes root.

6. Set realistic expectations and boundaries: Resentment often crops up when you put unnecessary expectations on your partners. Discuss your expectations with each other and arrive at sensible compromises. Also, setting strong health boundaries helps to stop abuses and maltreatments.

7. Keep the physical intimacy intact: physical intimacy can dissolve resentment. Sex, physical touches and affection can act as a balm to your relationship and bring you closer. The period after sexual activity when you’re both mellow can be the right moment to discuss your problems and get things resolved. 

Resentment can creep into the best of relationships. It is better nipped in the bud before it twists and kills your love. When couples learn to speak out and address issues, it will not give room for resentment to build to a devastating level of hurt, pain, and anger. Your relationship can survive when you recognize what causes resentment and work on them.  

Resolving resentment in relationships takes a lot of time, effort, and patience on the path of both partners. Remember, forgiveness, empathy, effective communication and understanding help keep resentment out of your relationship.