How To Handle Betrayal In A Relationship

 

Betrayal in a relationship is the breaking of trust through dishonesty, infidelity, or a breach of commitment. It is a painful and challenging experience that causes hurt, anger, and disappointment. Betrayal is a bitter experience that shakes the foundation of relationships and kills the ability to trust and without trust, relationships cannot function.

A relationship is a bond created out of mutual trust. We engage in some forms of relationships. It can be with friends, partners, family or intimate relationships. All these relationships are based on trust; when one breaks that trust, the other person gets shattered. Some relationships are never forever, however, when the reason for severance is betrayal, it causes emotional distress and trauma. 

Romantic relationships are one part of social acceptability which everyone craves, they give a sense of belonging. As a result, when betrayal occurs, there is a sense of loss and emotional shock that make one vulnerable to heartbreak, depression, mental disorder, and even suicide. 

Causes of Betrayal

A variety of factors, both internal and external causes betrayal in a relationship. Here are some common causes of betrayal:

High Expectations: 

High expectations and unmet needs can lead to frustration. When one or both partners feel unheard or neglected, and when their expectations or needs are not realised in the relationship, they may seek connection or fulfilment outside, resulting in betrayal.

Infidelity: 

One of the most prominent forms of betrayal is infidelity. When one partner cheats by engaging in a romantic or sexual relationship with someone else, it shatters trust. Cheating in a relationship is caused by dissatisfaction, a desire to try something/someone new, a lack of contentment or personal issues like excessive ambition, greed, lust or passion.

Emotional dissatisfaction: 

When a person feels emotionally unfulfilled in a relationship, they may seek emotional support or intimacy with someone else. Sharing deep emotional connections with someone other than your partner can lead to a breach of trust and a sense of betrayal.

Unresolved conflicts: 

Unaddressed conflicts and unresolved issues can create resentment, frustration, and emotional distance between partners. If these conflicts are not effectively addressed, one or both partners may become more vulnerable to seeking validation or emotional satisfaction elsewhere, resulting in betrayal.

Individual factors: 

Personal issues such as low self-esteem, greed, lust, unresolved past trauma, or a tendency towards impulsivity can contribute to the likelihood of betrayal. These factors can lead individuals to seek excitement or escape from their current relationship, often without considering the consequences.

External influences: 

External factors, such as peer pressure, societal expectations, or the influence of friends or family, can play a role in betrayals. Sometimes, people succumb to external temptations, and social or family pressures which encourage them to act against the values and commitments they made with their partners. 

It's important to note that while these factors can contribute to betrayal, every situation is unique, and the causes of betrayal can vary significantly from one relationship to another. Understanding and addressing these underlying causes can be crucial in rebuilding trust and healing a relationship after betrayal occurs.

How to Handle Betrayal in Relationships: 

Acknowledge what has happened: 

Do not avoid the situation. Accepting difficult conditions and the emotions that come with them will help you calm down your internal turmoil. You may feel anxiety, stress, sickness, grief and other emotions.  Air them out and do not feel ashamed. You must work out ways to help you recover from the trauma faster and get your life back on track.

Take time for self-care: 

Betrayal will make you feel hurt or angry. Allow yourself to experience and process your emotions without judgment. 

Focus on self-care and self-healing. Engage in activities that give you joy, reduce stress, and promote well-being. It can include exercise, hobbies, spending time with friends and family. Turn to others for support. Many people just shut their doors of trust and thus do not tell anyone. This attitude can cause depression and emotional stress. Talking with your family or friends is always a good option.

Open Communication: 

When ready, have an open and honest conversation with your partner about the betrayal. Share your feelings and concerns, and allow them to explain their actions. Effective communication is crucial for understanding each other's perspectives and working towards a resolution if the possibility exists.

Seek support: 

Going through betrayal is a distressing experience. Seeking support from trusted friends, family members, or even a therapist is necessary. They can provide a listening ear, offer guidance, and help you navigate the healing process.

Set boundaries: 

Rebuilding trust after betrayal requires establishing clear boundaries. Determine what is acceptable and what is not in the relationship. It may involve discussing expectations, commitments, and behaviour that both partners will abide by.

Counselling or therapy: 

Seeking professional help can be beneficial if the betrayal deeply affects your emotional well-being and the relationship. A therapist can guide you through the healing process, provide tools for communication, and facilitate the rebuilding of trust.

Rebuilding trust: 

Rebuilding trust takes time and effort from both partners. It requires consistent honesty, open communication, and a willingness to work through the pain together. Setting goals and making mutual commitments to rebuilding trust while remaining patient with the process may be helpful.

Evaluate the relationship: 

While healing from betrayal, it's essential to reflect on the relationship, assess whether it’s healthy, and if both partners are genuinely committed to making it work. Sometimes, rebuilding trust may not be possible or in the best interest of both individuals.

Handling betrayal in a relationship is a personal journey. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to it. The important thing is to prioritise your well-being, take care of yourself and make decisions that align with your values and needs.

Betrayal is a painful experience that causes the person betrayed to lose their ability to trust again. It destroys self-confidence and causes the betrayed to question their judgment in the relationship. 

Let us not lose our confidence or our ability to trust others because of some people’s behaviour. When betrayal occurs, do not feel pressured. Take time and allow yourself to think and heal, then move on. Focus on your goals, what you need and the process to achieve your goals.

Create a path to your success.

Success is not accidental. You must work and create a path for your success. Also, it is not an overnight achievement but a process that involves ideas, plans and actions.

I met this young lady, Chika, at a function and was amazed at her success as a fashion designer, and she is planning to lunch her clothing line soon. According to her, she had a passion for fashion and started designing clothes as a little girl. Her dream was to own a big fashion house and a clothing line. 

Yes, everyone has a dream, and it takes courage and determination to achieve it.  Chika didn’t just dream but backed it up with action and hard work. After completing her higher education in computer science, she decided to follow her dream but not without an action plan.

She knew starting a fashion business required a lot of effort and input. So, first, she did her research, studied the fashion industry, followed fashion blogs, and attended trade shows and networking events. She also sought advice from successful fashion designers.

With the knowledge gained, Chika created a business plan, which included a detailed marketing strategy, financial projections, and a production and distribution plan. She also identified her target audience to design her clothing line accordingly.

To fund her business, Chika applied for a business loan from a bank. She also reached out to family members. With her business plan and funding secured, Chika built her team, hired experienced designers and production managers and worked with them to create her collections. The overwhelming response to her design encouraged her to work harder. She invested in her brand's online presence by creating a website and social media accounts to showcase her designs and reach more customers.

Finally, after years of hard work, Chika is set to launch her fashion line. Her success is not accidental. She created a path for her success by 

Doing her research.

Creating a solid business plan.

Securing funding.

Building a talented team.

Investing in her brand's online presence. 

With determination and hard work, Chika turned her dream into a successful reality. She didn’t gain her success overnight or by wilful thinking but by planning and taking action. Chika’s story proves that anyone can achieve success. Identify your passion, your dream and work to bring it to reality.

Do things that will create a path to success in your chosen career.

She positions herself for success.

 

If you don’t push yourself to stand out, you remain obscure. A sister who is a science teacher in a secondary school narrates how one female student met her and said, “aunty, I like you and will want you to mentor me.” She laughed and took the girl’s word as a compliment.

However, she noticed that anytime she had a class with the students in the lab, this girl would return to tidy up the lab and always ensure the lab was neat and well arranged before going home for the day. She was touched by the girl’s gesture and created time to talk and encouraged her to study and improve her academic performance. She told the student she could rise to the top of the class if she put more effort into her study.

Months later, a medical group invited the school for a quiz competition. The science teacher selected two of her best students and added the girl as a support member as a reward for her good gesture.  While preparing the student for the quiz, the girl showed brilliance and boldness. On the day of the quiz, she picked her, and the girl considered the best science student in the school to head the team. At the quiz competition, the girl answered more of the questions correctly than the one regarded as the best student, and their school won the second position.

Overnight, the girl became a hero and a star student. She positioned herself for success, pushed herself positively, got noticed by her teacher and worked to improve academically, and became a winner. 

With strategic positioning, determination, dedication, and patience, anyone can create a path to success. Her story serves as an inspiration to all who desire success.

To be a winner: 

Position yourself for success.

Put yourself before people who would impact your life. 

Do things that would attract people to notice your talent. 

Work to improve yourself daily.

7 ways to build a healthy relationship

 Building a healthy relationship requires effort and communication from both partners. Being in a relationship is not always an all-around positive, happy feeling. It also has many adverse psychological effects, especially when you’re in the wrong relationship.

However, a relationship can also have a positive and beautiful side. When you're in a healthy relationship, it brings about a unique feeling that adds value to your existence and plays a central role in your search for happiness.

Here are some tips to help you build a strong, healthy relationship:

1. Communication: 

Open and honest communication is key to building a healthy relationship. Be willing to share your thoughts, feelings, and concerns with your partner, and encourage them to do the same. Communication should be respectful, non-judgmental, and focused on finding solutions to problems.

2. Trust: 

Trust is a crucial component of any healthy relationship. Trust your partner, and be trustworthy in return. Keep your promises, be reliable, and avoid engaging in behaviours that could damage the trust you've built.

3. Respect: 

Treat your partner with respect, even when you disagree. Respect their opinions, feelings, and boundaries, and expect the same in return.

4. Compromise: 

Relationships require compromise. Be willing to give and take, and work together to find solutions that benefit both of you.

5. Quality time: 

Spend quality time together, doing things you both enjoy. Make time for each other, and prioritize your relationship.

6. Independence: 

While spending time together is important, it's also important to maintain your own interests, hobbies, and friendships. Encourage your partner to do the same.

7. Forgiveness: 

No one is perfect, and mistakes will happen. Be willing to forgive your partner when they make a mistake, and ask for forgiveness when you make one.

Remember, building a healthy relationship takes time, effort, and commitment from both partners. By prioritising communication, trust, respect, compromise, quality time, independence, and forgiveness, you can build a strong, healthy relationship that lasts.

Transparency in relationships.

Relationships are crashing faster these days than before. We are shocked at stories flying around, the outrageous things people endure, and the unimaginable experiences they go through in each other’s hands, all for the sake of being in a committed relationship. 

If you must be in a relationship, create a toxic-free environment through transparency to enjoy the benefits of a healthy union. Most causes of mistrust and insincerity are due to a lack of transparency. When people are not outrightly sincere and forthcoming with their emotions, feelings and actions from the onset, their relationships get immersed in games and intrigues that undermine their sustainability.

Transparency in relationships is when partners willingly share feelings, fears, concerns, ideas, thoughts, hopes, ambitions, aspirations and expectations with each other. The keyword is a willingness to share and communicate openly, even when they find it uncomfortable. It also means being honest about your actions, even when you make mistakes or have disagreements. Transparency is vital to the growth of every relationship, whether romantic, friendship or professional.

The Importance of Transparency In Relationships.

Transparency builds trust and credibility, especially in romantic relationships. Being transparent about your actions, decisions, and processes can foster dependability, a feeling of believability and acceptance from your partner. And where both partners practice transparency in their communication and actions, it creates a safe environment where they can feel secure. Being transparent about your experiences, feelings, and goals can help your partner understand you better and build a stronger connection and support system for both of you. 

Honesty is an integral part of transparency, but there is a difference between the two. Honesty simply means you’re not dishonest or lying to your partner. It does not come willingly, like transparency, which requires a willingness to be open and not withhold information or thoughts from your partner to make them suspicious of your intention. Trust and transparency complement and supplement one another in a romantic relationship.

The secret to having a successful relationship is transparency, and it creates stronger bonds. For instance, being open about your feelings and intentions prevents misunderstandings and miscommunications with your partner. Transparency builds intimacy. When partners are transparent, it enhances intimacy and understanding and strengthens their emotional connections. 

Transparency in relationships shows how much you trust your partner. How transparent you are with your partner is proportionate to your trust quotient with them. Partners who trust each other feel safe enough to share things about themselves. They will share their deepest fears, secrets, darkest thoughts and feelings, knowing their partners will not judge them or their actions. If you don’t trust your partner entirely and they don’t trust you, that willingness, desire or sense of security to be open will not be there.

Benefits of transparency in a relationship

1. Emotional intimacy:

The more emotionally intimate two people are, the more likely transparency will occur. Emotional intimacy involves sharing personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

When partners build trust and non-judgmental, positive affirmation of each other, they experience a deep comforting sense of support and security. When there is a deep, intimate bond, you find it easy to share everything about your personality, the good, dark, and bad sides, with your partner.

2. Open communication:

We build healthy romantic relationships on mutual respect, trust, and open communication. When partners openly communicate with each other, it ushers in transparency, and this will strengthen the relationship. 

Trust leads to acceptance, non-judgmental behaviour, and understanding. It also reduces the potential and opportunities for miscommunication and misunderstanding.

3. Strengthens trust:

Transparency strengthens trust and reduces misconduct or suspicious attitude or behaviour in the relationship. Having a non-judgmental attitude towards your partner also strengthens confidence, builds intimacy and makes them feel secure. 

4. Spiritual intimacy:

Transparency in romantic relationships paves the way for spiritual intimacy with your partner. It creates an enabling environment for you to share everything with your partner willingly. It will include all those overwhelming or deep emotions you try to suppress and those disturbing memories or thoughts you are afraid to share with someone.

5. Kills fear of vulnerability:

It is instinctual to have one’s guard up, especially at the beginning of a relationship because of the fear of appearing vulnerable. But when you establish healthy boundaries and build trust, open communication, understanding, and respect will bring transparency. So, lowering your guard becomes possible, and the fear of vulnerability will vanish.

How to improve transparency in a romantic relationship?

Openness in relationships is necessary because the lack of transparency in a relationship can have unfavourable outcomes that may affect the sustainability of your relationship.

Building transparency in a relationship is one of the most effective ways to have a secure, supportive, healthy, and fulfilling romantic relationship.

To improve transparency in your relationship, start by building emotional intimacy with your partner. It involves sharing personal stories, discussing feelings and desires that will deepen your emotional connection.

Transparency doesn’t mean you should share everything with your partner without a filter. You don’t just blurt out anything and everything you feel or think in its raw form. Although transparency entails openness and accessible communication, how you frame the words and how you express them to your partner is important. Using discretion is essential for transparency to thrive in a relationship. 

Practical ways to cultivate transparency in a relationship:

Start by sharing feelings, ideas, and thoughts that are easy to share and try to be honest with your partner.

Work on establishing healthy boundaries with your partner from the start so that the standards for transparency become clear.

Cultivate emotional intimacy by sharing your feelings, both pleasant and unpleasant.

Remember to use discretion when you’re open and do not hide or withhold information from your partner.

Tares Oburumu(A Poet and Playwright)

Author’s Hangout with Zizi

Tares Oburumu is a poet, a cut above his contemporaries. As someone wrote of him, “Oburumu is a poet whose language stirs the senses.” Oburumu laces words into poems with passion and profound fluidity of imagination. You have to consume and digest his poetry slowly to appreciate the meaning behind his words or suffer poetic indigestion.

I have read some of his poetry chapbooks and I’m not surprised Oburumu’s manuscript, Origins of the Syma Species, won the 2022 Sillerman First Book Prize for African Poets. 

In this interview, Tares Oburumu talks about his journey to becoming a poet and bares his heart out on his travail, hardship, turbulence, frustration and fascination with water, a recurring theme in most of his poems. And also, his ordeals as a single father to a wonderful daughter.

Tell us about yourself? 

I am Tares Oburumu. I am from Bomadi Local Government Area of Delta State, a few kilometers away from Warri. I studied philosophy at the University Of Benin. 

How and when did your writing journey begin? 

I can’t tell when exactly the journey started. All I can remember, quiet vividly, is the time I was in primary school. I can’t tell the class I was, maybe three, maybe four, when I had a fierce scolding from an uncle, never to get close to his dictionary; Oxford Advanced Learners which had several missing pages, dog-eared and dusty. He said I was too young for it and not too bright either at that young age to make anything of it. 

Before then, I was fascinated with the usage of words and I couldn’t help memorizing a few to be used in daily conversations with not just my peers. To memorize them, I had to own an exercise book for the purpose of writing them down. The form they took on the notebook excited my young sensibilities at the time, so I started writing; composing a few sentences of my own out of the words I had on the pages of the notebook. 

This became a habit and it continued to have me tethered to my father’s small cupboard size library where I exposed myself to novels among other books. I read a lot of them, I can’t remember now. It was during and towards the end of my secondary school that I  began to write poems just after reading the poem “ Building The Nation” by, I think, a Ugandan poet. Nothing held me more spellbound in such times for such longer hours than poetry. Then there was Christopher Okigbo, Wole Soyinka, Gabriel Okara, John Pepper Clark and T.S Eliot. I started my idea of putting poems into book form around 2014. 

Why did you choose to write poetry?

 Poetry chose me. Looking back in my formative years and how exposed I was into books, it is more convenient to say poetry chose me. I read a lot of books, not just Literature. Not only books on Philosophy, nor science books. I was drawn in prose in a way that was more taxing in the manner I learned from it than poetry. Oftentimes, I write down a novel, like transcription, word for word in a notebook. 

If I am writing poetry today more as I do write any other genre, I think it’s because I later found poetry to be more concise on the part of poetry and laziness on my own part due to personal traumatic experiences, that I found the prose genre too long and sedentary an art. Sitting long months to get a novel done, was too taxing for me amidst the trauma. Poetry gives a sort of balance, or it’s a balancing of trauma. A kind of antidote. 

Where and how do you get ideas for your poems? 

Everything I can see and imagine. It could be a boy running down the street, a cloud forming, a personal experience which I trust more than anything else. It could be a line or word from a book. It could be smoke in the air, questions people ask; it could be anything. 

Is there any author or book that influenced you in any way either growing up or as an adult? 

Christopher Okigbo cleared a road and I had no choice than to walk on it until I learnt that I could clear a forest, make a road of it and walk my own path. He was phenomenal to my formative years. 

Tell us about the challenges in getting your first book published? 

My first book is still not published. Around 2015 before or perhaps after the birth of my daughter, Sasha, the idea of publishing a collection of poems formed most haphazardly. The idea intertwined with an obvious intention or an inner statement of some sort; to raise money to feed my daughter. 

I believed, among other things, not knowing the rigors involved, that I can publish a book and make money from it. This intention or sole responsibility towards my daughter after I lost my job with the Delta State government and the subsequent experiences of being lugged into single parenthood, after Sasha was abandoned by her mother to make my trauma more of a tragedy than a psychological evaluation of my life as a nomad, I brought the ambition of publishing a book to light. It was a collection of about two hundred poems running to about three hundred pages. With it, I approached a number of publishing firms, and it was agonizing to know that I needed about 1m (a million Naira) to publish the book. 

At that time, I was looking for a paltry sum of #50, 000 to start a business that could feed my daughter and myself. Someone asked me to divide the book into three parts without a moment’s hope of getting it published. After the excruciating task of dividing the volume, nothing came out of it. I traveled long distances, met friends and people who had the luxury, but none of them could help me. It turned out to be an odyssey; a long walk to publishing a book. That book is still unpublished as I type. 

How do you market your work? 

What avenues have you found to work best for you and has it been rewarding? I live off such markets and avenues because I couldn’t publish a book. I think one can only have a knowledge about such if one has published a book and has the privilege the market and such avenues offer. 

Your recent poetry book, Chatham House is a brilliant feast of words. What inspired the writing?

 I wanted to crowd Nigerians around the question, why vote? I was born at a time elections were annulled in this country and I have witnessed quite a good number and having studied the history, the electoral history and the electoral behavior from the postcolonial Nigeria, I personally think a democracy practiced on any electoral system in this country will not work. A change is possible, but not through the votes. There’s a lot to the Nigerian problem that we do not see, or don’t want to see. The truth is there. It can’t be sullied no matter how much denial is thrown at it. It goes beyond us as a people. 

If you look closely at the events that brought us into being even in the colonial days, you will understand the British and the powers that are Northern, or what we can call the powers of the unknown. You will understand why we are poor and why the mental state of the rich and the intelligentsia are one and the same thing. 

I wrote Chatham House for a people that do not know why they are Nigerians and will continue to be Nigerians if they do not dream of facing the truth. And it’s as I predicted in the course of writing it that Nigerians do not read and they do not understand, not even the intelligentsia, believe me. 

How long does it take you to write a poem? 

Minutes. Seconds. Sometimes a year or two. It all depends on what I want to achieve, the readers and the state of my mind. 

Do you intend to write any other genre apart from poetry? 

Essays, plays and a few novels.

What is your work schedule like when you're writing? 

I take one line at a time, one day at a time. I don’t rush things. I only trust the process. 

Did your environment and upbringing influence your writing style?

 My childhood was traumatic. I had no childhood save a few moments of being here or there with a father that was doing well at that time. My mother was all I had. My grandmother was amazing. Fishing was what we survived on. Farming too. And these became for me, a modus operandi. My poetry is just about where I come from, the people that matter and the experiences I had growing up. It’s impossible to separate me and water, being the past, the present and the future of my art. I am fascinated by origin and when I write, I seem lost in it.

How many poetry books have you written? Any favourite and why? 

I have not written any serious book. I have written six chapbooks of poems and each came as a response to national questions and about how I grew up with my mother; a single parent, who raised me in a manner I have yet to come to terms with. How can a woman of no education bring me up in such an amazing way. I could have been a local uneducated fisherman, or farmer, but my mother made sure I don’t go to bed without reading a book. 

What are the challenges you face as a poet? 

One of the funniest things I don’t understand about myself is how I have been able to read and write without a laptop, even now. By this I mean, I don’t have, I lack the basic things every writer needs to succeed. I don’t, and have no laptop, as I type. Everything that a writer should have, I lack. I have nothing. How I have survived is a miracle to me. 

Besides reading and writing, how do you relax? 

I go out with a few friends, eating and drinking a little, go home to bed. 

In your writing journey what are the most important lessons, you’ve learned?

Writing is hard. Patience is what makes good writing. 

Give us an interesting fact about the writing of your poetry books? 

I don’t sleep at nights. I finished my chapbooks of poems in a week or less than that. All the chapbooks I have written. I don’t see this as an act of genius. I needed to write them and I needed food on my table. I had to finish them in such a space of time, so they don’t get in the way of my daily bread. 

What do you consider your best accomplishment? 

The Sillerman prize for African poets, no doubt. 

What was your reaction when you were announced the winner of The Sillerman Prize for African Poets? 

I have always dreamed of being a poet. A poet with little or no recognition. I always see myself in that light. I had no expectations. No ambition. I just write. And I relish the written word I put down even if it’s not published by some ambitious journals or magazines, or publishing firms. I just write. 

Also, I am not someone who loves sending out works to be published in online journals and magazines. I don’t have the energy and money to enter my works for literary contests. Even now,  so I just write. I would have pulled down the building the night the email came in that I have won the Sillerman prize. I screamed in a way that could have ruined a few eardrums if they were that close. 

How has winning the prize impact your writing career? 

It has made me believe and accepted the fact that I can be a poet. 

What would you say is your interesting writing quirk? 

I read a lot before writing. Prior to writing anything, I pick a lot of poems, essays, or books before writing a single poem. This way, I don’t rest when I start. I’m a workaholic. 

What’s your family reaction to your writing career? 

My family doesn’t even know that I have won a prize. And even if they know, they won’t understand how important it is. They live far away from Literature or the literary world that they can’t make anything of it. 

How has being a writer helped your personal growth and where do you see yourself in the coming years with your writing?

I expect nothing. I don’t like expectations either. I will continue to write and make plans as necessary, but wherever I find myself, so long as I am teaching and writing poetry or any kind of book, I will be satisfied with my life. Writing has placed me above my wildest dreams. It has shaped me, no doubt, into a man. 

What advice will give to aspiring writers, especially in your genre? 

Don’t give up. 

Tares Oburumu's Poem

Title

Guitarist & The Audience, In A 2022 Van, Driving Through The City Cut

Into Two; On One Side Is The Body Of A Girl Burnt For The Beliefs She Once Wore

As Jewelries, On The Other Is A Time Bomb Seen As A Flower Growing Under

The Tuft Of A Flag Stained With Defeat: The Cry Of Mothers Called

The Elegies Of Beethoven. 

For Beauty

The word MERCY, I am like you,

soft as the freshwaters of Syma.

I am filled with rose

petals; brittle blessing – broken into pieces of

forbearance, then grace.

To confect, to put yourself together,

you grow into a single beet flower; the scent

is assertive, the colors – each carries honey,

each is seductive. Where can we breed the bees?

Over & over again, I sail toward my apotheosis

elfin or garden, poring the shoreline,

which the waters measure with the length my heart

can carry.

I paddle my mind away from the sea

I have known for days, too blue not to be true.

I needed a plot of sunlight & solitude to sit down &

to think, to reckon the hours till the country becomes

usable again. Yes, home is just a thought you

trump up as roof over your head; an ache

trying hard to glorify you. I sail toward my poise.

I have never been unhappy, watching you

in the split, glassy on the TV.

You spill, as color, all over the national news.

What can the small talks, possibly say?

Today, I stand in the grapevine holding on

to the emeries, where we can rebuild what has been

destroyed by hearsay.

They say you are the door I have been opening,

to enter the revolution the house keeps closing.

The things you would die for, do they believe in you?

Does God believe in Alain Borer enough for him

to believe in God?

Of sedition, there’s more to dying than the affirmatives.

In the corner of an inflammable street,

the rituals of surrender tiptoe over the tripwires.

A scope of arms spreads, briefly, within limits & loss.

I could see burnt courages, dreams shot in the heart.

A toy-car, too, in a plastic dump.

The weight of a hummingbird’s wing is heavier

in the nest than when it floats down the wind,

ascending in protest.

I am thinking, now, about my hands buttercups

rested on my lover’s thighs the night before;

long symphonies sang over the need to reinvent

the bedroom,

then the guitar: the strings come as clear as

daylights when you touch your own soul.

The music becomes Lilian Eze's mirror.

See how we preen ourselves in her notes,

vulnerable, yet outfoxing the pockmarks

added to the orchestra by way of a historical cult.

Her hairs float in us. The van has already

become an instrument. We strum the roadmap.

The traffic is sick. It is difficult to say it’s separated

from the governorate. The drive is long, & longer

is the will to reach the revolution; isn’t that word the horizon,

the image of the second coming of our lord, Jesus?

Love the little Nigerian that being a bum deals you.

& sing it as your own, says the emigrant.

What do you know about a nomad, a desert crossing robin?

Here is the city he left behind, & a sister raped by fire.

Here’s the epitaph & everything the aquarellist

says she is: beautiful, beautiful.

Even as a girl living now under a heap of blasphemed

stones.

The tweets die, too. Almost a practice. But mostly,

I wondered: how does a hand flaunting a vote

save the dead? Or a flag shot in the head?

Here she lies, six feet below the internet. Facebook allergies.

Time or apple on the wrist of a Miss can do nothing

but to be beautiful. She was infinite as the universe

on the pages of Forge Literary Magazine.

In the hands of the young Williams Blake, ticking away

in his photograph, hung above my bookshelf.

A wound always in the shape of all I have ever read.

I am the kind of inventions that would have

made him rich; ache drowned in the prints; words

intensifying the almighty love, endless in the way

the sky sings of its expanse.

In the warmth of my own silences, I walk into the center

of my mind & stare at all the wannabe poems.

I ask, do you want to be born in these hard times?

Tares Oburumu

Winner of  2022 Sillerman First Book Prize for African Poets.