Author's Hangout With Zizi
She is a woman who doesn’t beat about the bush. When it comes to relationship matters, she is blunt, direct, and succinct with words. The “no-nonsense- coach” is an apt name for the way she handles relationship issues.When I get to know her and chat with her, she is a lot more than the face she presents online. Her tenacity, doggedness and zeal are worth emulating. These attributes were glaring in her book, Breaking Barriers, the story of her life and marriage.
Did I add she is witty too? She is fun to be with and chat with. Her jokes and manner of speaking can keep you laughing for a day.
Read her posts about her life, marriage and her husband, and you will realise that marriage is sweet when you marry the right partner. Christine and her husband, Vidal-Wachuku are personifications of the word, “two hearts that beat as one.” She is on a mission to teach the younger generation how to marry right and enjoy marriage, not endure it, through her courtship academy.
She is the author of Breaking Barriers and other books on courtship and relationships.
Tell us about yourself? Your background, education and work experience.
I am Christine Vidal-Wachuku nee Jezhi, born on 2nd June 1964 in Keffi, Nigeria, to Gbagyi parents. I grew up in Kaduna but spent my holidays in Karu, Abuja–my hometown. I attended FGGC Bakori, now in Katsina State; then Ahmadu Bello University, Zaria, where I studied Law. I was called to the Nigerian Bar in 1986 and later obtained a Master’s in Law from the University of Jos, Nigeria. Much later in life, our church relocated us to Florida, in the United States, where my lawyer husband served as a full-time ordained minister. Unable to practice law in the USA, I made a midlife career change to become a Registered Nurse. I subsequently earned a bachelor’s degree from the University of Central Florida in the same field. Later, I started a master’s degree program in Nursing Education at the same university before they transferred my husband to Texas, where we now live.
I am a wife, and mother of 3 extraordinary daughters, Kpetu, Shekwonyadu, and Imani, a mother-in-law to a hard-working young man, Glenn Moore, and a grandmother to 2 fantastic boys, Awyetu and Atnadu. I am also the No-Nonsense Courtship Coach and chief facilitator of the Courtship Academy.
I enjoy learning recipes from different cultures and travelling with my heartthrob, Vidal.
Why the career shift, from a lawyer to a nurse?
I could not practice law in Florida without returning to the university for a law degree or master’s here. Besides, going back to read law, was expensive and not worth it because while volunteering at the Orange County Legal Aid, I met many American lawyers there looking for unavailable jobs. Florida has over 99,000 lawyers. I didn’t want to incur student loans and yet cannot use the degree.
But I didn’t want to wash toilets either. I researched and found out that the health profession was a guaranteed place for employment. Since I had already become a certified nursing assistant, I decided I might as well proceed to read nursing.
Because I switched from law to the sciences, I had to take some nursing prerequisites. After studying hard and long, they admitted me into the dual enrolment program for my Bachelor’s in nursing.
Dual enrolment means I was attending a college and a university at the same time. I obtained my Associate degree in nursing from the college in two years, then wrote and passed the qualifying nursing exam, NCLEX, in September 2019. Two more semesters later, I obtained my BSN–Bachelor of Nursing Science.
Later, I enrolled for a master’s in nursing education at the same university, but my husband was transferred to the great state of Texas, resulting in a hold on the program.
What inspired you to become a relationship coach?
My experiences put me on this path. While my husband, Vidal, and I were courting. If I may quote from my book, Breaking Barriers.
We discussed various issues relating to our future union over several days and weeks. What kind of marriage and home did we want? What life did we want for ourselves? When would we start a family? How many children and how would we raise them?
What would happen if they were all the same sex? What were our individual and joint goals for our marriage and home? What career path did we want? As Christians, what were our aspirations? What would be our policy towards immediate and extended family members, especially in financial assistance? What about our finances? Would we keep separate accounts or have a joint account? What was our mindset and attitude about house-help? There was hardly anything we didn’t cover. We were determined to build our home on Christian principles and values. (Chapter Six: Laying the Foundation of Our Future Home.
Asking these deep questions and giving honest answers helped to cement our love and lay the solid foundation on which our over thirty-four years of blissful marriage has thrived.
Encouraged by folks' positive reactions to these and other questions, I developed them into a Compatibility Workbook For Courting Couples and make it the bedrock on which a top-notch one-of-its-kind Courtship Academy, is founded.
Sadly, we spend years preparing for a career, yet we do not train ourselves on how to select a spouse. We blindly enter a union that can make or mar one for life.
The Academy fills this gap. It is an online platform to guide singles and courting couples through courtship—a period supposed to be used to decode a potential partner and determine if both genuinely match. Knowing the right questions to ask will lead them to unmask each other and ultimately make the crucial decision if that person is the one to spend the rest of their lives with.
I firmly believe that a life partner’s choice should never be left to chance, nor depend solely on prayer. Faith without works is dead. One should not go into marriage only to discover the partner is a total stranger is a solid motivator for me to become a courtship coach.
What is your mission and vision as a marriage/relationship coach?
My vision is to see courting couples becoming intentional during their courtship by earnestly asking each other incising questions that enable them to unravel each other to avoid the possibility of ending up in marriage with a stranger.
My mission is to equip youths to understand that choosing a spouse is not something you left to chance, society or traditional expectations, or prayer alone, but also through asking the right questions during courtship to determine compatibility and lay a solid foundation for marriage.
What are the responses to your courtship academy and your students' feedback?
Being a novel thing, it is taking time to gain traction, but it is not surprising. As new things go, it is a gradual process. However, feelers from those who have bought into the idea of investing their time and effort to have a successful marriage potentially show that it will catch on and spread like wildfire.
How did you come up with your slogan, “Your No-Nonsense Courtship Coach”?
It describes who I am as a person. I am a straight shooter, which is the approach I bring to my coaching.
Though the slogan initially made a few uncomfortable as they thought I might be unreachable, upon interacting with me, they realized what it truly meant.
What was one of the most surprising things you learned as a marriage/relationship coach?
Simply that most are absolutely unprepared for marriage!
They do not teach us about marriage as we assume that just as a newborn has a sucking instinct and can find the breast and suck, youths could get a spouse and settle into a successful marriage. We do not consider compatibility vital in choosing a partner.
My experience is that many are ignorant about who they are. They know nothing about themselves and what they want. They do not know about their values, beliefs, and what they should consider deal-breakers.
Many women, in particular, are worried about getting older without marrying. Others consider it a poverty alleviation scheme and marry to have someone cater to their needs.
Many apply the same process their parents and forefathers used and expect a different result. It is obvious those methods are not working.
Because of the above, many women become easy prey for men that don’t deserve them. They do the bidding of the men if it would get a ring on their finger and the title MRS. to their name. I am out to change this narrative.
What author or book influenced you either growing up or as an adult?
Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe. His stories had traditional settings, and I love how he narrated them. To me, he challenged stereotypes, myths, and the image of ourselves and our continent and recast them through stories-prose, poetry, essays, and books for our children. You can glean his impact on me from my book; Breaking Barriers.
What is the essential role of a relationship/ marriage coach?
As a courtship coach, I am different from a relationship/marriage coach. My niche is to catch the problem before it happens. By assisting youths in identifying potential challenges before marriage, they build a solid foundation, thus avoiding the nightmare masked in most marriages.
What do you consider your best accomplishment as a writer and a relationship/marriage coach?
Writing and publishing my book, Breaking Barriers. It led to realizing my potential as a courtship coach and ultimately birthing the Courtship Academy.
The rate of divorce is on the increase. What do you think could be the cause?
I believe most marriages fail today because when most parties were single and courting; they did not take the time to dig in and truly know who they were planning to marry by asking vital and at times tough and unpleasant questions. This is attributable to ignorance as most simply do not know the right questions to ask or what they want, as I earlier stated.
These questions and the discussions lay the foundation for a successful marriage. This is where the Academy comes in.
Our Compatibility Workbook For Courting Couples guides singles to ask the right questions that will lead them to select the right spouse based on sound knowledge of the person. It contains questions regarding one’s values, ambition, career, expectations, finances, sex, children, the place of in-laws, and many more.
When you do not address compatibility issues during courtship, there’s an increased risk of the marriage crumbling like a piece of badly baked cake. This has led to many staring at their partner a few years into their union and wondering “How did I get into this?” To worsen matters, because this generation is so impatient, divorce becomes the easiest option. Also, most go into marriage with a 50-50 perception. 50-50 proposition is all about. I will do my part. You do yours. Scorecards are kept.
Each checks the scorecards to see who is doing what. Is it 50% yet? Once the partner cannot keep their own 50, then trouble begins. Resentment starts, followed by bitterness, and the union ends in the ditch of divorce. Most do not know, but 50-50 is a half commitment to the union.
Marriage is a 100-100 proposition. You must be willing to give 100 per cent, expecting nothing from your partner. You are ready to put in your all (100%) to make it a success. No scorecards.
Each gives 100 per cent, expecting nothing from the other partner. Marriage is teamwork, with each partner contributing 100 per cent.
Having this mindset will reduce divorce rates drastically. Honest and sincere communication, which you must develop during courtship, cements the relationship.
Domestic violence is rampant these days. How do you think we would avoid it?
I firmly believe that people don’t transform into abusers. They are born of a woman and have siblings.
They are with and among us, eating, drinking, and gisting. But they are avoidable. This is one reason I wrote Before You Say I Do: Dangerous Signs People Ignore In Their Potential Spouse Before Getting into Marriage.
It is possible to recognize an abuser during courtship. They show you who they are, but people often blow past them or are ignorant that these signs constitute deal-breakers. I’m afraid that’s not right. It is essential to recognize them for what they are and resolve them before saying; I do. If not resolvable, walk away! A broken courtship is better than a broken marriage or one where you lose your life! I encourage all to get my e-book to learn more about these signs.
As a minister’s wife and marriage/relationship coach, what would you consider the best advice to the youths on marriage and relationships?
Again, I am not a marriage coach. But as a courtship coach, my advice is that youths need to invest in learning about and adequately preparing for marriage, particularly these days when domestic violence and negative narratives surrounding marriage are on the increase.
Gone are the days one says love is blind and blindly jumps into marriage. No. Love should be intentional. As my husband says, his love had big goggles.
Take a cue from Eneke-nti-oba, the bird who said because “Men have learnt to shoot without missing the mark. I have learnt to fly without perching on a twig.”
We cannot rely on our parents’ method of finding a spouse and expect to get a different result. No. It will produce the same type of marriage they had. Young people must intentionally invest in preparing for this all-important life institution.
They must learn from the mistakes of others and understudy people with solid experiences whose marriages are successful. Again, it cannot be over-emphasized that marriage, a union that can make or mar one for life, is too important to be left to chance.
If you desire something better, like Eneke-nti-oba, learn to use a different and intelligent process to lay a solid foundation. Prayer alone won’t cut it. As earlier stated, faith without works is dead. Neither would parental, pastoral choices or friend's suggestions alone do it.
How many books have you written? What are the challenges of writing and publishing them?
I have three books. Two are e-books, and 1 is a hard copy. I am currently writing a third e-book, Sex Taboos. Publishing a book is not something for the faint-hearted, and I greatly respect every author who has published a book. It is much more challenging when it is a physical copy.
When I finished writing my book, “Breaking Barriers”, I looked for a publisher who gave me a breakdown of the cost. It shocked me that the publishing cost was high and this was separate from printing costs!
"What! You mean publishing cost doesn’t include printing?" I asked. “Not at all. They are different,” was the response. Ah! Apart from publishing and printing, I have realized that the most challenging part is marketing. No one wants to write and publish a book for just themselves, family, and friends. People write because they believe they have a message to pass to a larger audience. But you must convince your intended audience that your book has a solution to their problems. Trust me, that’s not a simple thing to do.
I recently enrolled in a 30 Days Story Telling Course by Emeka Nobis to learn how to tell better stories. This is apart from his Academy, Your Book Will Sell, where I enrolled for 50k. This is a small price compared to what I stand to gain if I can sell my books. But how many are ready to invest in equipping themselves to market their books?
Give us an interesting, fun fact about your latest book, Breaking Barriers?
It has 6 languages represented: English, Gbagyi, Igbo, Hausa, Yoruba, and Pidgin English. It can also evoke various emotions: anger, joy, sadness, comfort, faith, resilience, determination, and much more.
The book is based on your personal experience in life and marriage? What inspired you to write about it?
I believe I had a unique story, and the world needed to hear it. The more I witnessed what marriage has become, the more I felt I should write my story. All I needed was the push which I finally got from A Facebook private group, ‘Gals Hangout’ created by Dr Ejiro Otive-Igbuzor.
The realization that 34 years after my own marriage, some Nigerians still frowned upon and opposed intertribal marriages further motivated me to put pen to paper. Writing this book is my pushback on the ethnic prejudices that continually divide us as a people. I hope it will disabuse and free many minds from these pervading and prevailing misconceptions.
How long did it take you to write the book?
It took several months. But I believe this was so because, as I said earlier, I first wrote it on a private Facebook group, Gals Hangout. Members consistently pushed me to write it out in the space of 10 weeks because they were eager to read, and I didn’t want to disappoint. After that, I started the more tedious part of editing and rewriting.
Your other books on relationships, are their content based on some personal experiences too? If so, can you share a brief story about their writing?
My e-books contain a few personal stories here and there. As I write a book, I look within myself to see what I can share that will benefit others and help them solve their problems practically. I remember stories that have happened to me or others that add value to the content. People learn more through relatable stories. This is why I am taking the 30 Days Story Telling Course to become better at telling stories.
How will your book's content help your readers resolve a problem or benefit them in their relationship journey?
As I stated, I use practical and relatable stories to illustrate my point. I show my readers the path I or others took to achieve tangible results. People don’t have to repeat the mistakes of others, but learn and improve on them to make their journey lighter, better, and smoother.
What is your work schedule like when you’re writing?
As you know, I am a registered nurse and I work 10 to 12-hour shifts, five days a week. While writing ‘Breaking Barriers’, I was doing 12-hour shifts. I couldn’t change my schedule, but because of the Hangout, I knew people were waiting to read the next episode, so it helped me to stay consistent. Also, being a focused and committed person, I don’t enjoy disappointing people.
First, I used the weekends to write the outline of the story I wanted to include in the book. Then I took each part and wrote all I could remember about it. Once this was done, I would go for my 12 hours, return and look at the edits my husband did, accept, reject and fine-tune them, and then post to the group before I went to bed. The time difference worsened the situation, but as you can see, I arrived at my destination.
You have written many articles on health, wealth creation, and self-improvement. Should we expect books from you on them too?
I see you have researched me. [Laughs] I have e-books I wrote on wealth creation and health. I have thought about revisiting them, but I sometimes feel I should just focus on one thing—courtship. Well, I guess time will tell.
You’re a writer, a courtship coach, a lawyer, a nurse, and a wealth creation strategist. Then a farmer, if we add your latest planting of yams in American soil. How do you coordinate and manage this multi-talented, “no-nonsense” woman?
I wonder how I juggle all these. Sometimes it’s overwhelming. I guess it’s largely because of my personality. Since I don’t practice law in America, measurable goal setting is a tool I used to tackle the many things I do. I set immediate and long-term goals for what I want to achieve.
Then I do the activities that need to be done each day to reach the immediate and ultimately the long-term goals even when inconvenient. For example, I am determined to plant yams, knowing I must water them daily. So, I wake up early in the morning to do so. If unable to do it because I am running late for work, my husband helps. He offers a lot of support.
I think because I rarely rely on motivation helps a great deal. I believe more in commitment. If something is on my schedule, I know it has to be done, so I do it whether or not I am motivated.
If you had to go back and do it all over, is there any aspect of your life/marriage you would want to change?
I would have wanted my marriage process not to have been as traumatic as it was. And I would have wished my parents understood and given their consent and blessing. Also, I would have loved my siblings, friends, and family attended my wedding. My cousin, Naomi Baba Gbefwi, a retired nurse, believed strongly that all the trauma I went through before marriage may have caused a hormonal imbalance that led to my bleeding during the first trimester of my first pregnancy. My first child was born with a congenital malformation and lived for only 2 months and 28 days. It is certainly something I would have wanted to change if I could.
