Bleaching (poetry)

Okafor, Akin, Shehu,
Names of our ancestors,
Lugard, Usman, Richardson,
Names of terrible strangers,
Intruders through our palm frond fences,
Desecrators of African sanctity,
Destroyers of our peaceful serenity.
Our seeds spoke in their tongues,
Their words are fluent without faltering,
Our seeds can no more speak Africa,
Kofi, Diarra, Khumalo, they can’t rightly say,
Ancestors, close your ears to this,
Your eyes are already shut, am glad!
Vile deeds are done,
At home and diaspora wide.
Black souls and skins are bleached,
Thanks to cosmetic concoction,
No thanks, the gods are angry,
Our tongues, our skins are gone,
Our names are dying too,
We now bear the foreigner’s name,
Abandoned rich cultures for cheap ones,
Relinquished invaluable norms and values for folly,
Abomination, the land cry!
Our ancestors are angry,
Their faces smoke in rage,
They seek rebirth as appeasement.

Darlington.

The masquerade dance (Poetry)

Google image

They blazed into the arena, 

Routing previous bleak and gloom, 

With their spectacular apparel,

Creatively crafted with colourful raffia strands.

They embraced the gong's rhythms,

In the back and forth motion dance, 

With raffia heads pounding the dusty ground,

Back and forth to the throng's amazement. 

The metal and wooden gongs synergize,

Partnering osha, udu and kongas,

Making rhythms that lifted our hearts, 

As was the splendid dancing spirits.

The anchorman restrained them with ropes, 

Aptly checking their unpredictable rage,

As they gyrate in the kingly dance, 

With a majestic stutter and swagger. 

Offspring of Umunneoha ,

Where ebony cultures are still alive,

And our dance, the lovely export,

Which took our people far and wide. 

@Akakuru Darlington.

Resentment in Relationship

 

Prolonged victimisation of a person and their inability to express their feelings lead to suppressed emotions that fester grudge, frustration, and disappointment. These harboured negative emotions lead to anger against the person who wronged or hurt them. Resentment is an emotional reaction to accumulated negative feelings, mistreatment, or maltreatment by another person.

We can also define it as the eruption of bottled up emotions, like fear, anger and disappointment, for your partner. When such underlying feelings become overwhelming, they spilt into bitterness, hatred and disgust.

Because we harbour these feelings, they would build and are likely to explode with a trigger, probably an argument over something insignificant or a careless utterance. As it is said when you push a person to the wall, the only option is to fight back. So, resentment is a “fight-back” action, a defence against negative treatment.

 

According to Wikipedia, resentment is a complex, multilayered emotion that has been described as a mixture of disappointment, disgust, anger, and fear. Inherent in resentment is a perception of unfairness (i.e. from trivial to very serious) and is a generalized defence against unfair situations (e.g. relationships or unfavourable circumstances).

Effects of resentment on your relationship

Resentment is cancerous. It eats away the core of a relationship. It is also corrosive; over time, resentment erodes trust, reliability, affection, commitment and replaces them with negative emotions like disappointment, bitterness, and hard feelings.

Resentment is poisonous and toxic. It affects how you think about your partner and even how you interact with them.

Resentment eats through all the good parts of your relationship. When this happens, trust and love in a relationship are broken and can be irreparable or irreversible over time.

Resentment breaks the emotional connection between partners and increases misunderstanding and dissatisfaction. Instead of a mutual compromise, the couple flings insults and accusations at each other. Emotional pain, mental trauma, discontentment, and deeper resentment will follow. 

Resentment kills trust and commitment. With resentment, the level of trust between you and your partner is affected drastically. You don’t believe in your partner or rely on them. When you lack trust, your commitment to your relationship slacks. When you are getting less from your partner, you start giving less and less to the relationship.

Resentment is like a two-edged sword. It cuts both ways. It does not hurt just your partner, it also hurts you. Resentment makes you grumpy and so creates a distance between you and your spouse. Nobody enjoys being around an angry person. The anger that comes with resentment makes you lash out at people around you. When you feel resentful towards your partner, you often bark at them or make sarcastic remarks to display your anger.

Resentment can grow to be retaliatory. It could possibly lead to violence or a strong desire for revenge when it becomes hard to let go of your anger. Holding on to such negativity inflicts pain on you. Over time, it takes a toll on your mental health.

Unresolved resentment leads to higher levels of discontentment that can lead to a loss of physical intimacy between couples. You don’t feel attracted to each other anymore. If there is no more intimacy left in a marriage, the relationship is as good as dead.

The first step towards solving any problem is to accept there is a problem. Resentment in a relationship has several red flags, which you can identify if you are observant.

Here are some of the signs and symptoms to watch out for:

Anger

Frustration

Hostility 

Bitterness

Hard feelings

Uneasiness 

When these feelings become unbearable, they give rise  to some negative emotions actions such as

Constant quarrelling over issues

Feeling of neglect 

Withholding intimacy or affection.

Finding faults with each other.

Feeling of detachment from the relationship.

Withholding of sex.

What causes resentment in a relationship? 

Bitterness, indignation, irritation, pique, dissatisfaction, disgruntlement, discontentment, bad feelings, hard feelings, ill will, acrimony, rancour, animosity towards your partner for having been treating you unfairly. 

These are the things that bring about these feelings.

1. Adjustment problem

A relationship is the coming together of two individuals with different ideologies and perspectives. For them to coexist, they will need adjustments and an understanding of each other’s requirements and needs.  However, with a lack of adjustment, the tendency to hurt each other’s feelings is high. Then, there will be complaints and, over time, resentment will probably creep into the relationship.

Make sure your values, goals, and view are aligned as a couple. Make mutual compromises when necessary. Differences in core values should be addressed and discussed honestly. When you cannot do that, they become hidden sources of resentment later.

2. One-Sided Feelings

Partners are supposed to pool their efforts together to make their relationship work. In cases where one person makes all the effort, makes all the sacrifices and the other partner is lackadaisical, it can frustrate and, with time, your partner will become resentful. If you take care of your partner’s needs, and they don’t express gratitude or return the favour, you may feel you’re in a one-sided relationship, and it may cause the person to harbour resentment over time. 

Relationships can get sour when duties, responsibilities and chores are not equally shared. And if one partner is keeping a mental list of contributions, it builds resentment over time. The person will feel disappointed, frustrated or hurt at their partner’s lack of care or thoughtfulness, and over time, this can turn into anger and resentment.

3. Bearing Grudges

Nothing breeds resentment in a relationship like grudges. When a partner keeps records of ill-treatment, abusive words, or recurring mistakes. These will fester the feelings of grudges towards the other.

Thoughtless remarks and taunts hurt. Embarrassment, rudeness, and unfair treatment leave marks on the heart. No one likes to be taken for granted, unappreciated, or devalued. If your partner causes you to feel that way,  you may harbour resentment towards them. 

When your partner steps on your boundaries without apology. When your partner manipulates or forces you into doing things that go against your will. You’re likely to hold grudges against the person. 

4. Lack of appreciation.

Partners taking each other for granted in a relationship brings ill-feeling. As humans, we want to be noticed and appreciated by our partners for our efforts and kind gestures. But some do not notice the efforts their partner puts in every day to make the relationship work.

Some men don’t appreciate their wives for taking care of the children, the home and putting meals on the table for them. They felt it was the woman’s responsibility and as such sees no reason to appreciate her. This makes the woman feel disappointed and gives room for negative emotions to take up space in her heart.

Also, some women fail to appreciate their husbands for the family upkeep and instead complain about what the man had not done or try to compare their husband to their friend's husband. It makes a man feel bad and unappreciated and, over time, the accumulation of all these emotions and feelings leads to resentment. 

5. Unfulfilled Expectations and Desires

People enter a relationship with reasonable or unreasonable expectations from each other. Sometimes, these expectations and desires were never fulfilled. Promises made at the beginning of the relationship are not kept. 

Unfulfilled desires, expectations, and unkept promises cause disgruntled feelings. You may feel your partner has failed in fulfilling your desires and resent them for that.

A relationship based on lies breeds resentment with time. Disappointment over little things can add up to resentment over time. Honour your commitments: Keep the promises you made to your partner and be truthful. 

6. An uncompromising partner

If you are in a relationship with someone who seldom listens or agrees with your perspective or opinion and feels whatever he or she does or says is always correct. It can end up making the other person feel bitter or disappointed. It can eventually turn you into a resentful spouse. When someone insists that they’re right all the time, it comes across as arrogant. 

 

And when a partner tries to impose his/her views of the world onto another and excepted them to accept it without complaint, it’s a sure way to build resentment in the relationship.

How To Deal With Resentment

1. Forgive: Forgiving someone for their mistakes and letting go of the past is easier said than done. Right? But it’s natural for humans to make mistakes, so we should learn to forgive. Forgiveness is a good cure for resentment. Instead of poisoning your relationship by holding grudges, a healthy dose of forgiveness can stop the poison from spreading and can even mend some damages.

2. Apologise when necessary: when you’re in the wrong, learn to apologise. Resentment builds up because most people rarely admit their mistakes and so fail to tender apologies.

3. Articulate your feelings:

Instead of letting your problem fester in your heart, say it out, be expressive, and let your partner know where he/she has gone wrong. Communication is important in solving resentment issues.  

Resentment builds up because of misunderstandings rather than actual mistakes. It is critical to discuss your grievances with your partner before they create a major issue between the two of you. The most effective method to stop resentment is to be aware of what causes it, discuss the issue with your partner, and work to resolve it.

4. Be honest: In expressing your feelings, be honest and tell your partner how you feel. Maybe the person might feel hurt initially, but it’s better to air it out than to bottle it up. In doing that, don’t be rude or condescending. Be polite but frank. 

5. Empathise with your partner: Considering your partner’s nature and habits with understanding can spare you emotional stress. Trying to understand the person’s intent can head off resentment before it takes root.

6. Set realistic expectations and boundaries: Resentment often crops up when you put unnecessary expectations on your partners. Discuss your expectations with each other and arrive at sensible compromises. Also, setting strong health boundaries helps to stop abuses and maltreatments.

7. Keep the physical intimacy intact: physical intimacy can dissolve resentment. Sex, physical touches and affection can act as a balm to your relationship and bring you closer. The period after sexual activity when you’re both mellow can be the right moment to discuss your problems and get things resolved. 

Resentment can creep into the best of relationships. It is better nipped in the bud before it twists and kills your love. When couples learn to speak out and address issues, it will not give room for resentment to build to a devastating level of hurt, pain, and anger. Your relationship can survive when you recognize what causes resentment and work on them.  

Resolving resentment in relationships takes a lot of time, effort, and patience on the path of both partners. Remember, forgiveness, empathy, effective communication and understanding help keep resentment out of your relationship.

A SONG FOR WOMANHOOD

I stand on the stage of life, poised to sing a song for womanhood, the crest of creation, for God created her last, not as an afterthought, but as one to be cherished, like the last born of a family.

Like a painter, I see a blank canvas and the portrait yearning to burst into existence, as I sing this melody, a fitting tribute to the female gender. And I dare to ask, ‘From which angle shall the song begin?’

Shall I serenade the one who learns at the start of her life to crawl on the sandy soils of the land where she dwells, decked in her baby attires, while she gazes at maturity and learns the recipes of her local dishes, which she puts to good use?

I see her, this woman of worth, through the eyes of my creative mind. She cultivates at her grandfather’s feet, the customs of the land, on her mother’s knee the secret of winning her husband’s love and from Dad’s wisdom bank comes the courage to rule her world. She shuns illiteracy, discovering and basking in the highest form of knowledge.

She is the godly woman, fitted with a life of purpose, power and purity, armed with a reluctance to hide under the benevolence of others. This woman is not fit for use as an artifact to beautify the walls of a home, with no visible impact; not just a baby machine, programmed to procreate till her glands yell in dissatisfaction. Oh yes, she awaits the arrival of the valiant knight on a white horse, yet she does not sit still in his palace of plenty surrounded by luxury, awaiting the grey hairs and bowing meekly, waiting for death. No! She shuns such a dreary existence. Womanhood is celebrated in places where the godly woman resides. One who is a symbol of virtue; a woman active in mind, alert in comprehension and resourceful in homely duties. This woman is a fountain of intelligence, reflecting good judgment and sound thought, energetic and full of fruitful activity.

Through the artist’s canvas, I see a regal woman with the gait of a queen, perfect of stature, for divinity gave her exquisite finish. An innovative woman, filled with ideas of intellectual strength and a knack for turning old to new. Articulate of speech is this woman, communicating with boldness, releasing the products of a sound mind, drenched in wisdom and exulting in the law of kindness, original and natural.

I think of motherhood as synonymous with this woman of grace and beauty. Like a fruitful vine by the sides of her marital home, she brings to life godly seeds, nurtured to conquer kingdoms. To God whom she owes reverence, she gives accountability, then to her husband, head, lover and friend, to whom she has a responsibility to tend, respect and submit and who adorns her with praises, love and honour unlimited. And to other authority, she is subject to, giving full obedience. Nurturing the potentials she calls from her storehouse of creative treasures, she produces excellent fruits and makes a mark on mankind.

As the footprints of my song fade, I stand fulfilled, examining the perfect portrait that now graces the artist’s canvas. I pray to see her, this great woman, parade portals of distinction in this present world. She is the woman worthy of emulation, for the creator formed the man, said, ‘I can do better,’ and created her, lovely woman of grace. I see her stand tall and confident, proudly human, proudly woman.

© Ify Omeni - The Tale Weaver

How to Avoid Abusive Relationship

 

A reader inbox me and asked me to do a detailed article on how to avoid abusive relationships. Though single, she is getting scared of the rising tide of abuses in marriages. She didn’t want to be a victim and wanted to know how to avoid toxic people in her relationship.

I agree with her. To be forewarned is to be forearmed. Before getting into a relationship, it is wise to know how to tell if you are getting involved with someone who will abuse you.

Abuses in relationships come in many ways: physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, economic, and psychological. 

Why are some people abusive in their relationships? The answer is power, control, dominance, and submission.

One partner wants to influence or control the other partner and when they couldn't achieve that, they get resentful, and being abusive is the only way to unleash these emotions. They use coercion, manipulation, or force to get what they want. Though it is more common for women to be the victims of relationship abuse, men also experience abuse in relationships too.

Below are hints on how to dictate and avoid abusive people. 

Take your time: 

If you meet someone you are interested in, take your time. Allow yourself to get to know the person before you decide the direction of the relationship.

 

Before you jump in, figure out if this is what you want, and figure out if this is leading where you think it’s leading. If it is, then take time out to study and understand the person. Is he/she what you want in a partner?

Don’t allow yourself to be pushed too fast or coerced into a hasty decision. Take things slowly, take time to think and assess the person. 

You don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is going to be pushy, jealous, or possessive. You want someone who will respect your boundaries, value you the way you are and loves you for real.

Most women, when they fall in love, become blind and will put up with anything. Especially those that need to get married desperately for one reason or the other. They succumb to a whirlwind romance, become engaged, live together with the man and then end up in regret afterwards.

If you walk carefully and take your time to get to know the person and are honest with yourself, you will not fall into the hand of an abuser. 

Avoid quick physical involvement.

Don’t sleep together, don’t move in, and start being a couple. Don’t get emotionally attached before you have time to figure out the person. 

I ran into an old friend recently; we got talking, she just fled from her marriage due to domestic abuse from her husband. 

I asked if she didn’t see the red flag while courting the man? She did, but pregnancy happened and she married him hoping marriage would change him, but he got worse after they were married. After five years of insult, embarrassment, and brutality, she left with three kids. The trauma left her emotionally and mentally damaged. She is in therapy now.

That is the danger of getting physical so early in a relationship. Only get physical when you’re sure the man is the real deal. Getting physical at the beginning of a relationship muddles a woman’s thinking. When you fall in love, make sure you land into the relationship with both feet. Don’t tumble into it, heart first.

Listen to Your Intuition

Listen to your intuition, not to your friends or relations, but to the message that comes from within you. Neither your parents nor your friends or relatives know the person better than you do.  You are in a better position to decide what's best for you than those around you. 

What does your intuition tell you about the person you are dating or living with? If your gut feeling is telling you, something is not right about the man or the relationship. Have a rethink.

 

Let your intuition be your guide. If you have nagging feelings about any aspects of the person or the relationship, understand your hunches or get out. Listen to that still, small voice inside you. When you put that voice first, above any voice in your head, you can’t go wrong.

If you have doubts, anxiety, persistent nagging thoughts, suspicion, apprehension or hesitation about going into the relationship or continuing with the person, listen to your intuition and act on it. 

Pay attention to his/her words or remarks

Don’t play blind and deaf. Observe the person’s actions and words. Pay attention to remarks and comments and how the person speaks to you. If their words are subtly insulting, belittling, humiliating, disrespectful, or intimidating, then beware, that’s verbal abuse. When your partner makes insulting remarks about you in public and embarrasses you in front of your family or friends, that is verbal abuse.

Verbal abuse is any kind of demeaning, degrading, insulting comments or remarks from your partner that hurts you. If your partner calls you lazy, stupid or senseless, probably under the guise of a joke and laughs it off and you feel hurt about it, that is abuse.

If the person can accept the same comments from you without getting offended, then fine. But if the person cannot take the same joke from you, then it’s a red flag. Beware.

Mr Nice and Charming is not always Mr Good

Meeting a charming and handsome man doesn’t mean you have met a good man. The man may be gentle, kind, and probably attentive, but behind all these good attributes, may lie a baser side hard to detect in the beginning. Be cautious and observant. Do not allow his gentle attitude to disarm you. 

Often we meet a guy or a gal and get carried away with their external fineness, and surface appeal and forget to take cognizant notice of other aspects of them. This mentality makes us ignore all the warnings and glaring signs that will help us avoid a toxic relationship. 

Do not jump to conclusions about if he is the one. But take one step at a time. This way, you will be far less likely to get into an abusive relationship.

Though the man is kind towards you in the beginning, don’t let down your guard. Watch how he interacts with those around him. That will give you an inkling of the person he is.

Watch how the person treats others. Abusive people are often very self-absorbed, unkind, or disrespectful to others, especially those they consider to be beneath them. How they treat others is a warning sign that they will eventually treat you the same.

Jealousy 

Jealousy can be flattering at the beginning of a relationship because it will appear like the other person cares so much about you and can’t bear to let anyone else be interested in you. However, jealousy, when in excess, differs from caring and has nothing to do with love. It is a sign of insecurity, possessiveness, and a lack of trust.

Excessive jealousy is a common character trait of an abusive person. If you’re in a relationship and your partner is jealous, it is a warning sign he/she is possessive, which is not healthy in the long run. If you are serious about a person who is excessively jealous, you better set boundaries from the beginning of the relationship.

If your partner resents the time you spend with your family or friends or questions you about the people you talk with or accuses you of flirting when he sees you with other men, watch out because that is a sign of possessiveness.

If your partner frequently calls to check on you, to find out where you are, who is with you and what you are doing? Don’t see this as a sign of love or care, but as a sign of jealousy.

Low self-esteem 

People with low self-esteem are always hypersensitive. They are quick to lose their tempers and react aggressively to normal criticism or commentary. A lot of abusers have low self-esteem and see any kind of critique as a threat. But they are quick to criticise and insult others.

If you feel sad, hurt, humiliated, or frustrated with your partner’s words or actions, this is a sign you are not in a healthy relationship. 

Also, if your partner uses outdated gender roles to keep you subservient, he or she may be an abusive person.

When a man uses an implied gender role to make you obey his orders, or subjugate you to a certain treatment, he is an abuser. Many male abusers see women as being inferior to men and use this philosophy as an excuse to batter or abuse them.

Some, because of their low self-esteem, try to keep their partners under them because they feel threatened by the lifestyles of their partners. A person with low self-esteem has feelings of inadequacy about him/herself and feelings of insecurity about their partners. 

 

Authoritative Behaviour

Authoritativeness and controlling character traits are other signs of an abusive person. 

If your partner becomes angry when you do not take his or her advice. If he attempts to control your movement, your life or your finances, or make personal decisions for you. You may be in an abusive relationship. 

A partner who is controlling undermines your integrity and shows a lack of respect for you. Men who are controlling are more likely to become physically abusive.

In one group I belonged to on Facebook, a lady wrote her sister died giving birth without revealing the father of the child. The responsibility of taking care of the child, a baby girl, fell on her. For eight years she took care of the girl as a daughter, sent her to the best private school in her area and made sure she dresses well and nicely. Then a man came into her life and proposed to marry her, but with conditions. He complained she buys expensive clothes for the girl. To please him, she went for cheaper clothes for the girl. Next, he asked her to withdraw the girl from the private school she attends and put her in a public school. She did. Last, the guy said he would not allow the girl into his home when he marries her. He told the lady to give up the girl for adoption or send her to someone who would take her in as a housemaid. She is frantically looking for who will take the girl off her hand. 

At the end of her post, she said no one should blame her or advise her otherwise. She is 37 years old and desperately needs to get married and the guy is the only one who is serious about marrying her.

This has the stamp of a toxic relationship, but she is too blind to see it. Probably, she is seeing the man’s behaviour as an act of concern for her. He has not yet married her but is controlling her life and she is allowing it. It will get to a point where the man controls what she wears, where she goes, and who she spends time with.

Isolating Behaviour

If your partner isolates you from your friends and family, forbids you to see other people or expresses anger when you spend time with friends on your own. It’s a sure sign of an abusive partner. Isolation is often the first step an abusive person uses to segregate their partners from social interaction with others.

A jealous and controlling person may often try to undermine family or friends with veiled concern for you. An abuser sees a close-knit family or friends as potential enemies and threats to his or her way of life. 

Some abusers even stop their partners from attending school or work, isolating them further from others and increasing their dependence on them for companionship and social acceptance.

Mood swing

Explosive anger and constant irritability are both warning signs of an emotionally unhealthy person. Mood swing is a form of emotional instability often caused by mental or behavioural disorders that trigger abusive tendencies in a person. Most abusers experience frequent mood changes, that’s why they have multiple personalities. Abusers are prone to explosions of rage when least expected, some days they will react differently to the same situation, it all depends on their mood at the time. Someone with such frequent mood changes and explosive character traits is unpredictable and so very hard to trust.

If you walk on eggshells around your partner, or constantly watch your words or actions around the person to avoid mood triggers, then you are in an unhealthy relationship.

Shifting blame.

Abusive people don’t accept responsibility for their actions. They rather blame others for their feelings and actions they commit. They shift the blame for the consequences of their action to others. “You made me angry. That's why I beat you.” Some will say, “You refuse to take my instruction, that’s why I’m mad at you.” It becomes the fault of the person they have abused. They make the person feel guilty and responsible for their words or actions.

If your partner refuses to accept responsibility for the mistakes they make in their lives and constantly blames others for his or her problems, the person has an abusive trait.

Abusers typically blame others, especially their partners, for almost anything that goes wrong in their lives.

Someone is always doing them wrong or out to get them, his/her wicked uncle, his/her village people, not the bad choices or mistakes they made. They will never accept it was their fault and will always insist they were right.

Unhealthy perfectionism. 

People with unrealistic expectations from others. People who want things to be done in a certain way or who want their partners to conform to their particular standards. Such people are toxic, you will never please them. They are always unreasonably angry over minor difficulties or challenges in their life and are not open to changes.

They are not flexible and when their partners do not meet their unrealistic expectations, they may become explosive, resentful, angry, and abusive. Though not everyone with perfectionist tendencies is an abuser, however, when it becomes extreme, it becomes toxic.  

A friend of mine on his Facebook wall posted this advice for ladies. I find it succinctly.

"Single girls, read these statements carefully and very well." 

1. Change your number after marriage.

2. Quit your job after marriage to take care of the kids.

3.  Stop keeping friends, no visitors, including family members after marriage.

You see these three statements, once you hear any of them or what loosely sounds like any of them from a man you are dating, no matter what stage the relationship is, even if you are getting married tomorrow, END IT!!!

These are the biggest red flags you can ever get in a relationship in Nigeria today. And it will not end well. They are a typical example of what you expect from a textbook narcissist. Like I said before, it will definitely end in tears. 

I’m just revealing this secret to you. 80% of single ladies that will read this will still go ahead to make the same mistake thinking, “he loves me,” while forgetting that me that is telling you this is also a man that knows how men reason more than you know.” 

Ifeanyi Omeni, The Tale Weaver and A.C.E professional

Author's Hangout With Zizi

What piqued my interest in her was her doggedness as a writer. I followed her through many groups' writing contests and watched her emerge at the top. She knows her worth and place as a writer and never shies away from boldly staking her talents with ease and enthusiasm that showcases her love for the written words.

Ifeanyi Omeni is a multi-talented and prolific creative writer, book editor and motivational writer/speaker, as well as a Christian writer too. She has birthed many interesting and educating books, both fiction and non-fiction, in her fifteen years writing career.

She is indeed a tale weaver, reading any of her books, gets you hooked into reading others.

Tell us about yourself.

My name is Ify Omeni, also known as the Tale Weaver and ACE(Author, Communication coach and Editor) professional. I’m a graduate of English and Literature from the University of Benin and a holder of a master’s degree in Media and Communication from Pan-Atlantic University in Lagos.

How did you become a creative writer or did writing come to you?

I have been writing since primary school. I used to rewrite every story I read in a storybook. Then I began to write animal stories and my own imaginative stories about young children. I progressed from there to writing adult stories. 

Is there any author or book that influenced you either growing up or as an adult?

There are several authors that influenced me. Zulu Sofola made me love playwriting. I read her plays, King Emene and Wedlock of the Gods and Wole Soyinka’s The Lion and the Jewel, and began to write plays. During my university days, I was taught by two lecturers - Professor Egudu and Professor Yesufu, who made poetry develop wings and fly. Poetry came alive as they taught. Creativity exploded within me. I composed some poems under their tutelage. Wole Soyinka and JP Clark also made me love poetry. Years later, I met someone, Ben Ijeoma Adigwe, whose poetry made me revise my poetic pieces. Chimamanda Adichie and Chinua Achebe influenced my prose writing, while Francine Rivers and Karen Kingsbury made me discover my love for Christian Fiction and become a Christian Fiction Writer.

Did your environment & upbringing colour your writing? 

My upbringing did not colour my writing. My parents did not encourage me to write. Most parents of the era I grew up, were more interested in their children studying professional courses like Law, Accountancy, Medicine and others, so talents like writing were seen as a distraction. 

As for my environment. Maybe the few authors I have mentioned made me delve into the world of writing.

What is your writing process(es) like? 

My preferred place of writing is my library, seated in front of my laptop. And my preferred time is late at night, usually from 1 p.m to the early hours of the morning. My inspiration is at its peak, at these times. Like the scriptures state in Psalm 19:2, ‘Day unto day uttereth speech and night unto night showeth knowledge.’ I believe there’s something about the night season that oils creativity.

You write different genres, what’s the secret of your versatility as a writer? How did you choose the genre to write?

I don’t know the secret. I think my being able to write different genres is a divine gift. I just discovered that I’m interested in several genres and can write in those areas.

What inspired you to write motivational/Christian books?

I’ve been a Christian almost all my life, and this has made me interested in that area of life. I read books by Bishop David Oyedepo and began to write my own Christian books, which I call Christian literature. Years after, a friend gave me books by Francine Rivers and I got interested in that genre. Then I discovered Karen Kingsbury’s creative spread and dived into the world of Christian Fiction writing.

How do you gather information and ideas for your books?

For my non-fiction books, I get information from the Internet, other books, discussions with people and stories I hear.

For my fiction books, I get divine ideas that are dropped in my spirit. I get inspired through books I read, watching television and films, stories I hear and discussions I engage in. It got to a point that people were scared of discussing with me because I can turn practically anything into a story. That’s why I’m called The Tale Weaver. Because I can weave a tale at the drop of a hat.

You are a graduate of English and Literature. How did you get into banking before retracing your step back to the literary world?

I guess it was the desire for survival that pulled me into the world of banking. I tried to turn an idea into a business venture and when it didn’t work; I took up an offer for a job in the bank, rather than become a financial burden on anyone.

What were the challenges in writing and publishing your first book while still working in the bank?

I didn’t have any challenges. I had already written the book before I became a banker. All I had to do was create the time to edit and prepare it for publication.

Do you consider any genre more difficult to write than the other? 

Yes! I find fiction more difficult to write. For non-fiction, the writer gathers materials together and a book is born. But fiction is spun from the imagination, which makes it more taxing to create. There is also that need to ensure the story makes sense, so the writer has to put in intrigue, suspense and other elements that will keep the reader engaged till the last page.

God has given me the creative ability to write novels, short stories, poems, creative essays, songs, screenplays, drama, documentaries, memoirs/biographies/autobiographies, operas, proverbs & wisdom verses, children’s fiction, teenage fiction, Christian literature, motivational books and textbooks.

How many books have you written? Which is your favourite?

I have written eight books. Pearls are not For Pigs and Footprints of Note are motivational books, Letter to Thilda, Wind of Change and Song at Sunrise are novels, The Ship of Dreams is a memoir, Tales of Our Time Volume One is my first collection of short stories and Spring of Life Book One is my first collection of articles which I call creative essays. 
Do I have a favourite? Not exactly. I love all of them but prefer my fiction books.

How do you promote your books and are they yielding dividends?

I do the book promotions mainly on Facebook. I advertise my books and post my write-ups on my Facebook Timeline. I take part in writing contests and spread my writing on various Facebook groups, both those created by Nigerians and by foreigners, to create an awareness of my writing skills. I also pay for special adverts on Okada Books, to give the books I have published on the platform more visibility. 

Dividends are trickling in. I still have not discovered my tribe of readers, who will buy whatever I write, but I refuse to let low patronage of my books discourage me. I will keep writing until Jesus comes.

What do you consider your best accomplishment as a writer and a writing coach?

As a writer, being able to release the writing gift God gave me, to bless a waiting world. 

As a writing coach, mentoring people to become better writers. I teach adults and children how to write, for a fee. I also look through manuscripts of upcoming writers who reach out to me and show them how to write better, without charging a dime.

Give us an interesting, fun fact about the writing of any of your books.

Writing The Ship of Dreams was a lot of fun. I went on a boat cruise and started out by writing a report of the trip, which was a dream voyage. What started as a report turned into a book and I soon had my first memoir in my hands. That book made my dreams come true and I believe that people who read it will walk into their cherished dreams.

What were your aims of setting up Touch of Gold Media? And so far, have you achieved it?

Touch of Gold Media is my dream company. I set it up to fulfil my writing dream of polishing my many manuscripts, to create the next generation of writers by teaching upcoming writers the rudiments of English grammar and writing, and to ensure that writers produce error-free manuscripts, through my proofreading and editing services.

I have achieved it to some extent, but there is still room for improvement.

What impact has your company made in the literary world?

I have helped several writers fulfil their dreams of being authors through my book-editing services. I partnered with a company, Poise Nigeria, to train lots of young graduates and professionals in English Grammar and writing. 

As a writing coach, who coaches people on how to write, are writers made or born?

I believe writers are both made and born. For me, I was born a writer. I started writing as early as the time when I could hold a pen. Writers are made by the people who coach them. People have testified about how my coaching made them skilled writers. 

I have also met people who studied the writing styles of others and taught themselves how to write.

You’re referred to yourself as A.C.E professional. (Author. Communication coach. Editor) besides being the C.E.O of a company, a poet, and a public speaker. How do you juggle these responsibilities? 

I have learnt how to organize my time. I believe people can accomplish what they want if they create time for it. In the year 2015, I gave myself a target to finish four novels whose ideas were swimming in my head. I set an alarm for one hour every day and before I knew it, I finished all four within that year. Two have been published, one is in the final stages of publication and I will publish the other next year. I did the same when my workload became almost overwhelming. I found myself in a situation where I was helping people publish their books, while my book ideas were gathering dust. I took a swift decision. I work better in the early hours of the morning, so I chose the early hours of Saturday, Sunday and Monday and settled down to type manuscripts on my laptop. The volume of stories I churned out when I created this schedule stunned me. I tell people who want to write, to create schedules or timetables. It works wonders.

What advice will you give to aspiring writers, especially those who would want to toe your footsteps?

I will tell aspiring writers to go for training, to become better writers and utilise the services of editors, who will help them produce error-free manuscripts. I am saddened by the level of mediocrity around because many people are not ready to take time to produce well-written and professionally edited books.

I will tell aspiring writers not to give up. The publishing landscape in Nigeria especially can be discouraging. Lots of writers have told me they want to stop writing because of lack of patronage, but I always encourage them to hold on. No one achieved anything by giving up. 

What is your assessment of the Nigerian creative landscape today, compared to years ago?

I think the reading culture has dwindled, but this era has the advantage of e-books that the previous generations did not have. People say Nigerians don’t read, but I think that statement is too absolute. There is a generation of Nigerians who feel uncomfortable till they have read a book. The growth of Okada Books and Bambooks is proof that some Nigerians read. Though not as much as they used to, but I believe the reading culture will keep getting better.

What are your other interests outside literature and writing? How do you relax?

I read books and watch television/films. I attend events like class reunions, music concerts, church programmes, weddings, book club events & book presentations, birthday parties and the likes. I love travelling and shopping. 

What feedback do you receive from your readers about your books?

The feedback is always encouraging. The words encourage me to keep writing. I once received negative feedback about a book I wrote, and I still took the advice of the person, even though it was from a place of spite. I believe one can learn a lesson from anything and anyone.

How and where can readers learn more about your books?

Five of my books, Pearls are not For Pigs, Letter to Thilda, Footprints of Note, Wind of Change and Song at Sunrise, are in hard copy format. People can get copies by emailing ifysbooks@gmail.com. Though Pearls are not For Pigs is out of print. The other three, The Ship of Dreams, Tales of Our Time Volume One and Spring of Life Book One, are in e-book format, available on Okada Books and Amazon. Wind of Change and Song at Sunrise are also in soft copy format and are available on Okada Books and Amazon.  

Looking back these fifteen years, what are the setbacks and challenges of being a writer?

On 9th December 2021, was exactly 15 years I published my first book, Pearls are not For Pigs. It was a nostalgic journey, looking back at all the steps I took to become a writer. I look back and have no regrets that I chose the writer’s path. The path has been littered with thorns and there were times I thought of giving up, but I persisted and will continue to persist.

There are many challenges to being a writer, especially in Nigeria. I refer to Nigeria because that is where I live and where the people I’m familiar with also live. One challenge is the funds to publish books. Lots of writers have to self-publish their works because, sadly, most traditional publishers are not eager to take on new writers. It costs a fortune to publish a book in Nigeria, with the cost of printing, because of too much reliance on importation. The cost of organising a book launch to create visibility for a book is also a challenge. Few can afford it.

Thankfully, there is the e-book variant, where people publish on platforms like Okada Books, Bambooks and Amazon, which is cheaper, but the writer still needs money to pay for the ISBN, cover design and e-book formatting. An average cover design that will appeal to the readers(because people have become very visual these days, especially when dealing with authors they don’t know. They usually have to like what they see, before they buy) is N30000, which is costly for most people. 

Another challenge which to me is major is patronage. It’s frustrating to finish writing a book(sometimes I have stayed awake till past 5 a.m with my joints and fingers aching, to finish a manuscript) and no one will buy. People typically ‘look at faces’ when purchasing books, so no matter how excellent your book is, if they don’t consider you an influencer or none of the people they regard as influencers recommend your book, they will not buy. You can advertise on Facebook, do book launches, and your Facebook followers will give you praises like ‘wow,’ ‘congratulations,’ ‘keep soaring.’ ‘You’re doing well,’ but withhold their patronage. They will buy a book that costs N2000 with a less appealing cover design and probably swimming with grammatical errors, written by an influencer who pulls the crowd on Instagram and ignores your book that is as cheap as N200. Some writers have reduced their cover prices and yet did not get patronage. During a Black Friday Okada Books sale, I saw an e-book that was reduced to N75 and no one bought it. It can get that bad! Imagine what that can do to a writer. ‘Frustrating’ is putting the feeling mildly. Despite this bleak writing horizon, there are remedies. For one, I believe if writers buy each other’s books, they can help to cushion this frustrating aspect of writing.

Another challenge is the way society(I use this in a generic sense to refer to the world) looks at writers. You mention you write for a living and those you tell that to, ask you to go and get a job as if writing is not a job. I usually have a ready assignment for such people. I tell them to write a one-page essay and send it to me, to mark. By the time I use my ‘editor’s red biro’ on the essay, they refuse to talk to me. Since they think writing is a walk in the park. They don’t think of Wole Soyinka, Chinua Achebe, Chimamanda Adichie and others who have made Nigeria proud through their writing pens.

If people can patronize writers, stop treating the writing profession with disdain and create an enabling environment for writers to thrive, writing will be a profession that many will strive to be a part of.