Beyond Repair

 Chapter one

“Stella, wake up and live.” Bola’s voice was full of indignation.

“I’m alive, I’m living.” Stella glared at Bola but mentally cringed inside. She dreaded hearing her girlfriend, or rather girlfriends, talk about her decision to remain unattached.

“No, you’re not,” Bola said in her pithiest voice.

“Come on, Bola; spare me this sermon for today. For God’s sake.” She sounded exasperated.

“No, I will not. I will talk until I get a positive reaction from you.”

“I once had a man in my life; the only good that came out of it was my daughter.”

“That was in the past; over six years now. You don’t have to let the past continue ruling your present.”

“Bola, I wish you will stop pestering me. Having a man will not solve all my life problems, rather it will compound them.” She felt a relationship could be a big boulder in her life and she wasn’t ready to climb it; not again.

“At least you will have someone to share the problems with, someone to share emotional moments with.”

“I can’t put my heart at stake again, it’s risky.”

“Nothing in life is risk-free. If you have never been hurt before, then you have never truly been living. Believe me, you can’t live a normal life without heartaches. It’s all part of the package called life. Give it up, learn to live and love again, that’s the only way to expunge the pain.” Bola was ready to knock some sense into her friend.

“Bola, please….”

“The guy has moved on with his life, why won’t you do the same?”

“God!” Stella muttered and stood, poised to go.

“Running away again?” Bola raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, each time we sit to talk, you bring up the same old song.”

“Then make me sing a new song.” Bola’s eyes sparkled with mischief.

“Listen Bola, I can’t just go out there and pick a man randomly because my friend said I needed a man in my life, for whatever reasons you’re propounding.”

She pursed her lips and her cheeks puffed out in frustration. She had more responsibilities to take care of than trying to connect with a man for whatever purposes a man could serve a woman.

“There you go again, Stella. You and I know you need a man in your life not because I said so but because it is the truth.” A slight smirk curved Bola’s lips.

Stella released an ironic half-laugh. “Bola, you and I know that I have a daughter. Being a mother and a breadwinner is time-consuming. Now tell me, when do I have the time for a man?”

“Do you need time to have a man in your life?” Bola asked silkily.

“Definitely!” Stella scowled at her, hating that she had a point.

Bola barked out a laugh. “Then create the time.”

Exhaling slowly, Stella said in a low voice, “yes, girlfriend.” Picking her bag off the table, she strode to the door, her back ramrod straight.

Stella would always become uptight whenever her relationship or lack of relationship was broached up by any of her friends.

****

In the sanctuary of her bedroom, Stella remembered her discussion with Bola, and her fury rekindled. “Why won’t she leave her alone?” She fumed. “Why would she cry more than the bereaved?” It’s her life. If she wants to be alone, her friends should respect her decision.

Must she be in a relationship for people to consider her normal? She shook her head. No, she’s not lonely, and she’s not alone. She has a daughter as a companion. Living and raising her daughter was enough stress without adding relationship issues into the mix.

She had lived her life so far, avoiding men and not depending on someone to take care of her.; not again. She wanted to live her life free and not caged in or forced to live to please a man. Her freedom and her independent lifestyle, she wouldn’t want to compromise. It left her uncluttered to live her life in peace, pursue her goals and dreams; she didn’t want any man to mess up her life again. She didn’t need a man to live happily. Or did she?

Not that she was without feeling or that her emotion was dead, just that she had become an expert at hiding her feelings and ignoring her loneliness.

She wouldn’t deny it or lie to herself that she never thought of having a man in her life. There were days, and periods she craved for a man’s presence, days she felt like the world was on top of her, and she wouldn’t mind being cuddled, and sweet words whispered into her ear. Days she would want to be all soft and weak and have a strong hand holding her up or a strong chest to lean on.

Yes, at times she longed for a physical and emotional companionship with someone mature, but would she dare let go of her fear? She took a deep breath and exhaled to blow off the weight of her frustration.

At her age and a single mother to boot, how would she compete with younger girls in the game of fishing for the perfect man? She’s what? After One, Tokunbo or whatever the society labelled people like her. Who would want her?

She examined her sexless and unromantic life. Her friends were not helping matters. They barged her at every encounter, stuffing words into her head. They were making her feel like she was committing a faux pas by not being in a relationship with a man.

Not that she had not shown up at the blind dates her friends arranged for her. After some disastrous dates, she had given up on that. It’s either they were not suitable or they came with the wrong expectation. Of the men who tried to hook up with her, the ones she despised most were the married ones who saw her as an easy lay, or rather a standby generator in case of passion failure at the home front or for variety’s sake; to spice up the dull monotony of making love to one woman all the time, as one man had the audacity to tell her.

Did she stand to gain anything from any liaison with a married man? No! If she must go into a relationship, she would need a man who would be there for her all the time, not at an appointed time; be with her at any place, not at an appointed place. Clandestine relationships were a waste of time, a waste of energy, a waste of emotion, and then add the fear of being caught to the equation. The picture was grim enough for her to decide she wasn’t ready for such games and had no time to play emotional Yo-Yo with her heart.

And she’s too old to play the side chick. At her age, she should look forward to a rewarding and fulfilling relationship; not go on a passion rollercoaster.

She had seen what reckless passion did to some women, and she wanted none of that. She preferred living in a protected bubble of loneliness, to plunging into the turbulent sea of a relationship just because she needed the fun a man was supposed to bring into her life. She preferred being single to dwelling in the doldrums with a man because she wanted to be ‘normal’ and ‘fulfilled’.

To her, men were overrated and more troublesome than their worth in a woman’s life. Severely, she had been tempted to go for a Battery-Operated-Boyfriend, code-named; Bob. Most single women are embracing Bob because looking for the real thing has become emotion-wracking and energy-consuming. But with the ever-faithful Bob, there’s no game-playing.

After Obinna’s betrayal, she had sworn off men. She gave a frustrated sigh. “Obinna, wherever you are, may your life be a bundle of frustration and pain.” She cursed. And damned her friends for trying to wear out her resolve to remain celibate for life.

She had been foolish when she married Obinna and lived as a grass widow for six years; she would not be foolish over a man ever again.