Affection in Romantic Relationships.

The need to feel loved is one of the essential reasons for a relationship. This feeling of love is reflected through affection. It is a demonstration and affirmation of love for your partner. Affection helps partners to bond and creates a relationship of closeness and connection. 

In a loving relationship, affection is the glue that holds partners together. Consciously show affection because lack of affection brings up other issues in a relationship. Partners need to feel loved or other negative thoughts could follow.

One of the fuels that power relationships is love. The need to feel loved through affection from your partner is a big emotional need every partner desires. As humans, we constantly crave positive attention; showing affection is the best way to receive and give attention.

Affection is an important part of a healthy relationship because it helps to create a strong bond between two people. It is a way to show love, care, and respect for one another. Affection can also help to reduce stress, build trust, and strengthen communication. 

Four hallmarks of affectionate relationship. 

Accepting your partner.

To feel accepted is a human need that most people have and one of the places people seek this acceptance is in their relationships. The feeling that your partner accepts you regardless of imperfections, flaws, and insecurities, is a big boost in life. Acceptance fosters unity and enables partners to feel comfortable in the relationship without judgment.

Acceptance comes with understanding your partner and trusting them.  It is not just about fitting in with your partner’s lifestyle; it means bringing your partner closer by involving them in all aspects of your life.

When the emotional need to feel accepted is unfulfilled, it can cause secrets to grow and lies to enter and make the relationship toxic or unhealthy.

Valuing your partner.

It is advisable to derive your sense of value from yourself. However, feeling valued by someone you love is a human trait. The show of affection means, your partner values and prioritises your and your contributions in the relationship.

You and your partner may have contributions towards building your relationship, still, beyond these contributions, there exists an emotional need to feel valued for just yourself, aside from the responsibilities you perform.

It is important to try to convey how valuable your partner is to you through affection which is reflected through basic interactions between you and your partner. This can be done with compliments or simply by just telling them. Showing your partner you care, even in non-physical ways, can help your relationship thrive. 

Affection and appreciation convey a sense of being valued by your partner. Feeling valued is a big emotional need in a relationship and acting affectionately towards your partner boosts relationship satisfaction.

Feeling emotionally secure with your partner

Affection conveys a feeling of trust which breeds the feeling of security. Your partner has to feel they can trust you with anything before they feel safe. Everyone has a personal history of trust and the feeling of being safe around others based on their experiences.

Feeling emotionally secure is vital in a relationship because it allows you to free your mind and feelings towards your partner. 

When you feel safe with your partner, you can tell them secrets you would not tell other people and it also means your partner can trust you with anything. The show of affection builds security in a relationship and makes partners more comfortable sharing their feelings.

Ensure your partner always feels safe with you through genuine affection. When people feel safe in relationships, they have a sense of security knowing that their partners have their back.

Feeling an emotional connection with your partner.

It is important to keep the feeling of love burning in your relationship through affection. A relationship is an act where two people come together to share their lives. It is important to remember  you’re two people with separate interests, and experiences. 

When you share your life with someone, you must find a way to harmonise your interest with that person. Emotional connection is crucial to the success of your relationship. This connection implies an alignment with your partner’s interests and needs.

Building connection with your partner is achieved through affectionate gestures of love or physical intimacy. Such acts strengthen the bond of togetherness between the partners.

When partners do not feel connected to one another, they merely becomes two different people living together and in such a situation, it is difficult to be empathetic toward each other.

Affection is a tangible way of showing love and care, showing and receiving affection is an important aspect of any healthy relationship. 

In a romantic relationship, a lack of affection can cause doubts, and conflicts, and may lead to possible issues. Gestures of affection make your partner feel loved, accepted, valued, secure and not alone in the relationship.

Unsung Heroines: Grandma, the Great by Ejiro Otive-Igbuzor.

Book Review

It is a story of enduring love woven through the trials of a young nurse named Mary and her mother's unwavering support.

Mary, a dedicated nurse, fell in love with a young man named Vincent when he brought his aunt to the hospital for treatment. Their whirlwind romance led to an unexpected pregnancy just as Vincent set off for a better future abroad. Mary found herself overwhelmed by the weight of her situation. The realisation hit her hard: she might have to leave school, and the thought of breaking the news to her mother terrified her.

How would she tell a mother who left her husband in the city to the village for a chance to send her female children to school? A woman who worked tirelessly, selling whatever she could to ensure her children had the best? How could she tell her mother, a devout catholic, a well-known socialite and a community leader, that her daughter got pregnant out of wedlock?

For Mary, it seemed like the end of the road until she realised the depth of her mother’s enduring love. When she finally confessed her pregnancy, her mother experienced a whirlwind of emotions, including anger, disappointment, and love. “Mama grappled with her emotions, torn between her love for her daughter and her fear of societal judgment.” Despite her fear of societal judgment, her mother's love prevailed.   

Mama understands that love means not abandoning Mary, but guiding her through this challenge. “Being a good mother doesn’t mean shielding your children from mistakes or judgments,” she realised. “Instead, it means standing by their side, helping them navigate their challenges, and instilling the resilience needed to overcome adversities.”

Her love and support gave Mary the strength to bear the burden of her pregnancy with pride. When she gave birth, her mother took over the nurturing of the child and sent her back to school. Mama cared for her daughter and granddaughter even when communications ceased between Mary and Vincent, the child's father. 

In the end, Vincent returned, ready to reclaim his family. However, the true hero of this story remains Mary’s mother, whose words and actions provide the physical and moral strength her daughter needs to face her challenges and fulfil her dreams.

The story calls for mothers to love their children unconditionally and be their support system, especially during times of difficulties. Being a good mother means standing for and with your children in good times and in bad times of their lives.

The story of Mary and Vincent shows the power of genuine love. When love comes from the heart and not the lips, nothing douses it.

Please read this and many other interesting stories about women’s struggles, families, and relationships in We Rise!

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Heaven’s Dream by Benny Okafor (Book Review)

The author, a pastor, skilfully extends his pulpit through pages of this book to reach a broad audience, sharing the gospel of salvation and repentance, particularly aimed at young people who have lost faith or are struggling with their faith in God.

Ricardo West Jr. was brilliant and charismatic, ranking among the top three students at Cross University. He was once the Capone of one of the most feared and notorious fraternity cults on campus. His leadership and academic prowess earned him admiration and fear from students and lecturers.

Surrounded by a praying mother, Christian friends and colleague, Rico, the protagonist of the story, remained steep in his worldly pursuit until a near-death experience brought him to God, and he became a believer and a gospel exponent. When the Holy Spirit arrests rebels, they do great exploits for the kingdom of God. Rico’s case is no exception. 

Despite his success at work, he resigns to immerse himself in Bible studies and build his faith. His action prompts his former boss to send hitmen to coerce him back. In a surprising twist, these hitmen from his former cult, become his first converts. 

Ironically, Rico returns to the same university and fraternity cult he once used for destruction, but now with a mission to redeem and guide the young minds he once led astray. 

Other fraternity cults and even the Cross University lecturers are not spared, all who gave their lives to Christ were protected, healed and given the power to speak in tongues as of old. Being born again became a bug in the university and once you catch it your life will never remain the same. 

“How theatrical the lord could be!” 

Indeed! 

Rico symbolically represents the prodigal son who returns home to his father (God) and begins a new life in Christ, fulfilling Eph 4:24 “And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.” 

The story of Rico West Jr. is a powerful testament to how transformative an encounter with the Holy Spirit can be. His life becomes a testament to what the apostle Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 5:17 “If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away…”

The author through the book, shows the efficaciousness of a praying mother. Rico’s mother didn’t give up on her son. She believed her son was destined to work in the Lord’s vineyard, and she never relented until God answered her prayers. It's a call for parents to always pray for their children, even the recreant ones, and allow the Holy Spirit to take control. 

Heaven’s Dream shows God’s awesomeness, mercy, and compassion towards humankind, once you believe and confess Jesus as your Lord and Saviour.

This is a must-read for young and old, there are lots of life-transforming lessons to garner from the pages of this book. A guide for students in the universities, they need to understand that cults are evil and put their lives in fetters of fear, and false bravado of power and protection.

Dr Ngozi Ebubedike

https://selar.co/0367oq

We Rise!: Onidiri the Hair Plaiter(Book Review)

 Onidiri the Hair Plaiter by Elsie Dennis Oghenekaro.

This story was featured in We Rise! An Anthology of Women's Voices. A short story that aptly displays women's resilience and sacrifices for their families.

Onidiri is just a hair platter but with outstanding qualities. “...she was simply the best for miles around and was so busy that everyone waited in line.”

Excellency. No matter where you find yourself in life, endeavour to put in your best, and cultivate the spirit to excel in your profession.

Go the extra mile. A good mother will always stretch herself at times to breaking point for the good of her children. “The two hours would round up her day nicely. The two hours would enable them to pay part of the backlog of school fees for the four kids who were no longer in school…”

Making sacrifices. Often we endure pain and discomfort for the people we love. A mother’s love is a boundless sea with immeasurable depth. Onidiri’s love for children’s education and well-being made her endure hunger.

“Onidiri would work all night without food if she had to. It was up to her to see that her kids had a decent education, better than she had, better than her husband had.”

Onidiri exemplifies the struggles a woman and a mother put up daily for their family's survival.

Read this and many other interesting stories about women’s struggles, families, and relationships in We Rise!

Review by Dr Ngozi Ebubedike.

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The Good Man

 

Chapter One

Once upon a time in Okeani village, in Oko, a town in the Eastern part of Nigeria, lived a man named Adimchimkp Onochie, a palm wine tapper. An occupation he inherited from his grandfather and father, Maduka, who had made names as men of honour and integrity in the community.

His father, Maduka, named him Adimchimkp, meaning, “I am important to God.” As an honest man and a devout Christian, Maduka taught his only son to develop a deep sense of responsibility and trust in the unfailing power of God. 

Maduka instilled into his son the belief that a good name is weightier than gold or silver and that righteousness exalts a man. Adim, as the people fondly called him, imbibed his father’s moral instructions and did his best to live a righteous life like his father.

Because of his good moral conduct, people referred to Adim as a good man, which he vehemently refuted. Whenever he did a good deed in the village, and they commended him, Adim would gaze at the people and inquire, “Who is truly good and perfect? Only God,” he would answer. He maintained no one should lay claim to goodness, or being perfect. It is only God who is good and perfect in His ways.

Initially, his friends teased him, and whenever they spotted him, they jokingly called out “Who is good and perfect?”

“Only God,” Adim would answer them with a smile. 

Gradually, the villagers, both old and young, turned it into a mode of greeting whenever they met Adim on the way, morning or evening. After many years, it took over his name. Some younger people in his community didn’t know his name was Adimchimkp. Children would run out of their houses on seeing him coming just to shout, “Who is good and perfect.” As always, he would answer, “Only God.” 

He was a man of the people, there was no community within Oko and its environs, he would go to supply palm wine that people would not come out to greet him with his famous greeting.

Adim carried out his business of tapping and selling palm wine with a cheerfulness that earned him many customers, even beyond his community and village. He was among the few palm wine tappers who did not dilute their wines with water to increase the quantity for more profits. He firmly believed in the goodness of God and trusted that divine providence would take care of his needs.

Every day, when the sun sets, casting long shadows on the village, Adim would go into the forest with his machete, climbing rope, and empty wine gourds. Within the lush expanse of forest, countless palm trees awaited his attention. He would climb them one after the other, skilfully scaling and scoring each bark to allow the sweet sap to trickle into his awaiting gourds.

In the morning, Adim would go around the palm trees, collecting his gourds full of fresh palm wine. While he worked, he would sing to himself, his voice floating through the forest like a gentle breeze. 

People on their way to streams or farms would hear his voice and shout, “Who is good and perfect?” 

“Only God.” Adim would respond cheerfully from the top of the palm tree. They would walk away with smiles on their faces.

Before the sun rose to begin its daily journey, Adim would return to the village with his gourds full of fresh palm wine. He would supply his regular customers who owned bars within the community, then carry the rest to the market to sell to his customers from neighbouring villages. 

As he went about supplying his palm wine, people would greet him, “Who is good and perfect?” Adim would respond, “Only God,” with a cheerful smile. The people loved him, for he was a jolly, good fellow who laughed and joked with everybody he met on the way. 

But not everyone was happy with Adim’s cheerful disposition. Some people were jealous of his success and popularity in the community, especially fellow palm wine tappers. They felt Adim overshadowed their business with his presence. It was not of his making that his goodness and undiluted fresh palm wine attracted many customers to him.

When Adim takes his wine to the market, others only sell theirs if he finishes selling his wine. Often, people booked his wine for occasions, and when that happened, he would not have leftovers to take to the market. Other sellers are happy on such days because his absence means they will sell more drinks.

Despite the attack from some of his colleagues, verbal and sometimes diabolical like when they poisoned him, and he couldn’t tap wine for a month, Adim loved his trade. He was proud to continue the occupation, which his father passed down to him. He was happy to preserve the tradition of palm wine tapping that had run in his family for many generations.

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The Withered Flower(A Review)

Whatever is placed in your hand, be it skill, talent, relationship, love, your children or spouse, is a flower that needs tender nurturing. Where you fail to nurture it, it dies. Dead things are dead. Most things don’t die suddenly, they start gradually, and little by little they wilt until they dry up and die.

 Nurturing anything requires attention and intentionality. You have to put in the time and the work and walk as well. Yes mobility, there is no growth when you sit tight in your comfort zone, whatever you feed your time, focus and energy, grow.

Love, in particular, is an exotic and fragile flower that demands care, dedication, and commitment to flourish in a relationship. 

As I write in a poem, “Love is a beautiful feeling to have, a precious gift to share, a rare treasure, and a priceless jewel to cherish forever.” In another poem, I also write, “It takes two to walk in love. It takes two to work at love. It takes two to agree about love. It takes two to exercise love.” 

Couples are flowers planted in the marriage garden and if planted on good soil with adequate nurturing from the partners, they flourish.

My story, The Withered Flower,  in We Rise! An Anthology of Women’s Voices is a story of love left to wither because of a man’s egoistic tendencies.

A man who wants to prove that He is the head of the family and SHE must submit to his instruction. Of course, she did, she wanted a peaceful home, a happy home. 

However, a submission must be met with a corresponding measure of love from the man for balance to exist. As the Bible says, “Husbands, love your wives. Wives, submit to your husbands.”

When Sandra realises her submission is taken for granted and makes her worth nothing more than a decorative flower and a trophy wife to a man who never appreciates her—a man who makes her feel insignificant- a man who disregards her feelings and career ambitions—she knows it's time to prioritise her life, career, and happiness over her marriage. 

As her marriage hits rock bottom, she moves out of her matrimonial home. Though she is ready to move back in and start afresh. But the question remains: Is her husband, Joseph, willing to discard his inflated ego and jealousy, meet her demands, and give their marriage a second chance?

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Essential Emotional Needs In Marriage

One of the most important things you can do to improve your family relationship is to understand and meet each other’s vital emotional needs. Emotional needs are feelings that tell us we are loved, valued, and essential to our spouse.

Couples build great marriages based on teamwork, mutual respect, a healthy dose of admiration and a never-ending portion of love and gratitude.

Relationships work well only when partners try to understand each other well. Emotional needs in a relationship are the deepest desires of spouses. Satisfying your partner’s essential needs will benefit your relationship immensely. It fuels romantic love and reduces discontentment. Emotional needs vary from person to person, and often influenced by cultural colouration. 

Communication and Understanding:

Couples need open and honest communication. Understanding each other's thoughts, feelings, and perspectives is crucial for a strong emotional connection.

Respect and Appreciation:

Mutual respect is fundamental in marriages. Couples need to feel valued and appreciated for their contributions to the relationship and the family.

Trust and Security:

Trust is a cornerstone of any successful marriage in many cultures, feeling secure in a relationship and trusting your partner is essential for emotional well-being.

Affection and Intimacy:

Physical affection and intimacy are important emotional needs for many married couples. This includes expressions of love, such as hugs, kisses, and other forms of physical closeness.

Support in Challenges:

Facing life's challenges together is a key aspect of marriage. Emotional support during difficult times, be it financial struggles or personal crises, is vital for the well-being of the couple.

Shared Values and Goals:

Couples often find emotional fulfillment when they share common values and goals. This sense of alignment creates a deeper connection and a shared sense of purpose.

Quality Time Together:

Spending quality time together is crucial for emotional bonding.  Dedicating time to shared activities strengthens the emotional connection between spouses.

Autonomy and Independence:

While togetherness is important, individuals in a marriage also need their independence. Respecting each other's autonomy fosters a healthy emotional balance.

Cultural and Religious Harmony:

Due to diverse cultures and religions. Couples often find emotional fulfillment when there's harmony and understanding regarding cultural and religious practices.

Celebrate Milestones:

Recognizing and celebrating personal and shared achievements is essential. Whether it's a professional success or a family milestone, acknowledging these accomplishments contributes to emotional well-being.

Remember, these emotional needs can vary from person to person, and effective communication within the marriage is key to understanding and meeting each other's unique emotional needs.

Intimate conversation:

Talking often is one of the best ways to make time for friendship in your busy marriage.

It’s important to remember that everyone’s emotional needs are different. What might be a need for one person might not be a need for another. That’s why it’s essential to communicate with your spouse about what they need from you.

Transparency:

Trust, accountability and mutual respect are essential in a healthy relationship, so be transparent and work together on projects that will build your fmily connection.

Family commitment and companionship

Spend time together weekly to build a strong relationship. Be willing to learn from one another and be open to discussing fundamental topics.

Establish daily habits to help you stay connected, including prayer and shared interests. Play and Laugh often, and appreciate each other’s differences. Celebrate your spouse’s successes and not failures.

Sexual fulfilment:

Sexual fulfilment is an essential physical need in marriages. It is the most profound need of men. Beacuse of their higher testosterone, men have a higher sex drive than women.

There are different motivations for sexual fulfilment in both sexes. For example, men take part in sex to please their cravings. But, women mostly engage in sex for intimacy and emotional bonding.

Focusing your sexual energy on your marriage reduces the dangers of extramarital affairs and relational breakdown. 

Attentiveness:

Be attentive to your partner’s physical and emotional needs.

Make your marriage your priority. Not your work or your friends. Workaholism and over-ambitiousness are the banes of marital harmony.

A wife needs  her husband’s physical and emotional presence to feel protected and loved. 

Emotional needs play a critical role in determining a healthy marriage. When emotional needs are met, patners are likely to feel safe, happy, and secure in the marriage. On the other hand, when these relationship needs go unmet, conflict is sure to arise.